Druid News Service (DNS): News Flash - ‘Tard to Pray at White Palace
That’s right. The well-known retard, Pastor Rick, gets first grumble over the grub at the White Palace. So what’s unusual about that? Nothing at all. A ‘tard performing the first grub grumble is a tradition at the White Palace, especially lately. Yes. Getting a ‘tard to do the honors is a late tradition. But possibly also an intermittent tradition dating all the way back to, but possibly not including, the early, religiously ambivalent presidents.
That is correct. It is hard to believe that Thomas Jefferson would invite a ‘tard to do his first grub grumble. Hard to believe, but not out of the question.
Turns out, Thomas Jefferson, in common with the ‘tards of his day, was ignorant of the evolutionary processes. Why would a relatively smart fellow like Jefferson be just as ignorant as the ‘tards on such an important topic? Easy that, everybody was a ‘tard on that topic in those days. Ha! Back then, there was no Theory of Evolution. No. All there was at that time was ‘tard tradition reinforced by mass ‘tard opinion.
Yet even back in those days of blissful ignorance, there were those who practiced, even in the absence of Mendelian genetics, selective breeding. Jefferson, a cutting edge intellect of those times, probably practiced some selective breeding, personally.
OK. So maybe Jefferson’s first grub grumbler was in on the rudiments of practical animal husbandry or botanical sexuality. If so, the first grub grumbler prayer probably appealed thusly: Lord God All Mighty, we ask Thee to please make sure, that with a little help from selective breeding, the turkey breasts and English peas shall therefore increase abundantly in size, generation to generation, so that by the time our children’s children, and etc., etc., shall have need of those large turkey breasts and peas, they shall be available in jumbo economy size to all those eager hungry masses, the future offspring of our thrusting, writhing loins. Yes. So that those, our many descendants shall not go hungry, nor lack for protein that turkey breast and peas may, henceforth, always provide the righteous or paying customer. Praise Jesus! A-Men!
Yepper. That prayer at that time may have been every bit as ignorant or even way more ignorant than the artist’s perception of that particular prayer provided above as a typical example. Nevertheless, consider the possibilities for the upcoming invocation. What if, somebody, not a total ‘tard like Rev. Rick, got to give the grumble? What if like a really smart selective breeder got to give it? What if, like a genius person who knew all about sissy breeding gave the grumble?
OK. I have discovered that if I breed two homozygous sissies together, the eventual offspring, nearly every time, is also a homozygous sissy, or two, or three, or maybe a large litter made up entirely of homozygous sissies. Ha! Do you know what that means? Ha! Alas, I can see from your ‘tard expressions, you don’t. No. You have no idea. You are too retarded to understand the significance of my work. Therefore, I pray to God that you shall wise up before it is too late. Praise Jesus! A-Men.
Man Alive! Would that prayer offend a great many, or what?! But in these wicked times we probably could use a prayer that focuses on the economy. Please, please, please, God. Send Jesus back. Yes. But this time, make sure Jesus is like a banker with a solid background in accounting or maybe real estate. Then, once Jesus is back, we can turn over the miserable economy to Jesus. Jesus shall fix the miserable economy.
Praise Jesus! A-Men.
That is correct. It is hard to believe that Thomas Jefferson would invite a ‘tard to do his first grub grumble. Hard to believe, but not out of the question.
Turns out, Thomas Jefferson, in common with the ‘tards of his day, was ignorant of the evolutionary processes. Why would a relatively smart fellow like Jefferson be just as ignorant as the ‘tards on such an important topic? Easy that, everybody was a ‘tard on that topic in those days. Ha! Back then, there was no Theory of Evolution. No. All there was at that time was ‘tard tradition reinforced by mass ‘tard opinion.
Yet even back in those days of blissful ignorance, there were those who practiced, even in the absence of Mendelian genetics, selective breeding. Jefferson, a cutting edge intellect of those times, probably practiced some selective breeding, personally.
OK. So maybe Jefferson’s first grub grumbler was in on the rudiments of practical animal husbandry or botanical sexuality. If so, the first grub grumbler prayer probably appealed thusly: Lord God All Mighty, we ask Thee to please make sure, that with a little help from selective breeding, the turkey breasts and English peas shall therefore increase abundantly in size, generation to generation, so that by the time our children’s children, and etc., etc., shall have need of those large turkey breasts and peas, they shall be available in jumbo economy size to all those eager hungry masses, the future offspring of our thrusting, writhing loins. Yes. So that those, our many descendants shall not go hungry, nor lack for protein that turkey breast and peas may, henceforth, always provide the righteous or paying customer. Praise Jesus! A-Men!
Yepper. That prayer at that time may have been every bit as ignorant or even way more ignorant than the artist’s perception of that particular prayer provided above as a typical example. Nevertheless, consider the possibilities for the upcoming invocation. What if, somebody, not a total ‘tard like Rev. Rick, got to give the grumble? What if like a really smart selective breeder got to give it? What if, like a genius person who knew all about sissy breeding gave the grumble?
OK. I have discovered that if I breed two homozygous sissies together, the eventual offspring, nearly every time, is also a homozygous sissy, or two, or three, or maybe a large litter made up entirely of homozygous sissies. Ha! Do you know what that means? Ha! Alas, I can see from your ‘tard expressions, you don’t. No. You have no idea. You are too retarded to understand the significance of my work. Therefore, I pray to God that you shall wise up before it is too late. Praise Jesus! A-Men.
Man Alive! Would that prayer offend a great many, or what?! But in these wicked times we probably could use a prayer that focuses on the economy. Please, please, please, God. Send Jesus back. Yes. But this time, make sure Jesus is like a banker with a solid background in accounting or maybe real estate. Then, once Jesus is back, we can turn over the miserable economy to Jesus. Jesus shall fix the miserable economy.
Praise Jesus! A-Men.
posted by ray pistrum at Sunday, December 21, 2008
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