Magnus is Attacked by Ancient Romans, Part 6

OK Rosalind, since you have volunteered for this ambassadorial mission to the pig rider, we need to get some important paper work out of the way before you depart. Since you probably can’t read, I shall briefly go over the information contained in these documents. Then, all you have to do is make your mark in the spaces provided. Then, off you go.

Wait a minute! I cewtainly can wead and wwite too. I shall wead these documents myself, you wuling class lackey.

Suit yourself. But they are long documents full of technical mumbo jumbo. The pig may get us all before you finish reading and signing all these complicated documents.

Oh, all wighty then. Just show me whewe to sign.

Good. Sign here, and here, here and here, here, here, here. Oops, and here, here, here and here. Hmmm. Just a couple more. Here and here. Put today’s date below that one. Hold it. Here’s one more.

Goodness gwacious!

Mercy! The altruistic Rosalind, her ample bosoms heaving with exasperation, has just signed a bunch of documents. Briefly, these documents absolve the municipality of Hamletville of any responsibility should fate catch up with Rosalind in the performance of her duty. Or, to put it another way, anything that happens, is Rosalind’s fault. Also, Rosalind, as a part time employee, gets no wages, no benefits, no insurance, no legal recourse, no holidays, no overtime, no meal money. However, she must provide her own transportation, proof that her personal transportation was not stolen, and pay a poll tax.

Mewcy! Am I fwee to go now?

Almost. Just as soon as we run copies of these signed documents by the legal, accounting and human services departments, you may depart. Did you bring a lunch?

No.

Yet the City Manager of Hamletville reckoned without Twrch Trwyth.

Suddenly terrified whining noises declaimed to the very high heavens from every nook and cranny in Hamletville. Eeek! Yikes! The vast pig approaches at a gallop.

Yes indeed. Twrch Trwyth and his famous pig rider, Magnus, made good progress from their last stop and arrived on the outskirts of Hamletville, known to those twain travelers as Child Molester Village, just in the nick of time.

Heaven help us. There is that giant pig already arrived. Oh no. He is headed straight for my peanuts. Do something, Rosalind. Go forth. Negotiate.

OK. I shall go fowth undew a flag of twuce. Do you have a flag of twuce, handy?

By the time the City Manager and Staff managed to locate a flag of truce and a stick, and affix the flag of truce to the stick, Twrch Trywth and Magnus were arrived at the very doors of city hall.

Whuff! Come forth responsible parties of Child Molester Village. It is I, Twrch Trywth together with my friend, Magnus the little orphan bastard, come again to these parts. We have come for revenge. Long ago, many of you child molesters molested Magnus while he was trying to work. Now, Magnus shall have his revenge. Right Magnus!

That is correct. As Twrch Trwyth has stated, I, Magnus, have come back to these parts after many years. My revenge, while slow in coming, yet shall now be swift. Once I am done with you child molesters, you shall never molest another little orphan bastard traveler again ever.

Oh noooooo! Go on Rosalind. Hurry up. Go outside and negotiate.

Yes. Even though the lawyers, accountants and human service whatevers had not okayed Rosalind’s contract, the City Manager was eager for Rosalind to get to work.

I shall go as soon as I am pwesentable.

The City Manager watched in exasperation as Rosalind, employing a vanity, made minor adjustments to her hairdo and makeup. There now. I am weady.

Come forth responsible parties. Come forth immediately, or we twain shall lay waste to child molester village. All of you, all your crops, all your livestock shall be utterly uh?

Hello weawy twavelews. My name is Wosalind. I come fowth, undew my flag of twuce, to negotiate the suwwendew of Hamletville. To save time I have pwepawed a wathew tiwesome list. My list, as you shall see anon, has two columns. The left column lists all the pwoltetawians now staying in Hamletville. The wight column lists all the bouwgeoisie. You shall not afflict the poow pwoltetawians identified in the left column. Howevew, you may afflict the bouwgeoisie identified in the wight column. Goodness gwacious! Howevew am I evew fixing to get my tiwesome list way up thewe to you siws, for youw pewusal.

Twrch! We need to think about this. We need to talk this over in private. This situation is more complex than I expected.

You are correct, Magnus. You are also aware, Magnus, that this young lady pronounces all her rs as ws. I hope you are aware of that fact.

Really. OK, then some of what she said makes sense, maybe.

Siws! Do you wish to wead my wist, or not?

Magnus, I think you should rappel down. Then you can get a copy of that document the young lady is waving. Once you have the document, you can bring it up here so we can read it. Announce to the young lady that you are fixing to rappel down.

OK Twrch. Dang it. What did she call herself?

I believe she calls herself Wosalind. But you, Magnus, should remember to call her Rosalind. Remember Magnus. Mentally translate all the ws into rs.

OK Twrch. Young lady! Miss Rosalind. I, Magnus, am fixing to rappel down. So you need to back off a ways so you won’t get hit with my rope when I drop it.

All wighty then. I shall back off a safe distance to avoid youw wope.

Rosalind backs off a ways as Magnus unfurls his rope and fixes to begin his descent.

Psst! What’s happening Rosalind. How are the negotiations going?

Vewy well Mistew City Managew. While you cowew inside city hall, the pig wider is wappeling down to weceive my list.

List. What list?

Excuse me Mistew City Managew. Hewe the pig wider is now.
______

All righty. It is me, Crumby. The whatchamacallit of this historical document. What is the correct term? Narrator. Yes. Or as Rosalind would have it, nawwatow. From now on, having made my point, I am fixing to go ahead and translate almost all Rosalind’s ws into rs, because she is driving me cwazy.