Water, Water, Everywhere

Yikes! This morning, following up on Saturday’s mandatory water rationing story, the local newspaper fearlessly identified the highest consumption residential water users in Austink, again. Yet all the exposed homeowners that actually talked to the reporter had good excuses for dosing their yards with plenty of cool water. One example:

The water was for my pet hippos. Hippos require plenty of water. Especially in this hot weather, a hippo may easily die of thirst or maybe dehydration. Look. Either I water my hippos or those hippos shall die a lingering horrible death out in the backyard. What then? What about those dead hippos? What shall everyone say when your newspaper reports that I have abused my hippos to death?

Yes. All the homeowners had great excuses for the seemingly amazingly huge rates of water consumption. Another example:

I can’t help myself. I miss the spy or spook game. But now I am retired. Boo-hoo-hoo. But oh Lordy I do miss the work. Oh God! How I miss the work! The snorting and choking. Yes. It is an addiction. An awful addiction. My God, I know it’s out of control. But I can’t help myself. Huh-huh. So I do a little water boarding. Just as a hobby. You know?

So. Now that Austink has declared super triple secret mandatory water rationing with fines, and begun hiring enforcement officers, surely water use by these reckless residents shall be curtailed at last. Well. Maybe, maybe not. See. If I need to water my hippos only one day a week between 10 PM and 7 AM, I just need to figure out how to get like a month’s supply of water to my hippos every week during that limited time. So what I need is like really efficient hoses and what not. That’s right. I need reliable high volume watering equipment. With that equipment, which might include an underground pipe system extending to a deep hole in Town (Lady Bird) Lake, I shall have no trouble watering my hippos.