Crumby Rescues Ray

Kai! Evil doer! Over here! Rouse yerself 20 cubits in every direction. It is I, the Crumby Ovate, come to rile you up.

Who?

I am Crumby, Junior Ovate, Druid of great repute. Plus I am Ray’s bosom companion. Since you are a retarded dumbass you probably thought I still had a bad leg. Watch this.

Lleu Llaw, while Kai is watching me, sneak over there and stick Culwuch in the gunny sack.

Ha! Do you espy me, Kai? Here I am. This dance is called the box step. Only an ovate with a fully functional leg may perform this dance.

So what?

Uh. This very dance seduced all the ladies in your family. Then I enjoyed sexual intercourse with all those ladies.

No you didn’t.

Sure I did.

No you didn’t. Yet I find myself unaccountably riled up. So I shall enjoy crushing you like a bug.

Then do it Kai. But first make sure you are expanded twenty cubits in every direction.

Furiously, Kai expands himself to the full 20 cubits in every direction, the full limit of his powers. Meantime, Crumby, box steps into position.

There now. I am in position. Are you fully expanded, Kai? Your noggin sure looks valuable, I mean stupid.

Grrrrrrrr! Kai reaches out 20 cubits in every direction. Yet the elusive ovate, box stepping deftly, has Kai the Stupid lined up perfectly. Take that, hollers Crumby, jabbing Kai in the nuts with his trusty juniper staff. How do you like that?, hollers the ovate, excitedly. Then, lo and behold, Kai is discomfitted. Discomfitted, Kai does a back step. Yet in the path of that back step comes along in the nick of time, Lleu Llaw Guffes, Lion of the Steady Hand, dragging Culwuch the Asshole along in a gunny sack so that Kai the Retard does back step upon the gunny sack containing his asshole cousin. Then Kai of the Largest and Most Valuable Head Ever, does topple over his bagged cousin. Falling hard, on account of his big size, Kai conks himself out on the concrete floor of the flood water detention structure, just like Crumby ovated.

Swiftly and lightly Crumby springs upon the hapless yet ephemeral giant. I got to get his head off before it shrinks. Lucky fer me, the Goddess sent me this pocket knife for just such an occasion. With a few deft strokes, Kai’s noggin is totally cut off from the rest of him.

There now. Lleu Llaw, go get the pick up. I shall stay here with my valuable head and the gunny sack. Drive up as close to this flood water detention structure as you can get. This head is pretty heavy so we don’t want to tote it too far. I sure hope it fits in the bed. We may need to tie it down.

Master Crumby, where shall we unload this prodigious head once we get it home? Plus, do you surmise the Lovely Druidess shall let you keep it?

Whoa! Dern it. I forgot to ovate that far ahead.

Then too Master, your bosom companion, Ray, lies yonder, cruelly gagged and fettered.

Ray? Oh yeah. Hold it, Lleu Llaw. I need to ovate for a minute.

A minute passes.

OK, Lleu Llaw. When we get my valuable head, the gunny sack and Ray back to the CB, what you shall do is present Ray to the Lovely Druidess. That may distract Rayetta for a minute. Then, while Rayetta is distracted with Ray, send Lomo and Raymone out to where I shall be guarding the pick up in the driveway. Er. Never mind Raymone. Just send Lomo. Then go back inside to make sure Rayetta is still distracted with Ray.

Oh! Make sure Ray’s girl friends know he’s back too. All those ladies fussing over Ray, should give me and Lomo enough time to tote the head back to the shed. It ought to fit in the shed. OK. Hold it. If Rayetta starts losing interest in Ray, before Lomo and me get the head off loaded and on its way to the shed, tote in the gunny sack. Then holler out, Look everyone, let’s play badger in the bag! Do you understand all that, Lleu Llaw?

Yes Master.

Anon, all that Crumby ovated came to pass. Then Crumby, espying that his head was safely ensconced in the shed, was filled with gratitude. Assuming the traditional ovation posture of the Druid Ovate, Crumby calls upon the WG. Merciful and Most Beautiful WG, I have much to be thankful for. Despite all my whining, Your Lovely Self has spared me so far. Then, You, Merciful and Ethereal Goddess, In Your Infinite Wisdom, sent one of my many lost pocket knives back to me just in the nick of time. Then, Your Rapturous Person cleverly delivered unto me this spectacular head which may be worth upwards of a hundred dollars. So I am especially thankful for all that. Now, please, please don’t let Rayetta find my head before the biological supply personnel pick it up tomorrow afternoon. OK?