Downton Abbey - a Druid Perspective

Well.  If the average dumbass figured that British imperial society between the world wars was the epitome of  what ought to be, then that theory was challenged last night.  Goodness!   Maybe the friendliest and best lady on the show got raped.  Goodness!  Mercy!

Personally,  Crumby and Ray have booked airline tickets to England.  We are fixing to beat the crap out of valet buttface before we butt**** his nasty ass, then slit his throat with a Wenger Ranger 51.  Thus, saving Master Bates the trouble.  Jeez Louise!

Yes.  There is a danger in showing sophisticated English TV to mongrel Americano audiences.  Who knows how we shall respond?

However, Ray and Crumby do enjoy sufficient smarts to realize Downton Abbey is TV, not reality.  So we did not actually book airline tickets for England.  But we shall also quit the TV show, Downton Abbey.  We were tired of that Irish panty waste, anyway.

So how could the episode  that lost us be improved upon so that Ray and Crumby might continue as viewers?  Easy that.   Anna could have blown her Wenger Matterhorn rape whistle, thus alerting everyone in the neighborhood.  But prior to the whistle-blowing scene, all the scenes featuring a flirtatious (she got what she deserved) Anna would need to be edited out.  Then to, all prior scenes featuring a super worried Master Bates, would also need to be correspondingly, edited out.

Ah.  But many may object that Downton Abbey predates the Wenger whistle tool.  Therefore, Anna could not have possessed a Matterhorn, Signal, Urban Survivor or any of the other whistle bearing multi-tools or combo-implements that are now available in new, or used (ugh) condition to the whistle-blowing public.  But like what if Dr. Who visited Downton Abbey and gave Anna a Wenger whistle?  What about that possibility?

Anna desperately,  as a last resort, to save her honor, or what's left of her honor, blows the whistle tool on the Wenger Matterhorn, given her in secret by Dr. Who.  The ear piercing shriek of the whistle freezes Mr. Green with his pants down.  Immediately, the kitchen staff comes to the rescue.   Mr. Green is pinioned to the floor.  Mrs.  Patmore sodomizes Mr. Green to death with her rolling pin.  Afterwards, worn out from her exertions, Mrs. Patmore pants wheezily to Daisy,  Daisy take this rolling pin and give it a good washing.

Meantime, Lord Grantham is fixing to get to the bottom of  how Anna got the Wenger.  Lord Grantham, of course, wants the Wenger for himself.  But Lady Grantham knows her Lord too well.  And Lady Grantham plots with Mary to allow Anna to keep the whistle.

Meantime,  Carson orders Master Bates and Barrow to tote Green's corpse out to the front lawn.  A smirking Barrow refuses to help, citing wounds suffered  in the Great War that preclude heavy lifting.  But then Molesley happens along.  So Carson orders Molesley to help Master Bates tote Green out to the lawn.

Meantime,  Carson informs Lord Gillingham that his valet, Green, has been accidentally sodomized to death by a rolling pin that rolled over from an unspecified neighboring estate, thus clearing Mrs. Patmore of evil doing.

Meantime,  Lord Gillingham demands that Lord Grantham share Master Bates since he has lost his own valet. That's three strikes against Lord Gillingham; he's engaged, he employs evildoers, and he is grasping.

Meantime, Lady Mary, smitten by Lord Gillingham, and unaware that he employs evil doers, inexplicably plots to steal Lady Edith's goofy, card shark boyfriend.  Mercy!