Ray's Thought for the Day - Ray and Olwen 12
“So first cousin Ray. Now that we have defaced that hateful visage somewhat, let’s go back to my orifice and you can tell me what boon you would like me to grant. For never have I seen a young man more deserving of a boon or two.” So the first cousins, that is both the Kinglet and Ray promenaded back to the orifice. “Pull up that chair Ray, and inform your Kinglet what he can do you for.”
“It’s like this Kinglet, my new mommy foretold that I caint have sexual intercourse, ever, until I have sexual intercourse first with Olwen, daughter of Upyeraholes, Chief Justice. So my daddy says that you could hep me in my quest to have sexual intercourse with Olwen because you are my first cousin as well as the Kinglet, most powerful and best situated in all the land.”
“Heh, heh, - heh, heh. But Upyeraholes, Chief Justice is a big bad giant. Heh, heh. He lives in a terrible big castle far away. Why do you reckon your new mommy foretold such a quest? There’s plenty other girls easier than Upyerahole’s daughter. Why I have two very nice daughters myself that would be far easier pickings for such a one as yourself Ray, with all your obvious accouterments and talents. Why you could try them both out and see which one you liked best.”
“No great Kinglet, my new mommy specifically said that Olwen was the one, fer me, and indeed I am obsessed with thoughts of Olwen and a general longing for Olwen, daughter of Upyeraholes. None other but Olwen will serve, though I am only three and will require an epiphany or two before I am ready to have sexual intercourse with her. And I don’t recollect why my new mommy designated Olwen, fer me. There’s no accounting, fer it. So in the names of all your minions I, Ray, invoke this boon, to whit, that you will hep deliver to me Olwen, so that I may have sexual intercourse with her. This boon I invoke in the name of Chitlin of the Many Secret Locations who is also a mighty hunter of small birds, and Tom the ‘Bezzler, much feared by vermin and varmints up to the size of rats, and beloved of those Christians who wish to be parted from their money, and Slezza who knows all the nicest places to shop and looks fairly smart even in foreign parts, and Hughes the Honey Tongued, gate cow, and Myers the Pocket Lawyer, that confused the mighty with her strange spells, and Rumpler that wears undears upon his head, and Rover the Clever, that always gets away with the silverware, and Frist the White Collar, video doctor, and Dennis the Fat who wears his belt buckle parallel to the ground, and McCain that Rover says is a Race Mixer that is not much good at sucking up, but tries hard anyway, and Joe the Senator from Tel Aviv, and Jack of the many photo ops, and Bird Flu Chertoff who escaped the great flood, and Ms. Spellings of the Public Schools , and the Kinglets First Lady whose simpering reverberates throughout the land, and Brownie the Great who betrayed the Kinglet and ....”
“Heh, heh. Ray. Heh, heh. That’s enough. I will grant your boon and help as much as I can and all my minions shall help as I commandeer them. All righty then?”
“All righty then, Kinglet. Whom of these yer minions will then go with me upon my quest and hep me?”
“These will I send, Ray, for they do not fear justice, great or small. Chitlin will I send if he can be found, and Rumpler, and Sleeza. Rover I can not spare, but him too will I send should your quest take a turn for the worse and his mysterious talents be required.“
The next day the Kinglet announced a meeting and Chitlin, Rumpler and Sleeza were told that they would get duties as assigned at the meeting and Rover was told to come to the meeting also. But the meeting was delayed awhile because Chitlin could not be found, but finally Rover rounded him up and the Kinglet told all of his minions about Ray and Ray’s quest and that they were supposed to help Ray achieve his quest. None of the minions wanted to help, but the Kinglet said he didn’t care if they wanted to help or not. “You minions all have to help Ray and that’s that”.
That very afternoon they all set off. The manner of their setting off was, Ray said, “Y’all can ride with me.” But Chitlin and Rumpler and Sleeza all began to whine in unison when they heard Ray’s proffered offer and each said that they just must have a great vehicle to ride in separately and to haul all the equipment each would require for the quest and also a minion to drive the vehicle and a gun thug or two each in their vehicles and in separate vehicles also so that none might hinder them upon the quest.
“All righty then,” agreed Ray, for Ray was focused in on the quest and hot to get going upon the quest and didn’t want to argue. So anon a great fleet of those vehicles known as limousines was assembled on the palace lawn in a long row of limousines parked in a line behind the Crown Vic. And lo, a multitude of minions appeared and these same minions loaded this and that equipment into the limousines while a multitude of minions stood guard over the vehicles and Chitlin, and Rumpler and Sleeza officiated over the loading up of their own separate vehicles. All this took awhile for there was much to load up and a confusion of bickering and hurt feelings and chastisements of the lowliest minions.
But eventually all was made ready and the Kinglet came out from the palace upon the lawn and spoke to the host that was to depart behind Ray and help Ray. “Ya’ll need to help Ray in his quest to have sexual intercourse with Olwen, daughter of Upyeraholes, Chief Justice. Heh, heh. And don’t come back here until you have persecuted this quest to its ultimatum happy ending. And to Ray, the Kinglet opined, “Be good, heh, heh, or if you can’t be good, heh,heh. Be careful, heh, heh.”
Then the Kinglet at last signaled that the Crown Vic and the great fleet lined up on the lawn behind the Crown Vic was to depart and there was a great roar of vehicles starting up and they were all to depart out the gate, but two of the limousines wouldn’t start so then they had to substitute limousines for those two recalcitrant limousines that wouldn’t start and re-pack everything up amidst recriminations, bickering, hurt feelings and chastisements of the lowliest minions.
But eventually all was made ready again and the Kinglet waved the fleet out the gate, but by then it was very late in the afternoon. Ray, leading out in the Crown Vic was provided with a walkie-talkie so he could talk with those in his rear view mirror and also they in the rear view mirror could talk at Ray. So anon there was much discussion of how late it was getting and how hungry Chitlin was, and Sleeza needed to change outfits, and Rumpler was car sick. So Ray, though much aggravated by the whining and pokiness of his host and the intermittent progress did at last give way and all the great fleet of limousines fetched up at a tourist court on the edge of town that had a hamburger restaurant next door. At the tourist court on the edge of town the night was spent, but Ray, slept only fitfully and found but scanty comfort in himself. But the onion rings were, delicious.
“It’s like this Kinglet, my new mommy foretold that I caint have sexual intercourse, ever, until I have sexual intercourse first with Olwen, daughter of Upyeraholes, Chief Justice. So my daddy says that you could hep me in my quest to have sexual intercourse with Olwen because you are my first cousin as well as the Kinglet, most powerful and best situated in all the land.”
“Heh, heh, - heh, heh. But Upyeraholes, Chief Justice is a big bad giant. Heh, heh. He lives in a terrible big castle far away. Why do you reckon your new mommy foretold such a quest? There’s plenty other girls easier than Upyerahole’s daughter. Why I have two very nice daughters myself that would be far easier pickings for such a one as yourself Ray, with all your obvious accouterments and talents. Why you could try them both out and see which one you liked best.”
“No great Kinglet, my new mommy specifically said that Olwen was the one, fer me, and indeed I am obsessed with thoughts of Olwen and a general longing for Olwen, daughter of Upyeraholes. None other but Olwen will serve, though I am only three and will require an epiphany or two before I am ready to have sexual intercourse with her. And I don’t recollect why my new mommy designated Olwen, fer me. There’s no accounting, fer it. So in the names of all your minions I, Ray, invoke this boon, to whit, that you will hep deliver to me Olwen, so that I may have sexual intercourse with her. This boon I invoke in the name of Chitlin of the Many Secret Locations who is also a mighty hunter of small birds, and Tom the ‘Bezzler, much feared by vermin and varmints up to the size of rats, and beloved of those Christians who wish to be parted from their money, and Slezza who knows all the nicest places to shop and looks fairly smart even in foreign parts, and Hughes the Honey Tongued, gate cow, and Myers the Pocket Lawyer, that confused the mighty with her strange spells, and Rumpler that wears undears upon his head, and Rover the Clever, that always gets away with the silverware, and Frist the White Collar, video doctor, and Dennis the Fat who wears his belt buckle parallel to the ground, and McCain that Rover says is a Race Mixer that is not much good at sucking up, but tries hard anyway, and Joe the Senator from Tel Aviv, and Jack of the many photo ops, and Bird Flu Chertoff who escaped the great flood, and Ms. Spellings of the Public Schools , and the Kinglets First Lady whose simpering reverberates throughout the land, and Brownie the Great who betrayed the Kinglet and ....”
“Heh, heh. Ray. Heh, heh. That’s enough. I will grant your boon and help as much as I can and all my minions shall help as I commandeer them. All righty then?”
“All righty then, Kinglet. Whom of these yer minions will then go with me upon my quest and hep me?”
“These will I send, Ray, for they do not fear justice, great or small. Chitlin will I send if he can be found, and Rumpler, and Sleeza. Rover I can not spare, but him too will I send should your quest take a turn for the worse and his mysterious talents be required.“
The next day the Kinglet announced a meeting and Chitlin, Rumpler and Sleeza were told that they would get duties as assigned at the meeting and Rover was told to come to the meeting also. But the meeting was delayed awhile because Chitlin could not be found, but finally Rover rounded him up and the Kinglet told all of his minions about Ray and Ray’s quest and that they were supposed to help Ray achieve his quest. None of the minions wanted to help, but the Kinglet said he didn’t care if they wanted to help or not. “You minions all have to help Ray and that’s that”.
That very afternoon they all set off. The manner of their setting off was, Ray said, “Y’all can ride with me.” But Chitlin and Rumpler and Sleeza all began to whine in unison when they heard Ray’s proffered offer and each said that they just must have a great vehicle to ride in separately and to haul all the equipment each would require for the quest and also a minion to drive the vehicle and a gun thug or two each in their vehicles and in separate vehicles also so that none might hinder them upon the quest.
“All righty then,” agreed Ray, for Ray was focused in on the quest and hot to get going upon the quest and didn’t want to argue. So anon a great fleet of those vehicles known as limousines was assembled on the palace lawn in a long row of limousines parked in a line behind the Crown Vic. And lo, a multitude of minions appeared and these same minions loaded this and that equipment into the limousines while a multitude of minions stood guard over the vehicles and Chitlin, and Rumpler and Sleeza officiated over the loading up of their own separate vehicles. All this took awhile for there was much to load up and a confusion of bickering and hurt feelings and chastisements of the lowliest minions.
But eventually all was made ready and the Kinglet came out from the palace upon the lawn and spoke to the host that was to depart behind Ray and help Ray. “Ya’ll need to help Ray in his quest to have sexual intercourse with Olwen, daughter of Upyeraholes, Chief Justice. Heh, heh. And don’t come back here until you have persecuted this quest to its ultimatum happy ending. And to Ray, the Kinglet opined, “Be good, heh, heh, or if you can’t be good, heh,heh. Be careful, heh, heh.”
Then the Kinglet at last signaled that the Crown Vic and the great fleet lined up on the lawn behind the Crown Vic was to depart and there was a great roar of vehicles starting up and they were all to depart out the gate, but two of the limousines wouldn’t start so then they had to substitute limousines for those two recalcitrant limousines that wouldn’t start and re-pack everything up amidst recriminations, bickering, hurt feelings and chastisements of the lowliest minions.
But eventually all was made ready again and the Kinglet waved the fleet out the gate, but by then it was very late in the afternoon. Ray, leading out in the Crown Vic was provided with a walkie-talkie so he could talk with those in his rear view mirror and also they in the rear view mirror could talk at Ray. So anon there was much discussion of how late it was getting and how hungry Chitlin was, and Sleeza needed to change outfits, and Rumpler was car sick. So Ray, though much aggravated by the whining and pokiness of his host and the intermittent progress did at last give way and all the great fleet of limousines fetched up at a tourist court on the edge of town that had a hamburger restaurant next door. At the tourist court on the edge of town the night was spent, but Ray, slept only fitfully and found but scanty comfort in himself. But the onion rings were, delicious.
posted by ray pistrum at Thursday, March 30, 2006
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