Magnus Magnetico

As almost everyone knows, levitation is a commercially important trick, generally attributed to practitioners of the dark arts. A person that can levitate, can charge admission. Simultaneously, those who can not levitate, for example, practitioners of the missionary art, have long sought to debunk the claims of the dark artiste, the necromancer.

Once upon a time there occurred a time now referenced as the Iron Age. Nobody called it that then, but now some do, call it that. The discovery of iron, that the Iron Age was named for, made levitation a theoretical possibility.

Magnus Magnetico, the necromancer, was the first to employ iron in his necromancy, right after he accidentally discovered that a magnet would attract iron, vertically, even partially suspending the Force of Upup (Ooopoop). Magnus first thought, upon discovering this fact of life, was, I shall be rich, rich beyond my wildest dreams. Everyone shall flock to see me, Magnus, hang in the air, suspended only by an invisible and incomprehensible force or power. I shall charge admission.

But before all that could transpire, Magnus needed to figure some stuff out. Magnus, whose name was not actually, Magnus, or Magnetico either, came upon this plane of this world, an ugly baby; a little, scrawny, nasty, squirmy, wormy bastard, stretching the saying, They’re cute when they’re little. Even so, despite his ugliness, baby Magnus preferred to call attention to himself, howling his head off.

His nose and his bowels run a constant, exclaimed everyone. Plus he never stops that howling. That one should be sacrificed to Gog and Magog, so that we should have better harvests. But when everyone took Baby Magnus off to the sacrificial mall, to sacrifice him, the Druids at the sacrificial mall exclaimed, Nay, we shall not sacrifice this one. The harvests would get worse.

Then everyone that had brought baby Magnus to the mall, cursed Baby Magnus, and they all hollered things like, We don’t want this little bastard. You take him. You Druids need to adopt this hideous baby. Then also, as they all got more and more excited, everyone disclaimed upon the Druids. You Druids are lazy. You don’t do any honest work like we do. You should take this baby. He’s your fault.

Pretty soon everyone got so agitated, the Druids feared that everyone would lay hands upon them. This will not do, muttered all the Druids. So then the Druids smote everyone upon their noggins so that everyone was knocked sillier. Once everyone was knocked sillier, the female Druids, known as Druidesses, picked out all the loudest and most rowdy males, everyone from the crowd, and the male Druids picked out all the same type ladies from the same crowd. Then the Druids herded all those loudmouths into a Wicker Man. Watch this, foretold the Druids. Everyone watched as the loudmouths went up in smoke. Everyone exclaimed, They got what they deserved. Then everyone went home.

Thus the power of the Druids at the sacrificial mall was restored and the crops got better. Meantime, baby Magnus, was hung up inside a burlap bag, suspended in the fork of an Alder, howling his head off. That particular Alder is neat because, as everyone knows, the Alder is the personal tree of Bran the Blessed. And Bran, unlike everyone else, could understand what baby Magnus was howling his fool head off about. Plus, Bran could howl in the same language as Baby Magnus. Soon, Bran, disguised as a tree, combined his howls with the howls of Baby Magnus. The howling was terrible. Even the Druids could not abide that howling for long so that even they cast themselves down upon the earth and filled their ears with dirt. But even so, they could still hear most of the nearby howling.

What are you howling about, Baby Magnus?

Everything!!!!

Fair enough, what if I fixed everything, all except your surpassing ugliness?

Why not make me pretty, too?

Because, pretty is, as pretty does.

All righty then.

So then Bran stuck a carrot up baby Magnus’s ass, stuck a crab apple in his mouth, and stuffed English peas into Magnus’ trills. In two shakes of a lambs tail, Magnus was cured of howling, runny nose, and diarrhea. Moreover, even after Bran extracted all the fruits and vegetables, Magnus, was still cured of those afflictions. But he was still ugly.

There now. You are one of mine, Magnus. Those Druids shall adopt you after all. And you shall one day, despite your ugliness, rise to great heights.

All righty then.

That is how Magnus came to be adopted by the Druids at the sacrificial mall.