Ray's Thought for the Day - Ray and Olwen 19

Ray couldn’t sleep at all that night. He was nervous. When Ogma arose, Ray was up and about and Ray did espy Ogma and the sight of Ogma arising graveled Ray, for Ray was nervous, and Ogma, about the business of his usual rising, made Ray grouchy. So then Ray was nervous and grouchy. “Alas,” thought Ray, “nothing shall ever please me anymore unless it be Olwen, daughter of Upyeraholes.” But then Ray smelled bacon so Ray went into the kitchen and Aint Delilah fixed Ray a bacon and biscuit sandwich so that Ray, partaking of the biscuit and bacon calmed down and cheered up.

But Ray’s retinue had to be fed and all of that bunch in the retinue had to perform ablutions and pack so by the time all that was eventually concluded, Ray was nervous and grouchy as ever before. For Ray, of course, was packed up and ready to go long before the balance of the retinue.

Finally, though, all were assembled, except for Chiltin who could not be found, and Ray went in to the laundry hamper area to say bye to Cousin Joe.

“Bye cousin Joe.” Ye be a good boy and I’ll see ye anon.”

“Yepper. I’ll be a good boy once the dern retinue departs, fer then Mama shall let me out of the laundry hamper, maybe.” Cousin Joe was also nervous and grouchy, made so by his long confinement in the laundry hamper. So then Joe queried, “Ye gonna fix it with Upyeraholes so I won’t have to stay in this here hamper so much, Ray?”

“Yepper Joe, fer sure”, Ray foretold, but Ray also thought, “maybe.”

Ray picked Joe up out of the hamper part way and hugged Joe some, but then Ray had to drop Joe back in the hamper and cover Joe up so none of the retinue might espy Joe and report the presence of Joe unwarily, and such report of Joe come anon to Upyeraholes. For Upyeraholes might then decide to preempt Joe, and Ray would have no cousins left at all on Joe’s side of Ray’s kinsfolk.

Ray left Joe, stealthy in the hamper, to seek out his Uncle Samson and his Aint Delilah. Anon, Ray espied Aint Delilah still in the kitchen, tidying up.

“Bye Aint Delilah.”

“Bye Ray”

Then the twain of them kinsfolk hugged and Aint Delilah gave Ray some good advice and at the last of the good advice Aint Delilah pulled Ray’s switchblade out from her apron pocket and gave Ray his switchblade back. “Ye may be needin’ that knife Ray, sugar, to shave with someday.”

“Yepper, maybe. Where be Uncle Samson?”

“Yer uncle be tendin’ the swine, but will wait upon the road, fer ye, to say bye, also.”

Ray despondently departed from his Aint Delilah. On the lawn in front of the house though, Ray’s retinue was generally assembled. “Get yer motors runnin’, head out on the highway, lookin’ fer adventure, anything that comes our way,” might have been playing on some of the radios, but it wasn’t yet, of course. So Ray got in the Crown Vic, started her up, and commenced to drive, drive, drive and the retinue followed along behind Ray as best it could. Ray drove, drove, drove a little ways. Anon, there appeared a great black man with a great hump betwixt his shoulders and a tiny white dog with red ears and these twain were on the side of the road so that Ray recognized his Uncle Samson and Tiny the Countin’ Swine Hound. So Ray slowed down and made as if to halt momentum all together. But Uncle Samson tossed a steering wheel knob through the open passenger side window of the Crown Vic and Ray caught it and Uncle Samson foretold, “Ye may be needin’ that Ray, fer inspiration, someday. Bye now and see ye anon.”

“Bye Uncle Samson. Bye Tiny. I’ll see ye anon, maybe.”

Ray then drove, drove, drove and while Ray drove, drove, Ray also, for a spell, fiddled around affixing his steering knob onto its proper location. Then once the knob was properly affixed by its twain knob screws to the steering wheel exactly where it had once resided, Ray was indeed inspired by that knob, even as Uncle Samson foretold. For the likeness of his Aint Delilah inscribed upon the knob much resembled Olwen White Track. And as is the nature of those particular knobs generally, the lady depicted on that particular knob was short on concealment.

Pretty soon, as Ray’s eyes chanced to stray from his knob to the scenery ahead, Ray espied a big black castle off in the distance and there was no doubt in Ray’s mind that the big black castle belonged to Upyeraholes, Chief Justice. For atop the big black castle was a great big sign and on the sign was written in great big letters that flashed on and off so that many should spot the sign for miles around, UPYERAHOLES. Upon espying that big black castle and the sign, Ray and the Crown Vic went hammer down and the scenery flew by expeditiously so that small mammals, insects, birds, humans and proto human pedestrians never knew what hit them. And in the wake of the Crown Vic, the tardy limousines of Ray’s retinue were also borne up as if they had wings so that the caravan zoomed along at supersonic speed. But lo even though all were proceeding along fairly expeditiously, the castle didn’t seem to get any closer.

“Whut’s this then?” surmised Ray. So Ray went hammer down to the max and the Crown Vic really flew but the castle didn’t seem to get any closer. “Dang it!” Ray was aggravated. “ First thing I need to do is turn off this here walkie-talkie fer I can not abide another, “Ere we there yet?” from my retinue. There that’s better. Now fer some Overdrive.” So Ray shifted into Overdrive and the Crown Vic zoomed along even far in excess of supersonic speed, but the castle didn’t seem to get any closer.

Ray then grew mighty aggravated during this long spell of all the driving and not getting anywhere. So then Ray hollered out a stream of very naughty profanities that was long on emphasis and short on repetition so that all the flat-chested in those parts that heard Ray’s profanities borne to their ears as if upon a great wind went stone deaf and had to go see their “Eye, Ear, Nose and Throat Specialist” afterwards. But none of those flat-chested could explain to the doctors what had afflicted them.

Of a sudden, and in the midst of a great wrath that had seized upon Ray, and through his wrath ravaged visage, Ray espied a monstrous arch, with a monstrous tall gate within the arch and little houses set about the gate for the army of gate keepers and gun thugs guarding the arch. And Ray espied that the gate was shut against him so that Ray braked the Crown Vic hard and the Crown Vic slewed to a stop from its supersonic plus speed. And then Ray waxed even more aggravated than he was already for the gate was shut against him when it should be wide open. “One er another of ye fat boys over yonder best open that gate if ye know whut’s good, fer ye.” Ray hollered out the window.

“No, and get out of here to boot, ye juvenile delinquent.” a fat gun thug hollered back at Ray.

“All righty then, fer ye.” Ray said to himself as he reached into his right back hip pocket. Ray pulled forth his ivory handled switch blade and clicked it open. “Yonder fat boy, needs a gut spillin’, knife,” foretold Ray. Out the window flew Ray’s switchblade and in the wink of an eye the fat boy’s guts were spilled upon the ground and the switchblade was back with Ray.

“Open the dang gate.” hollered Ray.

“No.” hollered back a second fat boy.

“Take off his ears, knife.”

As if by magic the second fat boy was suddenly down on his hands and knees screaming and looking for his ears and the rest of the fat boy gate keepers and gun thugs grew afraid because they couldn’t figure out what was going on.

So Ray hollered out yet again, “Open the dang gate.”

But the biggest fat boy gun thug of all hollered back, “ No.” And he raised his machine gun for to shoot at Ray with his machine gun, but before he could shoot at Ray, Ray spelled “Get his pecker.” and the biggest fat boy of all, as if by magic, was, in the wink of an eye, crawling around on his hands and knees, crying out for his lost pecker.

“If there’s any one of ye with a lick of sense over yonder, ye best open the gate.” hollered Ray.

But the gate keepers and gun thugs were afraid to open the gate and afraid they would get their peckers took off if they hung around, so they all hooked it and Ray had to open the gate himself.

Once Ray got the gate open he turned around to espy his retinue. There they all were in a pitiful state of affairs as usual from the long ride in the air conditioned limousines. So Ray went over to get in the Crown Vic, but before he got in, Ray hollered at the retinue, “Come on now, let’s get inside.” and that’s what they all did do.