US Culture Today - An Intermittent Newsy News Feature - Druid News Service (DNS) - Ms. Hope Remains, Ace Reporter - Reporting
Hello there regular people and boys. This is Ms. Hope Remains, Ace Reporter. Goodness gracious sakes alive!!!! Here I find myself in Pakistan, the Himalaya Mountains towering off in the distance, close by. Yep, I’m in the general vicinity of the Hindu Kush, all righty then. Yep, I have secreted myself among the entourage of Chitlin and Associates. Chitlin and Associates, as you may know, are presently browsing across Asia, putting a dent in the scanty larders of the miserable Asians. Yep, Chitlin and Associates ate up a whole white tiger for breakfast. How about that! Mercy!
Anyway, here’s how I got myself secretly included in the entourage. I found out that Chitlin has been studying up on the culture of the miserable Asians. Chitlin even went so far as to read a bunch of books trying to find an example of positive miserable Asian behavior in the literature. Chitlin read and read, his studies only interrupted by regular meals and snacks. Finally, after lots of reading, Chitlin found the example he was so eagerly searching for, Gunga Din. Goodness gracious, right there in that little tome, Barrack Room Ballads, Chitlin found the optimal behavioral model for a miserable Asian. Plus, Chitlin was so impressed by Gunga Din that he has a copy of Barrack Room Ballads with him, in his suit pocket. I am in that book, disguised as a silverfish. You know, silverfish, a primitive wingless insect.
Goodness gracious sakes! Chitlin and Associates are meeting over lunch with the affable Pakistani dictator, Mr. Pervez Musharraf, at this very nonce. Chitlin is muttering. Let’s listen in.
_____
Umh, humh, Pervez, I have been studying the culture of you miserable Pakistanis and it appears that your culture is in decline. You, Pervez need to set a better example, an example more like the great self-sacrificing miserable Asian, Gunga Din. What I need you to do is go up in the mountains. Also, order a good many of your blackfaced crew to go along too. Then, start shooting the place up. Get the local blackfaced ’eathens stirred up. We need them running around outdoors. Then once those miserable blackfaced ‘eathen are all stirred up, I shall give the command to cluster bomb the bejesus out of them.
But Mr. Chitlin, honorable sir, how will the cluster bombs distinguish between the good and the bad blackfaced heathens. Magnificent sahib, the cluster bombs may be accidentally dropped on your humble bhisti, me, Pervez.
Umh, humh. These are smart cluster bombs Pervez. These cluster bombs are programmed to the exacting equivalent standards of Microsoft XP - Home Edition. So you have nothing to worry about.
All righty then, most honorable sahib punjab Mr. Chitlin. I shall go immediately off to the mountains with only my goatskin water-bag and my miserable blackfaced crew for company.
Umh, humh. Pervez, for all your dirty ‘ide, you are white, clear white inside. But now before you go, from our luncheon here you know, fetch me a second helping, Gunga Din.
_____
Goodness gracious sakes alive! The affable dictator, Mr. Pervez Musharraf, is heading off to the mountains with only a twisty rag covering his genitals and a goatskin water-bag. Mercy! I sure hope he avoids the cluster bombs. He is so polite, and well, affable. OK. I feel the need for a little sustenance myself so I shall crawl back into the spine of Barrack Room Ballads and eat some glue. Ray sugar, I shall be home Friday night. And all you home viewers, Watch Out for the Wickerman!!!!
Anyway, here’s how I got myself secretly included in the entourage. I found out that Chitlin has been studying up on the culture of the miserable Asians. Chitlin even went so far as to read a bunch of books trying to find an example of positive miserable Asian behavior in the literature. Chitlin read and read, his studies only interrupted by regular meals and snacks. Finally, after lots of reading, Chitlin found the example he was so eagerly searching for, Gunga Din. Goodness gracious, right there in that little tome, Barrack Room Ballads, Chitlin found the optimal behavioral model for a miserable Asian. Plus, Chitlin was so impressed by Gunga Din that he has a copy of Barrack Room Ballads with him, in his suit pocket. I am in that book, disguised as a silverfish. You know, silverfish, a primitive wingless insect.
Goodness gracious sakes! Chitlin and Associates are meeting over lunch with the affable Pakistani dictator, Mr. Pervez Musharraf, at this very nonce. Chitlin is muttering. Let’s listen in.
_____
Umh, humh, Pervez, I have been studying the culture of you miserable Pakistanis and it appears that your culture is in decline. You, Pervez need to set a better example, an example more like the great self-sacrificing miserable Asian, Gunga Din. What I need you to do is go up in the mountains. Also, order a good many of your blackfaced crew to go along too. Then, start shooting the place up. Get the local blackfaced ’eathens stirred up. We need them running around outdoors. Then once those miserable blackfaced ‘eathen are all stirred up, I shall give the command to cluster bomb the bejesus out of them.
But Mr. Chitlin, honorable sir, how will the cluster bombs distinguish between the good and the bad blackfaced heathens. Magnificent sahib, the cluster bombs may be accidentally dropped on your humble bhisti, me, Pervez.
Umh, humh. These are smart cluster bombs Pervez. These cluster bombs are programmed to the exacting equivalent standards of Microsoft XP - Home Edition. So you have nothing to worry about.
All righty then, most honorable sahib punjab Mr. Chitlin. I shall go immediately off to the mountains with only my goatskin water-bag and my miserable blackfaced crew for company.
Umh, humh. Pervez, for all your dirty ‘ide, you are white, clear white inside. But now before you go, from our luncheon here you know, fetch me a second helping, Gunga Din.
_____
Goodness gracious sakes alive! The affable dictator, Mr. Pervez Musharraf, is heading off to the mountains with only a twisty rag covering his genitals and a goatskin water-bag. Mercy! I sure hope he avoids the cluster bombs. He is so polite, and well, affable. OK. I feel the need for a little sustenance myself so I shall crawl back into the spine of Barrack Room Ballads and eat some glue. Ray sugar, I shall be home Friday night. And all you home viewers, Watch Out for the Wickerman!!!!
posted by ray pistrum at Monday, February 26, 2007
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