The Adventures of Blodeuwedd

Seasons passed to the number of four and in the four seasons Badgemagus ellipsed round about with his swine and swine hounds and his ellipses took him further and further off, for fodder and mast were scarce and the rains came when they were not wanted and the drought came when it was not wanted and too often there was too much of the sun or too little of the sun. And Badgemagus, in addition to keeping the swine, fashioned a spear of the kind that the Cymry of those times employed for the hunting of boars. Into the fashioning of the spear went spells of the land and the little wonders that were aggrieved so that it was a spear of anger and fear and hurt.

Blodeuwedd, for Her part, was not having lotsa fun, not enjoying Herself and looking more and more like a nightmare every day, so that all avoided Her company for fear of Her countenance which was very pale and leprous and Her hair was white also and much prone to going horizontal and Her eyes were red and She was grown gaunt and taller than had previously been Her wont.

Lleu, though, was having a good time sporting about the countryside with his retinue. This is the manner in which Lleu sported about the countryside. He would send the Royal Herald off to one or another of the Cymry homesteads announcing his arrival anon, and then proceed thereto and Lleu and his retinue would guzzle up all the provender at that location and then once the bean bin was emptied out, he would move to another homestead. And from each homestead, Lleu and his retinue would range about, afflicting the little wonders for sport.

One day Lleu chanced to go a-hunting and his retinue with him and the company rode up to an ecotone where a great oak wood stood out and they began to sling at birds in the wood to test their skill at the sling. Lleu soon afflicted a cuckoo with his slinging. Then as was his wont he rode to where the cuckoo lay stricken to eye it more closely and see if it was dead. But the cuckoo, though broken, lived and spoke to Lleu, “ Surely such a one as Lleu of the Long Arm is no greater than me, for I am still here talking though thou have done thy worst, unto me.” Then Lleu rode further into the wood to test his skill again and soon afflicted a little owl. But the little owl lived and spoke to Lleu “Surely such a one as Lleu of the Long Arm is no greater than me, for I am still here talking though thou have done thy worst, unto me.” So Lleu rode still further into the wood until he was at what he reckoned was the heart of the oak wood and he slung at a wren and brought it down but the wren lived and spoke to Lleu “ Surely such a one as Lleu of the Long Arm is no greater than me, for I am still here talking though thou have done thy worst, unto me.”

The chatter of these birds did a rare thing, which was to evoke a thought in Lleu’s noggin, and the thought Lleu thought, was “I, am Lleu and in no fashion may death come unto me and this I shall prove to all, anon.” So Lleu sent out riders and charioteers in chariots throughout the land with the tale that on the morrow at high noon he would chance a mortal blow and cheat death and that such who would see this done should assemble and that he, Lleu expected a good crowd on the river bank hard upon the Castle Dinoding.

Then Lleu and his retinue departed for home and upon arriving Lleu commanded that a bath be constructed on the bank of the river. The fashion of the bath was such that a shed frame was constructed and a thatch roof over it and a bathtub set therein and a billy goat tethered nearby. The next day at high noon Lleu rode in the wheelbarrow down to the bathhouse where a good crowd was assembled. Espying the good crowd Lleu began to orate, “I, the Lion of the Steady and the Lion of the Long Arm will today demonstrate the power over death that I have lately come to think upon. All is prepared for this demonstration and I only require that one of you cast a spear, at me, when I holler out cast at me.”

Badgemagus just happened to also be one of those in the good crowd so he spoke up, “I will cast at thee King Lleu for I have a spear with me and ready to hand.”

Then Lleu had himself wheeled to the bath and deposited therein and he had a nice bath. Once all was clean, Lleu commanded that the two husky wheel barrow boys, “Help me out of the tub.” Assisted out of the tub, Lleu drew on a pair of buckskin leggings and then commanded, “Now assist me to stand one leg on that billy goat and the other leg on the rim of the tub.” That accomplished Lleu looked out upon the crowd and espied the grim visage of Badgemagus and the great boar spear that Badgemagus held ready for the casting and Lleu thought to himself, “Whoa!”

“One more preparation is wanting” orated Lleu. “There is a great shield of stone yonder that I should hold afore me to deflect the cast. So the wheel barrow boys lugged the great round shield of stone over and held it up afore Lleu and between Lleu and Badgemagus so that only Lleu’s head and buckskin leggings were visible to Badgemagus.

Then Lleu hollered out “Cast at me”.

This Badgmagus did do, cast the great boar spear at Lleu. The great boar spear flew at the great shield of stone and shore a clean round hole through the stone shield and passed through the shield and pierced Lleu and passed him through also and Lleu fell into the bathtub and made a great splash and was sincerely dead thereafter.

Up at the castle Blodeuwedd had a visitor. It was Arianrhod.

“My dear you look just awful, but never mind that. I am here to collect my little Lleu who is overdue for some down time at Caer Arianrhod. I will choose, fer ‘em. These sungods can certainly be pestiverous, can’t they. That aside, you should try to make yerself presentable. That swineherd, if I do not mistake me, is headed this way and excuse me, but yer visage could scare the stink off ‘em. Oh, lest I ferget, Lleu’s sincere demise is going to aggravate Math, and Gwydion especially, so you better keep an eye on those two. The Druidry in these parts are backslidin’ into sungoddery and we need to undertake somewhat of a revival in these parts, that or undertake a Druid er two. Sorry, Lleu was my mistake, but I will take care of that mistake for a great while starting now.” And so Arianrhod departed for the bath house to collect what was left of Lleu Llaw Guffes.

Math and especially Gwydion were aggravated at the demise of Lleu and together purposed to punish Badgemagus and restore those parts where Badgemagus and Blodeuwedd dwelt, to Math’s rule. But into the midst of those purposes came the WG, in the guise of a Great Sow, and Her name is Cerridwen. And Cerridwen reasoned with Math and especially Gwydion so that they peed in their buckskins. So for a great while there was peace and prosperity in those parts and everything and everyone, including Blodeuwedd and Badgemagus, was safe and happy.

The End, in so far as there ever is, an end.

By Nancy, the Goddess of Practical Jokes