Crumby on the Job - Wide Angle

So last Tuedsay I get back to the trusty Tahoe that never lets me down unless I lock the keys up in it. I start to rig down, which includes taking off all my gear that I have adorned myself with for my job, bird enumeration. So I'm taking this and that off and I get down to these leggings that are supposed to stop snakes from biting me. They probably wouldn't work for that if a snake actually ever bit me, but they are warm and keep most of the cactus from sticking me in the shins. Anyway, I take off the right one and then I go to take off the left one. But lo and behold, the left one is gone. Mercy! It must have fell off somewhere. So then I realize I have lost one of my employer's cactus or snake leggings, whichever.

Now, even though those leggings probably do not work for snakes, they confer a belief in the wearer that the wearer is more impervious to serpents than he would be without the leggings. However, consider this. Is one legging better than none? Maybe if yer a one-legged bird enumerator, a dern parrot countin' peg leg it is. Otherwise one aint, better. One legging is, in fact, worse then none. Everyone knows a snake would go for the leggingless leg, fer sure. Besides, one legging would unbalance a person, causing him to walk in circles for eternity, maybe.

I have some chaps. So I got those chaps out yesterday and took them with me in the trusty Tahoe. Those particular chaps of mine are zippered chaps. They have zippers that make them possible to get on and off, barely. But my chaps' zippers were seized up in the up position and I could not get either one of them to zip down or even budge one zip. I even lathered them up with oil from the dipstick of the trusty Tahoe, but they still would not budge a solitary zip.

Consequently, I was pretty sure a snake would get me yesterday. I figured a snake has been planning to get me all along, and was just awaiting the right opportunity afforded by my seized up zippers. But the snakes had pity on me yesterday, so I figured they would get me today.

Naturally though, they did not get me today, either, because snakes do not get Ovates. It is against the Law of Nature for snakes to get Ovates. That's what I forgot in the first place. So you see, I had nothing to fear after all from those serpents and snakes.

Anyway, today I am strolling along enjoying how cool my legs are, when right there in front of me, not ten feet up the fire lane, is a great serpent of terrible aspect. Immediately I thought, "This is exactly why a photographer needs a wide angle camera lens." Yepper. I have never wanted a wide angle lens, because landscapes, closet interiors and fatty, lardasses are all especially redundant and I don't need a bunch of those kinds of boring pictures around. Er. Hmm. A collection of wide angle fatty lardass shots might be fun. But never mind that. Snakes are what you need a wide angle lens for. In fact, for this snake, I would have liked a wide angle, super macro, fisheye lens.

OK. So you can't see the snake very well. But despite that, the whole snake is in the picture. This snake happens to be a Texas rat snake. I can tell you it was lumpy with little bulges all along its terrible, serpent-like body. I bet it ate a bunch of baby mice. Also, that snake would not get out of the dang way. I had to step over it without my leggings. That snake was digesting.

Ray's pantaloons give me an idea. What the general non-Druid needs, when heading out to snake country, is a nice pair of inflatable pantaloons. Inflatable pantaloons are the best gear for preventing serpent bites. Plus, you can get air conditioned inflatable pantaloons for just a little bit extra.