The Imperial Magic Formula
Crumby, like most regular adults humans, was once trapped in the body of a child, helpless and defenseless. But even back in those scary times, Crumby knew that whoever got to be the elected president would soon undertake imperialist adventures abroad, no matter what the presumptive president said regarding imperialist adventures abroad before he got elected. Yes. American imperialism has always been a sure bet at the crap shoot some call our precious foreign policy.
Anon, Crumby’s tiny head grew larger. Pretty soon, as Crumby’s head grew larger, encouraged to eventually reach its present gargantuan proportion, by his immature brain, forever straining against a restraining dermal skull roof, Crumby figured out that the ruling class, or some responsible party amid the ruling class, must have a mechanism or magic formula for turning all the presidential electees into imperialists. Plus, given that our precious ruling class has never been all that bright, lately especially, Crumby deduced that the magic formula had to be something really easy to operate, similar to fairy dust.
In ancient times, pre-Crumbian, rumor has it that the Booblican Party was anti-imperialist. Or, more specifically, the Booblican segment of the ruling class didn’t like to pay taxes. Sound familiar. So for sure they didn’t like to pay mass quantities of taxes to support the troops on foreign soil. (This was before the Booblican section of the ruling class was shown how to support the troops on foreign soil with other people’s money).
So Crumby is fixing to decide what would happen if one of our twain modern crusaders against imperialism, Rep. Paul or Rep. Kucinich, somehow got elected president. But that’s not much fun. So let’s assume that a hybrid of the twain with like super anti-imperialist powers got elected. But right before he takes the oath, he gets an e-mail from the Pentagon.
“Mr. Presumptive President, you need to come over to the Pentagon for your foreign policy briefing”.
Off he goes. But like as soon as he goes through the door of the Pentagon, a bucket of fairy dust that was suspended above the front door to the Pentagon gets dumped on him.
You may wish to know who operates the bucket. Easy that. They take turns. But on this particular occasion, Chitlin Cheney got the ceremonial honor of operating the fairy dust bucket. That’s right. Old, fat Chitlin got to pull the rope. He got so excited, transforming the newly elected into an imperialist, that right after he had to go in for an artificial heart tune up. Mercy!
OK, mi Americanos. A dreadful fact of life has just been brought to the attention of me, the incumbent president. The dreadful fact of life is, a billion Hindus are refusing to eat their meat. How can they have any pudding, if they don’t eat their meat?
So we need to force them, for their own good, but also for the sake of our national interest, plus the global economy, to eat their meat. Therefore, I have decided to cluster bomb the bejesus out of the Indian subcontinent. Then, if they still won’t eat their meat, we shall by God send in our brave contractors plus the military. And our brave contractors, plus the military, shall stick their noses in their meat. After that, they shall damn for sure, eat their meat. OK. Buenos noches, mi Americanos.
Anon, Crumby’s tiny head grew larger. Pretty soon, as Crumby’s head grew larger, encouraged to eventually reach its present gargantuan proportion, by his immature brain, forever straining against a restraining dermal skull roof, Crumby figured out that the ruling class, or some responsible party amid the ruling class, must have a mechanism or magic formula for turning all the presidential electees into imperialists. Plus, given that our precious ruling class has never been all that bright, lately especially, Crumby deduced that the magic formula had to be something really easy to operate, similar to fairy dust.
In ancient times, pre-Crumbian, rumor has it that the Booblican Party was anti-imperialist. Or, more specifically, the Booblican segment of the ruling class didn’t like to pay taxes. Sound familiar. So for sure they didn’t like to pay mass quantities of taxes to support the troops on foreign soil. (This was before the Booblican section of the ruling class was shown how to support the troops on foreign soil with other people’s money).
So Crumby is fixing to decide what would happen if one of our twain modern crusaders against imperialism, Rep. Paul or Rep. Kucinich, somehow got elected president. But that’s not much fun. So let’s assume that a hybrid of the twain with like super anti-imperialist powers got elected. But right before he takes the oath, he gets an e-mail from the Pentagon.
“Mr. Presumptive President, you need to come over to the Pentagon for your foreign policy briefing”.
Off he goes. But like as soon as he goes through the door of the Pentagon, a bucket of fairy dust that was suspended above the front door to the Pentagon gets dumped on him.
You may wish to know who operates the bucket. Easy that. They take turns. But on this particular occasion, Chitlin Cheney got the ceremonial honor of operating the fairy dust bucket. That’s right. Old, fat Chitlin got to pull the rope. He got so excited, transforming the newly elected into an imperialist, that right after he had to go in for an artificial heart tune up. Mercy!
OK, mi Americanos. A dreadful fact of life has just been brought to the attention of me, the incumbent president. The dreadful fact of life is, a billion Hindus are refusing to eat their meat. How can they have any pudding, if they don’t eat their meat?
So we need to force them, for their own good, but also for the sake of our national interest, plus the global economy, to eat their meat. Therefore, I have decided to cluster bomb the bejesus out of the Indian subcontinent. Then, if they still won’t eat their meat, we shall by God send in our brave contractors plus the military. And our brave contractors, plus the military, shall stick their noses in their meat. After that, they shall damn for sure, eat their meat. OK. Buenos noches, mi Americanos.
posted by ray pistrum at Monday, June 06, 2011
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