The Druid News Service (DNS) Presents - US Culture Today - An Exclusive Interview with a High Power

Goodness gracious sakes alive! This is Ms. Hope Remains, Ace Reporter, with another intermittent newsy news feature, provided almost exclusively to US Homelanders by the DNS. This is a really scary one so we have had to take unusual precautions. In fact, home audience, the location for this exclusive newsy news feature, wherein you now see me seated comfortably in this pretty, little blue, Lazy Boy recliner, is one of our safest locations, the Parlor of the Goddess at the Druid Tabby Lab, our bucolic college where we train up young Druids. Badgemagus Swineherd, Ph. D. and president of the college, assisted by the senior Druid faculty, personally warded the parlor in preparation for this upcoming scary event which we shall get to in just a little while. But first, before we visit with the High Power, here’s the Crumby Ovate, Junior Ovate for Red’s Good Vs. Evil Cow Barn, with a testimonial. Hi there, Crumby. Have a seat in the adjacent Lazy Boy. Make yourself at home

Hi Hope. Er. Thank you very much . Now if I can just get this Lazy Boy cranked back to a proper declination. Ha! There we go.

Are you all set now for your testimonial, Crumby?

Yepper.

Some dead air time escapes.

Crumby, the home audience is ready for you to begin your testimonial.

All righty then, Ms. Hope.

Some more dead air time escapes while Crumby, fishes around in various pockets, not easy while declined upon a Lazy Boy.

Crumby, are you all set to begin your testimonial or not?

Yepper. Here they are, Ms. Hope. I have some notes. Praise the Goddess. Er. Could the camera over yonder please zoom in on these notes I am upholding? Er. Ms. Hope where do I look to see that my notes are visible to the home audience and right side up and all?

Right there Crumby that big monitor over there. See, the notes are visible to everyone.

All righty then. Er. Ms. Hope and home audience, I can’t actually read these notes because I am too nervous to read my own hand writing, so I shall go over the salient features of these particular notes from memory. The notes you may see on the left side of your screen, hold it, no that’s right, the notes you may see on the left side of your screen are a spelling of all my personal telescopery gear. As you may see those notes fit on one page of notes because I wrote real small. On the right you see a 3" x 4" pocket notebook, chock full of notes, indicating all the telescopery gear I would have, given an absence of personal temperance and moderation. Look, I’ll flip through the notebook to show everyone how chock full of spells it is. See there, chock full! There are a great many items I would now possess, personally, if I was intemperate or immoderate, whichever.

Goodness Crumby, that is an impressively long list. However, did you curb your desire to possess all those items? Many of those items must be very expensive and desirable?

It wasn’t an easy thing to eschew many of those desirable, expensive items, Ms. Hope. I had to call upon my long Druid training on many occasions to quell an urge for this or that item. Then too, many of those items are so expensive and desirable that I would have exhausted all my funds upon them. Mercy, I might have resorted to thievery, or robbery, or extra work, or gambling to acquire those items. I might have sold myself to strange ladies, less virtuous than the ladies I already know. Then, having wickedly acquired those items, I should want still more items not even included in the notebook yet, and more, and more, and more. Mercy!!!! I would be spending all my time sorting my items instead of using them for their intended purposes.

Goodness gracious Crumby! Praise the Goddess, your Druid Training saved you from all that crime and sordid aggravation. Shall we together raise up our voices in Glad Cry to the White Goddess for sparing you all that? Come on home audience, join me, Ms. Hope Remains, Ace Reporter, and Crumby the Ovate in Glad Cry to the Goddess for sparing the Crumby Ovate and curbing his avaricious ways.

Hope and Crumby chorus on up.

Yay, for Druid Training! Yip, yip, yip for the Triplet Goddess. She loves us a lot if we don’t make gluttons of ourselves. Yay, for the White Goddess! Yip! Yip! Yip! Harooooooooooooo!!!!

Mercy! All righty then. Thank you for that interesting testimonial, Crumby. Goodness gracious sakes alive! But now it’s time for a really scary interview with today’s high power, special guest. Dr. Swineherd, is today’s high power, special guest properly constrained and all set for his interview?

He is indeed, Druidess Hope. I have him here constrained in this burlap tow sack with nought but some residual chicken chow for company. Where do ye want him?

Oh, oh, goodness gracious, bring him over to the coffee table. Can we open the sack and have a peek at him, Dr. Swineherd?

Hope and Crumby extricate themselves from their Lazy Boys and meet up with the terrible, dark, tall and gaunt Dr. Swineherd at the coffee table, Dr. Swineherd toting an economy size chicken feed sack, it’s contents wriggling mightily.

Well, here he is safely ensconced in the tow sack. But he’s waxing a might feisty. Crumby, fetch me my wand and we shall play at badger in the bag.

Yessir.

Crumby fetches Dr. Swineherd’s Wand, a great Alder cudgel. Dr. Swineherd belabors the feed sack with five mighty strokes. Piteous wails issue from the sack. The wriggling ceases.

There now. Let me just haul him out of there so y’all may have a looksee at this particular demonic wonder.

Dr. Swineherd reaches into the feed sack and pulls forth the Demon, maintaining a firm grip on the scruff of its neck.

Oh my goodness gracious, look how cute he is! Home audience, look how cute he is. It's the Demon Mammon! Oh my goodness, he’s like the most precious little boy doll I have ever espied. And look at that! He’s been eating the residual chicken chow. Cameraman Lomo, pan in on the Demon Mammon’s sweet little mouth so everyone can espy how, despite his awful circumstances, he has crumbs all over his face from eating the chicken chow. Isn’t that cute! The poor little fellow was starving. Goodness! Isn’t he such a nice plump little fellow all dressed up in a silk suit and a satin shirt and white patent leather shoes with gold buckles. And look at that diamond studded Rolex and all those rings on his plumb little hands and espy those jeweled lapel pins would you. Gracious sakes he must be an Honorary Member of every single chapter of the Homeland Chamber of Trickle Down Commerce. Look, he has a gold Mammonite Cross too. Mercy! He’s so cute and so handsome and plump. And look at that hair and those eyelashes. I have never ever seen such perfect hair and eyelashes on a little boy before just now. He’s so pretty. He’s just perfect! My goodness gracious and look at that beautiful complexion. Perfect! Boo, hoo, hoo. How could you serve the little Demon Mammon so cruelly, Dr. Swineherd?

Yeah Dr. Swineherd, he is a cute little fellow, all righty then. You shouldn’t be whupping up on him and toting him around in a feed sack.

So then, you Hope Remains, and you Crumby Ovate would have me turn the Demon Mammon loose in the Parlor of the Goddess. Shame on you two, for you have fallen under his spell and he has only been out of the feed sack a minute or two. Noper, back in the feed sack he goes.

Please help me Hope! Please help me Crumby! If you help me you shall wax rich beyond your wildest dreams. You shall have more and more of whatever your hearts desire. More, more, more...............................

Here now you little demon, back in the sack you go. There now. And here’s some more wanding for you, Whack ! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! There now. I shall take this demon outside and release him. Meantime you two need to consider that you wanted to turn him loose in the Parlor. And when I get back, you twain better be on your best behavior.

Uh, oh. Mercy!

Uh, oh. Goodness gracious!

Badgemagus is aggravated with us Hope.

Yepper. We wanted to turn the Demon Mammon loose in the Parlor of the Goddess. What the heck we were we thinking?

I was thinking I could get a new eyepiece or two out of the deal. But now, all I shall get is a refresher course in fending off Demons. Plus, there’s no telling how many push ups Badgemagus shall make me do. Mercy!

Goodness Gracious! Well, that’s all the time we have today for the newsy news. This is Ms. Hope Remains, Ace Reporter, signing off for the DNS. Next time you see me, I may be wearing a feed sack. Boo, hoo, hoo.