Magnus Debates the Ominous Darkness

Magnus’s return journey to the sacrifice mall would have been impossible for most. Owls, bats and midges filled the airways, hooting , flapping and whining. Giants, ogres, hump backs, black men, green men, etc., of every description and possible kind lurked behind every shrub or bush, or startled by Magnus’s passage, crashed about, mumbling to themselves. Occasionally, Magnus was tempted by an alluring succubus. The tree crickets chirped, the night birds cried. Small mammals humped Magnus on his legs, if Magnus suffered them to do so.

If I keep stopping every time I need to make a mental note on all this nightlife, I may not ever get home. So Magnus, guided by our friendly guide star, Polaris, determined to stop only for exceptionally interesting nightlife, as opposed to all of it. After that decision was made, Magnus made better progress and his legs got humped less.

On journeyed Magnus. For a while, Magnus detected nothing knew. This is all the same stuff. But then, of a sudden, an ominous darkness appeared before Magnus. Not only that, Polaris, our friendly guide star, was swallowed up by the ominous darkness. The ominous darkness appeared thus to Magnus. It was about a double wide times four with bristles on top.

Then the ominous darkness spake to Magnus.

By the Triplet Goddess, you are the just about the ugliest little boy I have espied, ever. (The ominous darkness, nocturnal by nature, could see better in the dark than Magnus).

Yeah but, pretty is as pretty does. Besides, ominous darkness, you need to stop that cussing.

Oh, I do, do I?

Yepper. The Druids spell that the Triplet Goddess despises a cussy tongue.

Yeah but, what would you say if I told you that I am the most important of all the Triplet Goddess’ pets? Do you surmise then, little ugly one of the bad manners, that I might get to cuss whenever I feel like it? Besides, I wasn’t cussing.

Yes, you were!

No, I wasn’t!!

Long the twain of them, both Magnus and the ominous darkness debated the question, Is swearing by the Triplet Goddess, cussing? The debate was long. The tide turned many times. Magnus, knew the Druid Law referencing the topic, backwards and forwards. Yet, the ominous darkness got personal ear scratches and treats from the Blessed Hands of the Triplet Goddess.

Anon, the east reddened. Up, arose fickle Ogma Sunface, ever the bane of nocturnal debaters. Anon, Ogma’s fickle light reflected upon the ominous darkness, so that the ominous darkness reflected that light unto the eyes of Magnus.

Sir. You are a great pig. I have spent the night, debating, a great pig.

So you have. And I have spent the night, debating, an ugly little boy.

The debate was a draw.

What’s your name, ugly little boy?

The Druid Law is, Don’t tell your name to strangers.

Fair enough, then I shall tell you my name. Then, we won’t be strangers, so you may then, tell me your name.

All righty then. What is your name, great pig?

Twrch Twryth is my name.

That is a mighty fine twain name, Twrch Trwyth. I, alas, am a little orphan bastard, with no real name, yet the Druids have long hollered Magnus at me. So, to keep from getting beat, I answer to that, Magnus.

Then the greatest heart of the greatest swine ever, Twrch Twryth, was afflicted with the fourth greatest sadness that had ever afflicted that great heart. Tears welled in Twrch Trwyth’s beady eyes. The mighty Twrch Trwyth’s shook his head to slosh away the surface layer of that well of tears. Then, Twrch Trwyth snorted. So mighty was that snort that little Magnus was blown over backwards, plus, covered head to toe in pig snot.

Yikes! Mercy! Cried out, Magnus. Are you fixing to drown me and eat me?

No, no, no Magnus. I am not fixing to drown you and eat you. Sorry about that. There you go. Get some leaves and wipe yourself off. There now. Wipe all that off your little ugly face.

While Magnus wiped most of the pig snot off, Twrch Twryth swanned.

I’ll swan. No, Magnus, I am not fixing to eat you, I am fixing to be your friend and help you. You don’t remember, Magnus, but when you were littler and totally unable to protect yourself, everyone was fixing to sacrifice you. But the Druids refused to sacrifice you on account of how ugly you are. There you were hung up in a gunny sack in the fork of an Alder. Those Druids might have left you there, helpless. Yet Bran, for whom Bran Flakes are named, spake to the Druids, commanding those Druids to adopt you. So those Druids, fearing the wrath of Bran, took you in. There you have labored, at the sacrificial mall, ever since. Yet you are one of Bran’s, as the Talking Head foretold, you, Magnus are one of his, a Bran Flake. Bran the Blessed sent me, Twrch Trwyth, to root you out.

Magnus was mighty interested, hearing all this new information pertinent to his life history. Plus, Magnus wondered just what kind of help he could expect from a giant pig like Twrch Trwyth. Anon, Magnus was fixing to learn just how helpful Twrch Trwyth could be.

Magnus, would you like to go for a piggy-back ride?

What’s a piggy-back ride?

Those Druids never took you for a piggy-back ride?

Noper.

Well then, you are fixing to get your first piggy-back ride.

Then Twrch Trwyth explained to Magnus the proper procedure for climbing up to the very tip top of his, Twrch Trwyth's hump, which Magnus speedily accomplished. There Magnus sat, atop Twrch Twryth, the mightiest height in those parts. Magnus could espy a far piece in every direction. This is great, hollered Magnus. Yet, as Bran had foretold, Magnus, not for the last time, would rise to great heights.

Off they went, the twain of them, Magnus upon the hump of Twrch Twryth.

Where are we headed?

The WG Bar and Grill. We’ll eat and drink our fill. Plus, you could stand some cleaning up, Magnus.

All righty then.
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