A Behind the Scenes Look at US Culture Today

Rayetta. I know you’re really busy. But I could use some help with this.

Hope honey, any girl friend of Ray’s that can keep Ray distracted and out of trouble can get my help any time. What’s up?

Well Rayetta, the Media Liberal is all over this story about the relationship between fatter drivers and gas mileage for Goddess Sakes. And well, you know how the DNS has to compete with the Media Liberal for viewers. Goodness gracious. And now I’m supposed to do a special on fat motorists and gas mileage. What’s the news in that for goodness sakes?

Yep. This is a good example of why I got out of the news business. Well bless your heart. Let’s see what we can come up with that might not be too exasperating. Hmmm. I have an idea, maybe.

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The Six O'Clock News, In the Homeland


Hello viewers at home in the Homeland. This is Ms. Hope Remains, Ace Reporter for the DNS, with yet another intermittent episode of US Culture Today. Recently, our competitors in the Media Liberal discovered that the more mass you load into your personal vehicle, the worse your gas mileage will be. Goodness gracious sakes alive! What a remarkable discovery that is, ho-hum. Guess what? If you are the proud parents of fatter baby triplets and as an immediate consequence you now own the Triplet Tubby Tots Car Seat, your gas mileage is headed south. How about that?

But what’s the flip side of the mass versus mileage coin? Let’s flip it over and see. Today’s special guest is the well-known radio talk show host, Mr. Lush Rimjob. Mr. Rimjob, please explain to the viewers at home, in your own words, what happened to you because you were fretting about transporting excess poundage in your personal vehicle.

Ahem. Thank you Ms. Remains. Yes, as the viewers at home in this wonderful Homeland of ours can see for a change, given that they can’t see me in my usual media venue, but they may notice that since I’m on TV right now, that I am a robust man of large size. So it’s no wonder that I was disgusted by the Media Liberal’s lame attempt to make me feel guilty about gas mileage. Perhaps the Media Liberal would like it if I shook around like I was pretending to have Parkinson’s Disease. All that shaking around would take the weight off. The Media Liberal would like that. They always like that kind of phony behavior.

But anyway, the constant carping of the Media Liberal about this and that must have gotten to my sub-conscious because here I go driving along and I’m trying to help others like I always do. You know, help others that are less fortunate than me. So I’m driving along looking for someone to help and there’s this big fat guy standing on the road shoulder with his thumb out. But down the road a little further along I see a petite young lady with her thumb stuck out.

Now here’s where I went all wrong in my thinking due to the pressure the Media Liberal constantly exerts on me. I thought to myself, Lush, if you pick that fat boy up, your gas mileage will go down dramatically. But if you pick up that petite young lady, you will still do some good in the world and your gas mileage won’t suffer as much. So I picked up the petite young lady, pressured you understand, to pick her up instead of the fat boy by the Media Liberal. You know, all those sinister liberal innuendoes eventually can get under even my thick skin.

So I’m riding along with this young lady and I happen to notice how trim she is. So I say, you are certainly a trim young lady. How do you keep your figure so trim? And she says, prescription diet pills, would like to buy some?

Now again, here I am worried about my weight solely because I am constantly subject to personal attacks by members of the Media Liberal. So in a weak moment and without considering all the possibilities and mostly just to help this young lady out, I purchase a few thousand dollars worth of the pills.

But of course, as you might suspect, this young lady turns out to be an undercover policewoman the Democrats secretly put out on the road that day. As anyone with common sense would suspect, the democrats and liberals have studied my comings and goings so that they pretty well knew I’d be going that way that day. In fact, I have proof that the judge in that area is a liberal democrat.

So Ms. Remains, and you home viewers in our Homeland can see, I hope, that the moral of all this is that you should stick to your principles and not worry about your gas mileage or any of that other liberal claptrap.

Goodness gracious sakes, Mr. Rimjob. Are you going to jail for purchasing those drugs?

No, Ms. Remains, Fortunately I’m not. So long as certain friends of mine, I won’t name any names, but certain friends of mine have provided me with a get out of jail free card because they are aware of all the temptations the liberals strew in my path and the constant pressure I am constantly under due to the constant personal attacks on me and the constant sinister innuendoes. So I have a get out of jail free card.

Well all righty for you then, Mr. Rimjob. And thanks for sharing your side of the mass versus mileage coin with US. That’s all the time we have today, but join me, Ms. Hope Remains, Ace Reporter, for the next intermittent episode of US Culture Today. Bye now and watch out for the Wicker Man!!!!