Crumby’s Torture

There I was, trapped like a rat, strapped to my Lazy Boy, a Protohuman of either sex at my sides, liable to pester me, even touch me. There I was, abandoned by everyone, deserted even by my bosom companion, the possibly treacherous, Ray. There I was, muted, while all about my torturers competed to see who could shout out the stupidest answer to the stupidest question. There I was, helpless, while my torturers ate up all the delicious fried pies.

Well, I thought to myself, the WG has finally abandoned me entirely. How could this be worse? I know. They could be shouting out stupid answers to the stupid questions with their mouths full. Praise the Goddess this is a Druid crowd and at least, they will not do that. But then, I cast a side-long glance at Lometa. Sure enough, Lometa was hollering and giggling along with the rest of them, her mouth crammed full of apricot fried pie. Good Goddess, I implored, please don’t let any of Lometa’s masticated treat get on me.

Yepper, the WG had indeed entirely abandoned me. After maybe an eternity of playing, Who knows what this is?, featuring the Hawaii trip pictures, the Mistress of Ceremony, Rayetta, called a short break.

Goodness! This is just such fun. But let’s take a short break so everyone can go to the comfort stations or out in the side yard. Also, there’s a nice bucket in the shed.

The WG had entirely abandoned. me. I wanted to go to the Boy’s comfort station too. Plus I wanted to get some of Lometa’s slaver off me. I tried to get Rayetta’s attention. Mmmm! Mmmmmmmmm! MMMMMMMMMMM! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!, I hollered.. But Rayetta, evil-eyed, sashayed on off with the rest of the ladies.

There I was, trapped, all alone in the parlor. Surely the Lovely Druidess shall show mercy, anon. She must! Ha! The Lovely Druidess shall not allow me to piss my Lazy Boy. Then once I am loose I shall lock myself in the Boy’s Comfort Station or hide in the east pasture until everyone has left.

Pretty soon my torturers fixed to filter back into the parlor. Oh no! Great! What’s Rayetta talking to Nancy about? Why are they espying me? Mercy! Yikes! Here they come.

Crumby. Look what Nancy has, Nancy’s Extra Large Pet Diaper, Tailless Version. We shall put this garment on you. Lift up his legs Lomo.

Lomo lift Crumby up by legs?

Yes Lomo. Lift his legs straight up so that I can slip this interesting garment on him. Hmmm. Nancy, can you help cinch up the Velcro straps nice and tight? There now. That’s better. Now you may enjoy the continuing Power Point presentations Crumby, absent fretting over a potentially soiled Lazy Boy. What about gaseous emissions, Nancy? Does the diaper trap those too?

No dear. But it does run the gas through a patented filter system. After filtering, the farts come out smelling like pansies.

Goodness! That is interesting. Hmm! Is it sound proof?

Ha! No Rayetta. We have not sound proofed it yet. We could, but the public really appreciates the irony of fart noises associated with the pansy aroma. This pet diaper is one of our hottest products. We can’t keep them on the shelves. We had to put on an extra shift at the Joke Factory and we still can’t keep up with demand.

Goodness! Did you hear that Crumby. You may fart to your heart’s content, and smell like a pansy. Yoohoo! Everybody reassemble. Take your seats. In a little while, Raymone shall be passing among you with a great platter of French fried chicken and biscuits. Help yourselves. All righty then. Now comes the really fun part. We shall all vote on the best Hawaii trip pictures. The first picture category is, the Wide Angle Picture of General Scenery that I Most Like. Are there any questions? Yes Lometa. You have a question.

Tee-hee-hee. I smell pansies.

Yepper. I bet you do. That’s Crumby. Are there any other questions? Yes Dr. Swineherd.

Dr. Pistrum, many may be confused as to precisely what they may be voting on. Are the many voting on the best picture of the general scenery, or contrariwise, the best general scenery regardless of the quality of the picture?

Hmmm. Good point, Dr. Swineherd. OK. I know. We shall brainstorm Dr. Swineherd’s interesting dialectical observation first. Does everyone understand all that, the dialectic, I mean, as indicated by Dr. Swineherd, that we are fixing to brainstorm?

Karl, you have a question?

Yepper Rayetta. . What was the dialectic again?

On and on went the Power Point Presentation, eventually interrupted by another short break and a course of Mary the Virgin’s, panini sandwiches. What’s in the paninis?, my torturers wanted to know.

Eventually though, after a tousand or maybe two tousand eternities filled with more torture, the WG at last showed mercy. A kind of delirium descended upon me and I began to surmise that I was somewhere else, no longer strapped in my Lazy Boy.

What do we have here, Ysbaddaden Chief Giant?

It’s a bad ‘un. This ‘un done tried to trick yer brother into torturin’ grasshoppers, Lady Arianrhod. Which box should I pen er pin him up in?

Hmmm. This must be Crumby the Ovate. For goodness sakes, Crumby, I forgot all about Lleu Llaw. Has Lleu Llaw been torturing my grasshoppers?

No maam.

Good. Then you may go back to the parlor and enjoy the interesting Power Point Presentation.

But by the time I got back to the parlor, the interesting Power Point Presentation was history. My former torturers were all outside, some fixing to depart, spelling by byes. Mercy! Shall anyone let me loose, ever?

Eventually. Wasn’t that fun. Oh my goodness. I forgot all about Crumby. He’s still strapped to his Lazy Boy. Crumby, do you want loose? Nod your noggin affirmatively if you want loose.

Now Crumby, before I let you loose, are you going to throw a temper tantrum? If you are, I won’t let you loose. Shake your head negatively, if you are not going to throw a temper tantrum.

Hmmm. All righty then, Crumby. But before I let you loose, Crumby, have you been visiting with the WG lately? Nod affirmatively, if you have.

Good! Then perhaps you have learned your lesson.