More Fat Sucker Vampire Facts
OK. The factual information Crumby is fixing to present is not included in the movie. This data is extra to the movie and was left out because there was no time to include it in the movie. You know, the movie run time is just an hour and a half. Therefore, most of the interesting natural history of the fat sucker vampire is not in the movie. Interested parties can only get that information right here.
Also some of the natural history information provided in the movie may contradict actual facts. That may be what happens in some sensational type movies. So here Crumby has an opportunity to set the actual record straight.
Natural History of Vampirus lipo-succubus (Ovate)
The fat sucker vampire, Vampirus lipo-succubus (Ovate) is generally considered to recall a time long ago when people and Echinoderms, principally star fish, were more closely associated than they are today, maybe. Yes. Way back in those early days as the seas cooled and air, plus dissolved oxygen became available, suddenly a great swarm of life appeared.
At first, most of the life stayed in the luke warm seas. Yes. There in those cosy seas the life swarmed for hundreds of years. There all of them stayed, defecating and ejaculating in the water. Yet out of this soupy mess, eventually a few of these organisms slithered out of the watery mixture on too dry land.
What types of organisms were capable of making that first terrible trip from the soupy seas to dry land? Easy that, only those organisms with five major protuberances coming off their trunks (rudimentary arms, legs and noggin) were capable of making that transition. And at that time there were only maybe one or two hundred species of those type organisms. All those organisms, the one or two hundred species we are discussing; those grappling, bun hugging, entangled in the web of life species were among the original land locked potential ancestors of both people and star fish.
Then, once on land, they began the process of thinning each other out. Those were tough times. A bunch of them quit on the land and went back to the sea. Many were simply eaten and forgotten. However, one species, the people, thrived. Pretty soon the people established a situation that was fantastic for their species. For their species ate up all the other species and hardly any of the other species ever got to eat them.
Consequently, because the people easily ate all the other species without exerting much energy, and the other species were incapable of chasing or eating the people, the people grew fat and a little fatter, just like in the song featuring buckwheat cakes and Injun batter.
Yet hardly anyone notices what is lurking behind the refrigerator. Yes. Here and there another species exists side by side with the people. This species is commonly known as the fat sucker vampire.
The physical appearance of your average fat sucker vampire is slightly different from the sensational account provided in the movies. In reality, the fat sucker vampire exudes five limbs. Four of those limbs are similar to arms and legs. Thus the fat sucker can walk a pace or two and grab on this or that. But the main function of the four limbs is holding on. That’s right. With all four limbs deployed, a fat sucker can hold on for dear life while it sucks fat.
The fifth limb, also known as the noggin, provides all the senses or sense a fat sucker requires. Yes. The fifth limb is merely a highly specialized and efficient fat detecting organ. With the noggin fat detector organ displayed, a fat sucker can detect fat from as far away as, uh, forty cubits.
In its naked state or condition, the fat sucker only vaguely resembles its people host. Yet with clothes on, typically a rain coat, apron, broad-brimmed hat, scarf and rubber boots, the fat sucker can easily pass for a person. The hilarious part is, the person preyed upon by a fat sucker actually becomes ecstatic due to the presence of the vampire and often helps the vampire off with its clothes.
Due to the fairly limited range of the vampire noggin, the fat sucker must, in order to survive, stick fairly close to fat people. Where do fat people stay? Duh! Fat people stay in fat people habitat of course. That’s where C. Ovate first discovered his initial fat sucker vampire, Arby’s. But it’s like this. Once you find one fat sucker, and know what to look out for, you start finding them everywhere. Crumby has even found them in unlikely spots like Central Market. Yes. Even Central Market is home to fat suckers.
OK. There we have it. An actual, abbreviated, non-sensational account of the natural history of the famous fat sucker vampire. Is it more human, or is it more starfish? Crumby may know for sure.
Also some of the natural history information provided in the movie may contradict actual facts. That may be what happens in some sensational type movies. So here Crumby has an opportunity to set the actual record straight.
Natural History of Vampirus lipo-succubus (Ovate)
The fat sucker vampire, Vampirus lipo-succubus (Ovate) is generally considered to recall a time long ago when people and Echinoderms, principally star fish, were more closely associated than they are today, maybe. Yes. Way back in those early days as the seas cooled and air, plus dissolved oxygen became available, suddenly a great swarm of life appeared.
At first, most of the life stayed in the luke warm seas. Yes. There in those cosy seas the life swarmed for hundreds of years. There all of them stayed, defecating and ejaculating in the water. Yet out of this soupy mess, eventually a few of these organisms slithered out of the watery mixture on too dry land.
What types of organisms were capable of making that first terrible trip from the soupy seas to dry land? Easy that, only those organisms with five major protuberances coming off their trunks (rudimentary arms, legs and noggin) were capable of making that transition. And at that time there were only maybe one or two hundred species of those type organisms. All those organisms, the one or two hundred species we are discussing; those grappling, bun hugging, entangled in the web of life species were among the original land locked potential ancestors of both people and star fish.
Then, once on land, they began the process of thinning each other out. Those were tough times. A bunch of them quit on the land and went back to the sea. Many were simply eaten and forgotten. However, one species, the people, thrived. Pretty soon the people established a situation that was fantastic for their species. For their species ate up all the other species and hardly any of the other species ever got to eat them.
Consequently, because the people easily ate all the other species without exerting much energy, and the other species were incapable of chasing or eating the people, the people grew fat and a little fatter, just like in the song featuring buckwheat cakes and Injun batter.
Yet hardly anyone notices what is lurking behind the refrigerator. Yes. Here and there another species exists side by side with the people. This species is commonly known as the fat sucker vampire.
The physical appearance of your average fat sucker vampire is slightly different from the sensational account provided in the movies. In reality, the fat sucker vampire exudes five limbs. Four of those limbs are similar to arms and legs. Thus the fat sucker can walk a pace or two and grab on this or that. But the main function of the four limbs is holding on. That’s right. With all four limbs deployed, a fat sucker can hold on for dear life while it sucks fat.
The fifth limb, also known as the noggin, provides all the senses or sense a fat sucker requires. Yes. The fifth limb is merely a highly specialized and efficient fat detecting organ. With the noggin fat detector organ displayed, a fat sucker can detect fat from as far away as, uh, forty cubits.
In its naked state or condition, the fat sucker only vaguely resembles its people host. Yet with clothes on, typically a rain coat, apron, broad-brimmed hat, scarf and rubber boots, the fat sucker can easily pass for a person. The hilarious part is, the person preyed upon by a fat sucker actually becomes ecstatic due to the presence of the vampire and often helps the vampire off with its clothes.
Due to the fairly limited range of the vampire noggin, the fat sucker must, in order to survive, stick fairly close to fat people. Where do fat people stay? Duh! Fat people stay in fat people habitat of course. That’s where C. Ovate first discovered his initial fat sucker vampire, Arby’s. But it’s like this. Once you find one fat sucker, and know what to look out for, you start finding them everywhere. Crumby has even found them in unlikely spots like Central Market. Yes. Even Central Market is home to fat suckers.
OK. There we have it. An actual, abbreviated, non-sensational account of the natural history of the famous fat sucker vampire. Is it more human, or is it more starfish? Crumby may know for sure.
posted by ray pistrum at Friday, February 05, 2010
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