Crumby's Telescope Tomfoolery Notes - Pie in the Sky, II

To the naked eye plus spectacles the night sky appeared promising last night. But upon closer inspection with high-powered additional visual aids, the many celestial wonders proved visually elusive. Invisible forces in the upper atmosphere of our tiny globe that most of us share with varying degrees of enthusiasm must have been furiously engaged. For despite the Steady Hand on the Great Red Tube, nought would come to focus. For example, we could only espy four stars in the Great Orion Nebula, not six. And Meissa looked like a bowtie from Hades.

Yep, the invisible forces of the upper atmosphere must have been ripping around like maniacs, whipping up germs and other tiny particles to all the upper levels of the atmosphere. Then the far off stars, shining their kindly light my way, had their kindly light diffused by all those germs whipped up into the upper atmosphere.

Work and pray, live on hay, you'll get pie in the sky, when you die.

So Joe Hill satirized the great Christian dilemma. “Mercy! We Christians can't keep telling these proletarians they'll get some pie when they die. We need to promise them some pie now.” Thus, was born again the Mammonite branch of the Christian church. Actually, the Demon Mammon had previously had some influence with the various churches, but a new interpretation of the Bible was needed to provide a common sense scriptural basis for Mammonite Christianity.

The church leaders thought and thought. They brainstormed. They encountered one another in sessions. They powered through many lunches together. They learned to read each others facial expressions and body language. But alas, upon a time they all despaired of a solution to the dilemma. So one cried out, "Let us go out into the wilderness, even as Elijah went out into the wilderness, and while we are suffering in the wilderness, maybe an angel will explain something to us. Or perhaps Elijah himself shall come to us."

All the church leaders agreed that this was a great idea. They would all go to a nice enviropreneur camp and learn what to do about the dilemma from an angel or Elijah dressed up as an angel. Off they all went.

Mercy! First thing at enviropreneur camp they had to suffer through a ropes course. That ropes course, in terms of suffering, was like what Elijah went through for 40 days and nights, but condensed into 40 minutes. But at the end of it, all the church leaders realized what they could accomplish if they all worked together as a team instead of going it alone, maybe. Then the stern but kindly enviropreneur camp counselor who had provided stern but kindly instructions to the church leaders so that they might learn teamwork, spoke to the born again team player church leaders.

Here you are. The terrible wilderness surrounds you. Who knows what hideous beasts and poisonous fruits lurk nearby? The nearest convenience store is at least two miles away. The plumbing in the cabins could go off line any minute. Yet you have braved the ropes course together, putting all these evils out of your minds so that you might learn teamwork. And believe me, you are one of the best teams I have ever counseled, the best, maybe.

The stern but kindly words of the enviropreneur camp counselor seemed agreeable to the noggins of the born again team players. “Perhaps this is the one we seek, the very angel, in the guise of our enviropreneur camp counselor, that shall solve our dilemma,” they brainstormed.

Yep. They had found their angel, all righty then. For the enviropreneur camp counselor was actually the Demon Mammon, not merely Elijah, dressed up as an angel. And the Demon Mammon saw into the hearts of the team players and felt sorry for them and had pity for them and determined then and there that he would help them with their dilemma.

By now you may have probably forgotten what the dilemma is so I shall remind you. The dilemma is, How do we get the pie here and not just there, maybe?

So the Demon Mammon instructed the church leaders thusly:

Team players, use your common sense. God meant for you to have all this stuff. Right! Why would he put it here if he didn’t want you all, created in his image, to have it and use it up? Obviously, God wants you to multiply yourself and acquire all the stuff, then use everything up and once you use all that up, he will provide more. All you have to do is follow instructions, like multiply yourself, acquire stuff, and use stuff up as fast as you can, and the ones that do that shall have more provided to them, more stuff provided exponentially in fact, because they are just following God’s orders. Right! That’s common sense. Plus, all that’s clearly stated in the Bible which, as we all know, is how God communicates with us indirectly, by having his advice written in the Bible.

Now some of you may be doubting Thomases about all this because there may be some passages you have read in the Bible, or heard about, that don’t seem to agree with your common sense modern notions of property rights and personal safety. But use your common sense and you’ll realize that those passages were put in the Bible by God to test you. Ha! How could turning the other cheek or giving the shirt off your back possibly help you multiply yourself or acquire more stuff? Your common sense answers that question for you, doesn’t it! Yep. All those passages are God’s tests to see if you have wicked tendencies that might interfere with God’s real work that he has cut out for you. Plus, look what happens to the wicked ones who are deceived on those tests. Consider them with your common sense. They’re just suckers. Right! Dopey, whiney failures that flunked one or another of God’s tests.

Now that you are reassured of God's plan for you, and have a solid scriptural basis for your personal beliefs, and because you are team players, there's no reason you shouldn't take over the government. Take over the government and use the government to help you acquire all the stuff you need to carry out God's plan. See! All this is just common sense.

All righty then. Now that I have solved the dilemma all you team players were fretting over, I have one more agenda item to discuss with you. Most of you are sleeping over at enviropreneur camp tonight. Due to a funding shortfall that is entirely the fault of the dopey suckers and failures dragging down the economy, all of you will have to share rooms. To help prevent those rare instances of heterosexual fornication that might occur, you will partner up with a same sex partner. You all know what that potentially means. Ask God to help you with that if you have a problem. Also, I should remind you that going blind in the wilderness is a bad thing. So please recall Onan’s Limit. Finally, we have installed secret camera devices that can usually detect devious sexual activities that most of you would regret seeing yourself doing on the monitors in the lobby tomorrow.