Ray's Thought for the Day - Ray and Olwen 15

“Ray, I’ll swan. Yer mother was such a sweet soul. Ye do favor her greatly. They say the good die young and that seems proved out. Yet here ye be and I am much overjoyed to see ye. Yet I am much a-feared also, fer ye. Yer quest is a terrible one and I fear lest ye go early as did yer poor sweet mother and my loving baby sister and ye wind up fed to the swine as so many sad young boys a-fore ye. So tell us about yer quest, Ray.”

“Dang. Aint Delilah, in all the excitement of meeting family and all I fergot about my retinue. I, Ray have a retinue that is no-account, but a retinue nevertheless that is hepin’ on my quest. The retinue may arrive anon if they aint lolly-gagged overly and the particular retinue I reference is large in number though slow on the uptake and they shall want this and that.”

“That’s all right Ray, honey. Don’t fret. Sam and me can see to em. We got plenty of spare bedrooms and plenty of swine we can fry up fer swine burgers. Everyone likes a nice swine burger er two fer supper.”

“All righty then. Er, Aint Delilah, do I have any cousins here about, maybe?”

“Snuffle, snuffle.”

“There there, whut’s wrong Aint Delilah?”

“Oh it’s terrible, terrible Ray, whut happened to yer cousins. Fer ye would now see half a fifty less three about the place of yer cousins, all fine handsome boys, alive but fer the very quest ye have yerself set out upon. Fer each and ever one of my sons, yer cousins, also wished to have sexual intercourse with Olwen, daughter of Upyeraholes, and each and ever one of em wound up in the swine chow."

“Goodness gracious. That must be terrible hard on ye and Uncle Samson. Mercy. And Uncle Samson was the one who had to mix em up in the swine chow, his own sons and my cousins. Mercy! Er. Ye don’t reckon any of my unfortunate cousins is in the up-comin’ renditions of the swine burgers do ye, Aint Delilah?”

“Ray! How could ye query thus? But I fergive ye, fer yer tender years, allow ye to query so. Course not. The swine that get that particular chow are kept separate and don’t get et. Now, Ray darlin’, can ye keep a secret?”

“Yes maam”.

“Are ye sure ye can keep a secret?”

“Yes maam."

“It’s a life er death secret. Are ye sure ye can keep it?”

“Yes maam. I am sure I can keep a secret although I have never had one to keep, a-fore.”

“Hmmm. All righty then. One should be easy fer ye to keep. Husband, go fetch in Ray’s last survivin’ cousin. He’s hid in the laundry hamper fer the nonce.”

Then off went Ray’s Uncle Samson to fetch in Ray’s cousin. Anon, Uncle Samson reappeared towing a nappy headed three year old with big eyes and dressed up in undears.

“Joe. Say hey to yer first cousin, Ray.”

“Hey, Ray.”

“Hey, Joe.”

Then Aint Delilah foretold, “Now come on over here Joe, and sit with Ray, fer it be right and proper that first cousins should sit together and get to know each of the other .”

“All righty then. I’ll just sit next to Cousin Ray fer a spell. How old are ye, Cousin Ray?”

“Three and a little bit. Same as ye, Joe.”

“How come yer so dang big then?”

“Don’t know. Just growed fast, I reckon.”

“Cousin Ray, I got to keep hid mostly fer fear of Upyeraholes gettin’ me. Ere ye a-feared of Upyeraholes?”

“No I aint a-feared, Cousin Joe. Not of nothin’, much less Upyeraholes. I aint got enough sense to be a-feared.”

“Ye aint?”

“Noper. And I’ll tell ye whut. It aint right how Upyeraholes has been with y’all, that is yer brothers and yer momma and daddy and ye yerself havin’ to hide out in the laundry hamper. So whut I’m a-gonna do is give Upyeraholes a terrible big boy whuppin’, and if that don’t simmer him down I shall do somethin’ even worse to em that I aint figured out yet. Then once he’s took care of, y’all won’t have to worry so much about whut’s in the swine chow.”

But then Uncle Samson hollered, “No, no, no, we don’t need to go there. Ferget about the swine chow, Joe.”

“Oops. Yepper. Let’s ferget about the swine chow. Here Joe. I got somethin’ here fer ye to play with. Then Ray pulled out his ivory handled switch blade and showed it to Joe and explained its attributes to Joe and showed Joe how he could operate it by himself. Now Joe, ye can check this out fer the nonce, but be careful with it. And ye must give it back anon, fer I shall one day require it to shave with, maybe.”

Then Joe’s eyes got even bigger and he wandered off happily back towards the laundry hamper area to check it out.

Then Uncle Samson foretold, “Ray, it’s time to commence barbecuin’ up the swine patties. Come on out back and we shall fire up the barbecue."

Then Aint Delilah foretold also, “Ye twain do that and I’ll fix up in here and keep an eye out fer the retinue.” And because the twain of them, both Uncle Samson and Aint Delilah were foresighted those events did indeed transpire anon.