Cardiac Calamity

Yes. Cardiac Calamity is my ticker expert of choice. That’s right. Cardiac Calamity is a friendly health care service for the lifelong substance abuser. At Cardiac Calamity the pretty and efficient young ladies have been trained to show little or no surprise when a lifelong substance abuser provides a personal history. No. Those young ladies will never remark: Hmm, Mr. Ovate did I hear you correctly? You have been abusing tobacco and marijuana for 50 years? Or, Mr. Ovate, you should be dead! Or, Oh my Goodness, Mr. Ovate, we shall call the undertaker immediately.

No. Instead, the pretty and efficient young lady shall notice that you are nervous or miserable, and offer you a nice libation or a joint. Whatever you desire.

Before you head out to Cardiac Calamity for your initial visit, it’s OK to eat a nice crusty pork roast and a skillet of greasy corn pone all washed down with a quart of whiskey. What you eat or drink before the exam is irrelevant to the technicians and physicians at Cardiac Calamity. The fact is, they are experts at calibrating the ticker equipment to account for just those kinds of pre-examination activities. Even if you dropped acid in the lobby, that’s OK.

For example, on my first visit, the pretty and efficient young lady asked, What did you have for breakfast Mr. Ovate? I had a gallon of pralines and cream ice cream with Hershey Chocolate Topping and two quarts of Bongwater Stout. Thank you Mr. Ovate, I shall now calibrate the equipment to account for that delicious and interesting breakfast.

So if you are weary of all the bullshit you get from your cardiologist, head out to Cardiac Calamity. No appointments are necessary and no one has ever been turned away for any reason. You shall have a good time at Cardiac Calamity and so shall your ticker.