Change Big Ass Year to Big Ass Month
Life, really is a pointless exercise in futility. Since Friday last, Crumby has endured a plumbing emergency, a gas leak emergency and a jury duty summons. Yes. Thanks to a stupid propensity for civic duty (voting), Crumby is generally afflicted with usually about two jury duty summons annually. (No matter what anyone says to the contrary, the responsible parties really do Shanghai jurors from the voting rolls.)
Well. All this life as the miserable know it caused Crumby’s blood to boil. Literally. Yes. While at the doctor’s office for a physical, Crumby’s blood pressure figured at 150/92. Is that great or what? Plumbing emergency, gas emergency, jury duty, physical, and high blood pressure alert! Still fixing to recover from quadruple bypass surgery! Trying to re-plan the missed Alaska vacation! A medical emergency or death almost certain before that vacation can happen, again! Trip insurance! Who would sell trip insurance to this man? Life as we know it really is a pointless exercise in futility.
Which brings Crumby round to an old hobby Crumby has recently tried to dust off. Birding. Crumby ordered a birding book for Alaska just before life shit all over him. In fact, the thought of Crumby’s new book arriving gave Crumby something to look forward to as he strived at keeping his breathing apparatus or nasal passages above all the normal life shit that threatened to drown him in human shit feces plus toilet water. But then the book arrived and it has proved to be just so much more shit, piss and corruption.
A sample: The best time to espy the figment of someone’s imagination buttbird is February 29. The road is usually impassable but the buttbird habitat can sometimes be reached if you park your rental car in Landslide Gulch, then swim the remaining mile or two. Try to swim fast as you will need to get there early to reserve your spot. Because later, this area will be packed elbow to asshole with sociopahtic, bazooka toting, bear hunters. Be sure to wear bright colors, holler and jump up and down once the hunters start to arrive, or not. Maybe you should wear earth tones and hold still.
Meanwhile, keep one eye peeled for the imaginary buttbird. You will need to check out the forest, the shrubbery, the grassland and the water features because the buttbird could be anywhere, everywhere, or more likely, nowhere. As an example of how the buttbird could appear anywhere, back during a previous Leap Year a plywood panel blew off a truck going down the highway. The plywood panel soon attracted a passel of buttsnakes. (As everyone knows, the underside of boards is prime snake habitat, especially buttsnakes. T he buttsnakes, in turn, attracted good numbers of buttbirds to the plywood throwdown. Unfortunately, within a few hours, the plywood, the buttsnakes and the buttbirds were either buried by an earthquake or mugged by spruce bark beetles. So unless another board flies off another truck, you will need to diligently search all the various potential habitats at this general location on February 29 as discussed above.
Remember too. The potential imaginary buttbird habitat may be located on private property. Be sure to respect private property by calling ahead to alert the sociopahtic, heavily armed landowner that you are coming. You don’t want sociopahthic property rights activists to think badly of birders, do you?
Egad! Begorrah! Sum beech!
All righty! Having endured a month of car birding, twiching , listing and chasing, Crumby has decided that a Big Ass Month is plenty of this hobby. Mercy!
Well. All this life as the miserable know it caused Crumby’s blood to boil. Literally. Yes. While at the doctor’s office for a physical, Crumby’s blood pressure figured at 150/92. Is that great or what? Plumbing emergency, gas emergency, jury duty, physical, and high blood pressure alert! Still fixing to recover from quadruple bypass surgery! Trying to re-plan the missed Alaska vacation! A medical emergency or death almost certain before that vacation can happen, again! Trip insurance! Who would sell trip insurance to this man? Life as we know it really is a pointless exercise in futility.
Which brings Crumby round to an old hobby Crumby has recently tried to dust off. Birding. Crumby ordered a birding book for Alaska just before life shit all over him. In fact, the thought of Crumby’s new book arriving gave Crumby something to look forward to as he strived at keeping his breathing apparatus or nasal passages above all the normal life shit that threatened to drown him in human shit feces plus toilet water. But then the book arrived and it has proved to be just so much more shit, piss and corruption.
A sample: The best time to espy the figment of someone’s imagination buttbird is February 29. The road is usually impassable but the buttbird habitat can sometimes be reached if you park your rental car in Landslide Gulch, then swim the remaining mile or two. Try to swim fast as you will need to get there early to reserve your spot. Because later, this area will be packed elbow to asshole with sociopahtic, bazooka toting, bear hunters. Be sure to wear bright colors, holler and jump up and down once the hunters start to arrive, or not. Maybe you should wear earth tones and hold still.
Meanwhile, keep one eye peeled for the imaginary buttbird. You will need to check out the forest, the shrubbery, the grassland and the water features because the buttbird could be anywhere, everywhere, or more likely, nowhere. As an example of how the buttbird could appear anywhere, back during a previous Leap Year a plywood panel blew off a truck going down the highway. The plywood panel soon attracted a passel of buttsnakes. (As everyone knows, the underside of boards is prime snake habitat, especially buttsnakes. T he buttsnakes, in turn, attracted good numbers of buttbirds to the plywood throwdown. Unfortunately, within a few hours, the plywood, the buttsnakes and the buttbirds were either buried by an earthquake or mugged by spruce bark beetles. So unless another board flies off another truck, you will need to diligently search all the various potential habitats at this general location on February 29 as discussed above.
Remember too. The potential imaginary buttbird habitat may be located on private property. Be sure to respect private property by calling ahead to alert the sociopahtic, heavily armed landowner that you are coming. You don’t want sociopahthic property rights activists to think badly of birders, do you?
Egad! Begorrah! Sum beech!
All righty! Having endured a month of car birding, twiching , listing and chasing, Crumby has decided that a Big Ass Month is plenty of this hobby. Mercy!
posted by ray pistrum at Tuesday, February 05, 2013
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