Ray’s Thought for the Day - The Diurnal Patterns of Pants

What’s the part of your hide that is darkest? Easy that, the part that gets the most exposure to Ogma’s fickle rays. On me, that part is the northerly expression of my buttocks.

During the day, cotton pants expand, responding to the heat and friction of the environment. Your belly also expands from the same causes, but not as much as your pants. The effect is that your pants want to head south. This situation may be easily rectified by a belt, sufficiently adjustable, that may be cinched up to nullify the pants expansion. Then, properly cinched up, your middle parts are like getting hung.

The scientific name for this cinched up condition is bowel strangling. Bowel strangling can stove up your bowels so that normal progress can not occur via your bowels due to the tightness of your belt. Bowel strangling is fairly dangerous because you want normal progress to take place through your bowels at all times.

Suspenders may be substituted for a belt. Yet, for the very active person, suspenders are troublesome. Your shirt, under the suspenders, tends to want to hike north due to the friction the suspenders apply to your shirt, maybe. Pretty soon most of your shirt is bunched up between your shoulders.

Then there are pants with built in belts, known in the garment trade as hemi-belts. These dang belts are sewn to the pants at the factory. I have two pairs of these particular type pants. Both pairs are defective. They are defective because the hemi-belts are not sufficiently adjustable to account for the normal diurnal expansion of the rest of the pants. Those hemi-belts, cinched to the max, allow those pants to head south, Greyhound like.

Keep a hand on yer pants Ray, there’s ladies and children on site!