Druid News Service (DNS) Newsflash - Tournament to Decide GOP Nominee
Mercy! Goodness gracious sakes alive! I’ll swan! This is Ms. Hope Remains, Ace Reporter and I have never been this excited ever, home viewers. So I just had to interrupt the regular programming. Yikes! The GOP candidates have decided to hold a golf tournament to determine which one among themselves shall be Kinglet. Apparently, Jesus convinced them that only the true Kinglet could win a golf tournament. So they all agreed to forego those dopey debates plus rigged primaries and settle the whole kit and kaboodle on the greens. How about that duffers? Only Dr. Paul is refusing to participate. Dr. Paul says it’s ridiculous. But never mind Dr. Paul. All the rest of them are shopping for new duffer duds and mashers. Even stodgy old Senator McCain has booked a tourist court in beautiful Dubai. Yepper, the tournament shall be held in beautiful Dubai for a bunch of reasons. Eek! What are the reasons? Hold it. Oh my goodness! Here’s my list of reasons, Silly me! Goodness! I thought I lost them. Here they are.
1) Dubai is near the home town of Jesus.
2) Dubai is a neutral course for all the participants.
3) Dubai is an important ally.
4) Dubai has plenty of tourist courts and can build more, fast, if required.
5) Dubai has the most construction cranes per capita of anywhere.
6) Dubai is the corporate headquarters for Halliburton, a likely tournament sponsor.
7) Dubai already has a world class golf course.
OK. Now here’s the best part. Oooooooooooweeee! I’m just fixing to pee my panties!
A global raffle shall be held to determine who gets to caddy for the candidates. Imagine that! Yikes! Whoever gets to caddy for the next Kinglet shall be instantly, everlastingly, insanely famous. Not only that, all the caddies, and there will be at least nine of them, get all expenses paid trips to beautiful Dubai where they will stay in the same tourist court as their champion candidate. How about that, all expenses paid and, you can get anything you want in beautiful Dubai. Anything!
Plus, guess what? Everybody gets to participate in the raffle. Even ladies like me can buy a ticket. Not that I will buy a raffle ticket, Druids don’t gamble, but I could if I wanted to. How about that! See how progressive the GOP is! A lady could win the raffle and caddy for a candidate at the tournament to determine the next Kinglet in beautiful Dubai. Jeez Louise! Just imagine that!
Oh my goodness! Here’s something else, especially exciting. All the money left over from the raffle, after the tournament champion and losers get their cuts, will go to charity. Yepper. What charity? Well, the money will go into a charity like trust fund for GOP businessmen who invested lots of money in beautiful Iraqi Kurdistan. That trust fund shall be there waiting for those unlucky businessmen, just in case the Turks plunder all the private property of those GOP businessmen who invested in beautiful Iraqi Kurdistan.
Listen! I am totally worn to a frazzle with all this exciting newsy news. So this is Ms. Hope Remains, Ace Reporter, signing off for the Druid News Service. Oh! Ray sugar, I’m headed home. So you better not eat up all the ice cream.
1) Dubai is near the home town of Jesus.
2) Dubai is a neutral course for all the participants.
3) Dubai is an important ally.
4) Dubai has plenty of tourist courts and can build more, fast, if required.
5) Dubai has the most construction cranes per capita of anywhere.
6) Dubai is the corporate headquarters for Halliburton, a likely tournament sponsor.
7) Dubai already has a world class golf course.
OK. Now here’s the best part. Oooooooooooweeee! I’m just fixing to pee my panties!
A global raffle shall be held to determine who gets to caddy for the candidates. Imagine that! Yikes! Whoever gets to caddy for the next Kinglet shall be instantly, everlastingly, insanely famous. Not only that, all the caddies, and there will be at least nine of them, get all expenses paid trips to beautiful Dubai where they will stay in the same tourist court as their champion candidate. How about that, all expenses paid and, you can get anything you want in beautiful Dubai. Anything!
Plus, guess what? Everybody gets to participate in the raffle. Even ladies like me can buy a ticket. Not that I will buy a raffle ticket, Druids don’t gamble, but I could if I wanted to. How about that! See how progressive the GOP is! A lady could win the raffle and caddy for a candidate at the tournament to determine the next Kinglet in beautiful Dubai. Jeez Louise! Just imagine that!
Oh my goodness! Here’s something else, especially exciting. All the money left over from the raffle, after the tournament champion and losers get their cuts, will go to charity. Yepper. What charity? Well, the money will go into a charity like trust fund for GOP businessmen who invested lots of money in beautiful Iraqi Kurdistan. That trust fund shall be there waiting for those unlucky businessmen, just in case the Turks plunder all the private property of those GOP businessmen who invested in beautiful Iraqi Kurdistan.
Listen! I am totally worn to a frazzle with all this exciting newsy news. So this is Ms. Hope Remains, Ace Reporter, signing off for the Druid News Service. Oh! Ray sugar, I’m headed home. So you better not eat up all the ice cream.
posted by ray pistrum at Wednesday, June 06, 2007
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