Ray’s Round Table # 10 - Put Off in Solidarity with the Writer’s Strike
Last weeks episode of Ray's Round Table was actually # 9. Got to change that on the venue. There we go.
OK. In solidarity with the writers’ strike we are not going to spell out Ray’s Round Table this week. Instead, Nancy the Goddess of Practical Jokes, and Proprietor of the Druid Joke Factory, has a new product ready for the big holiday sales season. So here’s Nancy with:
That being said, you shall not be fooled into making a foolish purchase from the Druid Joke Factory, ever. No. Any product you get from the Druidry shall be top notch. Plus, if you get all your products from us, you won’t get fooled again, ever. Take for example our line up of Reversible Kilts. All our reversible kilts are made from genuine Americano sheep imported from Australia. Only those sheep with the finest quality wool get sheared, just in the nick of time when the wool is most prime, right at the Joke Factory. Uh. The rest of the sheep become canned mutton. But never mind that, ignorant home viewers.
Now home viewers, just to show that I am not pulling the wool over your eyes, we are fixing to shear a sheep. Then, we shall show you almost the entire sheep to wool fabrication process, right here, right now.
Juan. Are you ready to demonstrate for the ignorant home viewers how we shear a sheep?
Si! Listo!
Baaaaaaaaaah!
Look at that, ignorant home viewers. Juan has sheared that sheep in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. Now that sheep shall be nice and cool. A good thing too, because it is really hot in these parts today. Look how nice and cool that sheep is. Juan, take that sheep inside so it won’t catch cold.
Si, senora.
Gimme that wool first , Juan.
Si.
Now I am off to the combing area. Did you know, ignorant home viewers, that wool is a fire retardant? Well it is, so this wool is highly unlikely to spontaneously combust during this next process I am about to show you.
Juanita, are you ready to comb this wool?
Si! Listo!
There now, Juanita has combed the wool lickety split. Gimme that combed wool, Juanita.
Si, senora.
Now we are off to spin the wool.
Juanito, are you ready to spin the wool?
Si! Listo!
Look at that little fellow go. No other six year old can spin wool like that anywhere. Juanito is the globe’s quickest wool spinner. Is the wool spun yet, Juanito?
Si! Listo!
Gimme that.
Si.
Now we are off to the dyeing vats. We shall dye this wool into a nice kilt pattern. The dyeing process is the only part of the operation I can’t show you, ignorant home viewers. That’s because the dyeing vat room may be encumbered by illegal drug use.
Here I am at the door to the secret dyeing room. Knock, knock.
Hello Antonia. Dye this up for me, pronto.
Si, senora.
Shut the door.
Si.
Now we just have to wait a second or two. Did you know, ignorant home viewers, that there are lots of different kinds of sheep? Yes. Sheep are everywhere, but they are not the same sheep everywhere. No. Those sheep vary from parts to parts. Because the sheep vary, the wool on one particular sheep, hold it, here’s Antonia. Is it ready, Antonia?
Si! Listo!
Gimme that. And shut the door.
Si.
All righty then. Now we are off to knit the sheared, combed, spun and dyed wool into a kilt. I can show you that part of the process, maybe. Here we go.
Maria, knit this up for me right quick.
Si. Senora.
Look at Maria knit that kilt up. Maria, is the world’s quickest child knitter. Plus she has never dropped a stitch. There now. She’s all done. How about that, ignorant home viewers?
Gimme that, Maria.
Si.
OK. What we have here is half a reversible kilt. Now all we have to do is stitch this to the other half. Fortuitously, I have a number of reversible kilts already stitched together and ready to be modeled for you ignorant home viewers. Now we are off to the modeling room.
Here we are. Hello, Mary. Hello Karl.
Hi Nancy!
Home viewers, meet today’s models. These twain models are, Mary the Virgin and Karl the Tracker Druid. Both have taken time out from their regular jobs to model reversible kilts just for you.
First here’s Mary. Mary, pretend you are at important conference. Suddenly you spill your hot chocoate all over the front of your kilt. What shall you do?
Well, Nancy, that’s easy. I shall just reverse my kilt.
Watch carefully, ignorant home audience as Mary reverses her kilt. See! Did you see that? Mary’s kilt has a special quick release tab that allows Mary to reverse her kilt in a public place so quickly that nobody notices, for the blink of an eye, that she is totally naked from the waist down How about that?
Now Karl. You are in a life or death situation. You have tracked the enemy to their secret hideout. Yet those cruel enemies have discovered you. What shall you do to save yourself?
Look at that home audience. Karl has instantaneously reversed his kilt to match the kilts of his hideous, cruel enemies. Now, all those ignoramuses think Karl is one of them. Ha!
Just imagine, ignorant home viewers, all the other uses for my reversible kilts you could think up by yourselves. That’s right the potential uses are endless. Plus if you purchase a dozen different reversible kilts, you shall blend in anywhere, anytime. You shall always fit in, in a reversible kilt.
Then, once you have purchased your reversible kilts, all you need for packing all your reversible kilts around is our patented reversible kilt back pack which is also reversible. How about that? And for a limited time, if you purchase a dozen different reversible kilts, I shall throw in a reversible kilt back pack, free of charge. How about that?
Plus that’s not all you get. Just in case you get into a little trouble the reversible kilts can’t handle, sewn inside a secret reversible kilt backpack pocket is a genuine, guaranteed authentic, saint’s bone or bone fragment. Knowing that bone is with you, shall guarantee that extra tidbit of security in any situation, anywhere.
So you get a dozen reversible kilts, the reversible kilt backpack and a saint’s bone sewn into a secret pocket inside the reversible kilt backpack, all for the one time low price of a tousand or maybe two tousand drachmas depending on the current exchange rate. How about that?
Send cash to:
Nancy, Goddess of Practical Jokes
Druid Joke Factory
4 Cowgirl Road,
Austink, ROT 44444
OK. In solidarity with the writers’ strike we are not going to spell out Ray’s Round Table this week. Instead, Nancy the Goddess of Practical Jokes, and Proprietor of the Druid Joke Factory, has a new product ready for the big holiday sales season. So here’s Nancy with:
Infomercial - The Many Potential Advantages of Your Reversible KiltHello home viewers. I am Nancy, the Goddess of Practical Jokes, and Proprietor of the Druid Joke Factory. I am also in charge of QC at the joke factory. My job is to personally inspect all our goods before those goods are vended to you, the ignorant consumer. Now don’t get me wrong, or get your hackles up for being ignorant. Ignorance is not your fault. You can’t help being ignorant when it comes to knowing something or other about all those products out there you want for yourself. Plus, almost all the other vendors purposely mislead you about their products. So you are not only ignorant, as soon as you purchase a product from one of those other vendors, you are also a fool.
That being said, you shall not be fooled into making a foolish purchase from the Druid Joke Factory, ever. No. Any product you get from the Druidry shall be top notch. Plus, if you get all your products from us, you won’t get fooled again, ever. Take for example our line up of Reversible Kilts. All our reversible kilts are made from genuine Americano sheep imported from Australia. Only those sheep with the finest quality wool get sheared, just in the nick of time when the wool is most prime, right at the Joke Factory. Uh. The rest of the sheep become canned mutton. But never mind that, ignorant home viewers.
Now home viewers, just to show that I am not pulling the wool over your eyes, we are fixing to shear a sheep. Then, we shall show you almost the entire sheep to wool fabrication process, right here, right now.
Juan. Are you ready to demonstrate for the ignorant home viewers how we shear a sheep?
Si! Listo!
Baaaaaaaaaah!
Look at that, ignorant home viewers. Juan has sheared that sheep in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. Now that sheep shall be nice and cool. A good thing too, because it is really hot in these parts today. Look how nice and cool that sheep is. Juan, take that sheep inside so it won’t catch cold.
Si, senora.
Gimme that wool first , Juan.
Si.
Now I am off to the combing area. Did you know, ignorant home viewers, that wool is a fire retardant? Well it is, so this wool is highly unlikely to spontaneously combust during this next process I am about to show you.
Juanita, are you ready to comb this wool?
Si! Listo!
There now, Juanita has combed the wool lickety split. Gimme that combed wool, Juanita.
Si, senora.
Now we are off to spin the wool.
Juanito, are you ready to spin the wool?
Si! Listo!
Look at that little fellow go. No other six year old can spin wool like that anywhere. Juanito is the globe’s quickest wool spinner. Is the wool spun yet, Juanito?
Si! Listo!
Gimme that.
Si.
Now we are off to the dyeing vats. We shall dye this wool into a nice kilt pattern. The dyeing process is the only part of the operation I can’t show you, ignorant home viewers. That’s because the dyeing vat room may be encumbered by illegal drug use.
Here I am at the door to the secret dyeing room. Knock, knock.
Hello Antonia. Dye this up for me, pronto.
Si, senora.
Shut the door.
Si.
Now we just have to wait a second or two. Did you know, ignorant home viewers, that there are lots of different kinds of sheep? Yes. Sheep are everywhere, but they are not the same sheep everywhere. No. Those sheep vary from parts to parts. Because the sheep vary, the wool on one particular sheep, hold it, here’s Antonia. Is it ready, Antonia?
Si! Listo!
Gimme that. And shut the door.
Si.
All righty then. Now we are off to knit the sheared, combed, spun and dyed wool into a kilt. I can show you that part of the process, maybe. Here we go.
Maria, knit this up for me right quick.
Si. Senora.
Look at Maria knit that kilt up. Maria, is the world’s quickest child knitter. Plus she has never dropped a stitch. There now. She’s all done. How about that, ignorant home viewers?
Gimme that, Maria.
Si.
OK. What we have here is half a reversible kilt. Now all we have to do is stitch this to the other half. Fortuitously, I have a number of reversible kilts already stitched together and ready to be modeled for you ignorant home viewers. Now we are off to the modeling room.
Here we are. Hello, Mary. Hello Karl.
Hi Nancy!
Home viewers, meet today’s models. These twain models are, Mary the Virgin and Karl the Tracker Druid. Both have taken time out from their regular jobs to model reversible kilts just for you.
First here’s Mary. Mary, pretend you are at important conference. Suddenly you spill your hot chocoate all over the front of your kilt. What shall you do?
Well, Nancy, that’s easy. I shall just reverse my kilt.
Watch carefully, ignorant home audience as Mary reverses her kilt. See! Did you see that? Mary’s kilt has a special quick release tab that allows Mary to reverse her kilt in a public place so quickly that nobody notices, for the blink of an eye, that she is totally naked from the waist down How about that?
Now Karl. You are in a life or death situation. You have tracked the enemy to their secret hideout. Yet those cruel enemies have discovered you. What shall you do to save yourself?
Look at that home audience. Karl has instantaneously reversed his kilt to match the kilts of his hideous, cruel enemies. Now, all those ignoramuses think Karl is one of them. Ha!
Just imagine, ignorant home viewers, all the other uses for my reversible kilts you could think up by yourselves. That’s right the potential uses are endless. Plus if you purchase a dozen different reversible kilts, you shall blend in anywhere, anytime. You shall always fit in, in a reversible kilt.
Then, once you have purchased your reversible kilts, all you need for packing all your reversible kilts around is our patented reversible kilt back pack which is also reversible. How about that? And for a limited time, if you purchase a dozen different reversible kilts, I shall throw in a reversible kilt back pack, free of charge. How about that?
Plus that’s not all you get. Just in case you get into a little trouble the reversible kilts can’t handle, sewn inside a secret reversible kilt backpack pocket is a genuine, guaranteed authentic, saint’s bone or bone fragment. Knowing that bone is with you, shall guarantee that extra tidbit of security in any situation, anywhere.
So you get a dozen reversible kilts, the reversible kilt backpack and a saint’s bone sewn into a secret pocket inside the reversible kilt backpack, all for the one time low price of a tousand or maybe two tousand drachmas depending on the current exchange rate. How about that?
Send cash to:
Nancy, Goddess of Practical Jokes
Druid Joke Factory
4 Cowgirl Road,
Austink, ROT 44444
posted by ray pistrum at Sunday, December 09, 2007
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