Crumby's Telescope Tomfoolery Notes - Help Me, Hose Anna

Hoses, are an essential element of happy Telescope Tomfoolery. For without the hoses to irrigate the area between the barns where the telescopery is set up, all the grass in that part would dry up and refuse to grow. Then, gradually, it would get trampled to death. Then, it would disappear entirely, leaving nought but bare ground, and that area would soon become too dusty for Telescope Tomfoolery.

The hoses used for irrigation at the CB are old, feeble, taped and clamped. New leaks spring forth as soon as I turn my back, and then when I turn around really fast the new leak squirts me in the face and gets my spectacles all wet. So I am aggravated with all these old feeble hoses. But not aggravated enough to submit all the paperwork to Rayetta and then wait around forever to get Red's Okie Dokie for the purchase of new hoses from a reliable hose vendor. Noper, I have another option, Hose Anna.

Hose Anna knows everything there is to know about hoses. Plus, she's a semi-licensed hypnotist. Hose Anna is fixing to hypnotize me, the Crumby Ovate, so that my subconcious attitudes toward and many memories of, hoses, shall be exposed. maybe. Once all the subconcious hose data stored in my noggin is out in the open, I will be able to filter through it(the subconcious data)and find the best methodology for fixing the hoses.

Crumby, I haven't got all night. Are you ready to be hypnotized?

Yepper, I am ready at last, Hose Anna.

Good. Then relax Crumby Ovate. Are you relaxed, Crumby?

Yepper, I am quite relaxed Hose Anna, and ready for a hypnotic trance or state, whichever.

All righty then Crumby, now I am fixing to move a mistletoe sprig before your eyes back and forth in a rhythmic fashion. Follow the mistletoe sprig with your eyes, Crumby. Don't take you eyes off the mistletoe sprig. Back and forth goes the mistletoe sprig, back and forth it goes, back and forth. The Crumby Ovate is getting sleepy, very sleepy, back and forth, very sleepy, back and forth, very sleepy, sleepy Crumby. Hmmmm. Now listen carefully Crumby. I am going to ask you some questions to determine whether you are actually asleep, or playing possum. Do you understand, Crumby?

Yep-per.

Hmmm. That was surprisingly easy. Crumby seems highly susceptible to hypnosis. All righty then Crumby, what is your earliest memory of a hose? Go back Crumby, back into the stygian depths of time and space and fetch forth that earliest memory of a hose.

Re-viv-al! Where's my good puppy dog? Whoa! Revival, stop wrappin' yerself up in that hose. Yikes! He's stranglin' hisself! Hep, hep me, my puppy dog, Revival is stranglin' hisself with the hose!

Goodness! All righty then Crumby, calm down. Let's skip that one. What's your next hose memory?

Dern it, these dern things have screws! I'll have to get the 36" pipe wrench fer this un and give it a good crank er two. Oops! Dang it! Whut am I gonna do now?

Hmmm. Crumby, do you have a lot of hostility toward hoses, and ah, screws?

Hos-til-i-ty! Hate-tred! Yes! Crumby hates them, hates them all! They like to killed my puppy dog, poor old Revival.

Hmmm. Crumby, I want you to skip forward now, through the stygian darkness of time and space and search your Druid Training memories. What did you learn about hoses and screws in Druid Training?

Er. Shoot. I don't recollect those particular lessons. But I do remember from somewhere that a screw is merely an inclined plane spiraling on a central axis.

How does that make you feel about screws, Crumby?

That we could be friends after all, maybe. Just like me and the other simple machines are friends, maybe.

There now Crumby. Do you think maybe now, knowing that the screws are mere simple machines, and friendly maybe, that you will be gentle with them and not torque them up so much that you strip their poor little inclined planes all to bejesus and twist their poor little heads off?

Yep-per. May-be.

Good. Now let's see, Crumby. Your main complaint against the hoses, attempted puppy murdering aside, is that they are old and feeble. Is that correct, Crumby?

Yep-per.

Yet, you do not wish to replace the hoses because you also hate doing the paper work necessary to the requisitioning of new hoses?

Yep-per.

So your only alternative is to fix the old and feeble hoses?

Yep-per.

Tell me Crumby, what is the most aggravating symptom of the old and feeble hoses?

Ea-sy that, leaks.

Now Crumby, search your memory thoroughly. Have you ever, in your experience, experienced a situation in which the movement of a fluid into or out of a vessel must be directionally constrained, or forbidden absolutely, no matter what. And if that fluid was not so constrained or forbidden, peril to life, limb or personal finances might result.

Er. Wait a minute. Something's coming, something's coming, er, something's coming. Yes. I see me now. Crouched in the mud. I'm hunkered over a long metal cylinder. What, oh what, am I doing?

Think Crumby, think. What does the metal cylinder mean?

Whoa! It's a gun tube. I'm taping up a blasting cap for a gun tube. Hark! That's it! May I wake up now, Hose Anna?

Do you have a solution for your hose leaks, Crumby?

Yep-per.

All righty then, on the count of four, open your eyes, Crumby Ovate.