Crumby is Super Spooked by Fear Itself

OK. I am super spooked. The pervasive fascist mentality among US has latched leechlike upon my noggin. So I began to speculate on who might do more to make me safer. I thought and thought. Then I decided our brave nuclear submariners could do more to make me safer. But how can they do that, make me safer, when those brave nuclear submariners are ensconced, Nautilus like, far beneath the waves of some secret sea, or sea-like body of water, or ocean?

Er.

Er.

Er.

OK. What they could do is shoot nuclear missiles at miserable Haitian environmental refugees. Yepper. Those miserable boat people are all out there sailing about on our ocean; out there on our ocean fixing to sneak into Florida, pretending they are tired and poor, when really, they are probably terrorists.

Yepper. They are terrorists. Every last one of those miserable boat persons has terrorist inclinations, like sailing on our ocean and sneaking into these parts illegally. Plus, many of them have been getting germ shots from our enemies, like the evil Mohatma Boogerbear. Yepper, the evil Mohatma Boogerbear, Germ Doctor, (GD)*, who was personal friends with the Kinglet before he suffered terrible financial reversals in a business deal with the Kinglet, is providing free germ injections to those miserable boat people right before they set sail for US. So I say, nuke those germy terrorists on the high seas. Nuke them out on the high seas before we have to nuke them in Fort Lauderdale. Nuke 'em and put Mohatma Boogerbear out of his free germ clinic.

And who is better equipped to nuke them than our brave submariners? Our brave submariners, pardon me, may not have enough to do, given their work environment, in this epic, never ending, relatively great struggle with germy environmental refugees, I mean terrorists.

Er. Hold it! Is there such a thing as a nuclear torpedo? Jeez Louise! Never mind the nuclear torpedoes. Nuclear torpedoes are probably really dangerous. Too dangerous. Mercy! A nuclear torpedo might blow up to close to the dern U-Boat that shot it off.

Noper. Our brave submariners need to use intercontinental ballistic missiles. That way, those miserable boat people should get blown off the face of the earth from a safe distance. Ha! They will never know what hit them, or why.

A second bunch that may be slacking off when it comes to making me safer is the pest management industry. How many pest managers have caught any terrorists or even exterminated any terrorists? None of ‘em. That’s right, the pest managers have done nothing to make me safer. And terrorists are the biggest pests we got, maybe, after termites. But never mind the termites. Those dang pest managers need to switch off the termites and go after the terrorists.

*Mohatma Boogerbear G.D., is just one of many examples of a good and kindly human being gone terribly bad. Or maybe he was always bad. But for a long time everyone thought he was good and kindly. Then one day, after doing some business deals with our Kinglet, he went bad, terribly bad. Our Kinglet, of course, is entirely innocent in the matter. Nevertheless, Mohatma is out there at an unknown, secret location and free clinic, injecting germs into scary terrorists masquerading as miserable environmental refugees. Many of those same germ crazed terrorists are taking school bus driving lessons at the AISD school bus barn right now. Yikes! There some of them go, driving along to the school bus barn located right down the street, spewing fumes and Goddess knows what else out of the school bus exhaust pipe.

OK. I have had enough of all this inaction. I better call up our brave nuclear submariners plus the pest managers, maybe, and report that terrorists are training in the school buses at the school bus barn.

Ha! Here’s the secret code phone number of our brave nuclear submariner commander. He's out there under an ocean somewhere, eagerly awaiting a terrorist emergency call.

Hello. Is this the secret yet brave nuclear submariner commander?

He’s playing golf! How the heck can he be playing golf?

Well who the heck are you?

His secretary. All righty then. Listen up Ms. Secretary, if you really are a secretary. I am fixing to provide you with the GPS coordinates for a nuclear missile strike on the terrorist school bus barn located down the street.

Dang it! She hung up. Imagine that! She hung up on a taxpayer. All righty then. I need some private industry help. I need some pest control. Lemme see. Do I need the Orkin Man or ABC or one of the organic pest management outfits? Dang it!

Crumby, what are you up to?

Nothing Rayetta.

Yes, you are too up to something. You have been quiet far too long, not to be up to something.

Well Rayetta, if you must know, I have been putting myself in the shoes of an average person. The particular average person whose shoes I am filling has plenty of common sense. His common sense tells him he needs to be safer. So he is using his common sense to engage the submariners and the pest management industry in his campaign for personal safety against the terrorists and germ carriers.

So you are satirizing the fascists again. That's nice. Say Crumby, did you notice that Ray's latest fly looks like a Schnauzer?

Jeez Louise, Rayetta. Yer correct. That fly looks exactly like Mohatma Boogerbear's pet Schnauzer, Petey.