Crumby on the Job - The Rules are Bullshit
As a former Christian, yet, once saved always saved, I am innocent and nothing I do or say can get me in any trouble on any account. I am innocent, saved, washed in the blood of the lamb. That’s right. Innocent as a bloody lamb. Saved, I shall always be forgiven and that is the same difference as innocent, right. Ha! Good for me, bad for you.
But theology is not on my mind today except the preceding little bit of theology. No, today, I need to spell about bird enumeration, which happens to be my temporary job, and the rules for bird enumeration.
Bird enumeration, as a clever person might guess, is the art or science, whichever, of counting birds. The only downside is, you have to GPS all the ones you count. Then, to get the tally, you sum up all your GPS bird locations. Given that there is electronic equipment involved, much of the joy of bird enumeration is pissed off. But hey, all jobs do that.
The rules for bird enumeration are set up to minimize the probability of enumerating the birds and to simultaneously maximize the hours the bird enumerator spends doing bird non-enumeration while on the clock. This is because the people who pay for bird enumeration almost never want any birds found. But they are generally rich and do not care how much it costs to hire a bird enumerator that will enumerate few , or better yet, no, birds. The consultants who help write the rules for bird enumeration also like rules that indicate plenty of dead ass hours, like riding in an air conditioned vehicle to and from survey sites and post survey reporting that includes the mystery known as “territory mapping”. Ooooooooooo! Territory mapping!!!!
Territory mapping occurs when the bird enumerator fancifully conjectures territories for all the birds enumerated, generally by drawing on a map with a pencil, then a Sharpie, maybe, where the bird territory is, based on best professional judgement and one or two GPS points; totally silly, but lucrative.
OK. Skipping around the rest of the satire batting around in my noggin, here’s what a serious bird enumerator might do if he really wanted to enumerate birds instead of follow silly rules.
1. Access bird enumeration sites whenever, as opposed to sunrise to 12 AM.
2. Tape as much as the bird enumerator feels is appropriate, any time, any place.
3. Never visit an area again once a bird is enumerated in that area. If a bird is there, in that area, and there is an Ashe Juniper within a thousand feet of that bird location, all that area is bird habitat. You are done in that area. Focus in on areas where birds have not been enumerated.
4. Enumerate after rain showers and from two hours before sunset to sunset, occasionally.
5. Have your ears cleaned once a year. You will be surprised by all the stuff you may have in your ears. Bugs and such, maybe.
6. Do post nesting surveys to find out about the rest of the bird’s habitat.
Yepper. Over time, the great seasonal profession, bird enumeration has ignored my rules and adopted silly rules rooted in Republican ecology. But remember, bird enumerator, these silly rules are really, guidelines.
All righty then. Based on the above, you have decided that a seasonal career as a bird enumerator is the lifestyle for you. But wait! Before you decide, let me tell you what happened to me today.
OK. There I was, out in the terrible wilderness with only the trusty Tahoe for company. Right away, I enumerated a bird. The trusty Tahoe and I moved on, further and further, until we figured the already enumerated bird could no longer hear us. Then we did more presumptive bird enumeration. But nary another bird did we enumerate all day. Mercy! Plus, the gnats afflicted us mightily and there may be a gnat or two in my ears, which ears, just got cleaned out last Olwen White Track, the season. Now I may have to go in for gnat removal, an unanticipated medical expense for me, but a boon for the medical industry. I wonder if ear cleaning has already gone up in price. Mercy! Or maybe I can get some personal ear cleaning equipment on EBAY.
Yepper, those gnats are annoying. But if you are interested in various natural phenomena you can forget about the gnats and focus on the interesting natural phenomena as opposed to the gnats.
There I was, waving gnats off my ears when suddenly I espied a Hexalectris orchid. Then I espied seven more for a total of eight. Then, in the live oak, across from the orchids, I espied a tousand or maybe two tousand red admirals. I stood under the oak tree and gawked at all those red admirals as they counted Cuhulian on my cap and counted Cuhulian on the trusty Tahoe. As upward I espied at the red admirals I chanced to focus beyond. Lo and behold, a zone-tailed hawk was overhead circling about. All this took awhile and I entirely forgot about the gnats, maybe.
Largely against my will, thanks to Rayetta, I have learned that many butterflies stay up in the trees most of the time. So if we cut down all the trees, what will happen to those butterflies? According to Republican ecology, those butterflies will go somewhere else, or; Who cares!, or; It’s not my fault. I’m innocent.
Another thing I have learned from Rayetta and her butterflies is that Bothriochloa ischaemum is even worse for the environment than I previously suspected, prior to getting further wised up.
But theology is not on my mind today except the preceding little bit of theology. No, today, I need to spell about bird enumeration, which happens to be my temporary job, and the rules for bird enumeration.
Bird enumeration, as a clever person might guess, is the art or science, whichever, of counting birds. The only downside is, you have to GPS all the ones you count. Then, to get the tally, you sum up all your GPS bird locations. Given that there is electronic equipment involved, much of the joy of bird enumeration is pissed off. But hey, all jobs do that.
The rules for bird enumeration are set up to minimize the probability of enumerating the birds and to simultaneously maximize the hours the bird enumerator spends doing bird non-enumeration while on the clock. This is because the people who pay for bird enumeration almost never want any birds found. But they are generally rich and do not care how much it costs to hire a bird enumerator that will enumerate few , or better yet, no, birds. The consultants who help write the rules for bird enumeration also like rules that indicate plenty of dead ass hours, like riding in an air conditioned vehicle to and from survey sites and post survey reporting that includes the mystery known as “territory mapping”. Ooooooooooo! Territory mapping!!!!
Territory mapping occurs when the bird enumerator fancifully conjectures territories for all the birds enumerated, generally by drawing on a map with a pencil, then a Sharpie, maybe, where the bird territory is, based on best professional judgement and one or two GPS points; totally silly, but lucrative.
OK. Skipping around the rest of the satire batting around in my noggin, here’s what a serious bird enumerator might do if he really wanted to enumerate birds instead of follow silly rules.
1. Access bird enumeration sites whenever, as opposed to sunrise to 12 AM.
2. Tape as much as the bird enumerator feels is appropriate, any time, any place.
3. Never visit an area again once a bird is enumerated in that area. If a bird is there, in that area, and there is an Ashe Juniper within a thousand feet of that bird location, all that area is bird habitat. You are done in that area. Focus in on areas where birds have not been enumerated.
4. Enumerate after rain showers and from two hours before sunset to sunset, occasionally.
5. Have your ears cleaned once a year. You will be surprised by all the stuff you may have in your ears. Bugs and such, maybe.
6. Do post nesting surveys to find out about the rest of the bird’s habitat.
Yepper. Over time, the great seasonal profession, bird enumeration has ignored my rules and adopted silly rules rooted in Republican ecology. But remember, bird enumerator, these silly rules are really, guidelines.
All righty then. Based on the above, you have decided that a seasonal career as a bird enumerator is the lifestyle for you. But wait! Before you decide, let me tell you what happened to me today.
OK. There I was, out in the terrible wilderness with only the trusty Tahoe for company. Right away, I enumerated a bird. The trusty Tahoe and I moved on, further and further, until we figured the already enumerated bird could no longer hear us. Then we did more presumptive bird enumeration. But nary another bird did we enumerate all day. Mercy! Plus, the gnats afflicted us mightily and there may be a gnat or two in my ears, which ears, just got cleaned out last Olwen White Track, the season. Now I may have to go in for gnat removal, an unanticipated medical expense for me, but a boon for the medical industry. I wonder if ear cleaning has already gone up in price. Mercy! Or maybe I can get some personal ear cleaning equipment on EBAY.
Yepper, those gnats are annoying. But if you are interested in various natural phenomena you can forget about the gnats and focus on the interesting natural phenomena as opposed to the gnats.
There I was, waving gnats off my ears when suddenly I espied a Hexalectris orchid. Then I espied seven more for a total of eight. Then, in the live oak, across from the orchids, I espied a tousand or maybe two tousand red admirals. I stood under the oak tree and gawked at all those red admirals as they counted Cuhulian on my cap and counted Cuhulian on the trusty Tahoe. As upward I espied at the red admirals I chanced to focus beyond. Lo and behold, a zone-tailed hawk was overhead circling about. All this took awhile and I entirely forgot about the gnats, maybe.
Largely against my will, thanks to Rayetta, I have learned that many butterflies stay up in the trees most of the time. So if we cut down all the trees, what will happen to those butterflies? According to Republican ecology, those butterflies will go somewhere else, or; Who cares!, or; It’s not my fault. I’m innocent.
Another thing I have learned from Rayetta and her butterflies is that Bothriochloa ischaemum is even worse for the environment than I previously suspected, prior to getting further wised up.
posted by ray pistrum at Wednesday, May 02, 2007
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