Druid News Service, Newsflash!!!! Is There an Intergalactic Terror Connection?

Oh my goodness! We’re all going to have our property rights taken away! Yes that’s right. This is Ace Reporter, Ms. Hope Remains. I’m standing outside one of Minister Chitlin’s secret locations, blind-folded. All of us members of the generic Media Liberal have been brought here to this location blind-folded, so that we will be incapable of later revealing the location of this particular secret hideout. Goodness gracious sakes! I may be the only member of the press corps assembled blind-folded at this secret location that can actually understand this encrypted message. I may have a totally exclusive scoop. Goodness!

Yes, Minister Chitlin has sent us all out copies of an encrypted message, but the message is in braille and is spelled out in Pig Latin. Only I, among the assembled throng of reporters shall be capable of informing you home viewers upon the contents of this important, yet tragic, coded message. Because I, Ms. Hope Remains, am skilled at reading braille and thoroughly conversant in Pig Latin as well. Hold on a jiffy. Let me finger the coded message one more time before I share its import with you, the home audience. Goodness! Goodness! Goodness gracious! Yikes!! Goodness! All righty then. I’m all set.

His Majesty, the Minister Chitlin, says he’s not sorry to see us all standing out here blind-folded and attempting to decode his message because we are all a bunch of traitors who deserve to be tortured. However, the Minister Chitlin goes on to spell that he has acquired some brand new intelligence from an impeccable source that proves conclusively that space aliens are aiding the worldwide terrorist or fascist- terrorist movement. Specifically, he knows for sure that hideous aliens are headed this way from their home base near Nebde Aitoska. Hmmm. Make that Deneb Kaitos. Sorry.

Anyway, the hideous aliens have great big space ships. Minister Chitlin spells, You fools think you’re so smart, making jokes about how the terrorists are going to get transported to the Homeland and take away our property rights. Well now, as you blind-folded fools can see, maybe, they shall be arriving soon, delivered into our midst, hoards of savage bloody thirsty terrorists hungering for our property and women, swarming out of huge alien spaceships into the defenseless Homeland. They actually have modern weapons too, ray guns the aliens gave them and goggles that allow those terrorists to see through our clothes and into our liquor cabinets.

However, I, Minister Chitlin may decide to save you from this certain menace. I can use my brain waves, which are attuned to the engines of the alien spacecraft, to make those engines rev up so much they explode. Then you shall all be saved if I do that. But I will only do that if you all vote Republican in the upcoming election. If you don’t vote Republican, the terrorist fascist-terrorist evil foreigners, aided by their space alien Deneb Kaitosian allies, will get you and your property for sure. Better do what I say. Signed, His Majesty, Minister Chitlin.

Goodness gracious sakes alive!!!! That’s the end of the Minister Chitlin’s message. Home viewers, I’m not sure what’s happening now, but I think they’re herding us all back into the press buses. Merciful heavens! I’m all right, Ray, sugar. But if you don’t see me on the six o’clock, come find me.