The Inquisition

We have here assembled today at Red’s Good Vs. Evil Cowbarn (CB) a great collection of scientific minds from the American Museum of Un-Natural History (AMUNH), plus the very famous Rayetta Pistrum, known far and wide as the Lovely Druidess Rayetta, an authority on most everything, to evaluate the artifactual evidence (a rattite bone) that Mr. Crumby Ovate has offered up as evidence that he, Mr. Crumby Ovate, is a descendant of that same Jesus of Nazareth the Christians put forward as a (the) sungod. So to begin. Let’s first go around to each of the assembled famous scientists so that each may brag a bit about all their accomplishments, past, present and future.

No way dude.

What’s that Mr. Ovate?

No way. I got a busy schedule and I’m not a-gonna sit here and listen to all that.

Mr. Ovate, it is customary to begin all meetings with introductory biographies of all the famous participants.

I don’t care. Red, tell em Druids don’t do it that a-way.

Er, yer correct Crumby. Honored famous chairman of the assembled scientists. Druids have busy schedules so ye can ferget that part, and proceed ahead on to the next eventuality.

Ahem. Well we do not want to upset local customs so let’s see, what’s next? Ahem.

Chairperson, make Crumby fetch in his bone.

Ahem. Good idea Rayetta. Let’s have a look at your rattite bone, Mr. Ovate.

Ha! Well I’ll tell you a little secret then about that particular rattite bone, Honorable Chairperson. It has disappeared, miraculously, just as it appeared, miraculously.

No it hasn’t, Crumby. Goodness gracious. Ray and I found it this morning. Ray said to me, Hope, why is Lulu digging furiously in the south fenceline compost pile? And I replied, oh my goodness, whatever is that little dog digging up? Therefore, the twain of us, both Ray and myself, traversed to the south fenceline compost pile, and indeed, there was Crumby’s rattite bone partially exposed, as indicated by the furious digging of the terrier Lulu. So we have fetched it forth, knowing full-well it’s importance to you Crumby and to all those here assembled.

Uh oh.

What’s that Mr. Ovate?

Nothing your honor.

Ms. Hope Remains, could you please bring that bone over here so we scientists may inspect it.

Certainly, your honor.
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The famous scientists take their time inspecting the bone. Many measurements are taken and much clicking of caliper on bone transpires. And the LDR is very helpful, pointing out this and that about the bone to the assembled scientists.

Ahem. Mr. Ovate! It is our general agreement that this particular rattite bone once belonged to an emu, the thigh of an emu specifically. Can you explain how Jesus might have acquired the thighbone of an emu?

Yepper yer honor. Easy that. A great host was assembled and all of em were hungry
as pigs. So Jesus says, “How would yall like some fried chicken?” And all of em in the great host hollered back at Jesus, “Yepper, fried chicken is delicious. We’d all like some fried chicken.” Then Jesus speculated that a chicken might not do for the many in the assembled great host, but an emu er two might feed all of em, so he conjured up a fried emu er two and everyone there had a swell supper.

Mr. Ovate, are you aware that the emu inhabits Australia, not Israel? Further, the rattite that Jesus might have more likely substituted for a chicken, is the ostrich. Why do you think Jesus would conjure up emus, rather than ostriches to feed the hungry host?

Er, easy that. Jesus was in Australia spreading the good news to the heathen Australians. This happened when Jesus was a boy and nobody recollects where he went, but he went to Australia to hep feed the heathen Australians and save their heathen souls.
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The assembled scientists, astonished by Crumby’s revelation pertaining to the boyhood of Jesus, consult among themselves. Finally, after much deliberation, the Chairman inquires, “Mr. Ovate, do you have artifactual evidence that the boy Jesus visited Australia?”

Noper, I don't. But ye do. Ye have my rattite bone. And I want it back when yer finished with it.
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Thus it would appear that Crumby has triumphed over the forces of logic and fact arrayed against him. But wait.
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Oh Crumbe-eey. I, the LDR have a direct question - for you. Now remember Crumby. Druids must answer direct questions truthfully. So I request that you swear by the WG that you will answer truly to my question.

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Yikes! What will Crumby do now? Rayetta has him like a trapped rat. Goodness gracious!
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Why certainly Rayetta. I will most happily answer any question of that nature put to me, truly. But first, and curiously, I just happen to have made a spore print from a gill mushroom that some in these parts spell “pink bottoms”. And Jesus tells me that the spore print left by this mushroom looks exactly like his mother. Would anyone like to see?