The Druid News Service (DNS) Another Newsy News Feature on US Culture Today - Does Sodomy Define the Homeland?
Hi there boys and regular people. Yep. This is Ms. Hope Remains, Ace Reporter for the DNS, with yet another intermittent newsy news feature on US Homeland Culture. Goodness gracious sakes alive! Today we have a very special topic to discuss, and you, the home audience can watch it all from the comfort and safety of your own homes. How about that!!!!
Today, we have a whole panel of special guests to discuss the interesting cultural question, Does Sodomy Define the Homeland? Come on over special guests and find a seat on the nice Lazy Boy reclining sofa for special guests.
The special guests file in and assemble themselves on the reclining Lazy Boy sofa, divan, or couch whatever.
Special guests, that Lazy Boy has controls for each of you, so that each of you may tilt your portion of the couch to a personally comfortable declination. Crumby, your control device is the lever between you and Rayetta. All righty then. Are we all comfy and ready to begin? Yepper. Then let me introduce you, today’s special guests to the Homeland home audience.
First, on the left, is Dr. Rayetta Pistrum, known far and wide as the Lovely Druidess Rayetta. Dr. Pistrum has a Ph. D. in Animal Husbandry and has published a great many learned tomes on the behaviors, attitudes and dietary preferences of our ungulate friends, both wild and domestic. Next, in the middle, is Mr. Crumby Ovate. Mr. Ovate has spent many decades studying patterns and recently matriculated to full Ovate status. As a former wicked Christian, narrowly saved from all that by the Blessed White Goddess, Mr. Ovate brings special expertise on sodomy to the panel. Last but not least, on the right is Mr. Ray Pistrum. Ray is my boyfriend. Uh. Let’s see. Oh my goodness! Ray is Dr. Pistrum’s brother, too, and the bosom companion of the Crumby Ovate. Mr. Pistrum is also an author of diverse thoughts and a Sun God Trainee. How about that!!!!
Ms Remains: Okie Dokie. Let’s begin. Mr. Ovate, can you explain to the home audience, in your own words, why sodomy has apparently come to define the Homeland?
Mr. Ovate: Thank you Ms. Remains. But the Homeland sodomy story is a long story. Nevertheless, I shall condense the long story down to a nugget or kernel, whichever. Sodomy is defined as various unnatural acts involving human organs and tissues coming into contact with each other for non-reproductive purposes. For sodomy to take place the organs and tissues need to belong to at least two human individuals, each involved with the other ones organs and tissues in a non-reproductive capacity.
Ms. Remains: Excuse me Crumby, but I can tell from the fidgeting on the sofa to your right that Mr. Pistrum has a question or comment. Mr. Pistrum.
Mr. Pistrum: Yes, I do. Mr. Ovate, according to your definition, I can’t sodomize myself. Is that what you’re stating?
Mr. Ovate: Er, yes. Probably you can’t sodomize yourself, maybe. At least according to the definition you got to have a partner.
Ms Remains: I better not catch you sodomizing yourself, Ray!
Mr. Pistum: My question was merely theoretical, Ms. Remains, and meant for clarification only. So those viewing at home will know that they can’t sodomize themselves, by definition.
Ms. Remains: All righty then. Goodness, I have always wondered if animals do sodomy, yet by definition, only people do sodomy. Dr. Pistrum, what about ungulates do the ungulates do sodomy?
Dr. Pistrum: Hmmm. Not by definition. However, the ungulates do, on occasion, perform coupled antics or even group antics that may or may not lead immediately to the procreative act. These behaviors are collectively referred to as ungulations. Ungulation may be a convergent pattern of behavior, similar to sodomy, but occurring exclusively among the bovines, the antelopes and even the genus Bison of the Artiodactyla.
Mr. Ovate: Say Dr. Pistrum, have any species gone extinct due to too much ungulation?
Dr. Pistrum: There is no scientific evidence of that occurring. All the extant ungulate species seem to perpetuate themselves adequately, so that they may persist in nature, despite occasional ungulations. Mostly they have to watch out for predators, periodic herbage shortages and habitat loss to keep from going extinct. And of course, now we can artificially inseminate them ourselves. So the domestic ones, and the ones that live in zoological gardens, at any rate, have the benefits of artificial insemination, and ungulation isn’t a problem for them in terms of species survival.
Mr. Ovate: That’s good to know, Dr. Pistrum. But getting back to the condensed story of Homeland sodomy
Ms. Remains: Mr. Ovate, we need to go to commercial so hold that Homeland sodomy story and we’ll continue with it right after this important and interesting commercial message.
The commercial message: Hi there girls, especially you old ample girls. My assistants, Carl and Mary the Virgin are holding up a full-size color placard featuring me, Nancy, the Goddess of Practical Jokes. The color placard indicates the sad state of my naked bosoms a month ago, prior to once weekly applications of Nancy’s Bosom Lifter and Toner Anointment Ointment. Now, if I can get this smock off, there now, you can see the improvement after just four applications. My ample bosoms are perfect. And I’m 206 years old. Mary, show the home audience my birth certificate. There now, that birth certificate is dated, October 31, 1770. I’m living proof of what Nancy’ Bosom Lifter and Toner Anointment Ointment can do for your bosoms. So don’t wait until you’re vertical or nearly so. Send in your order now, today, and you’ll get a five gallon bucket of Nancy’s Bosom Lifter and Toner. Plus, you’ll get to keep the bucket. The five-gallon bucket is free!
This is one time cash only offer. So send two grand in whatever denominations to Nancy, c/o The Joke Factory, College Station, Texas and your bosoms will soon look just as good as mine, perfect. Whoa! Just espy my bosoms!!!! Perfect!!!!
_____
We now return to our regularly scheduled program.
_____
Ms. Remains: Goodness! That commercial break was interesting! Land sakes! Where were we?
Mr. Ovate: Er. I was fixing to continue my condensed history of Homeland sodomy, maybe, Ms. Remains.
Ms. Remains: Yep. That’s right. You were fixing to do just that. Goodness. Rayetta, would you care to go in on a bucket of Nancy’s Anointment Ointment with me. Prevention is half the cure.
Mr. Pistrum: I’ll get ye a whole bucket if ye want it, sugar.
Ms. Remains: Shut up Ray. I wasn’t asking you. Mercy. Never mind all that, anyway. OK. Mr. Ovate. Please continue.
Mr. Ovate: All righty then. There are two main branches of the Mammonite Christians that focused the Homeland’s attention span on sodomy. Those two main branches are the dispensationalites and the dominionites.
Dr. Pistrum: You’re making them up Crumby.
Mr. Ovate: No, no, no. I’m not Rayetta. Goddess Truth. I’m not making them up.
Dr. Pistrum: Crumby, look me in the eye.
Mr. Ovate: OK, OK, OK, I changed the ends of the names to make them sound more Biblical. So they actually call themselves dispensationalists and dominionists.
Dr. Pistrum: There that’s better. You’re on TV Crumby, and you shouldn’t exaggerate on TV.
Mr. Ovate: That’s correct, Rayetta, I shouldn’t exaggerate, even to enhance the drama and excitement. Anyway, the dispensationlists teach that this world is coming to its end anon, for the one god has dispensed that knowledge to them via a revelation. Moreover, the end could be pretty soon, as well as anon, because the signs of impending doom are getting dispensed right and left, more and more, and one of those signs is the widespread increase in sodomy.
The dominionists, on the other hand, teach that a nice place has to be prepared for Jesus before the end can come about, anon, and that place that has to be prepared for Jesus, is the Homeland, and we can’t have a bunch of sodomy going on in the Homeland when Jesus gets ready to come on down because all the sodomy might put him off his feed and he’s liable to go somewhere else, or stay up in heaven.
Thus the Mammonites are split over the important issue of sodomy. The dispensationalists want more signs of sodomy to bolster their prognostications. The dominionists want less apparent sodomy, in the Homeland, so Jesus will be happy to stay here. Right now, it appears that the dispensationalists are having the better of it, because they’re getting lots of new sodomy signs.
The dominionists, on the other hand, control the Homeland Congress. Plus, the Kinglet is a dominionist. Being a dominionist is hard work. A dominionist, like the Kinglet, may seem pokey sometimes. That’s about it, a kernel or nugget of why sodomy has come to define the Homeland.
Dr. Pistrum: Crumby, if you made all this up, you are going to catch hell when we get back to the Cow Barn.
Mr. Ovate: No, no, no, Rayetta. It’s all true. If I’m lying, the Wicker Man can have me.
Dr. Pistrum: Hmmm.
Mr. Pistrum: Mr. Ovate. Why do you say the Kinglet sometimes appears pokey? And could you hurry up and answer expeditiously cause my stomachs growling.
Mr. Ovate: OK. Anytime anything happens to the Kinglet, that happening is unprecedented and biblical in proportion. So the Kinglet first has to consider what he can do with the happening to make it more acceptable to Jesus. Then he has to ask the one god to tell him what to do. Then whatever that is, he has to stick to that godly opinion. That’s why during an emergency the Kinglet seems to be just sitting around thinking and his response seems pokey. He’s got to ask the one god about how Jesus would like to see the Homeland to be fixed up.
Dr. Pistrum: So Crumby, how come so many of the Mammonites are liars and gluttons. Answer that one Mr. Smarty Pants? If they’re fixing up the Homeland for Jesus, why are they making such a big mess?
Mr. Ovate: Easy that Rayetta. They believe the world is ending, maybe, so that sad possibility gives them leave to run amuck. They think everyone who is free of sodomy, or asks forgiveness for sodomy, will get raptured on up, or get to prance around in New Jerusalem selling real estate. Once Jesus comes on back, they’ll all be rich beyond their wildest dreams, maybe. Then too, a bunch of the Mammonites don’t believe any of this stuff. They just say they believe it. Those Mammonites that don’t believe in any of this malarkey are just in it for the money.
Ms. Remains: Goodness gracious sakes alive. We’re all out of time. Thanks to our special guests today for getting to the bottom of Homeland sodomy. Apparently, sodomy does define the Homeland. This is Ms. Hope Remains, Ace Reporter, bidding you in the Homeland home audience, adieu. Watch out for the Wicker Man!!!! Now where’s Nancy’s address?
Today, we have a whole panel of special guests to discuss the interesting cultural question, Does Sodomy Define the Homeland? Come on over special guests and find a seat on the nice Lazy Boy reclining sofa for special guests.
The special guests file in and assemble themselves on the reclining Lazy Boy sofa, divan, or couch whatever.
Special guests, that Lazy Boy has controls for each of you, so that each of you may tilt your portion of the couch to a personally comfortable declination. Crumby, your control device is the lever between you and Rayetta. All righty then. Are we all comfy and ready to begin? Yepper. Then let me introduce you, today’s special guests to the Homeland home audience.
First, on the left, is Dr. Rayetta Pistrum, known far and wide as the Lovely Druidess Rayetta. Dr. Pistrum has a Ph. D. in Animal Husbandry and has published a great many learned tomes on the behaviors, attitudes and dietary preferences of our ungulate friends, both wild and domestic. Next, in the middle, is Mr. Crumby Ovate. Mr. Ovate has spent many decades studying patterns and recently matriculated to full Ovate status. As a former wicked Christian, narrowly saved from all that by the Blessed White Goddess, Mr. Ovate brings special expertise on sodomy to the panel. Last but not least, on the right is Mr. Ray Pistrum. Ray is my boyfriend. Uh. Let’s see. Oh my goodness! Ray is Dr. Pistrum’s brother, too, and the bosom companion of the Crumby Ovate. Mr. Pistrum is also an author of diverse thoughts and a Sun God Trainee. How about that!!!!
Ms Remains: Okie Dokie. Let’s begin. Mr. Ovate, can you explain to the home audience, in your own words, why sodomy has apparently come to define the Homeland?
Mr. Ovate: Thank you Ms. Remains. But the Homeland sodomy story is a long story. Nevertheless, I shall condense the long story down to a nugget or kernel, whichever. Sodomy is defined as various unnatural acts involving human organs and tissues coming into contact with each other for non-reproductive purposes. For sodomy to take place the organs and tissues need to belong to at least two human individuals, each involved with the other ones organs and tissues in a non-reproductive capacity.
Ms. Remains: Excuse me Crumby, but I can tell from the fidgeting on the sofa to your right that Mr. Pistrum has a question or comment. Mr. Pistrum.
Mr. Pistrum: Yes, I do. Mr. Ovate, according to your definition, I can’t sodomize myself. Is that what you’re stating?
Mr. Ovate: Er, yes. Probably you can’t sodomize yourself, maybe. At least according to the definition you got to have a partner.
Ms Remains: I better not catch you sodomizing yourself, Ray!
Mr. Pistum: My question was merely theoretical, Ms. Remains, and meant for clarification only. So those viewing at home will know that they can’t sodomize themselves, by definition.
Ms. Remains: All righty then. Goodness, I have always wondered if animals do sodomy, yet by definition, only people do sodomy. Dr. Pistrum, what about ungulates do the ungulates do sodomy?
Dr. Pistrum: Hmmm. Not by definition. However, the ungulates do, on occasion, perform coupled antics or even group antics that may or may not lead immediately to the procreative act. These behaviors are collectively referred to as ungulations. Ungulation may be a convergent pattern of behavior, similar to sodomy, but occurring exclusively among the bovines, the antelopes and even the genus Bison of the Artiodactyla.
Mr. Ovate: Say Dr. Pistrum, have any species gone extinct due to too much ungulation?
Dr. Pistrum: There is no scientific evidence of that occurring. All the extant ungulate species seem to perpetuate themselves adequately, so that they may persist in nature, despite occasional ungulations. Mostly they have to watch out for predators, periodic herbage shortages and habitat loss to keep from going extinct. And of course, now we can artificially inseminate them ourselves. So the domestic ones, and the ones that live in zoological gardens, at any rate, have the benefits of artificial insemination, and ungulation isn’t a problem for them in terms of species survival.
Mr. Ovate: That’s good to know, Dr. Pistrum. But getting back to the condensed story of Homeland sodomy
Ms. Remains: Mr. Ovate, we need to go to commercial so hold that Homeland sodomy story and we’ll continue with it right after this important and interesting commercial message.
The commercial message: Hi there girls, especially you old ample girls. My assistants, Carl and Mary the Virgin are holding up a full-size color placard featuring me, Nancy, the Goddess of Practical Jokes. The color placard indicates the sad state of my naked bosoms a month ago, prior to once weekly applications of Nancy’s Bosom Lifter and Toner Anointment Ointment. Now, if I can get this smock off, there now, you can see the improvement after just four applications. My ample bosoms are perfect. And I’m 206 years old. Mary, show the home audience my birth certificate. There now, that birth certificate is dated, October 31, 1770. I’m living proof of what Nancy’ Bosom Lifter and Toner Anointment Ointment can do for your bosoms. So don’t wait until you’re vertical or nearly so. Send in your order now, today, and you’ll get a five gallon bucket of Nancy’s Bosom Lifter and Toner. Plus, you’ll get to keep the bucket. The five-gallon bucket is free!
This is one time cash only offer. So send two grand in whatever denominations to Nancy, c/o The Joke Factory, College Station, Texas and your bosoms will soon look just as good as mine, perfect. Whoa! Just espy my bosoms!!!! Perfect!!!!
_____
We now return to our regularly scheduled program.
_____
Ms. Remains: Goodness! That commercial break was interesting! Land sakes! Where were we?
Mr. Ovate: Er. I was fixing to continue my condensed history of Homeland sodomy, maybe, Ms. Remains.
Ms. Remains: Yep. That’s right. You were fixing to do just that. Goodness. Rayetta, would you care to go in on a bucket of Nancy’s Anointment Ointment with me. Prevention is half the cure.
Mr. Pistrum: I’ll get ye a whole bucket if ye want it, sugar.
Ms. Remains: Shut up Ray. I wasn’t asking you. Mercy. Never mind all that, anyway. OK. Mr. Ovate. Please continue.
Mr. Ovate: All righty then. There are two main branches of the Mammonite Christians that focused the Homeland’s attention span on sodomy. Those two main branches are the dispensationalites and the dominionites.
Dr. Pistrum: You’re making them up Crumby.
Mr. Ovate: No, no, no. I’m not Rayetta. Goddess Truth. I’m not making them up.
Dr. Pistrum: Crumby, look me in the eye.
Mr. Ovate: OK, OK, OK, I changed the ends of the names to make them sound more Biblical. So they actually call themselves dispensationalists and dominionists.
Dr. Pistrum: There that’s better. You’re on TV Crumby, and you shouldn’t exaggerate on TV.
Mr. Ovate: That’s correct, Rayetta, I shouldn’t exaggerate, even to enhance the drama and excitement. Anyway, the dispensationlists teach that this world is coming to its end anon, for the one god has dispensed that knowledge to them via a revelation. Moreover, the end could be pretty soon, as well as anon, because the signs of impending doom are getting dispensed right and left, more and more, and one of those signs is the widespread increase in sodomy.
The dominionists, on the other hand, teach that a nice place has to be prepared for Jesus before the end can come about, anon, and that place that has to be prepared for Jesus, is the Homeland, and we can’t have a bunch of sodomy going on in the Homeland when Jesus gets ready to come on down because all the sodomy might put him off his feed and he’s liable to go somewhere else, or stay up in heaven.
Thus the Mammonites are split over the important issue of sodomy. The dispensationalists want more signs of sodomy to bolster their prognostications. The dominionists want less apparent sodomy, in the Homeland, so Jesus will be happy to stay here. Right now, it appears that the dispensationalists are having the better of it, because they’re getting lots of new sodomy signs.
The dominionists, on the other hand, control the Homeland Congress. Plus, the Kinglet is a dominionist. Being a dominionist is hard work. A dominionist, like the Kinglet, may seem pokey sometimes. That’s about it, a kernel or nugget of why sodomy has come to define the Homeland.
Dr. Pistrum: Crumby, if you made all this up, you are going to catch hell when we get back to the Cow Barn.
Mr. Ovate: No, no, no, Rayetta. It’s all true. If I’m lying, the Wicker Man can have me.
Dr. Pistrum: Hmmm.
Mr. Pistrum: Mr. Ovate. Why do you say the Kinglet sometimes appears pokey? And could you hurry up and answer expeditiously cause my stomachs growling.
Mr. Ovate: OK. Anytime anything happens to the Kinglet, that happening is unprecedented and biblical in proportion. So the Kinglet first has to consider what he can do with the happening to make it more acceptable to Jesus. Then he has to ask the one god to tell him what to do. Then whatever that is, he has to stick to that godly opinion. That’s why during an emergency the Kinglet seems to be just sitting around thinking and his response seems pokey. He’s got to ask the one god about how Jesus would like to see the Homeland to be fixed up.
Dr. Pistrum: So Crumby, how come so many of the Mammonites are liars and gluttons. Answer that one Mr. Smarty Pants? If they’re fixing up the Homeland for Jesus, why are they making such a big mess?
Mr. Ovate: Easy that Rayetta. They believe the world is ending, maybe, so that sad possibility gives them leave to run amuck. They think everyone who is free of sodomy, or asks forgiveness for sodomy, will get raptured on up, or get to prance around in New Jerusalem selling real estate. Once Jesus comes on back, they’ll all be rich beyond their wildest dreams, maybe. Then too, a bunch of the Mammonites don’t believe any of this stuff. They just say they believe it. Those Mammonites that don’t believe in any of this malarkey are just in it for the money.
Ms. Remains: Goodness gracious sakes alive. We’re all out of time. Thanks to our special guests today for getting to the bottom of Homeland sodomy. Apparently, sodomy does define the Homeland. This is Ms. Hope Remains, Ace Reporter, bidding you in the Homeland home audience, adieu. Watch out for the Wicker Man!!!! Now where’s Nancy’s address?
posted by ray pistrum at Friday, November 03, 2006
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