Is Church Like Torture?
Many may presume that a pagan Druid like me never went to church. That may be because many may believe that pagans are sure to suffer death in an actual church. Yes. Those pagans either convert on the spot or miraculously expire, usually bursting into flame when approaching within 10 meters of the pulpit.
All that may be true. That’s why a pagan Druid like me who has been to church lots of times is hard to explain. But the solution is simple. I converted to the Druidry mostly after I went to church. That’s right. Course necessity has had me back in church once or twice since my conversion. How did I keep from bursting into flame on those rare occasions? Well, I pretty much stayed in the back more than 10 meters from the pulpit. Also, the WG cloaked me in invisible armor. My invisible armor, a gift from the WG, protected me from all the Christian wickedness. Nevertheless, that armor had two disadvantages. I got a little hot, and it did not protect me from boredom.
Naturally, I whined to the WG about the armor. Please WG, why is my armor so hot. Also WG, despite my armor, I can still espy plus hear the boring proceedings. Is my particular armor defective? Please WG, fix my armor!
Turns out the armor is designed only to keep pagans from actually getting snuffed in church. The WG explained it this way. Crumby, if I gave you invisible armor that kept you nice and cool and allowed you to entirely ignore the proceedings, what might you do? I know you Crumby. What you would do is go to church to rest up, ignoring your Ovational duties until at last you would be spending too much time napping at church. Can’t have that!
Naturally, the WG’s explanation about the armor made perfect sense. But then I got to thinking about all the miserable times I endured at both church and Sunday school prior to my conversion. Yes. I suffered a lot. How many times did I think, Will this be over any time soon, ever?
So when the Media Liberal latched on a poll that correlated positive attitudes toward torture with lots of church attendance I was not surprised. That’s because church made me suffer. I figure if the Goddess had not saved me, I would have continued suffering miserably in church. After awhile, I would have been so miserable from enduring all the suffering, that I would consider torture no big deal. Go ahead, torture! I don’t fucking care.
Yes. Eventually, if I had gone to church long enough, I probably would have gotten so miserable that I would have welcomed a little personal torture myself.
Yes. I’ll do it. I volunteer for the Baptismal font. I’ll tell you anything you want to hear. Praise Jesus!
All that may be true. That’s why a pagan Druid like me who has been to church lots of times is hard to explain. But the solution is simple. I converted to the Druidry mostly after I went to church. That’s right. Course necessity has had me back in church once or twice since my conversion. How did I keep from bursting into flame on those rare occasions? Well, I pretty much stayed in the back more than 10 meters from the pulpit. Also, the WG cloaked me in invisible armor. My invisible armor, a gift from the WG, protected me from all the Christian wickedness. Nevertheless, that armor had two disadvantages. I got a little hot, and it did not protect me from boredom.
Naturally, I whined to the WG about the armor. Please WG, why is my armor so hot. Also WG, despite my armor, I can still espy plus hear the boring proceedings. Is my particular armor defective? Please WG, fix my armor!
Turns out the armor is designed only to keep pagans from actually getting snuffed in church. The WG explained it this way. Crumby, if I gave you invisible armor that kept you nice and cool and allowed you to entirely ignore the proceedings, what might you do? I know you Crumby. What you would do is go to church to rest up, ignoring your Ovational duties until at last you would be spending too much time napping at church. Can’t have that!
Naturally, the WG’s explanation about the armor made perfect sense. But then I got to thinking about all the miserable times I endured at both church and Sunday school prior to my conversion. Yes. I suffered a lot. How many times did I think, Will this be over any time soon, ever?
So when the Media Liberal latched on a poll that correlated positive attitudes toward torture with lots of church attendance I was not surprised. That’s because church made me suffer. I figure if the Goddess had not saved me, I would have continued suffering miserably in church. After awhile, I would have been so miserable from enduring all the suffering, that I would consider torture no big deal. Go ahead, torture! I don’t fucking care.
Yes. Eventually, if I had gone to church long enough, I probably would have gotten so miserable that I would have welcomed a little personal torture myself.
Yes. I’ll do it. I volunteer for the Baptismal font. I’ll tell you anything you want to hear. Praise Jesus!
posted by ray pistrum at Thursday, May 07, 2009
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