Stinky Valley Environmental News

A few years ago, the responsible party at Booger Center decided to replace the Eurasian weed cultivar grass situated on the football field with a synthetic “turf”. But because mercurial water that falls upon the Booger Center soon drains into semi- hallowed Barton Creek, the increase in impervious cover and assorted environmental evil doing needed to be mitigated . Therefore, the responsible party agreed to dig up a bunch of parking lot pavement and replace that pavement with this construct. This (see peekture) is the mitigation.

So far, so good. Yet recall that a bunch of nastiness from the Booger Center pavement gets washed off into this structure as the rain rarely falls. That’s ingredients like French fry grease, motor oil or flag twirler vaginal secretions. So, since this is actually Austink, the weird city, that we all work hard to keep weird, and since many of us are pseudo-environmentalists, let’s think of a way we could abrogate the mitigation by piling on to the various greases and secretions. Yes. How could we negate the intent of the mitigation and still appear, weird? Easy that, we can herbicide the Eurasian weeds, mostly shepherd’s purse and prickly sow thistle, growing up on the fence. That way the herbicide residue will wash into the sewer. Won’t that be weird?

Uh. Why not herbicide all the weeds, not just the ones growing up the fence? Well. If we herbicided all the weeds, there would be no plants left at all. A tall, a tall. That might be too weird.