Red Remembers
The Labor Pains of the Ulaid
This story is not about a bunch of the Ulaid bein sore from workin too hard and havin to rub ointment on their hides. Nor is it all together about Ulaid women with labor pains. Instead, it’s about how all the growed up men of the Ulaid got to learn about labor pain, as in the kind that comes with birthin, personally. Let’s remember that Ulaid is what the Ulstermen of those days, a great while back, called theirselves.
There was a great fair announced and Crunniuc, a prosperous farmer, that is a lucky farmer, told his wife Macha, “I, Crunniuc am goin to the fair.” “Say nothin foolish,” advised Macha. “Not likely that,” replied Crunniuc, and off he went.
At the end of the day at the fair, Crunniuc was front and center when the award ceremony for the fastest chariot horses was held, and at this event, of course, the king’s horses and the king’s chariot were announced victorious. All of the Ulaid present, save Crunniuc, proclaimed that “nothin was as fast as the king’s horses.” But Crunniuc, havin partaken of a Dolmen Stout er two, announced, “My wife is that fast!” and was, as a consequence of this claim, straight away hauled before the king.
“So Crunniuc, yer wife be swift as me horses,” says the king. “Yepper, She be that and faster me lord,” bragged Crummiuc. “All righty then, we shall put Her to the test and if yer lyin, then yer lands are forfeit, to me and yer life as well, maybe. Send messengers to fetch Crunniuc’s wife, what’s her name, Macha.”
This was done, and Macha, to save Her husband from ruination and maybe death, departed for the fair, though Her time to deliver a child was almost due, which was why She hadn’t gone to the fair with Crunniuc in the first place. She arrived and the king and all the Ulaid could clearly see that Macha was great with and havin labor pains, but the Dolmen had been flowin and the king was ever a gluttonous basturd so the race was on. Of course, Macha outrun the king’s horses and won the race. Then she lay down to give birth and cried out “Who among the Ulaid would help me? None of you, so any man that hears me now will suffer the pains of a woman for five days and four nights whenever danger threatens!” And so it came to pass that all the great men of the Ulaid assembled at the fair that day were so afflicted ever after with labor pains when danger threatened.
Macha bore twins and ever after the site of the fair was named for Her, and it was called Emuin Machae. And the land of the Ulaid would have been wrested from them and all the cattle and pigs stole due to the spell of Macha, but then come the boy Cuhulian to succor them, but that is another sun god story.
Macha might want to consider a dose of the lps fer some of our current bunch of no-account “leaders”, not for when danger actually threatens, but just for when they think it threatens.
This story is not about a bunch of the Ulaid bein sore from workin too hard and havin to rub ointment on their hides. Nor is it all together about Ulaid women with labor pains. Instead, it’s about how all the growed up men of the Ulaid got to learn about labor pain, as in the kind that comes with birthin, personally. Let’s remember that Ulaid is what the Ulstermen of those days, a great while back, called theirselves.
There was a great fair announced and Crunniuc, a prosperous farmer, that is a lucky farmer, told his wife Macha, “I, Crunniuc am goin to the fair.” “Say nothin foolish,” advised Macha. “Not likely that,” replied Crunniuc, and off he went.
At the end of the day at the fair, Crunniuc was front and center when the award ceremony for the fastest chariot horses was held, and at this event, of course, the king’s horses and the king’s chariot were announced victorious. All of the Ulaid present, save Crunniuc, proclaimed that “nothin was as fast as the king’s horses.” But Crunniuc, havin partaken of a Dolmen Stout er two, announced, “My wife is that fast!” and was, as a consequence of this claim, straight away hauled before the king.
“So Crunniuc, yer wife be swift as me horses,” says the king. “Yepper, She be that and faster me lord,” bragged Crummiuc. “All righty then, we shall put Her to the test and if yer lyin, then yer lands are forfeit, to me and yer life as well, maybe. Send messengers to fetch Crunniuc’s wife, what’s her name, Macha.”
This was done, and Macha, to save Her husband from ruination and maybe death, departed for the fair, though Her time to deliver a child was almost due, which was why She hadn’t gone to the fair with Crunniuc in the first place. She arrived and the king and all the Ulaid could clearly see that Macha was great with and havin labor pains, but the Dolmen had been flowin and the king was ever a gluttonous basturd so the race was on. Of course, Macha outrun the king’s horses and won the race. Then she lay down to give birth and cried out “Who among the Ulaid would help me? None of you, so any man that hears me now will suffer the pains of a woman for five days and four nights whenever danger threatens!” And so it came to pass that all the great men of the Ulaid assembled at the fair that day were so afflicted ever after with labor pains when danger threatened.
Macha bore twins and ever after the site of the fair was named for Her, and it was called Emuin Machae. And the land of the Ulaid would have been wrested from them and all the cattle and pigs stole due to the spell of Macha, but then come the boy Cuhulian to succor them, but that is another sun god story.
Macha might want to consider a dose of the lps fer some of our current bunch of no-account “leaders”, not for when danger actually threatens, but just for when they think it threatens.
posted by ray pistrum at Saturday, August 13, 2005
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