A Rapture Hypothesis

Oh well. There are plenty of signs that point to The Rapture fixing to occur. And all these signs are pretty well documented; for example, earthquakes and volcanoes are typical of the many well- documented signs or portents that anticipate, The Rapture. But what about tornadoes? Some say that tornadoes are becoming more frequent, more powerful, bigger in every way. Therefore, tornadoes might also be construed as a sign for the upcoming Rapture.

The Druids though, don’t agree. No. Sorry. Tornadoes are not a sign for The Rapture.

But if tornadoes are not a sign, what are they? Well. Tornadoes are a mighty wind, rotating in a counter clockwise fashion. Well actually nearly all the tornadoes in these parts rotate counter clockwise. However, in South America , where tornadoes are rare, they rotate clockwise. Go figure.

A visible tornado as espied by the naked eye is funnel- shaped. The narrow end of the funnel-shaped, whirling vortex or tornado may actually touch the ground, whereas the wider end is situated up in the heavens. Yea verily, the wider end is way up yonder, in heaven.

Because the tornadoes are apparently getting worse in these parts, they may already be capable of actually sucking an average-sized, adult human up into heaven. For sure, even now, they are plenty strong enough to suck up babies, toddlers and midgets. So it is really easy to imagine that as the tornadoes gradually get more and more super charged, they could actually suck up practically anybody, even including the grotesquely obese.

Now that we have already learned what a tornado is and how tornadoes can suck up people, we still need to discuss how tornadoes may relate to The Rapture. If they are not a sign or ovation announcing The Rapture, what are they? Well. Perhaps many have already guessed the hypothesis. Yet the obvious still needs to be conjectured upon out in the open. So without further ado, the Druid hypothesis is: Tornadoes are the actual physical mechanism whereby The Raptured are vacuumed or sucked up into heaven

That’s right. A tornado comes along. Yes it does. And these particular tornadoes have been taught by Jesus to recognize the rare, the pure, the virginal, sin-free souls dwelling amidst the wicked multitudes. So that at the time or times of The Rapture, tornadoes shall suck up the pure few, leaving the sullied or soiled sinners behind, to rot or putrefy within the murky and malodorous bowels of Hades for all eternity plus one.

Please consider the proof. Where do most of the people on Earth that believe in The Rapture, abide? Did you guess, the US Bible Belt? And where do most of the tornadoes occur? Again, Did you guess, the US Bible Belt?

Paraphrasing Jesus, none of you dumbasses shall know the exact hour or minute when the tornadoes shall be released. Not even Jesus knows that. Because there is no precise time. Instead the tornadoes shall be released gradually over a period of many moons. This time release of the tornadoes shall give the righteous plenty of opportunities to get sucked up. Like if you get missed by one tornado, just be sure to stand in the path of the next tornado that comes along. Off you go. Heaven Bound!

Mercy! Did you know that some have already undergone The Rapture, carried off to heaven by a tornado? Well. They have been Raptured. Yet you are still here. Mercy!