My Tree is Dead. I’m Gonna Get a Mesquite!
Sadly, this refrain, my tree is dead, is upon many lips. Yes. Certainly, a Druid like myself can relate to people who forgot to water that favorite tree. Then, that favorite tree, died. Mercy! All your tree ever wanted was to provide you with shade and maybe some nice fruit or nuts. Maybe you put a table under it. Maybe you put in a tree house, or a tire swing. But now you have mercilessly killed your tree. Now you must hire a bunch of cheap labor to come over, saw your tree up, and haul it off. Boo-hoo-hoo.
Ok. Time to go to the nursery and purchase a new tree. Uh. By the way, no tree can do without water, entirely. So, if you want your new tree to live, and not die, you need to water it a whole lot for the first month or two. If you don’t water it in good, you shall kill your new tree, just like you killed your old tree. That’s right. You killed your tree. Not the drought, not bugs, not disease, not ball moss. You, are the tree killer. You need to ask the WG for forgiveness. Dumbass!
The current Druid recommendation for new tree is mesquite (Prosopsis glandulosa). OK. Let’s just list a great many reasons why mesquite is your new tree of choice for these parts.
1) Mesquite is a native of these parts, having dwelt here far longer than white people. Contrarily, some white people may try to tell you that mesquite is not native. They may try to tell you that mesquite is Mexican in origin. Yes. They shall try to convince you that there were no mesquites in these parts until herds of Mexican cows were driven up the old Dumbass Trail by cowboys too stupid to administer a purgative to the cows before they crossed the Rio Grande. However, all that is lies made up to help justify millions of dollars of my tax money going to pay for brush control. Mesquite is native to these parts, end of story.
Or, if you live in some enlightened shithole like Midland, where landscaping with native plants is illegal, you can still use mesquite. Cause mesquite is Mexican in origin. Is it Midland, Odessa, or both?
2) Mesquite is the very tree you are least likely to kill due to neglect or not watering.
3) Mesquite has thorns. Formerly, the Druids figured that thorns presented way too much of a drawback. But this was because Druids like to manage the herbaceous vegetation that grows around and under the trees and we didn’t want the thorns stabbing us or puncturing our tires. But now, since all the herbaceous vegetation is likely to be dead, and therefore unmanageable, we figure the thorns don’t matter.
4) Mesquite has nice flowers that may draw plenty of interesting insects plus honey bees.
5) Mesquite has tasty beans. Did you know that monk parakeets eat mesquite beans?
6) Mesquite can grow as big, or stay as little as you can possibly imagine.
7) Mesquite has lacy leaves for the little girls, and uh, furrowed bark for the little boys.
8) Mistletoe grows like crazy on mesquite. Which means, you may harvest the mistletoe and sell it just prior to Winter Solstice. But remember, for the mistletoe to work correctly, post harvest, it must have been cut from the mesquite tree by a naked virgin wearing only leather gloves, knee pads and sensible shoes. Furthermore, that almost naked virgin should ascend into the nethermost branches only when the mistletoe is in fruit, and only when fickle Ogma has set, and only when the moon is full or nearly full. Like maybe three quarters full is OK. Then also the semi-nude virgin must also be equipped with a genuine Swiss Army knife or better yet, some hand snips. Yes. Hand snips are what is needed. But if no hand snips are around or handy, a Swiss Army knife may be employed, alternatively. OK. Once the probable virgin cuts the mistletoe, somebody shall need to be on the ground under the tree to catch the mistletoe as it hurtles earthward, Praise be to Upup the Magnificent, Lordette of Gravity. That mistletoe, accelerating earthward at 9.8m/sec squared must not be allowed to hit the ground. So an additional person must be in charge of arresting the precipitous downward journey of the mistletoe. That additional person should also be a naked virgin if any more can be found or summoned from a nearby county. If no more virgins are to be had, then a non-virgin of only limited experience may be employed.
Now listen. Virgins are pretty important in this process. But just because you need virgins to harvest the mistletoe, that should never indicate you need to go violating the child labor laws or guidelines. That’s right. Just because a child may be a virgin does not mean you automatically should get to employ that child in a dangerous nocturnal work environment like mistletoe harvesting. OK! Goddess Damn It! OK! Just see what happens if you abuse child labor. You are fixing to really get it, if you do!
9) Mesquite roots may grow for miles. This means that your mesquite can go over and use your neighbor’s water. And you won’t need to water your mesquite so much.
All righty then. That’s a great many reasons to choose mesquite as your new tree.
Ok. Time to go to the nursery and purchase a new tree. Uh. By the way, no tree can do without water, entirely. So, if you want your new tree to live, and not die, you need to water it a whole lot for the first month or two. If you don’t water it in good, you shall kill your new tree, just like you killed your old tree. That’s right. You killed your tree. Not the drought, not bugs, not disease, not ball moss. You, are the tree killer. You need to ask the WG for forgiveness. Dumbass!
The current Druid recommendation for new tree is mesquite (Prosopsis glandulosa). OK. Let’s just list a great many reasons why mesquite is your new tree of choice for these parts.
1) Mesquite is a native of these parts, having dwelt here far longer than white people. Contrarily, some white people may try to tell you that mesquite is not native. They may try to tell you that mesquite is Mexican in origin. Yes. They shall try to convince you that there were no mesquites in these parts until herds of Mexican cows were driven up the old Dumbass Trail by cowboys too stupid to administer a purgative to the cows before they crossed the Rio Grande. However, all that is lies made up to help justify millions of dollars of my tax money going to pay for brush control. Mesquite is native to these parts, end of story.
Or, if you live in some enlightened shithole like Midland, where landscaping with native plants is illegal, you can still use mesquite. Cause mesquite is Mexican in origin. Is it Midland, Odessa, or both?
2) Mesquite is the very tree you are least likely to kill due to neglect or not watering.
3) Mesquite has thorns. Formerly, the Druids figured that thorns presented way too much of a drawback. But this was because Druids like to manage the herbaceous vegetation that grows around and under the trees and we didn’t want the thorns stabbing us or puncturing our tires. But now, since all the herbaceous vegetation is likely to be dead, and therefore unmanageable, we figure the thorns don’t matter.
4) Mesquite has nice flowers that may draw plenty of interesting insects plus honey bees.
5) Mesquite has tasty beans. Did you know that monk parakeets eat mesquite beans?
6) Mesquite can grow as big, or stay as little as you can possibly imagine.
7) Mesquite has lacy leaves for the little girls, and uh, furrowed bark for the little boys.
8) Mistletoe grows like crazy on mesquite. Which means, you may harvest the mistletoe and sell it just prior to Winter Solstice. But remember, for the mistletoe to work correctly, post harvest, it must have been cut from the mesquite tree by a naked virgin wearing only leather gloves, knee pads and sensible shoes. Furthermore, that almost naked virgin should ascend into the nethermost branches only when the mistletoe is in fruit, and only when fickle Ogma has set, and only when the moon is full or nearly full. Like maybe three quarters full is OK. Then also the semi-nude virgin must also be equipped with a genuine Swiss Army knife or better yet, some hand snips. Yes. Hand snips are what is needed. But if no hand snips are around or handy, a Swiss Army knife may be employed, alternatively. OK. Once the probable virgin cuts the mistletoe, somebody shall need to be on the ground under the tree to catch the mistletoe as it hurtles earthward, Praise be to Upup the Magnificent, Lordette of Gravity. That mistletoe, accelerating earthward at 9.8m/sec squared must not be allowed to hit the ground. So an additional person must be in charge of arresting the precipitous downward journey of the mistletoe. That additional person should also be a naked virgin if any more can be found or summoned from a nearby county. If no more virgins are to be had, then a non-virgin of only limited experience may be employed.
Now listen. Virgins are pretty important in this process. But just because you need virgins to harvest the mistletoe, that should never indicate you need to go violating the child labor laws or guidelines. That’s right. Just because a child may be a virgin does not mean you automatically should get to employ that child in a dangerous nocturnal work environment like mistletoe harvesting. OK! Goddess Damn It! OK! Just see what happens if you abuse child labor. You are fixing to really get it, if you do!
9) Mesquite roots may grow for miles. This means that your mesquite can go over and use your neighbor’s water. And you won’t need to water your mesquite so much.
All righty then. That’s a great many reasons to choose mesquite as your new tree.
posted by ray pistrum at Monday, September 07, 2009
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