Red's Good Vs. Evil Cow Barn

New Bur-Clover Afflicts Cow Barn

2012-01-30T17:28:00.004-06:00

With all the incredible changes going on as a result of the death of nature in these parts, it's not surprising that the Eurasian winter weeds have been chomping at the bit, fixing to invade the CB. Yes. Those winter weeds feel like they need to fill the holes formerly occupied by the grass which is now deceased.

Yes. Before nature gives up on Stinky Valley entirely, we need to go through the homogenization and simplification phase. That's where the few remaining plants left alive prior to the death of nature are the same everywhere. Which brings us to the new weed at the CB. This happens to be Medicago arabica. Swell!

Er. Seems like the specific epithet, arabica, might have caused someone at the Dept of Ag. to blink. But of course, this one was imported a long time ago. Mercy!

Google to Sell Souls to Satan

2012-01-26T07:01:00.005-06:00

Wow! Hard on the heels of the big gov censorship deal that temporarily went bust, we get Google (Elgoog spelled backwards) fixing to sell many of our souls to Satan. Excuse me. Actually, Google shall be dealing directly with the Demon Mammon. But since the Demon Mammon works for the Demon Satan, it's the same difference, probably.

Mercy! Even Crumby has come to depend on Google for this or that. Yet everyone knows that Google keeps close tabs on Crumby's meanderings across the Internet. Spooky! Google knows where Crumby goes. Google knows what Crumby buys. Google knows all Crumby's likes, desires or potential transgressions. It's like a God or a Demi-God or a Robot God is a mouse click away.

Goodness gracious! An average internet accessor has no need for confession or redemption. Google can take care of those dire needs, no muss no fuss, automatically. Course many yearn not for confession, forgiveness, redemption etc. But are those many innocent? Course not. They are probably more guilty than average. So righteousness prevails as Google the Robot God parades those miserable, naked, squirming internet ridden souls before the Demon Mammon. And make no mistake. The Demon Mammon knows how to exploit those wicked, naked sinners. Yes he does.

Meantime, Crumby has taken another vow regarding the news. As everyone knows, the news is unhealthy. Plus, the news is redundant. Like this time all Crumby got from paying attention to the news was more confirmation that the Soviet Union was the last hope of the white race, and our precious ruling class is totally out of ideas. So Crumby has sworn off the news, yet again, Google allowing.

Damn! News is not healthy.

2012-01-19T13:29:00.005-06:00

Mercy! A while back, Crumby had taken sort of a vow not to watch the news ever again. Because the news is not healthy. But then the Secesh Booblican antics, now focused on Dogpatch, that kept filtering into Crumby’s noggin via accidental osmosis proved irresistible. And when our own Tejas Jefe, Reek, got involved, Crumby was hooked. Mercy! Crumby started paying attention to the dern news again. Dang!

Crumby still believes that ultimately, Jefe Reek, shall win the nomination. Even though, Reek, has now officially withdrawn from the race-baiting. But who knows. Anyway, here is the likely winning scenario for Reek.

The Newtster and the Mittster wind up deadlocked at the convention. Then what? The miserable Booblicans shall perhaps then turn to Reek (duh! obviously) as the only viable alternative liable to out debate the incumbent. Who, the incumbent,by the way, is both a super monopoly capitalist and imperialist just like all the Booblicans. Mercy!

Here’s a cool way out for our Jefe still winning the super nomination, and eventually, the major election in November. Like our Jefe once recalled publicly that Reek Santorum is a Papist. Well. That memory could come back eventually to haunt the Newtster, who, despite his endorsement by our Jefe, is also a Papist. Yes! Our Jefe shall eventually remember that Papist Newtster is liable to sell us (US) out to the Pope in Italy, quicker than a dead Kennedy. And this current Pope, what's his name, is not even Italian. Consider that! Mercy on us and especially me!

Say! Didn’t the Newtsters latest wife formerly enjoy a career in the moving pictures. Crumby, whose memory is semi-eidatic, seems to recall that Canasta played the alien beauty that seduced Martin Short’s character in the film version of Mars Attacks!. Goodness gracious! That was quite a role for the lovely Canasta.

But inevitably, Crumby can’t figure out why the Secesh of Dogpatch are always hollering about how they are better Americanos than anybody else. After all, they took up arms against the Union in defense of slavery. And how about those Morminks. Most of them were super ready to take up arms against the USA in defense of plural marriage, also known as polygamy. Course, in defense of the Morminks, a great many of those olden Jews, Solomon for example, were also for plural marriage. So no wonder the Morminks were hot to trot against the Union. Which would you rather? The USA or multiple, hot, young virgins in the boudoir, I mean bedroom. Hey! Where do we draw the line? Where? Especially considering the important doctrine of redemption. Where? Dern! Dang! Does redemption go for Morminks,too?Goodness gracious sakes alive!

Dang! Dern! Indeed! Well. In the evangelical world of instant absolution for those that weep on TV, any wickedness is probable.

OK. No matter how the greatest potential debate of this date in time during this particular year turns out, and no matter who wins Saturday. Crumby would like to thank the candidates, plus the elderly inhabitants of Dogpatch. A good time may have been had by all, eventually.

Little Birdie Faces

2012-01-15T07:19:00.008-06:00

Some birds have innocent or sweet looking faces. Others do not. Today we are concentrating on two of the more innocent or sweet appearing bird faces we enjoy at the CB.

Field Sparrow - Field Sparrows actually eat little bluestem seeds. Goodness!

Red-Shouldered Hawk

Interestingly, the little avain ingrates that come to the bird feeders pay no mind to the red-shouldeed hawk. That is, everything littler than a house sparrow pays no mind. House sparrow or bigger? Yes they are spooked. Whereas, all the avian varmints scare away when a sharpie is about. All scare! Mercy! Merci!

The Secessionist

2012-01-13T08:19:00.004-06:00

Many have speculated, what will Dr. Paul do once he loses the GOP nomination? Will he run as a third party candidate? Mercy! What would happen, then? Would we all die or become, like zombies? Yes. What then? What then? Uh. What then?

But consider this! What if Jefe Rick Perry actually fails to become the eventual nominee of the GOP. Now that’s unlikely, that Rick might actually lose, but it could happen. And if Rick loses out for the GOP nomination, he might take the third party route himself; just as easily as Dr. Paul could.

But what party besides the Republicans could Rick head up? Easy that, he could head up the Secesh Party ticket. That’s right. Rick could run for president of the US while at the same time advocating the secession of Tejas from the union. If our Jefe actually loses the GOP nomination, then sadly yet obviously, he will have failed to convince many possible voters that Tejas is a model for the rest of the US. But he could try again with the same theme, possibly with more success, as the Secesh candidate.

Yes. If elected president, our Jefe shall lead Tejas out of the union and into a new, exciting wilderness. Or, if he loses, just as good. Tejas still leaves the union. Running on the Secesh ticket is thus seen as a win-win option. Plus, the various other minor states could then easily follow the Tejas lead and secede too. Mercy! What a grand deal that would be. Like maybe Mississippi or South Carolina could become its own country. Goodness! How swell? Reckon any of the newly independent countries would change names. Like maybe some new Secesh nation could then change its official title to the True or Actual Capitalist Republic of Dogpatch.

Jon-Ron-Mitt-Newt-Rick-Rick

2012-01-10T07:12:00.002-06:00

First names are super important. Yet first of all, how can a John be made more interesting or unique. Easy that, take out the h. What’s your name, honey? They call me Jon, without the h.

Or, you can take out the h, then substitute an R for the J to get Ron. Man alive! You could easily combine those first names. Jonron. Ronjon. Sounds like a great name for a big company that employs plenty of hard-working Americanos. Eh?

Mitt and Newt are mighty cute.
Newt and Mitt are full of shit.

Many wonder or speculate on, what the doubly popular name, Rick, is short far. Well. Rick is actually short for Ricktum, which is a corruption of the Latin, Rectum.

Bur Clover

2012-01-07T10:54:00.002-06:00

Times are always evil in these parts. That's because the evil doers far outnumber the righteous or semi-innocent. But thanks to climate change, evil is more evil than ever before, maybe.

Here's an example of how all this evil plays out. These parts are often brown in the summer and green in the winter. But last summer, not only did lots of the grass turn brown, it actually died. This picture shows a bunch of dead buffalo grass, proving once more, that buffalograss, like all living things, needs a little water. But it didn't get a little water. So it died.

Now, the bur clover, mostly Medicago polymorpha and M. minima, have a good chance of taking over and becoming the dominant plant here. Yes. They are nice and green now, but by May they shall shrivel up, leaving nought behind but a billion seeds. Then, all shall appear totally dead at this particular location by August. Dead I tell you. Dead!

Yes. The annuals shall replace the perennials. How evil is that? Mercy!

Oh! There are more Eurasian weeds here than bur clover. There is Shepherd's purse. There is sow thistle. There is dandelion. Yet they shall all, also, shrivel up in the great heat to come. Oh my Goddess!

A Victory for Intellectuals

2012-01-04T10:23:00.003-06:00

As anyone with a lick of sense knows, the news is unhealthy. Yet Crumby, who has avoided the news for many moons, has at last watched some of the nomination news on TV and read some of the articles on Google News. That's because the little snippets of nomination news that had been filtering into Crumby's noggin proved too funny to ignore. So there Crumby was this morning, watching and reading about the Iowa Republican caucus, among the least important events of our time on Planet Earth.

But why does Crumby feel like the Iowa Republican Caucus was a victory for intellectuals. Well. Because the Iowa Republican Caucus participants correctly identified the twain stupidest of the active candidates. Yes. The two stupidest dumbasses in the contest finished last and next to last; a surprising victory for intellectuals and practitioners of rational thought, everywhere.

Looking forward though, the intellectuals feel like Jefe Perry may consolidate the dumbass vote. Mercy!

Road Rage

2012-01-02T09:57:00.004-06:00

There are too many people (7 billion +) at least, and most of them are no damn good. Therefore, road rage is a perfectly normal reaction to crowds of dumbasses driving automobiles on the overburdened streets and highways of Der Homeland.

Crumby, for example, is normally overcautious and hyper alert, constantly on the watch for danger or environmental hazards. Why if Crumby feels like danger may threaten outside, Crumby will therefore, stay home. No matter what. Yet that same Crumby, behind the wheel of an automobile is apt to become an active participant in road rage incidents. Like Crumby has chased other motorists, enjoyed parking lot fisticuffs, screamed, hollered, cursed, gesticulated, carried weapons (including handguns) under the car seat, etc. The fact is, the mere sight of a Jesus fish on the back of a great vehicle is enough to set Crumby off.

Let the Heathen, rage!

Yet motor vehicle road rage is way rational compared to bicycle road rage. That's right. An average road rager is far less likely to actually do much damage to himself or herself while inside a car as compared to a cycling road rager.

I mean like,what is more vulnerable than a cylist teetering on a bike while stopped in the middle lane of a busy intersection with nothing between that average cyclist and a honking, revved up environment, but a little spandex? For goodness sakes.

Yet Crumby indulged in road rage twice, or on twain occasions, recently. Like the first incident occurred when Crumby was attempting to cross west to east on South Lamar at that light which regulates traffic flow between the strip malls just north of 290. Crumby sat there for many minutes. All the other traffic got to go twice. But Crumby's light never turned green. Result. Road rage. And justifiably so.

Next Crumby is going along in front of Beall's, fixing to get milk from the Central Market when his handle bar gets clipped by a car's mirror. Jeez Louise. And Crumby is riding practically on the sidewalk. Result. Road rage. And justifiably so.

Crumby actually chased after that car. He was so mad. But consider. Crumby is 64 years old. Due to a bad rotator cuff, Crumby can no longer throw a right with much good intent. Crumby is also little, gray headed, and physically unintimidating. Also, there are two bad knees, and a bad wrist. Plus he is overweight and has asthma attacks.

Road rage! Crumby did have a pocket knife though. So he figured on stabbing that motorist if he could have caught up on his bicycle. Stabbed him or her. Good riddance.

But here's a slightly merrier topic: Birds that run into the sliding glass door.

Yes. At this very nonce, the CB features maybe 50 goldfinches of twain species. Sometimes a goldfinch will get too excited and fly into the sliding glass door. Thunk!

But your average goldfinch is a tough little booger. And so far, all of them have survived that terrible smacking, unexpected collision, including this one. Ten minutes after this picture was took, this particular goldfinch was off, zipping around with the best of them. By the bye. The easiest way to tell your Americano goldfinch from your lesser goldfinch is the squinty or slanty eyes.

Post WS Class Aves at the CB

2011-12-29T09:13:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, for the first time in many moons, some Monk parakeets actually landed at the CB. Here part of that is.

And an accipiter, by the look of him a Sharpie, spent some time fixing to flush House Sparrows out of this Bush of Heaven. This particular Bush of Heaven is exclosed to keep the hoof rats off it.

The weather!

We have endured three frosty nights in a row now. Those frosts are keeping the insects down. But those same frosts are too wimpy to nip the sow thistle rosettes. Go figure! We have no insects but plenty of sow thistle, and bur clover.

Yes. With the demise of much of the native grass and all the recent rain, the Eurasian weeds have come on with a vengeance. Did anyone surmise that climate change might finish those Eurasian winter weeds off in these parts? Mercy!

Baby Demon Mammon

2011-12-24T11:20:00.000-06:00

Have you still got some last minute shopping to do, today? If so, the Baby Demon Mammon loves you. And you love, the Baby Demon Mammon.

Here’s a helpful hint for you weary, hysterical shoppers. Slow down. Take a deep breath. Now chant - BABY-DEMON-MAMMON. Repeat until you are revived and ready to shop again. Mercy! You, the weary and restless must call upon the Baby Demon Mammon.

Yes. Once again, as the world turns, the Baby Demon Mammon’s birthday is upon us. Mercy! For devotees, it’s your last chance to help save the economy this year. And if you don’t help save the economy this year, well, you are a stinker and a spoil sport. Nevertheless, the Baby Demon Mammon may forgive you. So you can help save the economy next year.

But how did the Baby Demon Mammon crowd Baby Jesus out of the crib. Well. It’s comparable to a nest parasite situation. We espy a happy little family consisting of Joseph, Mary and the Baby Jesus. Uh. But then, Gods will be Gods. And one more slice off the loaf won’t be missed. And pretty soon there are twain little babies in a nest or crib. After a while, one of the babies grows way big and kicks the other baby out of the nest. It’s hard. Hard, but a true fact of life as we know it.

That’s essentially how the Baby Demon Mammon took Christmas away from Baby Jesus. Praise the Goddess for Winter Solstice!

Results of the First Annual CB Winter Solstice Bird Count

2011-12-22T20:08:00.004-06:00

Let’s get the excuses out of the way first. OK. There are almost no insects at the CB. Plus, the wild food crop is abysmal. There are no pecans, only a few of last years Ilex fruits, no hackberries, no buckthorn fruits, no grapes, no mallow apples or pods, no beans of any kind, no composite achenes, no grass seed, no citrus fruit, no acorns, a tiny few coral berry fruits, no persimmons, no green brier, no poison ivy, no Rhus of any kind, . Did I leave anything out? Well. There aint any of that either. Or, there is almost no bird food in these parts except for what we put out for Class Aves. Mercy!

No more excuses.

The dawn broke with the last of the clouds moseying off toward the east horizon. Espy he waning crescent moon. Anon, Ogma’s fiery gaze lit all up. That’s right. What could we then espy in the light of day? That the rain fell hard last night. The rain gauge read 2.5 inches. But that was for the several days or maybe a week, not just last night. Yet for the first time in the calendar year 2011 of the Julian, the pastures featured puddles. Yes. The CB had the first standing water of the current Julian year. For heaven’s sake!

The day proved clear and pleasant throughout. Not too cool, not too hot with temperature mostly in the 50s to mid 60s. Nary a cloud in the sky. The wind was light from the NNW.

See here is a foot long stick, stuck in the ground. See how long its shadow falls at high noon. You can't get further tilted from Ogma ever, in these parts.

All righty. We counted all the birds that lit in the yard or flew directly over the yard. Birds seen nearby the yard, but not in or over it are included and so noted. Birds seen during the week, but not counted today are so noted

The Actual Pitiful Count Total

Turkey Vulture 1
Black Vulture 2
Cooper’s Hawk 1 seen yesterday
Red-tailed Hawk 1
White- winged Dove 22
Rock Dove 1
Eurasian Collared Dove 2 seen during week of count
Inca Dove 4
Roadrunner 1 seen during week of count
Red-bellied Woodpecker 2
Downy Woodpecker 1
Blue Jay 5
American Crow 1 seen nearby today
Carolina Chickadee 2
Tufted Titmouse 1
Bewick’s Wren 1
Northern Mockingbird 1
European Starling 1
House Sparrow 46
Great-tailed Grackle 2 seen nearby
Northern Cardinal 2
Pyrrhuloxia 1
House Finch 10
American Goldfinch 2 (5 seen yesterday)
Lesser Goldfinch 18
Chipping Sparrow 7

The End - Pitiful - 26 species, not all today. Mercy! What’s really sad is the near absence of mostly insectivorous species. No warblers, no kinglets, no vireos, almost no wrens. One mockingbird. Hmm. We have had a Ruby-Crowned Kinglet and a couple of Yellow-rumped Warblers, but we can’t recollect if they appeared during the count week. If so, that would be two more species.

Winter Solstice Eve

2011-12-21T21:19:00.003-06:00

Goodness gracious sakes alive! Tomorrow is Winter Solstice (WS)plus the first ever CB WS Bird Count. And we are ready. Are we ? Except nobody is fixing to stay up all night listening for owls. So if any owls get counted, they are going to need to get real close outside a window and wake somebody up. Not unheard of.

Today we spent much of the day practicing. Like, for example, we needed to practice counting goldfinches. Yes. We had twain goldfinch species present today with American goldfinches trying to horn in on the seed socks as seen here. That's an American on top with four lessers below.

We have also documented a bit of interspecific aggression. An American, not this one, scared two lessers off the other sock. Not shown. Mercy!

Winter Solstice, Upcoming

2011-12-20T08:50:00.004-06:00

In just a few days, the major Druid holiday, Winter Solstice (WS), shall be upon us. With that fact in mind, Crumby decided to pen an essay: What Winter Solstice Means to Me?

What Winter Solstice (WS) Means to Me? By C. Ovate

But then Crumby decided that vitamin D shortages, bestiality, cannibalism and incest are not fit topics this time around. Maybe later. Yet Crumby does feel obliged to provide some free holiday advice. Milk is a good source of Vitamin D. So plan ahead for winter. Make sure your milk cow or goat can provide you with plenty of milk and Vitamin D. And remember, you won’t get any milk if you have already et your cow or goat.

So instead of dwelling on the potential vitamin D shortage, the CB Druids may celebrate the upcoming WS by holding a WS bird count at the CB. This would be our first ever, official, WS Bird Count. And actually, we have already started the festivities. Yesterday, we practiced counting house sparrows (Passer domesticus).

The house, or English sparrows, as many prefer to call them, spend most of their alloted time sitting amid or on the mess of grape vines that demarcates the garden from the east pasture. Yet at intervals they yen for a black oil sun flower seed or two. Then, driven by hunger, they bum rush the feeders. Apparently, bum rushing the feeders may be an anti-predation strategy. But who actually knows?

Interestingly, the feeders were up for a couple of months before the house sparrows snapped to the fact that the feeders contained something good to eat. Which is odd, considering the house finches were front and center almost the first day, and the house sparrows sat a few feet away, watching the house finches eat sunflower seeds. Goofy!

Anyway, it’s very hard to actually count the house sparrows. That’s because, when most of them are actually visible, sitting on the outer branches of the grape vine tangle, they are also bum rushing the feeders at seemingly random intervals. Nevertheless, after much effort, we decided there were about 42 house sparrows present on yesterday’s practice house sparrow count.

Today, we are fixing to practice counting white-winged doves, the other mass quantity avian species at the CB. Then, once we get proficient with them, we shall be ready for the WS count this upcoming Thursday. Praise the WG with great praise!

Downy Woodpecker and Dogs, the Same Difference

2011-12-17T17:36:00.004-06:00

Many have asked, How are downy woodpeckers like dogs? Well. Your downy woodpecker, just like your dog, will eat anything. That's correct. This particular downy woodpecker is eating pepper flavored suet. But not nice fresh pink suet. No. This suet is super gross; covered in mold and mildew. Yet this downy, just like a dog, eats it up.

Seriously, the suet looks so bad that Crumby was worried that it might kill all the woodpeckers. But this downy is the only woodpecker that eats the suet. And he keeps coming back for more. It's exactly like a dog getting into the litter box. Mmm!

No Sparky! Bad dog! Drop that cat shit!

No Mo Olympus!

2011-12-16T15:17:00.004-06:00

The gear list for the CB includes Olympus cameras, lenses and tape recorders. We might have an endoscope too, if that wasn’t cost prohibitive. Actually though, come to think of it, a home endoscope might be cost effective considering the advanced years of the CB denizens. Like old Red; Red probably could use a good scoping every month or two. Plus, Crumby and Ray might actually get their hiney holes looked up if they could do each other in the comfort of the CB. That would be interesting. Which would go first? Who would be the looker versus lookee?

But that’s crazy. We are certainly not fixing to purchase an Olympus endoscope. That’s right. The lack of progress on the camera front, leaving us stuck with a bunch of lenses that will be useless once the dslr finally breaks down, has put us off Olympus products generally and prompted a happy switch to Canon for our camera requirements. So no home Olympus endoscope.

Well. Sadly, we now may know why Olympus made little progress on camera sensors and related what not. The bosses at Olympus were stealing most of the money. So scanty of the green was left over, post thievery, for research and development. That’s why Olympus cameras, since Heck was a pup, feature the same sensor, no matter the camera model.

Nevertheless, here we espy an Olympus product that is still occasionally in use at the CB. What we use it for is snore verification. Like one of us may be accused of snoring, yet vehemently deny it, snoring. After all, even a Druid may not be aware of his or her own snores. But with this particular tape recording device, one can get the suspected snorer on tape. Goodness!

So let’s say Rayetta’s snores are keeping Crumby up all night. Yet Rayetta always denies that she even snores, ever. But when Crumby makes a tape of Rayetta’s snores, there is no more denying the truth. Uh. Be advised that many, such as Rayetta, may not like having their snores taped.

Oh! The picture was taken with the Canon 60D and 50mm 1.8. The available Oly equipment could not produce an equivalent picture without flash or a tripod. For heaven’s sake! Sadly, the E 330 is pretty much no count even for documentation photography.

The Insects Task

2011-12-15T06:18:00.003-06:00

Ray, and by extension, his bosom companion, Crumby has been tasked with fixing up all the hundreds of insect photos that they took prior to insects becoming scarce in the Booblico Tejas due to climate change. What that means is, we need to run all those old insect photos through our most recent version of Paint Shop Pro, X2.

It's a lot of tedious work. But somebody has to do it. Well. Not actually. Fixing up those insect pictures may actually be less important than Lady Bachman's presidential campaign. So nobody actually needs to do it. But never mind that. Like Lady Bachman's campaign. It's something to do.

Yes. It's something to do that provides momentary refuge from the ugly reality of life as we may or may not know it. Yes.

Here is an old bug picture just revived. Female sachem during better climatic times.

Stinky Valley, Que?

2011-12-13T08:32:00.002-06:00

Many have speculated as to how Stinky Valley got its name, Stinky. Well. It’s a story that begins with the long history of water engineering. Long ago, the water engineers made their greatest and most enduring discovery. Water, runs down hill. Eureka!

Once the water engineers figured out that water runs down hill, much followed. Like for example, the water engineers eventually realized they could bury pipes in all the streams and creeks, connect all the do do emitters to those particular pipes, connect all those pipes to bigger pipes and then pipe all the do do somewhere else. Eureka!

So that’s what they did. And that’s how all the human shit, piss and corruption winds up somewhere else. Incidentally though, digging up the creeks and streams to bury the sewage pipes provided dispersal corridors for plenty of non-native plant species that were usually employed as re-vegetation agents on the do do transport projects. That’s one of the reasons the creeks and stream banks sport humongous assortments of non-native weeds in these parts.

But all that aside, while water undoubtedly, when left on its own, runs down hill, do do, sometimes known as shit, or paydirt, does not. So if there is insufficient piss or mung water to float the do do along, the do do, settles out.

That’s what happens in Stinky Valley. The do do floats into the pipes in the creeks. But then, what with the never ending drought or shortage of mercurial water eventually turning to runoff, instead of floating out of sight and mind, the do do just squats there, in the pipes, buried in the creeks. So what does the do do, do then? Did you guess, stink? Yes. The do do stinks. Thus, Stinky Valley.

Well. Actually, Stinky Valley also features a fleet of about 250 diesel school buses. When cranked up, they stink too. Stinky Valley!

Cardinalis sinuatus

2011-12-11T10:42:00.002-06:00

Well I never. That’s what Rayetta said when she first espied the pyrrhuloxia. Yes. The bird feeders at the CB currently sport a pyrrhuloxia. Is this yet another portent or indicator of the desertification fixing to afflict these parts? Maybe.

Bicycle Security

2011-12-11T10:20:00.004-06:00

In these parts, Austink and vicinity, one could easily frail a bicycle thief with a dead cat. Well. Maybe not easily, but there is some probability that one could, maybe, depending a priori on the availability of a deceased feline. That’s why the local craigslist features almost daily pleas from luckless former cyclists who just had a bike stolen out from under his or her taut or semi-taut buttocks. Please! If you see this bicycle, my only means of transportation that was also bequested to me by my recently departed, etc.

They say, Go not to the Druids for advice. Because, chances are the Druids shall satirize you. However, Druids often provide , free, unsolicited advice. Like if you want to keep your bike, don’t leave it out somewhere in the wilds all night long or even for a few hours. No. You need to take your bike home or keep it inside where the thieves are less likely to steal it. Good, free, Druid advice.

But if you absolutely have to leave your bike somewhere out in the wilds, like at the Stinky Valley Elementary bike rack, make sure you lock it up. Also, the lock needs to be at least half the size of your bike to have any chance of thwarting the myriad bicycle thieves out there. See. This bike, thanks to the supersized lock, is fairly safe.

Bicycle Security

2011-12-11T10:20:00.001-06:00

No Rest for the Wicked or Evil Never Sleeps

2011-12-10T09:06:00.004-06:00

These saws are not true, universally, or even always true on a more local scale. Nevertheless, they are sometimes true, somewhere, somehow. For example, this cat would normally be asleep. Yet here we espy a wide awake cat closely watching a thin chicken through the window.

All this is happening at the CB since the bird feeders got put up. Yes. All those birds gobbling up seed or what not have attracted the attention of many predators and not just cats or thin chickens. This morning, as Crumby fixed to sashay forth into the east pasture, he was almost smacked down by a red-shouldered hawk. The wing feathers of that dern bird liked to brush Crumby’s cheek. Yet Crumby was not particularly surprised or startled. That’s because the hawks; sharp-shinned, Cooper’s red-shouldered and red-tailed, sally about fixing to eat potential prey birds on a daily basis. Plus, the great horned owls wake Crumby up at night, hooting. Mercy!

Geococcyx californianus

2011-12-09T09:43:00.004-06:00

Like today, Crumby was taking a rare time out from his busy yet arduous schedule. Yes. Crumby was ensconced in his Lazy Boy cogitating over the many household chores awaiting, when all of a sudden, low and behold, a thin chicken appeared out of thin or rarefied air. Many also know the thin chicken as roadrunner or chapparal. Plus, the specific epithet is hard to beat, including as it does, both California and anus.

Therefore and so forth, Crumby raced for the camera and was lucky to get off the nearby shot. Lucky because the thin chicken is notoriously difficult to get documentation photographs of, or, on. It makes history for the Cow Barn.

With any luck, this particular thin chicken needs to fatten up on an English sparrow or two.

Ice in the Pot

2011-12-07T07:44:00.002-06:00

Ice in the pot, ice in the pot, they ice in the pot, ice in the pot.

See! Frosty. Once again Crumby Ovate predicts future events.

Many may know that Stinky Valley is not called Valley for nothing. Plus, cold air sinks into a valley over night. So Stinky Valley is typically colder than surronding Austink. Which means that the hummingbird Crumby espied yesterday need not fly all the way to Mexico to keep warm. No. All that hummer need do is fly over to hothouse Austink where it practically never freezes.

Frosty

2011-12-06T19:34:00.003-06:00

Well. Crumby feels like the jig is up. Already, Jack Frost has visited the CB thrice. Yet those times, old Jack was just fooling. This time, tonight, he is serious. This night, the horns on the billy goats may freeze off. So if you have billy goats, better put them up if you prefer your billy goats horned or horny.

And what do you know? Crumby has not espied a hummingbird since the first week of October. Then Goddess Gracious Sakes, here one came today, slurping at the Turk's caps, which are only now flowering like they ought, only to get nipped in the bud. Mercy! The dern poor old flora in these parts don't know whether they are coming or going. Mercy me and me oh my!

Accosted by a Ranger with a Pig Iron on His Hip

2011-12-01T09:27:00.004-06:00

Pig Iron on His Hip

Yes. It is undoubtedly true that many figured the old Marty Robbins song featured a ranger toting pig iron. What’s more, the whole notion of associating police officers with pigs may have derived from those same defenders of the public order, or the bourgeoisie, toting pig iron as forecasted or foreskinned by Marty Robbins long ago. So, in other words, it was Marty Robbins who unintentionally got many calling the police, pigs. Mercy! Duh pig he comin’ down!

However, what about police officers who “labor” in parts with no bourgeoisie to protect. They must feel generally misunderstood or left out, relative to the greater scheme of monopoly capitalism, having to rely exclusively on the public order for job interest, maybe. Like here in quasi-beautiful Stinky Valley, for example, the original ruling elements departed many long years ago, probably for France. Yes. They sold off the land to developers and left everyone else holding the shit. Like why do you think it’s called, Stinky Valley?

Yet for some reason, the police, that were once here to protect the bourgeoisie, keep on protecting those that linger, long after the bourgeoisie have departed for France, maybe. Well, almost everybody gets protected. It’s like inertia. Protected by the police toting pig iron on their hips. Pig iron on their hips. Course let’s not forget the shopping areas. Maybe they stay to protect the many shopping areas with the pig iron on their hips. Pig iron on their hips.

Anyway, the song, Pig Iron, features an Arizona ranger with pig iron on his hip. The Arizona ranger, (how bizarre is that compared to the better known Texas ranger), employs his pig iron on a wicked outlaw, or maybe a Mexican, known as Texas Red. Goodness! How convoluted is that? What was Johnny, I mean Marty, thinking?

Like it’s always supposed to be a Texas ranger employing pig iron on some foreigner, proletarian or migrant worker. Not a dang Arizona ranger. Have there even been any Arizona rangers? If they existed at all, did they ever have access to pig iron? Ha! Really stupid!

As I pedaled Arizona on one hot or sunny day
I was accosted by a ranger who had nothing much to say
Except he says you need to drive a car, if you want to take a trip
Otherwise you’ll get accosted by the pig iron on my hip
Pig iron on my hip

Fly Drowns Sorrows in Neilmed Squirt Bottle

2011-11-30T07:38:00.002-06:00

Many may notice at this very nonce in these parts, that the few insects around are liable to come in the house. That’s because they may know they will freeze to death if they stay outside all night. So Crumby was not surprised when a big bluebottle (Calliphora sp.) took up residence in the Parlor of the Goddess. Yet Crumby was surprised this morning as Crumby was fixing to deploy his Neilmed sinus rinse bottle, nasal wise. Yes. Crumby had just poured the microwaved H20 into his Neilmed bottle when he noticed that the bluebottle was also in the squeeze bottle. Good thing Crumby noticed. That size fly could easily, jet propelled by the squeeze bottle, get lodged in a nasal passage or sinus. Then, it would be back to the nasal surgeon. Mercy!

Mr. Ovate it appears from the x-rays you have a large bluebottle lodged in your occipital sinus. That fly must come out.

Boo-hoo-hoo. An caint afford it. Maybe he’ll come out of his own accord? Let’s give him some time.

Anyway. Stupidly, Crumby didn’t get a documentation photo of the bluetail fly before it went in the Neilmed bottle. How dumb is that? Course all Crumby did to that fly was pour it down the drain, thus wasting an entire cup of warm Neilmed water. So perhaps the fly shall reappear out the sink drain anon. Then maybe it can have its picture took after all. Who knows?

Dark Eyed Juncos

2011-11-29T10:54:00.004-06:00

The documentation effort continues. Surprisingly, this is the first time juncos have been documented at the CB. It's the feeders, most likely, that bring in the juncos and white crowned sparrows, cadging scraps the other birds have dropped at the feeders. What a life, is a bird's life?

Of course, Crumby, a decades long espier of Class Aves, has been aware of the northern juncos even before they were all, thankfully, lumped. Yes. Once upon a time the various little junco varmints had specific epithets. Yet no honest person could tell them apart. So eventually, they all got lumped. Lumped before science became the province of Republican Christer/Mammonites. Parise the WG!

Makes you wonder though. If there was a bunch of money to be made from mutliple junco species, these days, seems like they would get split again. Yes. Now we enjoy four species of juncos here at this choice spot. It's a quite exclusive here, thanks to all the various juncos, and deserves the highest conceivable wildlife tax exemption.

My Goddess! Crumby despises phony environmentalists.

Whatever! Of the twain juncos inhabiting North America, the fierce eyed juncos may be the more interesting. They are primarily Mexicans. But do they really mostly run, as opposed to hopping along to get along? If so, the twain species of juncos definitely need to get split into two genera, at least. Merciful Goddess!

Bicycle News, No More Excessive or Unusual Noise

2011-11-25T08:40:00.001-06:00

That’s right. Crumby arose early. No. That’s not true. Crumby stayed up late, fixing to fix the bicycle. Then Crumby arose the next morning fairly late, for an early riser, still fixing to fix the bicycle.

Turns out, the chain was put on wrong. And the noise was the chain rubbing on the top shiv housing. Now. Problem solved.

But the other fix required was a new front shifter cable. Yet the deal is, Crumby’s bike came with SRAM 3.0 comp shifters. WWW research and a close look-see at the relevant parts left Crumby wondering whether he would like to attempt to run a new cable through that particular shifter.

Ultimately, Crumby decided he would rather be tied down on a fire ant bed than fix to run a cable through that particular dang shifter. So Crumby opted to purchase a shifter kit with the shifter wires pre-installed. The kit includes the shifters and wires, but not any other hardware like ferrules, housing or crimps, for about $21. (The EBAY vendor for this product is Bicycle Supply. Highly recommended). Eventually, something will go wrong with the rear shifter too, so Crumby is ready, thanks be to the kit. Plus, Crumby’s bike is totally yet temporarily fixed, and roaring along quietly at supersonic speed..

But the seeming near impossibility of a mere home bike mechanic possibly replacing the cable got Crumby wondering. How does SRAM install cables in their own shifters? Huh?

Turns out, many years ago, an oppressed Germanic minority, dwelling in the vicinity of the Swiss border, accidentally domesticated a type of beetle known to the vulgar as wire worms. The larvae of this particular beetle species are tiny, long and cylindrical, but with hooked jaws and featuring incredible strength relative to the overall size of the total organism.

So here’s what these amazing yet enslaved vermin do for their cruel task masters. Day in and day out, 24/7, they pull cable through SRAM shifters. What they do is sit inside the little hole in the shifter housing until a humanoid suddenly shoves a wire in the hole. Then they grasp that wire in their little but terribly strong jaws. Once they get a good hold, they drag or haul that relatively enormous cable around the various right angle bends until both the larvae and the wire eventually emerge at the opposite end. It’s like a miracle!

And what wages do the wire worms get for enriching their masters? They get beetle chow plus a little stale beer. Then once in a great while, they get a potato pancake. Mmm!

Which brings to mind, what grub did the Druids enjoy on Thanksgiving.? Easy that. We feasted on Pederson’s spiral ham, sweet potatoes with pecans and fresh cranberries, collard greens with onion, buttermilk biscuits and fruit salad. It was delicious.

Bicycle Noise Pollution Eliminated, NOT

2011-11-24T07:53:00.002-06:00

Few can be interested in Crumby's trials and tribulations in the guise of, Home Bicyle Mechanic. Dun-duh-dun. Duddle-duddle-dun-dun.

Yet Crumby, plus his bosom companion, Ray, are, for the time being, the responsible parties for this particular venue. So what we do, is what's hugely important to us. And at this nonce, keeping the bikes rideable is super important.

That said. Spreading a pack of lies around the globe reflects poorly on the Druid religion. Turns out, Crumby did not fix the bike noise by oiling the rear derailleur shivs. He thought he did. But he did not. No. No. A thousand times no.
No. That low rattle could still be heard reflected off objects Crumby passed while pedaling.

However, yesterday Crumby was explaining to Rayetta how quiet her bike was compared to his. Then, of a nonce, an actual thought pinged around in Crumby's noggin. Hey! Maybe there is something visually different between those twain bikes that will explain why my bike is a noise polluter.

Sure enough. Crumby took the chain off a time or two or three. And the last time, when he routed it back through the rear derailleur, he put it on the wrong side of the cage adjacent to the top shiv. That was the difference between Rayetta's quiet bike versus Crumby's incredibly noisy bike.

But Crumby needs to wait to make sure the above was the actual or authentic issue. That's because the bike is up in the repair stand getting its front shifter cable changed out. Mercy! The old cable got all frayed. Possibly because Crumby may have not known about the little pinch mechanism groove the cable is supposed to reside in. Well. Now he does.

Sadly, the WG is fixing to punish Crumby for lying in the first place. Even though, Crumby has now atoned for his lying or sinful ways. Just another way the Druid religion handicaps its practitioners compared to "practitioners" of some other well-known religions some might name.

Oh My Goodness Gracious!

2011-11-23T08:41:00.005-06:00

Thanksgiving is nigh. Which generally means that a hard freeze or a frosty condition is also nigh. Actually though, the CB has already had twain frosts. Yet they were not hard frosts. Just barely frosts.

Anyway, the CB has also enjoyed a bit of rain, this particular part and parcel of the passing Julian. As a result, the warm season perennials are flowering and the winter weeds have also gone crazy. Crazy I tell you. Yet there are few insects about. So few pollinators. Dang!

Course, going crazy right before first hard frost is a bad strategy for an annual weed, pollinators about are no. Like here we see bluebonnets, vicias, etc, mostly annual winter weeds, so thick that the bare ground is scarcely visible. Yet all these weeds may be entirely doomed. Yes. They have sprouted at the wrong time of the year and now they could perish forever, any minute.

Mercy! Untimely death. Mercy!

Note to average amateur nature photographers. The finest attribute of a wide angle lens is that you can always include your feet for scale.

Bicycle Noise Pollution Eliminated

2011-11-22T10:30:00.003-06:00

Turns out. All the bike required to stop the incessant clicking was a good oiling of its rear derailleur wheels. Apparently, oiling the chain was not sufficient. So Crumby needed to apply oil directly to the derailleur wheels. Once that happened. The clicking stopped. Something to remember.

Bicycle Noises

2011-11-21T07:06:00.004-06:00

Like generally speaking, bicycles are not a major source of noise pollution. Certainly not comparable to marching bands. Yet they can be plenty annoying. For example, Crumby recently fixed an intermittent clunking noise by tightening the bottom bracket retainers to approximately identical torques. That stopped that. But now, the dern thing is chattering consistently and constantly when Crumby pedals.

Like remember when you thought maybe a bearing was going out in the Mercury Comet. But you were relieved finally to discover a rock caught in the tread. But it took forever to find the rock in the tread and associate that with the noise. Then after that you always figured any noise was just rocks in the tread. But then a bearing really did go out. Mercy!

So. It's back to the repair stand. This particular dang clicking started when Crumby had to take the chain off, then put it back on with one of those new fangled chain links. Ever since then, the chain has constantly clicked. Most noticably when Crumby is alongside a building or some other vertical type object that is apt to reflect noise back to the aural sensory apparati. Jeez Louise! Back to the repair stand.

Crumby wonders how many among the fearless bike commuters employ at least twain bikes out of necessity. Since one bike is sure to be on the repair stand maybe.

Hoof Rats Devour Yellow Watermelon

2011-11-18T07:22:00.004-06:00

Karl the Tracker Druid had a client that was plagued by hoofrats (Odocoileus virginiana). Those particualr hoofrats were voracious. They had goat like appetites, but were, of course, enormous in size when compared to mere goats.

Well. The hoofrats were eating Karl's anonymous client out of house and home. Something had to be done. But urban hoofrats are protected by law from harm. They can't be shot with bullet nor arrow, netted, speared, trapped, snared, lured into pits, run off cliffs, dogged, badgered, chivvied, subjected to pratfalls or any of the other usual activities humans ordinarily practice on hoofrats.

However, consider Roman candles. Karl's anonymous client decided to scare the hoofrats off with Roman candles. Trouble was, he, the anonymous client, didn't take the low humidity into account. Yes. The humidy on that dreadful night was low. So low that spit would never touch the ground, but instead, evaporated in mid-air. Yes. Far lower than your normal or average humidity for these parts. So when the very first or initial Roman candle got shot off at the very first hoofat, that gorgeous ball of pink fire caught the luckless hoofrat midship. Whoa! The hoofrat burst into flame, then tore off, blazing along, careening madly down the streets of Bee Caves, a shithole of the universe.

Alas. Turns out that shooting hoofrats with Roman candles may be illegal in Bee Caves. But Karl's anonymous client didn't wait to find out. He hooked it mighty quick. Which is how he became Karl the Tracker Druid's client in the first place.

After the Powwows Over

2011-11-17T09:12:00.002-06:00

Yes. Dogs can smell powwow from miles away. Um! I, Sparky, am fixing to go eat all the fry bread.

Yet sadly, the dogs don't get to eat all the fry bread. However, a lucky dog may get to nose out scraps of fry bread after the powwows over. Harruuuuuh!

Here's how that might work. The dog gets to do a walky at the powwow location before the various hands clean up or police the powwow site. That lucky dog is sure to be fixing to have some fry bread.

But what if civilization faultered just a tad. If that happened, and it is fixing to happen, maybe dogs would just start following the powwows, living off fry bread scraps or licking the pavement clean of frybread grease. Mercy!

Packs of wild or natural dogs following the powwows from city to city would be something else. Crumby would give a hunerd dollars to espy that.

A Striped Cucumber Beetle

2011-11-15T10:53:00.003-06:00

Many may wonder at the recent paucity of insect electropics at the CB. Well. The insects are generally absent from these parts. No rain. Plants don't grow. No plants. Insects don't show.

Yes. This particular year of the Julian imperial calendar has been toast for bugs. Yet scrounging around, Crumby managed to get a picture of this bug that came in on some produce, possibly lettuce. It was on the lettuce when Crumby found it, but may have been on the cucumbers and simply wandered over to the lettuce, accidentally spreading confusion and consternation as it marauded along through the cold box. Who knows?

The Ant Baffle - A Multitask Device

2011-11-14T08:26:00.003-06:00

Many may recall how Crumby designed an ant baffle to keep the acrobat ants out of the hummingbird feeders. Well, the hummingbirds are long gone (first week of October) and so are the feeders. But the silly little goldfinches preferentially drink out of the ant baffles. So, because the antics of these particular goldfinches are fairly comical, Crumby left out the ant baffles for the goldfinches. The fact is, Crumby may be fixing to make some more, larger ant baffles out of Foster's cans, just for the goldfinches.

Multitasking is way better for recycled beer cans than humanoids.

Suet Feeder

2011-11-11T09:06:00.005-06:00

Many may recall the Hot Pepper Suet Dough Delight featured in an earlier post back on September 19 of the imperial Julian calendar. Yes. That product, a block of pink dyed fat, has finally, after many moons, attracted a downy woodpecker. Honest to Goddess! A downy woodpecker actually ate some of that nasty concoction. Crumby was amazed and shocked, but not electrified.

The proof is, not only did Crumby espy the woodpecker on the suet feeder, subsequent investigation revealed a woodpecker excavation in the suet block. Merciful heavens!

So if you want a woodpecker to eat your suet, and you don't mind waiting a couple of months for the woodpecker to show up, Hot Pepper Suet Dough Delight is your ticket to a better, more environmentally friendly, life.

Crumby, as he first espied the Hot Pepper Suet Dough product, assumed that the chili pequin, or bird pepper, was somehow involved in the preparation scenario. That's probably just power of suggestion following from the fact that when you mix a red (pepper) with white (fat) you get pink. Whoa! Nevertheless, praise the WG, you eventually may get a pecker head in your yard.

Does the Americano Homeland Deserve Big Rick?

2011-11-10T17:30:00.006-06:00

The Druids believe so. After all, a people that embrace monopoly capitalism and imperialism have pretty much given up on self esteem or personal honor. Plus there's the "small government" Department of Homeland Security to consider. Maybe that's the third department Big Rick was fixing to remember to ax. Huh-huh. Pitiful.

Anyway, the Druids were surprised that Rick could actually remember the names of two federal departments. Two is a lot. Especially considering that in the Republico Booblico, where Ricka esta numera una, federal departments are irrelevant. Hector protector! Tejas features state agencies like the TCEQ that were set up for the sole purpose of evading or eviscerating federal law. Oh my gosh!

So chitlins of the Homeland, slack off on big Rick. You won't be sorry. Like it's time that barbarism got a leg up. And then, once the barbarism leg is up, the Homeland excretory organ or Department can go ahead and piss on the socialism leg. Like it's socialism or barbarism, dudes or dudettes.

Another Druid Dichotomy brought to everyone courtesy of RGVECB.

One Bicycle Booby Trap After Another

2011-11-09T11:24:00.004-06:00

First the left crank arm went south. It somehow got cross threaded and goofed itself up. Crumby, lacking a fully functional crank, had to take it to a local bike shop (lbs). Not surprising, the experience was not entirely satisfactory or up to Crumby’s standards. Then, once Crumby got home with his non-matching crank arms, more evil happened. Yes. A spoke turned up mysteriously sheered off and two more were incredibly loose. Back tire of course. So Crumby was forced to purchase his first bike specific tool, a free hub socket that allowed Crumby to remove the free hub so he could then thread in the new spoke.

OK. Crumby, based on his mediocre experience with the lbs decided to do all his own bike maintenance and repair from now on. Turns out, thanks to the www, a frugal plus alert individual can acquire the few tools for all that after considerable research. Like Crumby was able to figure out that the first tool required is a repair stand. Yes. Crumby needed to get that first, and immediately found one, a Park 9, on Craigslist for $75. Indispensable!

After that, Crumby only needed a very few specific tools for his and Rayetta’s Trek bikes. Figuring out which tools for your actual bicycle is not easy on the www, but it can be done. Like after awhile and much noggin sweat, Crumby was able to figure out that the bikes Crumby is the responsible party for, needed these bike specific Park tools: CWP-7 universal crank puller, the BBT-22 bottom bracket retainer ring socket, and the CT-3 chain tool.

Crumby purchased all these tools, plus a not exactly necessary luxury tool, the CCW-5 crank wrench from Buildyourbike, an ebay vendor, for $63, a super good deal. Goodness! Many bike tools, like the CCW-5, duplicate the function of tools you may already possess or cuddle. But the bicycle specific tools may work better than a tool designed for VW Beetles. Like the CCW-5 works better than Crumby’s old hex wrench. Way better.

Oh! Crumby is also considering a dedicated bicycle pedal wrench versus a 15mm box end and breaker bar. Mercy! But mostly, if you have general type tools, they are good enough for your bike. Like hex wrenches, screwdrivers, sockets, analgesics are all good to go. They also may be good for your watch. Not the analgesics probably.

So anyway, once Crumby got the spoke fixed, the rear wheel back on, and the wheel trued between the brake pads, Crumby noticed while riding along later on, that the dang bike was making a funny noise. Dang it! This particular bicycle is making a noise when I attempt to pedal hard on a slightly inclined grade.

All righty then. There is this dead or deceased bicycle expert who was named or called Sheldon Brown. On his posthumous web site, you may encounter a bicycle noise program or key. It works similarly to a dichotomous key. Employing Sheldon’s program, Crumby easily determined that the bottom bracket retainer rings on his bike were most likely out of whack. Sure enough, Sheldon’s simple-minded test indicated play in the crank. Further effort by Crumby showed that the left side retainer ring had to be breaker barred, while the right drive side was handy. Mercy! I bet these need to be about the same tightnees. Jeez Louise! Crumby surmised.

Happily, once Crumby greased and tightened all the various parts, the noise disappeared (actually determined a while later). Praise the Goddess! Yes. That particular annoying noise or pollution is gone from the human environment.

But then there was the problem with the chain. Crumby forgot to put the chain back on properly before he put the crank back on. So Crumby decided, Hey, I have a chain cutter. I’ll just cut the chain then thread it through. Ooops! But that’s another story.

64 year old rides bicycle 64 miles

2011-11-02T18:21:00.004-05:00

Yep. It's like a tradition. Every year older I get, I am fixing to do something that is like the same number. Like it could be something destructive. I could eat 64 shrimp or 64 pork chops or 64 weenies. But instead, I do an activity. Like it could be push ups. I could do 64 push ups.

All this explains why I have lived nearly long enough to collect Social Security. Now, my main goal in life is to live long enough, to age 66, so I can get at least one check. Actually though, one check, not two or three, is my only goal. This after working hard in the Homeland since I was 15. My goal in life is one Social Security check. Mercy! You have plenty to look forward to, chitlins. You should have opted for social democracy. Had plenty chances. Ugh!

A Druid Dichotomy

2011-10-19T08:43:00.002-05:00

Which is better, the spread of bare ground or the diminishment of vegetative cover?

Hmm. This may be an example of a Druid Dichotomy where the twain horns or forks are the same difference. Yet, one option may make this or that individual feel better than the alternative. And where better to study or peruse which option or horn is better than the Stinky Valley Elementary School grounds (conspicuously available to the people) where bare ground is increasing and vegetative cover is diminishing, whichever you prefer.

Yes. Only the irrigated prosper. So, the irrigated plots on the school grounds feature perennial plants (vegetative cover) in a wood chip matrix. Elsewhere, bare ground increases, or, if you feature a negative type personality, the vegetative cover diminishes. Only the irrigated prosper. Consequently, the perennial grass matrix which once occurred on the school grounds, a mix of bermudagrass, kr bluestem, dallisgrass and buffalograss is increasingly replaced by bare ground. Only the irrigated prosper. Which means that the school ground is dusty as the rain falleth not, or muddy if the rain falleth almost never.

Why not cover up the whole shebang with wood chips? Well. That might be OK. Though, the wood chips are dusty too, plus flammable. Plus the little children might hurt themselves fixing to frisk about on the wood chips.

Now for the Ovation. Which is what a Druid Ovate does, ovations. Austink and its associated bedroom communities are fixing to ban irrigation. Bare ground, as a result, is bound to increase, or, if you prefer, vegetative cover will decrease. Furthermore, we shall enjoy a shift from perennial plant dominance to annual plant dominance. Also, this policy shall serve to make the climate hotter. Oh yes. The climate shall wax even hotter than it is now.

How deserts happen.

What Happened to Ray Pistrum?

2011-10-13T14:45:00.004-05:00

Nobody knows precisely. Not even Ray. Yet sadly, Crumby’s bosom companion, Ray, wound up in physical therapy for a bad right shoulder. In Ray’s own words:

It was terrible Crumby. I couldn’t scratch or rub the back of my own noggin. I couldn’t finger my anus for medicinal purposes or excuses. I could barely withdraw a handkerchief from its customary habitat in a right hip pocket. And worst of all, I never did figure out what happened. It just suddenly started a-hurting and I lost the better part of half my movement on that side over night. I was crippled, I figured, maybe for life.

Yet most may know that this sort of pitiful affliction is usually the result of possession by one of your lesser demons. Not a super important demon such as Beelzebub or Mammon, but a nameless demon of small sort, maybe a lady or child demon, nevertheless, prancing with mischief.

Here’s how that may work. The demon jumps a person while he or she is unaware. Like maybe the person or victim of the demon is fixing to hoist a bicycle up by a tree limb while inebriated or stoned out of his or her mind. The demon, observing from a ways off, immediately sees its opportunity, then quickly pounces. Ordinarily the demon gains access through an orifice. Pores are too small. But there are several larger orifices familiar to many. Once the demon has pounced and gotten inside the victim via an orifice, in this example, Ray and one of Rays' major orifices, the demon usurps the motion or ability to move a particular limb or organ, while at the same time, that ability is denied to Ray. Then, instead of Ray getting to fully move his arm, the demon has possession of Ray’s arm and only the demon can move the arm the rest of the way it would normally move with no demon present. Surely everyone can see the common sense in that.

Ray had to go to therapy for two months, get an MRI, visit with a chiropractor, visit with an orthopedic surgeon, plus pay out big bucks to get shut of the minor demon. Plus, all the doctors would advise Ray, Could be worse. Could be cancer.

You probably know yourself that the cockiness of the Americano medicos and their whimsical disregard of the sickly Americano public is totally a function of the collapse of the Worldwide Communist Conspiracy. That’s right. With the Soviet Union, the last hope of the White Race gone to Hades, the millionaire doctors donated mass quantities of bribes to the pols for tort reform. Goodness! Those running dog doctors and pols no longer feared alienating the class conscious masses.

However, despite the demons and doctors, Ray is just about recovered. It’s a miracle. The demon has been cast out via physical therapy. However, Ray may never be entirely well again. Because, a wound inflicted by a demon may never fully heal. Ray may carry that wound for the rest of his life. Then, when Ray is super old, he will board an elf boat. And the elves will welcome old incontinent Ray. Yes. Ray shall pay off the nautical elves, then sail to within sight of the Blessed Isles. But of course, mere mortals are not allowed to actually set foot on the Blessed Isles. Mercy! The last anyone shall ever see of Ray is a gas bubble riding the tide.

Something you don't see, ever!

2011-10-13T09:00:00.002-05:00

Since the CB finally got a little rain, we are actually getting to enjoy a flower or two. But this particular flower shown here surprised many. It is a Turk's cap (Malvaviscus drummondii) flower, opened up. Crumby first espied it yesterday, but forgot to take its picture. But here it is, still open today. What the heck? Is this the result of the horrendous environmental conditions of these parts? Or, is this one a sport?

Rain at Last

2011-10-09T08:52:00.005-05:00

Crumby reckons the WG decided to reprieve the many evil doers. So, at last, after four months of no rain, the rain fell. Naturally, after this great dry spell featuring incredibly high temperatures and shifting foundations, the roof has sprung a leak. So far, the leaks are not so bad we need buckets. But a leak is a leak.

Damnation!

Will the damnation survive? It does not deserve to survive. But deserves got nothing to do with it.

Boy howdy! Like Crumby now has twain bicycles. That's because the red blade is unsafe at any speed, thus, ruling it out for long, hilly, chloresterol rides. So this new bike, a Trek 7100 vintage 2008, is a way better bike than the Blade. (No offense meant to Spalding).

Yet mysteriously, a broken spoke and a bunch of loose spokes suddenly appeared on the rear tire of the 7100. How did that happen? Nobody knows. Maybe the result of an overloaded grocery shopping trip. Maybe an evil doer kicked Crumby's spoke. Goddess preserve us.

In any event, Crumby had to fix the spokes just like Crumby will need to fix the roof, again, anon, to temporarily plug the leak. Mercy!

Crumby needed a special bike tool to replace the spoke. That's because on Crumby's new bike you need to take the freewheel off before you can thread on a new spoke. Yes. You need the RS-1 freewheel tool and maybe a vice. Crumby is happy he already had the vice, purchased for wristwatch repair.

Nevertheless, this particular bike repair reminded Crumby of why so many people drive cars.

Karma Schmarma

2011-10-07T11:29:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, Crumby spent a great while laundering the Red Blade. Mercy! No wonder many ride a bike for a while then get a new bike pre-maintenance. Course, in all, or nearly all, honesty, the Red Blade never has been cleaned off in like 20 years. So it may have been dirtier than your average bicycle. Maybe. Goodness! Mercy!

OK. To get a chain actually clean, you most likely shall need to take it off the bicycle. Jeez F. Louise! Truth is. To get the bike actually clean. You probably need to disassemble it. This is one of the many reasons bikes may be a racket, as opposed to a legitimate means of transportation here in autosuckerland.

So assuming you wish to take your used $200 bike apart for cleaning, How much do you reckon you might need to spend on the tools required for bike disassembly? More than $200. Much more.

What needs to happen is, Somebody needs to vend a working class bike. That's right. A bike that comes with all the tools an average numb nut needs to maintnenance his or her bike.

If this does not happen, bikes will never compete in Americanoland, the Nazi paradise.

Another spectacular ovation provided for free by Crumby.
______

Uh. Hey Crumby! Is there a working class still inhabiting these parts?

Bad Karma

2011-10-05T15:55:00.002-05:00

It’s a good thing that karma does not apply to inanimate objects like bicycles. Because if it did, Crumby would rot in Hades for all eternity or maybe come back to Earth, the home planet of many, as a Rick Perry style evil doer, liar and sissy. How pitiful would that be?

Yes. The truth is, every time one of Crumby’s crumby cars broke when Crumby didn’t have the time or money to fix said vehicle, Crumby would wind up on a bicycle for a while. But all Crumby did with those bikes ever, was ride them. Those bikes were always maintenance free. Except for a Montgomery Ward bicycle that came with a defective bottom bracket. Crumby tried to fix that one because it’s hard to ride on over to the liquor store on wobbly pedals. Goodness!

But now, Crumby is fixing to atone for his many and long lasting bicycle sins or sinfulness of omission. Yes. Crumby is fixing to start repairing and maintaining his twain bicycles as if they must last forever. Which obviously, they don’t. But never mind that. They might theoretically need to last a while, maybe.

Today, at the grocery store, Crumby took a hard look at all the bikes locked up on the racks. Besides Crumby’s Red Blade, there were four other bikes. But only Crumby’s bike was covered in crud. The other four bikes were clean as a whistle; jaunty as Mary the Virgin faunching about on the shores of Galilee, pre-baby Hayseus.

So that’s it. The final or last omen or ovate has been received. Time to clean up the bikes. Mercy!

Rats May Be Plenty Cute

2011-09-29T06:30:00.002-05:00

Here's a bottom of the food chain buddy enjoying a nice drink of cool water.

Hoot Man!

2011-09-27T12:36:00.002-05:00

There they were. All the clans of Scotland assembled in one spot or location. Luckily they had a clothesline.

Clothesline, undears, 8mm fisheye, made for one another.

If It Aint One Thing, It's Twain

2011-09-23T07:53:00.002-05:00

An average kindly naturalist puts out hummer feeders for the hummers. That's right. But then that same kindly individual may need ant baffles to keep the ants from swarming the feeders. So here you go. Baffles. But then a bunch of the dern finches learn how to drink out of the ant baffles. Fine and dandy like Xmas candy. But then those same dang finches, while enjoying a nice delicious drink of cool water out of the ant baffles, then decide to simultaneously crap all over the hummer feeders. See. Crap, like most everything, falls downward due to the force of gravity also known as the God of Gravity. If It Aint One Thing, It's Twain!

But why Crumby? Why? Many or few may query. Why put out those hummer feeders in the first place?

Er. Well actually, hummer feeders may be a mere conceit. Turns out, it might have been better to just keep the hummer plants watered. Although, that might have got us arrested by the Stinky Valley enviro-police. Once again. Bears repeating. If It Aint One Thing, It's Twain!

The Lesser Goldfinch, A Dumbass or Not

2011-09-21T16:12:00.003-05:00

Yer lesser goldfinch (Carduelis psaltria) is a cute little bird. But is it smarter than a dumbass? Nobody really knows. Or maybe someone knows. But they aren't telling. So like with many such deals or things, it is left up to the Druids to figure this or that out.

Lately, the CB has been inundated with Northern Orioles, Baltimore variety. The Baltimore orioles espied the ant baffles above the hummer feeders and immediately assumed, Look! These are important oriole watering stations.

The Lesser Goldfinches, that had hitherto ignored the ant baffles, all of a sudden decided that the ant baffles were goldfinch watering stations.

Now I know. Could have been a coincidence. But all of a sudden, the resident goldfinches seemed to have copied a behavior from the migrating orioles. For goodness sakes!

Hmm! OK! This particular goldfinch may be a bizarro goldfinch. It's like Crumby has noticed that goldfinches look better at a distance. But my Goddess! This goldfinch looks older than Crumby.

More, Okies Spelled Backwards

2011-09-21T12:28:00.004-05:00

Crumby is shrinking. They say, as one ages, one shrinks. Maybe that's a fact of life. But whether it's a fact of life or mere bullshit is not important. The fact is, Crumby's watch bracelet got too big relative to the possibly, incredibly shrinking Crumby. Too many limp Okie handshakes instead of a beefy Tejas cowgirl handshake over time? Mercy!

Action was called for. Somebody needed to resize Crumby's watch bracelet. And that someone, might as well be Crumby himself. Praise the WG!

OK. The particular Seiko bracelet we are now discussing is a little different seems like. I mean, Crumby has not seen that many men's bracelets, up close. But this one is different. Like queer different.

Check out the various stuff in this picture. Top is the watch with resized band that now fits perfectly. Middle is some Seiko pins. There are two pair of pins, then a pair that has not been pulled apart. The two pair on the left are pins that can be pushed out in the direction of the arrows (see arrows on links below the pins). The pins on the right are still stuck together with human exudate or body cheese. Note that the shape of the pins is slightly different as they must fit into the various shaped links. The pins pair on the right (stuck together) is from the opposite end of the pins on the band denoted by arrows. I guess, once you remove the pins with arrows, you can hammer these out if you need to.

When you remove the pins denoted by arrows, push them out in the direction of the arrows right below those dimples on the pins. Use like the other end of your spring bar tool. If you try to knock them out from the other end, south of the arrow, with a hammer and whatch-a-ma-call-it, you'll probably be sorry.

The most important gizmos in the picture are those things on the bottom row in the middle. Those are like little chain links an average person can open and close using a screw driver and pliers maybe. But they are way harder to open and close when pins are in situ than when they aren't. The last thing on the right bottom is, for want of a better term, a link housing with the pins and links all removed.

Hope this helps someone deserving.

Crumby

Okies Spelled Backwards

2011-09-19T10:29:00.003-05:00

It was back in 2006 that the CB Druids first became aware that Natas and Okies have much in common with Satan and Seiko. Besides the obvious, people that are dumb enough to pray to Jesus for rain, also can easily be fooled into believing their watch batteries never need replacing.

Oh man. How dumb is it asking Jesus to make it rain? Jesus may have lived all his actual or fictional life in the desert. Did he make it rain back then? Course not. He couldn't. That's because deserts feature high pressure. So the rains fall not. Course Jesus' dad could make it rain. Frogs. He could make it rain frogs. Very useful if you like frog legs.

Too little, too late for the rain. Merciful Goddess could make it rain. But She won't until all these wicked evil doers get thinned out.

But what we actually need to discuss today is watch repair. Crumby just now fixed his Seiko kinetic watch that has been out of commission for like five passages of the tiny planet Earth around cruel giant Ogma. How amazing is that? Amazing yes. But is it a miracle?

No. If you need special gear to do the job, it is not a miracle. Like minimally, to fix your Seiko kinetic by yourself, you will need modest magnification and good light. That's because two of the screws and screwholes you are fixing to deal with are almost microscopic. Lucky for Crumby he had a Russian communist dissecting microscope capable of providing good views of the Lilliput watch works.

Then also, if you purchase your new battery or whatever from Battery Bob, you get a very nice free plastic tweezer. You'll need a nice tweezer. See! It's gear you need. Not miracles. When it comes to watch repair.

Oh! Chihuahua!

2011-09-19T09:43:00.003-05:00

The CB is making an effort to keep Class Aves in the picture by feeding those miseralbe little ingrates. However, the suet feeder has been less useful than tits on a boar bear. The only members of Class Aves that ate the dang suet or monoplized that particular feeder are white-winged doves. Go figure! Are doves supposed to like suet? Actually, they were probably after the nuts and fruit allegedly in the suet. Well. Actually. Eventually, one chickadee has gone to that feeder maybe once.

The failure of the suet feeder weighed on Crumby as he bicycled over to the pet store. I need to see if the pet store features real meat suet instead of all that vegetarian crap. Yes. I bet those birds would like some genuine, tortured cow, beef fat without all those vegetables.

Scant time passed ere Crumby espied what he was looking for. Whoa! This is just the ticket.

The actual product ensconced in the package is a block of pink colored processed fat. Mercy!

Well. So far so good. The new suet passed the terrier test. Course terriers will eat anything that's ever been in or on an animal. So maybe the terrier test is not a great test. Nevertheless, if you have terriers you need to hang your suet basket where the terriers can't get it.

Meantime we have identified the vermin cleaning out the sunflower seed feeders. The vermin is (are) hoofrats. Might have known.

This morning Crumby went out and hung up the feeders just before cruel Ogma's rising. Practically right after Crumby turned his back, a pack of hoof rats descended on that feeder. Turns out, one of the hoofrats has figured out how to bump the feeder with its noggin, thus propelling the feeder to a horizontal position and causing the seeds to fall out of the tube holes. Then all the other hoofrats help the smart hoofrat eat up all the seeds. That's why they never left a trace. They ate it all. For heaven' s sake.

Home Watch Repair

2011-09-17T06:22:00.002-05:00

Here’s all you may need to start up as a DIY watch repairman or lady.

Ballpeen hammer (may also be used for fixing male genitalia)
Screwdriver
WD-40
Motor oil

Optional

Toilet paper or paper towel

Chances are, an average person fixing to fix a watch, whether that watch be their own personal watch or timepiece, or the watch of a close family member, or even the watch or clock of a friend, neighbor or business associate, already has these four basic tools or things somewhere in the garage.

The hardest part of fixing a watch is getting the back off. Here’s where the ballpeen hammer and screwdriver come in handy.

Eventually, once you get the back off, the next step is to clean all the parts real good. Take all the parts apart that you can. There may be some parts you can’t separate from some other parts. Do the best you can. Remember. You can’t get them all. But that may be OK.

Once you get most of the parts apart or separated, spray them with the WD-40. Try to employ the screwdriver for turning the various parts over so both sides of most of the parts get sprayed.

The WD-40 automatically knocks off or displaces a lot of the human exudate trapped in the watch works or gears.

Next, all you need to do is lubricate the many watch parts with motor oil. After that, and once you perform the reassembly in reverse of what you just did, you and your watch or somebody’s watch are good to go.

Oh! The toilet paper or paper towel may be employed optionally to blot up some of the motor oil should a tiny part or two wind up oilier than you can handle.

Regarding the previous post. Baltimore orioles love grapefruit.

Ant baffles Baltimore Oriole

2011-09-16T06:32:00.004-05:00

What a stupid and misleading headline? Yet it is the kind of headline one might encounter daily in the bourgeois press or media. That is, if one actually read or perused any of those lying or sin infested print journals or similar electric tomes. Remember! Freedom of the press is freedom to own the press.

As this picture clearly shows, a particular Baltimore Oriole, one of the literally dozens of Class Aves fall migrants passing through Austink in time for ACL, is sitting on the ant baffle. The fact is, he likes to drink out of the ant baffle. (Not sure if Gorilla Glue is 100% safe for orioles. But even Gorilla glue water may be better than dying of thirst).

Orioles at the CB are something of a rarity. That said, Red authorized Crumby to put out a grapefruit for the oriole. We shall espy anon whether orioles like grapefruit maybe.

Good Goddess!

2011-09-15T10:33:00.005-05:00

Before dawn. Before Ogma's inevitable cruel rising. Out Crumby went to collect the hummer feeders. It was time to do the refills.

Yet this one feeder had a longhorn trapped in a feeder hole. It got in. But Goddess have mercy. It can't get out. Maybe its neck was too plumped up with sugar water.

Mercy! This particular beetle could not get loose even with Crumby's help. So eventually, Crumby had to pull its head off. No! Yes! So any mercy from the Goddess is fixing to turn up post mortem.

In general, Crumby wonders, What are the various insects that visit the hummer holes nocturnally? Seems like some kinds of moths might. Just wondering.

Course the dry year continues. Hades on Earth. Too hot for man or beast. Send water!

Speaking of Hope

2011-09-14T17:18:00.004-05:00

There are far more humans or humanoids on the Edwards Plateau, now, than the environomnet can support. But what happens when the annual precipitation drops from 30+ to 10" per year or less. Dudes and dudettes. It's fixing to come down.

It's fixing to be like we are considering the last flush. Whoa! What's wrong with this dang handle. No water or H2O is fixing to come out. Boo-hoo-hoo. Is my turd fixing to sit here from now on?

Ooops. Yes it is. Your turd is fixing to go carmetlite. Well. Maybe not carmelite. But however an average person spells petrified turd, your particualr turd is fixing to do that until it is found like a million years from now by a higher intellect or civilization affixed to the side of your porcelain bowl. Mercy! Goodness! Your last turd in the toilet may make history. Dang!

So now that the precipitation has officially quit falling on these parts. Who's for moving off to moist climes? Crumby is hot to trot. Yet many are not. Jeez Louise! A prophet or Ovate gets less respect than anybody.

I am the egg man. Ook, ook a chook. Huh-huh.

That Didn't Work

2011-09-12T05:03:00.005-05:00

Interestingly, right after Crumby rode all over with his Seiko kinetic taped to the front wheel spokes of the red Blade, that particular Seiko tested at full charge and should have been wound or wired for between 7 and 14 days of carefree watch observation. But then, a while later as Crumby tested again, the charge dropped. Then it dropped still more. Then, anon, that watch stopped ticking. Mercy! The only way that watch runs is if Crumby runs or rides with the watch taped to the bike wheel spokes. Dang!

So the miserable watch capacitor is not merely dead. It is sincerely dead.

All righty. Almost a decade after the fact (small bs may escape even the most alert Ovate) Crumby has discovered that his Seiko kinetic was yet another defective product the land of the Rising Sun foisted off on the ignorant yet helpless Americano consumer. Hirohito's revenge.

But there is always Hope. Hope springs eternal. This time Hope is dressed up as a Lithium Ion replacement battery which subs for the inert capacitor.

Huh-huh. Buy this kinetic watch. You shall never need to change the battery. Jeez Louise! Until you need a new battery.

The world of watch repair must be an arcane world. It's like Godzilla meets Jason on an internet dating venue. It's like Frankenstein fixing to get his monster up and running for the first time. Yet replicated a billion times on Amazon and Youtube. It's like that old song. How did it go? Oh yes. Fart me a gas cloud. Fart me a gas cloud. I'll fart a gas cloud over you.

Yes. Crumby is fixing to fix his Seiko kinetic by himself. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Already, Crumby has ordered the replacement battery which comes with a free anti-static tweezer. What a deal! Then there's the rest of the tools. Oh yes, minimally, one needs special tools besides the anti-static tweezer. One needs a special type of goofy watch wrench. One needs a watch case holder. One probably requires a spring bar removal tool to get the dang band off the dern watch. One may (probably) need a table vice to stick the case holder in while one cranks on the watch back with the special watch wrench.

All these speical tools are now available from the far east as well as from Switzerland. Hmm. There is someting of a price differential. Hmm. Hold it. How about some measurements buddies? Like the little opposite slots on Crumby's kinetic watch are in the neighborhood of 33mm apart. Can your dern Swiss tool span a 33mm gap? Nobody knows until after they buy your dang, stinking tool.

Are monopoly capitalism and imperialism actually helping the average, downtrodden Americano dumbass? Nobody knows. Or do they? Mercy!

The Finest Means of Transport, Ever!

2011-09-10T15:43:00.005-05:00

What is the finest way to get around? Easy that. The answer is bicycle. Yet the humble bicycle is good for lots more than just a ride to the liquor store or the neighborhood dope dealer. Yes. A bicycle is plenty useful besides or in addition to, all that. Goodness, gracious sakes!

OK. Like back in the year of the Julian, 2000, Rayetta gave Crumby a Seiko watch. That particular watch broke a few years back. Since then, Crumby has gone through a couple of ultra-cheap and shitty Coleman watches. Jeez Louise!

Now that the second Coleman has officially expired, Crumby got to yearning for a new time piece or wristwatch of a better caliber than the twain miserable Colemans. So naturally Crumby hustled out his broke or discredited Seiko. He needed to measure the various dimensions of his Seiko to establish whether a new watch needed to be of similar dimensions for the sake of comfort and compatibility with Crumby's important status as an Ovate of the White Goddess (WG).

But lo and behold or lo and behind. The dang Seiko, all of a sudden, started working. Yes. Started working even after Crumby had ordered a new watch off EBAY. What the heck? All I did was clean off most of the body cheese and reset the date. Away that sucker went. Mercy sakes alive!

All righty. It says here that if I swing my arm up and down 1,750 times, my Seiko kinetic shall be fired up, charged, electrified, fer a whole plumb, dern week. Ixna ona attha. Hmm. There is no way that a bicycle owner is fixing to put up with 1,750 arm swings to fully charge a dang wristwatch. No. Crumby, the owner of a red Blade, alternatively, taped that over-active or over-sexed Seiko to the spokes of the bike. Crumby employed the fine product, Gorilla tape for the tape job. So far, Gorilla tape has never let Crumby down.

Then, Crumby rode up and down in front of the CB fer a great many iterations until that Seiko was charged to the max. We are talking plenty of electicity. Enough electricity to fry most of the death row boys at Huntsville. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzip! Enough electricity to run the AC at the CB for a couple of nanoseconds maybe.

Now the stupid watch, according to Seiko, is supposed to run for a week on the invested bicycle power. Yet the test is, the funky capacitor has to hold charge all night. Then, next morining, it msut exhibit the correct time plus hand inertia. Doctor! Under some cirumstances I can't keep my hand still!

Of course, Crumby at one time felt like he needed to send his Seiko kinetic in for repair since it was a gift from Rayetta and all. But the repair dudes said, It shall cost more to fix this watch of yours, Crumby, than Rayetta paid. Whoa! Gracious sakes alive! $285. The petit-bougeoisie is not what it used to be. Mercy!

These days, thanks to the www, Crumby may have a fix it yerself or diy option even if his Seiko kinetic slumbers on in the AM anon. Yes. Crumby may need to fix it himself.

But meantime, Crumby has ordered up a new watch off EBAY. It is a Timex. It features the Iniglo technology plus the perpetual calendar. Perpetual calendar. What a great idea that is. How many watches have the average people posessed on which the date was only set once during the lifetime of that particular watch. Millions, Crumby bets. Or they set it twice, maybe.

Few Remember

2011-09-04T13:57:00.003-05:00

Correct. Few remember. Yet years have passed since this particular venue was fresh as a daisy. Back then, the CB Druidry forecast or ovated: If the evil doers want to turn the Edwards Plateau into a desert, they are going about it the right way.

Well. Here we go. Anon, even those with zero interest in nature beyond the human variety shall be fixing to notice this dying environment. Mercy!

Yes. Outside, where the ACs make the weather hotter, these parts are experiencing the first dry norther of late summer. Yes. The hot winds of Hades whip the parchment herbs or parched leaves of dying trees. Goodness! The humidity is almost low enough for fires. Mercy! Anon, we shall burn, baby burn. Then, once the vegetation is mostly burned up or withered away, what do you think? Will we cool off then. Course not.

My word! Outside, the hot wind blows. The first of many dry northers to come.

You may see yourself that many pooh-pooh the terrible heat. Especially the air conditioned. Yet in these parts, the great heat comes with no rain. Great heat. No rain.

OK. What happens when these parts are a desert, only a few years off now, and the few hangers on in these parts are slurping NYC bottled water>? Well. Then we shall anticipate the Great Global Titration. For Goddess Sakes!

Spider Eyes!

2011-09-03T06:20:00.004-05:00

The evil doers have pert near killed off nature in these parts. However, a little nature may survive even in Hades on Earth. It's like when Crumby goes out to mess with the Class Aves feeders. This activity is nocturnal or very early of the AM before Ogma Sunface casts his baleful eye this way.

Yes. Crumby needs to take the seed feeders down at night and put them out again next morning. That's because possums or something can and will entirely empty the contents of a feeder. Well. Maybe possums. Maybe coons. Not rabbits! Not yer poor little bunny.

So you have to stroll around in the early morning before sunup, distributing your many bird feeders, each to its proper post. And there you go waltzing or sashaying across the long deceased grass or Poaceae. Dead that grass is. Long dead.

Yet for safety reasons and also so you may espy your way in the dark, you wear upon your head or noggin, just above your brow ridge, a light, a shining light, a brilliant beacon that can guide you this way or that in even the most stygian of recesses, crannies, nooks or holes where the sun hath never shined or shone. (Hmm. Is nookie a derivitive of nook?)

These type lights are essential for this activity. Sometimes they are known as head lamps, named for those heads that first employed them at night in the Cannibis fields. These lamps are given as gifts, freely but rarely by the elves, or may be purchased outright at Target.

OK. While you are traipsing along in the dead grass, putting out your feeders, you may notice a plenitude of emeralds, reflecting the light of your head lamp. There may be plenty of gleaming jewels. A thousand or maybe two thousand. But what are they actually? Eek! Spider eyes! Dead grass spider eyes!

How miserable can it get?

2011-08-29T07:30:00.002-05:00

Rick Perry for president. Hey. If we can have a president named Barack , why not Rick? Indeed! Why not? The way Crumby espies it, though the western 2/3rds of the Booblico duh Tejas is verging on uninhabitable today, things can get even more miserable tomorrow. But having Rick as president would at least get him out of Austink once in a while. And that might, in turn, help with the local weather. Because Rick is one of the multitudes of Mammonite super gluttons or polluters making Austink hotter by the hour.

How hot is it? Too hot fer man er beast. Mercy! There was no growing season in Travis County this year. Please send food. Please send water. Please take Rick to Washington.

Karma

2011-08-26T15:15:00.003-05:00

Seems like Crumby is enjoying the company of mds more recently than previously. But it's like Crumby predicted when he had his nose fixed. Once those doctors get you they never let you go, except to the undertaker once they have wrung you or insurance dry. Not that the nose didn't require fixing and not that the reamed out nose or associated nasal cavities didn't help Crumby. They did. But nevertheless, seems like now that Crumby gave in to those doctors once, they have him by the shorthairs for this mortal coil. Mercy!

But it could be worse. Karl the Tracker Druid was telling Ray about Jesus. Then, because Ray is Crumby's bosom companion, Ray also told Crumby about Jesus.

Anyway, Karl hired Jesus to trim some tree branches that were occluding the view of the street afforded by the Tracker office picture window when the herbs were not so dang big. Jesus got the job with a low bid.

It was only later that Karl found out Jesus' tree trimming kit was a machete and twain bungee cords. So later, Karl had to take Jesus to the emergency hospital. The trouble was, Jesus had smacked himself in the noggin with his machete. The result of this particular accident was a partial sagital section.

Jesus and Karl had to wait a while at the emergency hospital before they could see a doctor. Which was good. Because that provided time for Karl togradually work the machete out form Jesus' noggin. That was the good news. The bad news was, once the machete got eased out, there was some minor bleeding and brain ooze. But then that turned out to be good news too, because an orderly espied Jesus and started hollering, I aint fixin' to clean that up. Which eventually got the attention of an actual doctor.

Karl was pretty sure the doctor would be seriously impressed when he examined Jesus's head, split down the middle from crown to ear. But no. F*** that. Doctors, no matter what their specialties or lack thereof, are not easily impressed. Except by drug pushers. And in keeping with that tradition, the emergency room doctor's only prognosis or opinion was, Could be worse, could be cancer.

Crackers fer Crackers

2011-08-20T13:46:00.001-05:00

It was terrible. Crumby nearly ran out of Sunshine Krispy Crackers. There Crumby was, fixing to run out. I better ride the Blade (Crumby’s red bicycle) up to the HEB and get some more saltines.

Three times Crumby made that long yet arduous and stinky ride. Yes. It’s stinky on Brodie. Stinky with exhaust fumes. Yet those were also fruitless or crackerless rides. No crackers were to be had at that miserable, understocked HEB.

Finally though, today, in the midst of the fourth cracker ride, Crumby was able to purchase three boxes of Sunshine Krispy Crackers from that sorry HEB.

But what about the millions of old white people practically living on Sunshine Krispy Crackers? How did they fare during the great cracker outage of August 2011? No one knows. But maybe they suffered plenty while fixing to gum their soup, sans delicious Krispy Crackers. How about that possibility?

Therefore, Crumby has decided that somebody needs to start up a new door-to-door service providing crackers fer crackers. That’s right. Old crackers should get their crackers delivered, eliminating the need to go to the store. Also, Crackers fer Crackers should have like a warehouse featuring just Sunshine Krispy Crackers. That way, the liberals can just go to the warehouse, pick up the always handy crackers, then deliver those particular crackers to the needy old crackers. Mmm! Cruch-crunch.

How about this though? Does anyone feel like other races of old people besides crackers should be included in Crackers fer Crackers. Like maybe Crackers fer Crackers should be a rainbow coalition type giveaway.

Ooops. Crumby forgot. Socialism can only be for crackers in these parts. Crackers fer crackers. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Goldfaunch

2011-08-19T21:41:00.003-05:00

Goldfaunch is what Crumby calls your goldfinch, both the lesser and Americano. In these parts, lessers are year round residents while the Americanos show up in the cooler seasons.

Lesser goldfaunches interest Crumby because of their many vocalizations. Also, they are cute little birds, the males, especially.

For many moons Crumby has been fixing to get some photos of a lesser or two. However, he can never get close enough even with the Canon 400mm on a 1.6x crop. That's because your lesser is a nervous little bird, easily spooked.

So Crumby figured, I shall commence feeding them. That way I am apt to sneak up closer for picture taking while they are occupied at their feed.

The pet store features goldfaunch socks that are filled with "Nyjer" seed. Whatever that is. Goddess help Crumby, for Nyjer seed probably grows up into an invasive weed. But whatever!

Anyway, the box the Nyjer seed socks come in features an illustration with plenty of faunchers on the sock happily crunching on the tiny Nyjer or thistle seeds. That's what I want to espy, thought Crumby, gullibly swallowing the propaganda or advertising.

Yet the faunchers have eventually turned up at their seed sock. It took a few weeks, but now a couple of them, these juveniles, come most days. However, they are still nervous, flying off if Crumby gets anywhere near the sock. Nasty little ingrates.

Check out the bokeh. Mercy! The bokeh with the 400mm can be purty dang harsh. But never mind that. Check out the background colors. That'w what 50+ days without rain shall and 100 degree temperatures can do ye fer. Yes. The WG has abandoned these parts because the balance of the people are too wicked to deserve any cool, refreshing rain. Mercy!

Mammalia; Their Various Antics

2011-08-15T08:50:00.003-05:00

Crumby is, of course, a mammal. A bicycle riding mammal. Despite riding a bicycle, Crumby is too damn fat. So Crumby decided to ride the bicycle more, to get rid of the fat. Maybe that will work, unless I drink more beer to compensate for the extra exercise. Then I shall have to ride my bike even more, drink more beer, ride more, drink more beer. Mercy! What a rat race!

Anyway. So Crumby rode his bike all the way up Brodie to William Cannon. Then he turned left on to the south William Cannon sidewalk, headed east. Goodness. Crumby soon encountered a monstrous hill. Anon, he was out of the saddle, huffing and puffing. Yet Crumby made it to the top of that merciless hill. Jeez Louise!

At the top of the hill Crumby dismounted because two official bicyclists, resplendent in helmets and outfits were headed west on Crumby's sidewalk and Crumby figured, fer Heaven's sakes, we might collide. But the second official cyclist remarked, What gear is that?

Yes. Alas. Crumby's bike is a unigear bike.

It took Crumby a while to recover from that hill. He had to have a drink of cool clear water and blow for a minute or two. But then he was off again, headed east.

Man alive! Did you know that it's practically entirely down hill from Deeton Hill to Jones Road headed north. An average cyclist like Crumby hardly has to pedal along that route. Just coast. So when Crumby arrived back on his usual routes, he needed to ride more to get in his usual hour ride because the Deeton Hill to Jones Road component had been too easy. So there Crumby was riding alone in Stinky Valley, when suddenly a gray fox raced across tbe street right in front of Crumby. It was toting a hispid cotton rat in its mouth.

Then this morning on the dog walk, early, a raccoon was espied running about in broad daylight. Also, the sunflower seed feeder which got filled up yesterday was entirely empty this morning. Some dang or dern mammal got those seeds. How? Nobody knows yet.

Rats are drinking out of the outside pet water bowl in broad daylight. Goodness! Signs and portents. How evil can these parts wax before the end? Nobody knows.

Insects are Few and Far Between

2011-08-14T11:11:00.002-05:00

These parts are parched. Which means much to many, but especially that insect photo ops have dried up along with the dern creeks or dang stock tanks. With paltry to no insects abounding, Crumby has had plenty of time with little to do for entertainment. Therefore, yesterday took a happy turn as Crumby espied this little demon fixing to get sucked up by the vacuum cleaner or Hoover.

Hark! Get away from that vacuum cleaner if you know what’s good, fer ye. Crumby instructed the tiny vermin. Then once the little devil or tiny vermin was safe away from the vacuum cleaner, Crumby coaxed it into his St. Louis Cardinals shot glass. There now. You shall get your picture took while you are in this shot glass.

The animal or organism thus depicted confused Crumby for a time. Yes. Crumby could only identify this thing to phyla, that being Arthropoda. Yet as Crumby increased the magnification, there those eyes or peepers were, jumping spider eyes. You may have heard the song, She’s got jumping spider eyes?

Turns out this is a diminutive, 5-6mm long, example of Metacyrba floridana. But why does it seem to mimic a scorpion type animal? Gracious sakes!

A Druid Sermonette: Why God Hates Evil Doers

2011-08-08T08:38:00.002-05:00

Many have heard tell that God loves sinners but hates sins. But like most of what an average person generally hears, that lie was concocted by evil doers to make themselves and other evil doers feel better or have a better self-image. Yet God never participates when it comes to loving sinners. No sir. God hates those sinners. And with good reason.

Many have also heard tell that God sent his only begotten son, Jesus (Heysoos) down to earth. Then what happens.? Well. You know the story. Practically everyone knows the story. Evil doers set upon Heysoos and killed him. Not only did they kill him, they tortured him first, too. Yes. They killed God’s bastard son, plus tortured him first. Thus providing God with yet more in a long list of reasons why he hates you. He hates your miserable guts, all righty!

Then, almost immediately, or in just a few days, as soon as Jesus gets resuscitated or heads off to India, Paul, also known as Saul, and Peter, also known as a Mounds brother, substitute Pauline Transcendentalism for the simple-minded humanism of Heysoos. Now whoa! Not only is Heysoos dead or resuscitated, his story, which God had taught Heysoos to repeat verbatim, is now bowdlerized beyond recognition by Paul and Peter or Peter and Paul. What’s more, it’s only after the bowdlerization that the story (lie) takes off and becomes immensely popular with the masses of sinners or evil doers. God hates them all. And with good reason.

Skip forward 2000 or so years. The Republico de Tejas plus Okrahoma are fixing to roast in Hades. That’s right. The wickedest people on Earth, that God hates most of all, are suffering Hell on Earth, only partly mitigated by air conditioning and irrigation.

Why has God acted at last? Well. Remember God hates evil doers. But the farm subsidies were the last straw. That’s right. Since at least the Dust Bowl, God has provided the peasants of these parts with plenty of subsidies, reasoning, subsidies are part and parcel of the simple-minded humanism, His son, Heysoos, tried to get these louts to understand. But now, all these ingrates have turned against the very subsidies that have made their way of life possible. It is the final straw, the straw that broke the camel’s back, and exactly why God hates your guts.

What’s the Melting Temperature of Glass?

2011-08-07T17:16:00.002-05:00

Crumby has decided the windows are melting. But the process is slow. Yes. Melting winodws can only be verified as one compares thickness, top, middle and bottom. Crumby feels like the bottoms of the windows are definitely slightly thicker. Melting glass, you may know, runs down hill.

Meantime, on the other side of the melting glass window, Crumby espies that except for the leaves lingering on many of the trees, the view is like unto a winter view. That’s what happens when the hottest historical summer coincides with no rain. The herbs go dormant or die and the glass melts. Anon, the trees that have not already gone deciduous shall also loose their leaves. Yes. It has already begun. Even the pecans are fixing to go deciduous. By September of this year without rain, the trees may be bare. Gracious sakes!

Then, along about Samuin, the winds shall switch around. Yes. The dry south wind for these terrible times; the dry northers for the terrible times to come. Mercy! No rest for the wicked!

This summer is probably fixing to become the hottest summer ever recorded for these parts. And many may cry out; Oh Lord my God, why hast thou forsaken me? Well. Easy that. God has forsaken you because he hates you. Yes. God hates you because you are an evil doer. And an evil doer needs to suffer hell on earth as a prelude to what’s going down eventually. So God has afflicted all you evil doers with the great heat and drought that the Druids call a dry period, month, year, decade,or time that could last practically forever.

Many may ask however, do Druids even believe in God? Well. How would it be if Druids, the same Druids that anthropomorphize all manner of deities, didn’t believe or feel like Jesus, the Father, and the Holy Ghost were more or less real? We’d be hypocrites if we didn’t at least concede the possibility of the Big Three. And the fact is, a God that afflicts evil doers is a useful God indeed.

Huh-huh. Here’s how that works. A great multitude of evil doers assemble out in the open or maybe in an air-conditioned auditorium in the sight of God. What do they do, once assembled? Easy that. They ask God for a supernatural intervention or two, a miracle of this or that. Like right now, the evil doers need it to rain. So they pray for rain. Some ask God for rain directly. Some ask Jesus to intercede with God. A tiny minority invoke the Holy Ghost. Please Holy Ghost, we need rain. Please, please Holy Ghost. Make it rain.

Course then when there is no rain forthcoming, the evil doers make excuses. Like God would have made it rain. But the rain would ease the misery of mosquitoes and homosexuals. So God in His wisdom withheld the rain.

But really the truth is, God heard the prayers of the multitude, either directly or from Jesus or the Holy Ghost or maybe from Jesus plus the Holy Ghost, but God did not make it rain. He did not make it rain, because he hates you. He hates you because you are an evil doer.

Actually, the great heat has also afflicted even the Crumby Ovate. It’s like Crumby is going dormant along with the herbs. That’s why Crumby can’t seem to get motivated to do anything. Mercy! Hey! It’s only 104 outside.

The Terminal Consumer

2011-07-28T09:19:00.003-05:00

We have all espied them. Even worse terminal consumers than us. Fatties, hogging it up in their great vehicles. Driving along, guzzling gas in air conditioned comfort, chatting on their cell phones, with their mouths full, for Goddess sakes. Usually, the rear bumper features a Jesus Christ emblem, pitifully comparing themselves to that allegedly skinny or wormy ascetic. Mercy!

But should we feel superior? Well, maybe just a little bit. Crumby means, like, after all. There is a matter of degree to consider. But on the other hand.

Actually, Crumby pedaled over to the HEB on Brodie yesterday morning. Crumby’s goal was the acquisition of some delicious Krispy Crackers, the finest of all the saltines available on the so-called free market. Now first of all, heading over to that particular HEB on a bicycle is perilous for an average elderly old man like Crumby. But not much more perilous than heading over in a great vehicle or regular car. Yes. Mercy. It’s a perilous journey or trip. But the City of Austin, for reasons unknown, made that journey way safer recently. How so? A crew of concrete men installed wheel chair ramps on the sidewalk/driveway junctions just south of the Williamson Always Dry Creek crossing. Merciful Heavens! What a great civic improvement that was for the average cyclist in these parts.

Anyway, there Crumby went, cycling over to the HEB, his mouth watering, anticipating those delicious Krispy crackers he was fixing to purchase. Crumby figured to purchase three boxes, easily manageable in the bike basket. But once inside the actual HEB, checking out the cracker aisle, Crumby noted that the regular Krsispy Cracker slot was entirely void of any crackers. Meantime, right below the regular Krispy Cracker slot or shelf space, there was shelf space for whole wheat Krispy Crackers. Ugh! What kind of a sick f*** eats whole wheat saltines?

Therefore, the upshot is, Crumby rode all that way on a bicycle just to buy some crackers. But there were no proper crackers. Only whole wheat pervert crackers. Sick and disgusting.

Forlornly and wearily, Crumby pedaled on back to the CB. No crackers. Thought Crumby. And where is the corn on the cob? And what about the avocados? Where are the delicious Mexican avocados? And where’s the dang corn on the cob? Mercy!

Mercy Me and Me Oh My! Ant Baffles!

2011-07-26T10:25:00.004-05:00

Goodness! It certainly has been awhile since the venue got an update. That’s because the computer’s hard drive underwent a nervous breakdown. With no hard drive, the computer would not work. With no computer, the internet would not work. With no internet, the venue, RGVECB, would not work.

While the computer was gone, Crumby sometimes found himself alone in the laboratory, staring sadly at the monitor. Sometimes, Crumby would think out loud to himself, how come the monitor’s off? Then Crumby would remember that the computer was gone to the nervous hospital to get a new hard drive installed. Mercy!

Holy Moley! Hard drive prices have sure come down over the last seven years. Crumby purchased a new, 500 GB at Best Buy for $49. How about that?

Everyone talks about the weather. And modern humans do something about the weather too. That’s right. We make it hotter.

This summer is going down as the hottest summer ever documented for these parts. Poetic justice since the collective average denizens of these parts are also about the worst gluttons ever documented. It’s good that they are suffering from the heat and paucity of rainfall. It’s the revenge of the WG and the death of nature.

Achtung dumbkopfs! Drought Alarm Level II. Fire Danger High.

Yes. For months we have been at Alarm Level II. Which means we are only supposed to water once a week with restricted hours on watering day. Course it’s impossible to water enough given those limitations. Thus, the options are, let your plants go dormant or maybe die, or cheat. Many cheat. And why not? All the highland lakes but two are brim full of water. That’s right. Brim full.

What are we saving all that water for? Easy that, new development. Long time residents conserve water so that new immigrants can splurge.

So what’s Drought Alarm Level III. That’s when we quit watering entirely, pour kerosene on the yard and set it on fire.

Meantime though, Crumby has got to keep the birds fed. Turns out though, the various ants, but acrobat ants in particular, took over the dang hummingbird feeders. Those ants swarmed those feeders.

Obviously Crumby needed to do something about the millions of voracious acrobat ants swarming the feeders. First, Crumby tried Vaseline Petroleum Jelly. That’s right. Crumby greased the wires on which the feeders were hung with the jelly which might otherwise have been applied to Crumby’s a-hole. Yet it was a waste of good jelly because the ants traipsed right through with never a bye yer leave. Dang!

Then Crumby decided he needed to try ant baffles. I shall baffle those ants. Crumby thought. But none of the various stores in these parts vended ant baffles. Therefore, Crumby decided on DIY ant baffles.

Here’s Crumby’s ant baffle in operation. It’s the bottom of a Tecate beer can. Crumby cut off the bottom of the can, then crimped the top of the cutoff portion all round, and folded the margin down. That way nobody will cut themselves on the sharp beer can. Safety first!

Crumby drilled a hole in the bottom of the baffle to be. He used a very small drill bit so the wire, when pushed through the hole would be nice and tight. To increase the surface area for glue. Crumby taped the bottom of the baffle over the drilled hole with gorilla tape. Crumby forced the wire through the hole and the tape. Finally Crumby applied a liberal amount of Gorilla Glue.

The ant baffles were allowed to sit over night so the glue would set up. Next day. Voila! Ant baffles.

You have to fill the ant baffles with water or maybe gasoline kerosene. Then they operate like a moat to keep the ants away from the feeder. Course you need to hang the baffle above the feeder. Not below the feeder. Crumby has also designed beer can ant baffles that can go on horizontal wires yet operate on similar principles.

Oh! Vincent Jerome did OK, finishing far from last en le tour.

Oh! Are those that believe in social democracy about ready to feel like armed self defense might be a good idea after all?

Vincent Jerome - A Profile in Courage

2011-07-15T21:54:00.001-05:00

Vincent Jerome just completed 12 stages of Le Tour en la lanterne rouge. And if he could have slacked off a little today, he would have made it 13. But alas, while his French teammate held on to the maillot journe, Monsieur Vincent failed to keep up his end. So now he is next to last. Maybe though, the guy Monsieur Vincent beat will withdraw before the race tomrrow. Maybe!

In any event, Monsieur Vincent moved up four places today after four cyclists quit. But then he also had to out pace one additional participant, thus spoiling his last place streak. Oh well.

French In Charge, Fore and Aft

2011-07-14T22:00:00.003-05:00

The French continue to totally dominate the Tour de France. That's correct. As of this minute a Frenchman is in first. A Frenchman is also in last. Yet it is the last place Frenchman, Vincent Jerome, that continues to amaze. That's because Monsieur Jerome has finished last on 12 successive stages. But at the same time he has also moved up in postion from 198 to his current rank, 175. How about that!

Crumby on Le Tour

Etre La Lanterne Rouge

2011-07-13T15:36:00.004-05:00

Merci! It's a great day for the French, that some call Frogs. Oui!

What has happened? Well. Today, French bicycle riders finished first and last in Le Tour de France. The same French riders also finished first and last yesterday. So clearly, pre-montane, the French are totally dominating both ends of Le Tour. Bon!

Oui. Why should we care? Well. Crumby feels like he may have had a French great grandmother on his father's side. Also, unlike many of his ignorant or savage compatriots, Crumby has no problems with French fries. Mmm. Magnifique!

That's why Crumby is particularly pleased with the results of Le Tour so far. However, we need to skip over the surreal antics of the first place finisher to focus on the last place finisher, Vincent Jerome.

Many may know Vincent Jerome as Jerome Vincent. That's because he could just as easily be named Jerome Vincent. Who would know? But actually, the name of the man at the tail end of Le Tour is Jerome Vincent. I mean Vincent Jerome.

How did he get there?

Well. Vincent Jerome crashed on the first day of Le Tour and never fully recovered from the spooking that terrible crash gave him. So he has been situated in last place, at the end of every stage, 1-11, hence. Incroyable!

However. Despite finishing last on every stage, Vincent Jerome has actually moved up from 198 at the end of Stage 1 to 177 at the end of Stage 11. That's a not to be sniggered at improvement of 21 positions or slots in probably the most important bicycle race happening this year.

So bon voyage Jerome Vincent. I mean Vincent Jerome. You have the 110% support of the Druids in these parts.

Crumby Ovate reporting on Le Tour.

Unintended Consequences

2011-07-11T16:20:00.002-05:00

Red has never, no matter what, ever, let us feed the birds. Until now. Yes. Now we are feeding the birds. Why did Red relent? Easy that. The growing season in these parts, due to the terrible heat and want of rain, was only a few weeks this year. Consequently, the wretched avians have little to eat. So the normally hard-hearted or penny pinching Red was fixing to feel sorry for the feathered vermin. Yes. Those nasty birds were begging at the back door for handouts much like hoofrats.

Therefore, Crumby was authorized to purchase twain hummingbird feeders, a bag of white sugar, a sunflower seed dispenser, a bag of sunflower seed, a suet feeder and a block of woodpecker suet. Surprisingly, several birds hopped on the various feeders immediately. For example, the hummingbirds were at the feeders within an hour. Cardinals, house finches and titmice have been to the sunflower seed feeder. But to the astonishment of many, the only birds to show interest in the "woodpecker" suet are the white-winged doves.

This dove has managed to actually attach itself to the top of the feeder. No mean feat. Lots of times when fixing to land on the feeder, they miss and fall off. Matter of fact, they always fall off the sunflower feeder (they are too big for the perches), so they probably view success at the suet feeder as compensation for frustration at the sunflower feeder.

Plant Photo with the 8mm Fisheye

2011-07-09T18:02:00.004-05:00

Crumby was so hoping that the 8mm fisheye would be good for taking pictures of entire plants. But at first he was disappointed. Then he quit taking plant pictures because the weather got super hot with no rain for months on end. And plants generally lacked that photogenic quality that the average photographer is on the look out for. Or, to put it another way, the plants mostly looked dead.

Yet who is to say Stinky Valley is not beautiful? Here we espy lucerne (the French common name), also known as alfalfa (Medicago sativa), blooming vigorously up against the public school building. The nearby impervious cover (school building) and partial shade may account for this lucerne’s vigor. Yet how did it get here? Nobody knows. But it’s the only lucerne for many miles in any direction.

The pop up flash in combination with the 8mm lends a goofy effect to an already goofy picture. Espy that arm snaking out. That arm needed to fix to hold the lucerne steady in the furiously blowing hot wind that seldom ceases to afflict these miserable parts.

How Pitiful is that?

2011-07-09T10:39:00.000-05:00

The males of Xylocopa tabaniformis parkinsoniae are very aggressive bees. They are also good fliers. As good as bee flies maybe. But there are few flower resources to buzz around, protecting from the other bees, flies, birds, people or whatnot. So this morning Crumby espied a male Xylocopa guarding a stop sign. Stop signs are red, aint they. How pitiful is that?

Plenty of Spiders

2011-07-03T17:43:00.004-05:00

How many is plenty? Well. Plenty is when you see different spiders rather than the same old spiders. Here’s a newly documented jumping spider for the CB, (Maevia inclemens). Crumby feels like jumping spiders are more photogenic than average arthropods.

There’s no telling how many species of jumping spiders stay at the CB. But there seem to be plenty.

Yard Ecology in a Changing Climate

2011-06-30T07:32:00.003-05:00

These parts have been getting hotter and drier over the last couple of decades. Well. Hotter for sure. Recently, like about the last four years, the fall rains that formerly cooled and refreshed these parts, have failed to materialize. How have these evils impacted the CB vegetation or yard?

OK. First, nobody knows anything about yard ecology. So anybody posing as an expert on yard ecology is a charlatan and/or crook. However, there are some that know a little something about turf management maybe. These turf experts have managed to assemble or construct (in the lab) an assortment of short grasses that, when constantly mowed, watered, fertilized and sprayed with a broad leaf herbicide, wind up looking like a putting green. Chances are, if you see what is being discussed here, it is a putting green. Course in these parts you still may have to do some mechanical weeding, on the putting green, just to make sure.

Golf courses are the typical melieu of the turf manager and indeed, most of the expertise available to the yard manager comes from the turf or golf course grass management crowd. Typically, the average yard manager settles for something less than the putting green look though. And in fact, nearly all the yards one espies in these parts feature an amalgam of Eurasian and African weeds with maybe a little St. Augustine holding on under the tree. These yards of the common man scarcely resemble a putting green at all.

So many may in fact know that the average yard ecologist or jockey is not fixing to spend the time and money required to have a yard that looks like an Irish putting green. Especially not in these parts. And that’s OK. Even an amalgam of weeds from foreign parts is better (less evil) than a yard comprised of one water logged cultivar. That is, better according to the White Goddess.

Now, here’s some of what Crumby feels like he knows about the CB yard. And have no doubt. Crumby knows plenty. OK. When Red ordered the lower ranking Druids to clear out the KR bluestem (Bothriochloa ischaemum)we did. We eliminated the KR. Easy that. You just need elbow grease or man power, whichever you have in good supply. But then we made a huge mistake. You see, what we aspired for was a meadow-like yard, filled with happy wildflowers, buzzing bees, etc., but in a grassy matrix of course. Duh! You have to have a grass matrix. Right?

So the huge mistake we made was replacing the KR with buffalograss (Buchloe dactyloides). Yikes! How stupid was that? Really stupid. But the excuse was, we did not realize at that time that buffalograss lawn maintenance requires more mowing and almost as much watering as a bermudagrass lawn. Then, if you don’t mow it every week, and water the Bejesus out of it, and fertilize it for Goddess Sakes, it goes belly up. Plus. The sod was expensive. And now it’s all dead. Dead, I tell you.

What replaced the sickly, retarded buffalograss? Gracious sakes alive! Speargrass replaced it. Speargrass is the white trash name for Texas wintergrass. The Latin name is Stipa leucotricha.

Goes to show, there are unintended reactions to any action. Well. But something besides the inherent ability of speargrass as a competitor versus the non-competitiveness of buffalograss is at play in the example of yard ecology we are now considering. Yes. Speargrass grows and puts out seed mostly in the spring. Thus, it takes advantage of a relatively favorable springtime growing conditions. (Spring rains have not been plentiful, but more so than the autumanl rains). Buffalograss grows and puts out seed later, mostly during summer and fall. Thus lately, the buffalograss has had scant moisture to work with relative to the speargrass. And as a result, the speargrass increases as the buffalograss declines.

Thus, what we espy in this yard ecology situation is, the replacement of one cespitose perennial grass by another with the buffalograss disaster as the transitional step or phase. But what does it all mean, many might fairly ask? Is speargrass good or evil compared to KR? Well. They are both cespitose. So neither one is an especially good yard grass in the traditional putting green sense. Both may be prone to a monocultural lifestyle which is possibly a positive or good attribute depending upon the average yard manager’s feelings on monoculture. However, KR is probably better at the monoculture lifestyle than speargrass. On the other hand, speargrass produces spears, a definite down side for anyone considering actually walking around it. Those dang spears get in your socks.

In summary, we are not especially happy that the dominant grass in the yard was KR bluestem, and now the dominant grass is speargrass. However, on balance, since speargrass is native to North America and is slightly less prone to monoculture, while KR is native to foreign parts and wipes out ever other living thing in its path, we feel slightly better off with the speargrass. Slightly!

By the by, additional increasers of late include side oats grama (Bouteloua curtipendula)and especially eastern gammagrass (Tripsicum dactyloides). These twain grasses also set seed primarily in spring or early summer.

Hey Buddy! Shave Yer Laigs!

2011-06-28T16:15:00.002-05:00

Often when some new taxon level is discovered at the CB, we share the associated BS via the venue. Well goodness gracious! Here we espy a fungus weevil of the previously unknown (to us) beetle Family Anthribidae. Yet also Crumby and Ray have recently pooled their meager resources. To what end? Many might ask. Well. We purchased PSP X2 Ultimate and a refurbished, small Wacom ( Wack”em) 4 tablet. Now, despite the well-known old dog conundrum, we are fixing to learn new tricks.

Like here is the dern fungus weevil Toxonotus cornutus. But look. We have added a cartoon in the LR corner. How about that?

So. Though progress is slow. We are learning new tricks, gradually.

Keep the Faith

2011-06-23T08:16:00.000-05:00

Night before last, these parts finally got a respite from the Hell-like weather that afflicts us. Yes, with temperatures running 20 degrees above “normal” for weeks on end, the WG finally took pity on the faithful that keep hope alive in these parts. But you know, it’s a mixed blessing. True, the CB got a nice rain shower, but so did the evil doers. Yes. The evil doers who are responsible for the terrible dry years still get the benefit of the scanty rain. It’s enough to make Crumby question his faith.

But then Crumby remembers the little, relatively innocent ones. The seedlings that clap their hands for joy. The tiny, cute vermin that gleefully wave their drenched antennae. The varmints that frolic or gambol, then head over to a puddle for a refreshing drink of cool water. Thus and so, Crumby keeps the faith.

Lancasters, Yorks, Games and Songs of Zombies (A Special TV Show Review)

2011-06-21T08:47:00.005-05:00

If you are the same difference as Crumby, you may have watched most of the HBO series, A Game of Zombies, also titled, A Song of Zombies. That’s what Crumby alternately calls the series because he has skipped ahead to find out what happens. How did Crumby skip ahead? Easy that, Crumby read a synopsis of the books the TV show is derived from on Wikpedia. Praise the Goddess for Wikpedia.

Of course, Crumby can’t take any credit for first noticing all the zombies. Most all the other reviewers have noticed and commented upon the zombies too, before Crumby. It’s human nature to notice zombies. But who cares about anybody else’s reviews anyway? We are now discussing Crumby’s review. So it is Crumby who shall provide the lowdown on all the zombies.

OK. We know from what was presented on TV that the mysterious Others may be responsible for turning the miserable Wildlings into a type of zombie. The Wildlings are apparently a tribe of white trash trapped on the wrong side of the mysterious Wall with the cruel yet malicious Others. Mercy! Once turned into Zombies the only thing that will stop the zombies is fire. In other words, they need to be burned up. This is different from regular zombies that need to be shot in the head. Course the particular zombies we are now discussing couldn’t be shot in the head because the ignorant civilization afflicted by these zombies lacks firearms. Too primitive.

Then another type of zombie we get to see on the TV in the first season of the HBO series is zombie Khal Drogo. Zombie Khal Drogo is kept sort of functioning by witchcraft. However, zombie Khal Drogo is inanimate. So he’s like a zombie in a coma, or maybe a paralyzed zombie. What the heck good is an inanimate zombie? Even the beautiful Daenerys Stormborn (what a moniker, what a gal) can’t get a rise out of zombie Khal Drogo. However, in common with the white trash zombies, zombie Khal Drogo winds up getting set on fire. Just to make sure.

That about covers the zombies featured in the TV series so far. But the extant books, that is the four published Games or Songs of Zombies feature more of the ambulatory dead. And Wikpedia does a good job of covering the rest of the zombies too, so you don’t have to read the books to find out about the zombies.

OK. Who are the additional zombies? The first upcoming zombie we may meet on TV next season is zombie Beric Dondarrion. Zombie Dondarrion is accidentally on purpose resurrected during a religious ceremony. Next, a major character gets killed off but is soon resurrected as zombie Catelyn Stark. Lady Stark is resurrected via an extended religious ceremony. Zombie Dondarrion confers zombieness on Lady Stark. (Surely the swarms of Christian literary critics parasitizing fantasy literature have noticed the similarities between Dondarrion and Jesus). Later, we may learn that the totally evil Mountain that Rides, Gregor Clegane, also known merely as the Mountain, is also a zombie, re-animated by the de-frocked Maester, Qyburn.

Besides these obvious or probable zombies, there are various other possibly resurrected types running around. For example, the character Cold Hands, who rides an elk, may be dead. Although, one must wonder about what kind of elk would let itself be domesticated by a zombie. Yet the fact is, in Games and Songs of Zombies, most may rise again. Some have speculated that Cold Hands may be Benjen Stark, born again. You just can't keep a good Stark down. Others agree with Crumby that Cold Hands is a Gentleman Bronco.

Another example, Eddard York, I mean Stark, is espied down in the crypts below Winterfell the very night of the very day his head gets chopped off. Could be ghost Ned. Could be zombie Ned. We don’t know. Because in this one instance Wikpedia spells out few details. We don’t even know if ghost or zombie Ned has its head.

Here are all the ways you can get turned into a zombie in A Song or Game of Zombies.

1) The Others get you.
2) A Priest of R’Holler (sp) gets you.
3) Someone that is already a zombie gets you.
4) Maester Qyburn gets you.
5) A witch gets you.
6) You drown and someone present knows CPR
7) Totally unknown

All righty then. Now for a few interesting features of A Song or Game of Zombies that have only a little bit to do with zombies.

Besides zombies there is a plenitude of supernatural, biologically unlikely or extinct creatures featured. Crumby shall attempt to list all these alphabetically. He may miss some.

Children of the Forest (Brownies or Pygmys?)
dire wolves (domesticated)
dragons (semi-domesticated)
elk (domesticated)
gods (lots)
mammoths (domesticated)
Others (?)
raven (three-eyed)
shadows
warlocks
witches

The only actor Crumby recognized in the TV series, Games or Songs of Zombies, as having been in other movies or TV shows, besides Boromir and the dwarf, is the gal who plays Osha. (Isn’t Osha a disfunctional federal agency?) Anyway, Osha is the same difference as Nymphadora Tonks of Hairy Pooter, I mean, Harry Potter fame, and a welcome relief from many of the other characters in Songs or Games of Zombies.

Progress at Last

The book series has been chugging along since the 90s. But recently, progress has been slow. Like for example, zombie Lady Stark may be the longest running zombie in all of civilized literature. And fans of the book series need to figure out what’s fixing to happen to zombie Lady Stark plus the rest of the zombies. So thank goodness for a new book release next month on July 11. How long will it take for a synopsis of the new book, A Dance with Zombies, to appear on Wikpedia? Crumby can hardly wait.

A Related Doggerel

Oh the Yerks and Lancasturds
they was restless Ainglish lerds.
Jumpin’ in and out of bed
even after they were dead.

Summer Solstice

2011-06-21T06:58:00.001-05:00

Today, as many know, is an important Druid holiday. Many take off work, or should, to celebrate. What’s to celebrate? Easy that, after today, the part of the Earth the CB is situated on is fixing to tilt away from the direct stare of Ogma Sunface. This means the days gradually get shorter, and conversely, the nights get longer.

Some recognize that Earth, the home planet of many, orbits Ogma Sunface. At Summer Solstice, the Earth has made it half way around Ogma. But that’s only if you consider where Earth was about 180 days ago as the starting point. Which only makes relative sense.

Here’s a paradox for those in these parts troubled by the Demon Heat. Earth is closest to Ogma Sunface in January. That should make y’all feel cooler.

Today concludes the most Hell-like Spring of Crumby’s experience, ever. All spring the CB received two inches of rain. The plants are dormant. The bugs are dormant. Crumby is dormant. Only the hoofrats gambol about, thriving on handouts.

Big and Loud

2011-06-16T09:56:00.002-05:00

Last night the cat wouldn’t come in. So Crumby had to go outside to find the cat. You may know that on full moon nights, your cat may not come in. Your cat may stay out, possibly all night.

But Crumby, while fixing to find his cat, got distracted by an incredible racket. Crumby thought to himself, That is maybe the loudest insect racket I have ever heard. Yes. There were twain insects counter-singing nearby. Turns out, one of them was easily espied in the top of Carolina buckthorn (Rhamnus caroliniana).

Here it is, Paracryptophyllus robustus. Crumby found a recording of its song on the www. That’s how he identified it to species. It’s supposedly a Texas endemic katydid.

Oh. The cat came in. It’s too hot for Crumby’s cat to stay out for long, even at night.

Infested by Natas

2011-06-15T11:33:00.005-05:00

For the many who may not know who Natas is, He is Satan, a horned God of the Jews, Christians or Mussallmen. Whichever, it’s the same difference.

Anyway, we Druids are as ecumenical as the next boy over when it suits us. Plus, Druids feel like we need to give credit where credit is due. So when we have a lightbulb infested by Natas, that qualifies as a miracle.

Consider the evidence for a dern miracle. Almost from the nonce this particular lightbulb behaved crazily. Nay. This lightbulb seemed insane. Like it was possessed. It would like behave independently of its controlling switch, turning itself on and off randomly. An average person never knew what it would do, on/off. So actually an average home owner like Crumby was never safe in the garage if safety depended upon a lit environment out yonder. Thanks be due to the crazy antics of this demonic lightbulb.

Also, this evil lightbulb deceived Crumby. Yea verily. You may have heard tell that Natas is the Great Deceiver. Well. Here’s more proof. This lightbulb, by its antics, convinced Crumby there was a short in the socket. See. Deception is one of Natas’, uh, big powers.

Yet Crumby is a parsimonious creature. So when the lightbulb in the garage door opener ceased lighting up, Crumby decided to switch the Natas bulb over to the garage door opener. Goodness! Mercy sakes alive! Me oh my! The crazy, Natanic lightbulb we are presently considering behaved the exact same way in its new location. That was the final proof. Proof that this particular lightbulb was possessed by Natas, the Horned Demon/God of the Christlike, etc.

Mercy! Yet what shall happen to this demonic force of a lightbulb now that its cunning wiles have been revealed. Uh! On the one hand, frugal Crumby feels like it can still shed light, albeit intermittently. But on the other hand, it is totally unreliable, same as anybody or anything too crazy to hold a job or posessed. Hmm. Crumby may need to send this one back to the manufacturer. Let those capitalist roaders deal with their Natas infested light bulb.

Also, if you don’t much like midget cicadas, you need to put out some sugar for your acrobat ants.

Acrobat Ants

2011-06-14T09:00:00.003-05:00

One of the most commonly encountered ants at the CB is the acrobat ant (Crematogaster laeviscula). They are commonly espied on trees, tending aphids on Vernonia baldwinii or Verbesina virginica or wandering around in the house. Generally Crumby has an acrobat ant or two on this very desk where he now sits typing.

Fortunately, these acrobat ants are little concerned with people and don’t seem to bite. Anyway, they have never bitten Crumby despite some rough handling. Alas though, they may nest in the frame of the house, probably not excavating themselves much, but taking over from termites. Mercy!

Your average acrobat ant looks a little like a fire ant, with a red head and thorax plus a black abdomen. But note the pear-shaped abdomen. Then too, it has two prominent spines on the thorax. Crumby reckons they are called acrobat ants because they can elevate the abdomen or rare it up into odd postures.

One of the best places to observe these ants at the CB is in the Texas ash (Fraxinus texensis), especially at night. During the stygian hours thousands if not hundreds of these particular ants can be found marching all over the ash. Here we espy a group of them eating sap. Last night, the Texas ash exhibited these spots of sap and the ants were taking advantage. Crumby does not know if the ants abraded the tree to cause the sap flow. If they did, those ants are ashholes.

Here are some of these same ants on ironweed sucking up to yellow aphids. Crumby has also espied them on the verb virgin with red and black aphids, also sucking up.

Now we all know more about the acrobat ant than we did a while ago.

How to Stay Round Chested in Forked Parts?

2011-06-13T07:24:00.003-05:00

Yes. Even though these parts are forked, there are things an average person can do to keep entertained. For example, insects are entertaining and persist as objects of wonder or speculation even when the parts are forked. Now it’s true that there are few insects out in the daytime, under Ogma’s fierce gaze, but the night is a different story or tale. Well. There aren’t actually a lot of insects even at night, but there are a few and they are diverse. That is, Crumby never sees very many on a given night, but there are nearly always a few, and generally they are different than the ones Crumby espied on preceding nights. In a way, perfect! All righty. Here we shall present two of the more interesting yet diminutive insects from last night.

This one is a little cicada and is the first documented live cicada of this species for the CB. The other one was found in the house, deceased, in a spider web.

This one is a very small, ca 6mm, long-horned beetle. It is, in fact, the littlest longhorn Crumby has espied, ever.

These Parts are Forked

2011-06-09T07:19:00.003-05:00

This is, if Crumby is not off, the Year of the Julian, 2011. Most of us, even the rotting dead, have made it just over halfway around Ogma again. Did any escape the trip? Maybe! Remember the Rapture may have wafted some away.

Yes. A lucky few may have been chosen. Chosen to go off to Heaven in place of a Jewish Virgin. Er. Crumby has not precisely figured out how that works. But it could be that at the actual time and location a Rapture Event needs to occur, there are no Jewish virgins handy. But somebody needs to get Raptured so in that event a worthy Gentile is shanghaied. But like, Crumby is far less certain about the substitution of a gentile for a Jewish virgin part of the Official Rapture than he is about the importance of tornadoes.

During the Year 2011 of the Julian, the CB has received about 3.5 inches of precipitation. And now, predictably, with no soil moisture, diurnal temperatures hover around 100, daily. Mercy!

Well. One good thing about a dry year is very few baby deer, that some call fawns, get processed. Better yet, none got processed at the CB. So at least the does are not attacking Crumby when he ventures out in the back yard. (Huh-huh. Crumby likes to catch the baby deer. Once he catches them, he likes to put them in cardboard boxes. Huh-huh). Naturally, the does know that Crumby is up to no good, so they attack him.

Yet the vast herds of wild deer need to do something to make up for the necessity of boxed fawns. What do they do? They drink up all the water in the bird bath. Then, if Crumby is not constantly on the alert, the poor little birds of Class Aves get nought.

Achtung dumbkopf! We are in like stage fire engine red alert for “drought” caused wild fires. Everywhere Crumby is fixing to head to, the people cry out, “Crumby are we fixing to experience a fire on our property.” No. Crumby explains. The humidity is too high. You have nought to fear unless you also have teenagers or drunks on your property.

However, getting back to the deer, you must know that during fire engine red droughts, the government only allows the people to fill birdbaths once a week. Furthermore, the birdbaths can only be filled up on a specific night, precisely at midnight. Also, the responsible party that fills up the bird bath has to stand on one leg while hosing the birdbath. Additionally, that same person who is in charge of the birdbath must also cover up the right eye with the right hand while standing on the left leg and vice versa.

Is there sufficient water for all the thirsty? Yes. But the humans are saving it up for flushing. So many shall perish from thirst. But probably not this one, wild deer #30.

The Imperial Magic Formula

2011-06-06T09:20:00.001-05:00

Crumby, like most regular adults humans, was once trapped in the body of a child, helpless and defenseless. But even back in those scary times, Crumby knew that whoever got to be the elected president would soon undertake imperialist adventures abroad, no matter what the presumptive president said regarding imperialist adventures abroad before he got elected. Yes. American imperialism has always been a sure bet at the crap shoot some call our precious foreign policy.

Anon, Crumby’s tiny head grew larger. Pretty soon, as Crumby’s head grew larger, encouraged to eventually reach its present gargantuan proportion, by his immature brain, forever straining against a restraining dermal skull roof, Crumby figured out that the ruling class, or some responsible party amid the ruling class, must have a mechanism or magic formula for turning all the presidential electees into imperialists. Plus, given that our precious ruling class has never been all that bright, lately especially, Crumby deduced that the magic formula had to be something really easy to operate, similar to fairy dust.

In ancient times, pre-Crumbian, rumor has it that the Booblican Party was anti-imperialist. Or, more specifically, the Booblican segment of the ruling class didn’t like to pay taxes. Sound familiar. So for sure they didn’t like to pay mass quantities of taxes to support the troops on foreign soil. (This was before the Booblican section of the ruling class was shown how to support the troops on foreign soil with other people’s money).

So Crumby is fixing to decide what would happen if one of our twain modern crusaders against imperialism, Rep. Paul or Rep. Kucinich, somehow got elected president. But that’s not much fun. So let’s assume that a hybrid of the twain with like super anti-imperialist powers got elected. But right before he takes the oath, he gets an e-mail from the Pentagon.

“Mr. Presumptive President, you need to come over to the Pentagon for your foreign policy briefing”.

Off he goes. But like as soon as he goes through the door of the Pentagon, a bucket of fairy dust that was suspended above the front door to the Pentagon gets dumped on him.

You may wish to know who operates the bucket. Easy that. They take turns. But on this particular occasion, Chitlin Cheney got the ceremonial honor of operating the fairy dust bucket. That’s right. Old, fat Chitlin got to pull the rope. He got so excited, transforming the newly elected into an imperialist, that right after he had to go in for an artificial heart tune up. Mercy!

OK, mi Americanos. A dreadful fact of life has just been brought to the attention of me, the incumbent president. The dreadful fact of life is, a billion Hindus are refusing to eat their meat. How can they have any pudding, if they don’t eat their meat?

So we need to force them, for their own good, but also for the sake of our national interest, plus the global economy, to eat their meat. Therefore, I have decided to cluster bomb the bejesus out of the Indian subcontinent. Then, if they still won’t eat their meat, we shall by God send in our brave contractors plus the military. And our brave contractors, plus the military, shall stick their noses in their meat. After that, they shall damn for sure, eat their meat. OK. Buenos noches, mi Americanos.

A New Order for the CB

2011-06-04T07:06:00.001-05:00

Well. The poor old venue has languished of late. That’s because Ray injured himself at work. Then Ray had to go to the doctor. The doctor prescribed pain pills and muscle relaxers for Ray. But Ray decided those pills weren’t any count. So Ray switched to whiskey.

Crumby says, It aint fair that my bosom companion should enjoy all that whiskey while I get naught. So that’s why the venue has languished. The responsible parties have been fixing to cure Ray’s pinched nerve.

Did you know that the main duty of the government in America is to protect monopoly capitalism and imperialism? Course you did. Everybody knows that.

But what about the New Order at the CB (documented). Well. Last night, while alternatively viewing Messier objects via the Great Red Tube and checking out the insects at the window screens, we happened to espy this tiny, 4mm body length, vermin. Turns out it’s a subimago, small minnow mayfly in the Family Baetidae. So the New Order for the CB is Ephemeroptera.

Why in the heck has this character turned up at the CB in the midst of a scorching dry year? Can they make do with a birdbath?

A Spitting Spider in the Sink

2011-05-23T08:49:00.003-05:00

So there Crumby was, fixing to fix his delicious, primarily canned supper dish, Crumby’s Canavecbeau, when he espied this spider in the sink. If you discover these particular spiders in these parts, they are liable to be in the sink. Don’t know why. Apparently, they do spit venom. But normally these spiders only spit at prey items, not Druid cooks.

Once in a while the Druids like to provide the ignorant masses with an opportunity to cook up a genuine Druid recipe. Here you go.

Crumby’s Canavecbeau recipe.

One large fresh onion chopped and browned in Canola oil. Use the biggest skillet you got.

Once the onion is done to your satisfaction, you may wish to add some meat. Chicken is good. So is stew meat. Cook the meat until it is pretty much done or when you feel like you probably won’t get tularemia if you eat it.

Add:

One regular can - black beans

One regular can - refried beans

One regular can - RoTel diced tomatoes and green chilis. Note: A regular RoTel can is littler than a normal, regular can of regular canned vegetables. So you may wish to use two cans. Or, you may wish to use the RoTel with habeneros which is way hotter. Way hotter!

One small can of green chilis. Hatch or generic. You should always get the whole green chilis and chop them up yourself. The whole green chilis are getting harder to find maybe.

If you can’t tell the smaller green chili cans from the bigger generic cans, that’s OK. The green chilis are mild and a few extra won’t mess anything else up.

A dash or two of chili powder, salt and pepper to taste.

Simmer on medium low until all the flavors are swapped around. Serve with tortillas and a nice salad. Mmm! Or rice. Mmm! Or cornbread. Mmmm!

Bicycle Dos in a Bike Friendly City

2011-05-19T09:46:00.003-05:00

Crumby has been riding a bicycle in these parts for a year now, lately. And it gets scarier every day. Goodness!

Austink, where Crumby rides along, home base of what's his name, is listed among the 50 most cycling friendly cities according to a bicycle magazine at the doctor’s office. To qualify for the top 50, no cyclist got double tapped by a motorist in Austink the month the Bike Friendly City issue was getting laid out by the editors. Either that or the Chamber of Commerce bribed the magazine’s editor, or more likely, its ownership.

Well. In all fairness, the bicyclist does get a few breaks in the “weird” city. There are sometimes bike lanes. There are sometimes sidewalks. But the best and safest place to ride your bicycle, Crumby has discovered, is, continuous left turn lanes. There are sometimes continuous left turn lanes. You may know about those third lanes situated between the other two lanes where an average motorist can go to make a left turn. Luckily for the cyclist, those left turn lanes are generally empty. Away the cyclist goes, making swift progress in the continuous left turn lane while the motorists zoom along in their own lanes, uninhibited by you, the average slow moving cyclist or target.

Course the trouble is, continuous left turn lanes, bike lanes and sidewalks are not laid out so the average cyclist can go everywhere on them. No. But there are also parking lots. Those parking lots may come in handy too. So the goal is, to plan routes that you may pedal along in bike lanes, sidewalks, continuous left turn lanes and parking lots.

But alas, you may have to pedal down a regular street sometime or other. That’s why quiet residential streets are important. You need those to. But beware. A quiet residential street may not have any witnesses to a double tap.

OK. You have planned a route to the grocery store or liquor store that is all bike lane, sidewalk, continuous left turn lane and quiet residential street. Trouble is, there are intersections on busy streets to cross. You may have to actually stop your bicycle’s progress. You may have to, gasp, brake.

Crumby personally feels like he is most vulnerable on his bicycle when he is stopped. That’s because Crumby feels like, leaning akimbo ( because Crumby is too short for his foot to actually reach the ground on his inert bike stuck at the intersection) that all the surrounding motorists hate him. How does Crumby know they hate him? Well. They yell and holler crude remarks at Crumby. They throw litter at him. They splash him by racing through adjacent puddles after it’s rained. They blow horns and whistle at poor Crumby. Yes. Such a bike friendly spot this is, Crumby always reminds himself.

So never pedal to intersections with lights, ever. There is a reason those intersections have lights. The lights are there to regulate the progress of many angry motorists in great vehicles, made still angrier from getting stopped by the light. Yes. There those angry motorists are, stopped by the light, impatiently waiting for the light to change. Then along you come, pedaling, wobbling unsteadily amid the exhaust fumes, fixing to fit yourself between a great vehicle and the curb. All the drivers are watching you, hating you, wondering if you and your bicycle will somehow keep them from getting through the light once it finally turns green. Mercy!

In these parts, Austink, the bicycle haters are so confident in their hatred of bicyclists, they send hate mail to the Austink Falangist Daily, the local Nazi rag. Yes. Before Crumby gave up on the news, he used to read some of the Letters to the Nazi Editor. There they were, unabashed bicycle haters, spewing their venom in black and white.

They use the roads but don’t pay taxes. They slow down traffic. They don’t abide by the same traffic rules as cars. They get what they deserve (double tapped).

Mercy!

OK. Here’s what Crumby has learned he can do. Do plan brakeless trips. That’s right. Every time you go for a ride, you should hit your brake(s)a maximum of twice. Once when you get to your destination (liquor store) and once when you get back home. That sums to twain brakes a trip. Note. Ideally you should reduce brake usage to zero. Zero is your goal.

When pedaling on sidewalks or hike and bike trails employ a horn or bell to move the pedestrians out of your path. Like Crumby has a bell which he rings when pedestrians get in the way. Don’t worry. They’ll move if you ring or honk soon enough. And once they move, you won’t have to employ your brakes.

Do run stop signs. We have already discussed how you do avoid lights. But stop signs can be almost as bad. So time yourself and always run those stop signs. Always!

Uh! OK. You may have to stop at a stop sign sometime. But you have already planned your route. So if you must stop, make sure you are likely situated on a seldom used street with no angry American Nazi or Christian motorists lined up behind you. Goodness!

Do you know why the average American Nazis or Christians hate bicycles? Maybe not. The reasons are few, and so semi-complex, that we, Ray and me, can not go into them on such short notice. But at some future date in time or space we may assay to answer the terrible question, Do you know why the average American Nazis or Christians hate bicycles?

Oh! Isn't It Cute!

2011-05-18T12:06:00.002-05:00

This colorful little leaf beetle is found on the CB skunkbush sumac. But we have finally figured out that its larva is what we previously identified as possible sawfly larva, thus blaming an innocent plus non-existent sawfly for eating up the Rhus. Dang it.

But this reminds Crumby of the Druid dichotomy: Which is better, to have sinned and been forgiven, or never to have sinned at all? Mercy me, and me oh my. This is a very tough or difficult Druid dichotomy. Because Crumby and Ray also, the twain bosom companions, are always sinning, and then being forgiven. But what if Crumby and Ray commit some sins but are run over by a great vehicle before those particular sins can be forgiven. Then what?

Hmm. This is precisely why many people get old. As we age, we are maybe less likely to be filled with sinful energy, so we commit fewer sins, and thus, are less likely to require forgiveness. Also, with age, may come wisdom. And burdened with wisdom, plus age, we may sin less.

But like what happens if Crumby has misidentified a bunch of bugs, sinned and sinned again in other words, and then got run over while riding his bike to the liquor store? Will the WG show Crumby any mercy? Probably not. That's why the average sinner needs to make a clean breast of it long before he or she is apt to get run over.

Well. At least Crumby won't burn in Hades over this dern vermin. Please see the corrected version of the 3-28-2011 entry to this venue and see how Crumby atoned for this particular sin.

The Spring Migration of DY 6

2011-05-14T09:55:00.002-05:00

For heavens sake. Are practically all the neotropical migrants deceased? Yes. The great spring migration has come and gone in these parts. Once again, literally dozens of migrants have possibly passed this way. Yet this year only two warbler species exploited the CB; Nashville and yellow. Round about there was a chat, a couple of blue grosbeaks, a rose-breasted grosbeak, plenty of clay-colored sparrows and some willow flycatchers (song). That’s about it. Bad suck, aint it! The death of nature.

Whut the Great Horned Owls Et?

2011-05-14T08:59:00.005-05:00

Goodness gracious sakes alive! Mercy me and me oh my! Here’s a gander at the remainders left by the urban great horned owls. The keen and knowing observer will recognize parts and parcels of Class Aves. Here a foot, there a skull, there a synsacrum. Interesting that the bird parts got passed through minus much of the pellet process.

OK though. What’s the common, wild, outdoor rat in these parts? Did you guess, super Sigmodon?

The Owls Fledged, We Hope

2011-05-13T14:22:00.001-05:00

This morning, May 12 of the Julian, Crumby headed over to the great horned owl nest. Lo and behold, all the owls were gone. Praise the WG with great praise! Course in these evil times, something could have got the owls. Evil doers are everywhere. But probably the owls fledged successfully, hopefully.

After making sure that the owls were quite gone from the nest tree, Crumby sneaked over to collect pellets. Yes. Crumby wanted to see what urban owls eat. Right away Crumby was astonished by all the feathers lying around. Not owl feathers either. Goodness! These owls ate up lots of birds. More on the owls’ diet later, maybe.

After a short search Crumby returned to the CB with a bunch of pellets. But then, wonder of wonders, the rains came. You may know that these parts have not had any rain since February. But it’s raining now. Hard! So everything else is on the back burner while we enjoy the rain. Praise the Goddess!

By the way. Evil doers have literally attacked the CB. More on that later too.

A Rapture Hypothesis

2011-05-09T12:03:00.001-05:00

Oh well. There are plenty of signs that point to The Rapture fixing to occur. And all these signs are pretty well documented; for example, earthquakes and volcanoes are typical of the many well- documented signs or portents that anticipate, The Rapture. But what about tornadoes? Some say that tornadoes are becoming more frequent, more powerful, bigger in every way. Therefore, tornadoes might also be construed as a sign for the upcoming Rapture.

The Druids though, don’t agree. No. Sorry. Tornadoes are not a sign for The Rapture.

But if tornadoes are not a sign, what are they? Well. Tornadoes are a mighty wind, rotating in a counter clockwise fashion. Well actually nearly all the tornadoes in these parts rotate counter clockwise. However, in South America , where tornadoes are rare, they rotate clockwise. Go figure.

A visible tornado as espied by the naked eye is funnel- shaped. The narrow end of the funnel-shaped, whirling vortex or tornado may actually touch the ground, whereas the wider end is situated up in the heavens. Yea verily, the wider end is way up yonder, in heaven.

Because the tornadoes are apparently getting worse in these parts, they may already be capable of actually sucking an average-sized, adult human up into heaven. For sure, even now, they are plenty strong enough to suck up babies, toddlers and midgets. So it is really easy to imagine that as the tornadoes gradually get more and more super charged, they could actually suck up practically anybody, even including the grotesquely obese.

Now that we have already learned what a tornado is and how tornadoes can suck up people, we still need to discuss how tornadoes may relate to The Rapture. If they are not a sign or ovation announcing The Rapture, what are they? Well. Perhaps many have already guessed the hypothesis. Yet the obvious still needs to be conjectured upon out in the open. So without further ado, the Druid hypothesis is: Tornadoes are the actual physical mechanism whereby The Raptured are vacuumed or sucked up into heaven

That’s right. A tornado comes along. Yes it does. And these particular tornadoes have been taught by Jesus to recognize the rare, the pure, the virginal, sin-free souls dwelling amidst the wicked multitudes. So that at the time or times of The Rapture, tornadoes shall suck up the pure few, leaving the sullied or soiled sinners behind, to rot or putrefy within the murky and malodorous bowels of Hades for all eternity plus one.

Please consider the proof. Where do most of the people on Earth that believe in The Rapture, abide? Did you guess, the US Bible Belt? And where do most of the tornadoes occur? Again, Did you guess, the US Bible Belt?

Paraphrasing Jesus, none of you dumbasses shall know the exact hour or minute when the tornadoes shall be released. Not even Jesus knows that. Because there is no precise time. Instead the tornadoes shall be released gradually over a period of many moons. This time release of the tornadoes shall give the righteous plenty of opportunities to get sucked up. Like if you get missed by one tornado, just be sure to stand in the path of the next tornado that comes along. Off you go. Heaven Bound!

Mercy! Did you know that some have already undergone The Rapture, carried off to heaven by a tornado? Well. They have been Raptured. Yet you are still here. Mercy!

Fixin to Fledge

2011-05-07T08:36:00.004-05:00

The baby great horned owl pair is fixing to fledge. Here they are, out of the nest. Know what? Owls are important WG totems. That in addition to being important unto themselves.

Crumby is not happy with the sharpness of the 60D x 400mm. This was shot on a tripod using a remote shutter. It's way too blurry at 100%. Dang it.

OK. Now for an important religious interjection. To whit; Druids should pray really hard for the rapture. Like please WG, help Jesus or the responsible party waft these superstitious dumbasses out of these parts.

Huh-huh. Uh-oh! What if the rapture came along and nobody got took? That would be like the sound of one hand clapping, all righty then.

But of course somebody might get took. Like all the baptized yet innocent babies might get took. Oooh! Man alive! Mercy! How spooky would that be? Heck! My precious baby has gone missing and I can't even get its little picture on a milk carton. There's no more room on the milk cartons. Boo-hoo-hoo.

Ecology Action Photography

2011-05-04T07:00:00.003-05:00

Just like at a nursery business, where you may find ecology pots; that is, pots with a group of diverse plants growing together in the same pot, not merely a monoculture, in nature you may take pictures that include multiple elements in the same pictures. Multiple elements makes for ecology action.

Here we espy three main or major elements. These are a blister beetle, a thistle (Cirsium texanum), and a digger bee, maybe. But this is a still shot so you will need to imagine what else is happening. Like that bee may be fixing to get jumped by a blister beetle larva. The blister bee larva get on the bee. Ride back to the bee hole. Then they eat up the bee larva. Mercy!