Grasshopper Torture!!!!

Crumby! You are fixing to catch hell!

No, no, no Rayetta. I am entirely innocent. Mercy! I didn’t do it. Uh. I’m really sorry. I won’t do it again, ever. All righty then?

Shame on you Crumby! Putting poor Lleu Llaw up to torturing grasshoppers. Shame, shame, shame on you, Crumby! Did you consider the peril you put poor Lleu Llaw in? Torturing grasshoppers is the same sort of high jinks that got him into trouble with the WG in the first place. I know you Crumby. You thought and thought. How can I, the wily ovate, retain a batman in servitude forever? Er. OK, I shall lead that batman into sin, sin comparable to the sin that got him in trouble in the first place. Is that what you thought, Crumby?

No, no, no Rayetta. Uh. Well maybe, sort of. But all that thought was unconscious thought. Uh. Maybe.

Hmmm. How do you feel now Crumby? How do you feel, now that your wickedness has been laid bare.

Terrible!

Good. Now, surely you may learn something interesting about grasshoppers without torturing them. Do you surmise you can do that, Crumby?

Maybe. Who tattled on me, Rayetta?

A litttle birdy told me, Crumby, a little birdy. But I see, Crumby, that you do not feel terrible enough, for you are already contemplating pay back. So now you are fixing to get tortured yourself, so you will know just how awful torture is and shall have more empathy for the tortured in the future, maybe. Lomo, bind Crumby to his Lazy Boy.

Huh, huh, huh. Lomo bind Crumby to Lazy Boy?

Yes Lomo, tie Crumby up, then stick this faux apricot fried pie in his mouth.

No, no, no! Get off me you great ape! Mercy Rayetta! Get him off me! Help, help, help, help! Mmmmph!

There. That’s better. Thank you Lomo. Now we shall all assemble here in the parlor for a nice Powerpoint featuring grasshopper photographs. Yoohoo, everyone it’s time for the grasshopper Powerpoint. Come find a place to sit in the parlor.

Oh, this shall be such fun. Crumby, did you know that I invited the Tabby Lab and the Joke Factory to the Power Point? Look, Crumby. Everyone is assembling. Here comes Badgemagus and Ms. Merriam Webster and Nancy and Mary the Virgin, and Karl the Tracker Druid. Goodness! Everyone is coming into the parlor. Isn't this exciting! Hello everybody! Hello Dr. Swineherd. Sit over there next to Red. Oh my goodness, Nancy the Goddess of Practical Jokes. It has been too long. Blah, blah, blah!

Goodness. Lometa, don’t you look cute today. Why don’t you sit next to Crumby. Better yet, sit on the arm of his Lazy Boy. Now Lometa, you mustn’t pester Crumby or annoy him unnecessarily. You see that he’s tied up, don’t you dear? Also, Lomo, shall be sitting on the other side of Crumby. Won’t that be fun!

Now everyone. Hurry up and find a seat. Besides the Grasshopper Power Point, which may not be of interest to everyone, I have also decided to show all our Hawaii trip pictures, first. Everyone feel free to comment on those. Plus, we shall all vote on the various categories of the Hawaii trip pictures, for example, the prettiest picture, the silliest picture, the best lady’s outfit picture, etc. Won’t that be fun! But the Hawaii trip pictures could take awhile. So Hope and Olwen have baked up three fifties of apricot fried pies. Plus there are a great many other treats including a keg of Dolmen. So everyone, don’t stand on ceremony, feel free to partake of the treats anytime. Now then, before I begin the slide show, are there any questions?

Why’s my bosom companion tied up to his Lazy Boy, Rayetta?

Well Ray, Crumby is tied up because he has been very naughty. And now, Crumby is being taught a lesson. In fact, Crumby is being tortured. And Ray, do not, I repeat, do not save Crumby any apricot fried pie. Watching everyone eat up all the pies is part of Crumby’s torture. Do you understand all that, Ray?

Er. All righty then, Rayetta.

OK. Quiet everyone. Here’s our first Hawaii picture. Who knows what that is?