Druid News Service (DNS) Newsflash!!!! The Boy Giant Goliath Escapes Reformatory!!!!

Merciful heavens! The boy giant Goliath, child Philistine, who has been safely held prisoner behind bars for approximately 5000 years at the Bad Boy’s Reformatory in Bokchito, Oklahoma, has finally escaped. Mercy!

Hello everyone. I’m Ms. Hope Remains, ace reporter for the DNS. At considerable risk to my person, I have journeyed to a westerly portion of heavily wooded southeastern Oklahoma where, yes, the boy giant Goliath, has escaped captivity and is now believed to be crouching in the woods somewhere nearby. With me is Corporal Cleetus Pistubby of the Oklahoma Highway Patrol. Corporal Pistubby, can you explain to the viewers how Goliath managed to escape after all these years in captivity?

Yepper, maybe.

Some time elapses, known as dead air time, while Corporal Pistubby smiles vacantly into the camera. However, Ms. Hope Remains, Ace Report for the DNS is on top of the situation.

Ahem. Well?

What?

How did the boy giant Goliath escape for Goddess Sakes?

Well now Missy, apparently, he ate the guards.

Oh My Goodness Gracious Sakes Alive! Did everyone hear what Corporal Pistubby just said. Apparently Goliath ate the guards. Mercy! So this giant boy, in addition to being giant, is also a cannibal. Mercy! Corporal Pistubby, what else horrible, did Goliath do?

Er. Can I spell whut else he done on TV, Missy?

Hmmm. Whisper to me first. Everyone at home, Corporal Pistubby is going to whisper to me, Ms. Hope Remains, Ace Reporter for the DNS, about what additional horrific acts Goliath perpetrated when he escaped.

Whisper, whisper, whisper.

Hmmm. Yep. We can present that on TV. Go ahead and tell everyone what you just whispered to me, Corporal Pistubby.

Are you sure it’s all righty then to say that on TV?

Yep. Go on. Tell them for Goddess Sakes.

All righty then, Missy. My cousin, the forensic expert in these parts, told me that the excreted remains of the guards showed signs of having been raped and sodomized, repeatedly, over and over again.

Yikes! How about that TV audience! Not only is the giant Goliath giant, and a guard murderer. He’s a guard raper and sodomite, too. Corporal Pistubby can you explain to the TV audience again just what the forensic evidence indicated?

Yepper, Missy. The excreted remains of the guards showed signs of having been raped and sodomized a great many times.

Corporal Pistubby, what exactly do you mean when you say, “a great many times?”

Er. More than once, maybe.

Goodness! Raped and sodomized more than once! Now Corporal Pistubby, how long has Goliath been on the loose and do you think he is still nearby, crouching out there in the dense woods somewhere really close by, fixing to rape, sodomize and eat another innocent victim? Oh, oh! Before you answer that, first let me ask you Corporal Pistubby, did Goliath cook the guards before he ate them?

Noper missy, Goliath apparently ate the unfortunate victims raw.

Mercy! Goodness! Then in your opinion, Corporal Pistubby, could the boy giant Goliath now have all the intelligence of his many victims crammed into his great noggin? Or could the boy giant Goliath now be afflicted by worms, from his bad habit of eating raw meat? Or could the boy giant Goliath, be merely the sad product of an abusive and Philistine home environment?

Er. Excuse me missy. My phone may be ringing over in Tishamingo. I need to go answer the phone.

All righty then. Corporal Pistubby has to go to Tishamingo and answer an important phone call concerning whether or not the boy giant Goliath, having suddenly escaped 5000 years of the most harsh and inhumane captivity imaginable, and after eating his way to freedom, has retained his scouting skills and can survive, crouched in those dense woods nearby. Stay tuned, because after the commercial break we will discuss whether or not the boy giant Goliath could potentially make me, Ms. Hope Remains, Ace Reporter for the DNS, his next victim. Goodness!