The Great Dry Norther of DY 4 Has Hit

There are few alive today who remember the great cold spells that formerly afflicted these parts. Matter of fact, few in these parts remember much of anything besides football scores. That’s why the government keeps statistics. Because if we relied on the memories of some old dumb ass, everyone would be totally confused regarding past events or trends except for some of the football scores. That’s right. The anecdotes of that old dumb ass, plus a few feebly recalled football scores, would pass for common knowledge.

Yet we need government intervention for another reason. The young people are truly innocent and ignorant. Yes. Those young ignoramuses know not what the weather was like during the winter of the Julian, ‘96. Those ignoramuses were not even born yet. Pitiful young fools!

But then besides the government statistics, posterity may some day have access to eye-witness accounts of events long past, thanks to RGVECB. Like for example, a million years from now, long after the people have devolved into mud puppies, the Angel Moroni may descend to earth. Yes. The Angel Moroni shall come on down, looking for the various lost tribes of people. But sadly, all the Angel Moroni shall scare up, the only remaining documentation of the people’s former, uh, importance is Crumby's sad commentary on everyone's fate.

That’s right. This very document shall be the only human relict that the Angel Moroni shall find. But from this document, the Angel Moroni shall learn that the tribes devolved into mud puppies or maybe amphiumas.

Yes. Angel Moroni, I am the Crumby Ovate. And I am informing you, Angel Moroni, from across time and space, (many millennia may have passed in fact), that if you need to find the lost tribes, they are now amphibious. So you need to look for them off in the swamps.

Now Crumby has left an important message for the Angel Moroni that will help the Angel Moroni to locate the lost tribes of mud puppies, water dogs or hellbenders many years from now. But what good does this message do for the people that are lively today? How do these personal accounts of current weather conditions help today’s average people?

OK. Crumby woke up this morning. The wind woke Crumby up. Yes. The wind woke Crumby, because the wind was making like a loud moaning type noise. Ohhhhh! Woe is meeee! Then, there was this squirrel on the roof that died from possibly a heart attack. That particular squirrel was up on the roof faunching around when the wind hit. All of a sudden, possibly from the unprecedented shock of the cold wind, that squirrel’s heart suddenly stopped. Thump, thump, thump, thump. Yes. A thump or two was the last noise that squirrel made before it pitched off the roof.

With dead squirrels raining from heaven like manna, Crumby decided it was high time to get out of bed. Everybody, Crumby plus his little pets, lined up at the back door. But nobody wanted to actually go out. Brrr! No. Everybody wanted to stick a nose out, but nobody wanted to go out. That’s because the wind was moaning. Ohhhhh! Woe is meeee!

However, Crumby did happen to notice that the verb virgin was not, I repeat, was not doing its thing. Perhaps it is fixing to do its thing once the temperature drops below freezing. Or maybe it’s done for. Time shall tell, maybe.