Magnus is Attacked by Ancient Romans, Part 1

Remember, just before Magnus acquired his busboy position at the WG Bar and Grill, Magnus had chanced upon a Dolmen located on a craggy hilltop in close proximity to Child Molester Village. Unbeknownst to Magnus, at the time of that visit, that Dolmen was actually the globe’s most powerful magnet. By the time Magnus was fixing to visit that Dolmen again, that Dolmen was still highly magnetic. But it had lost some of its magnetic power, relatively speaking. Yes. At the time of Magnus’s second visit, that Dolmen was the globe’s second most powerful magnet due to the process known as natural de-magnetism or maybe because there was another magnet slightly more powerful than Magnus’s magnet. Still, though it was only the globes’s second most powerful magnet, or the penultimate most powerful magnet, unbeknownst to Magnus, it was still a very powerful magnet.

The occasion for Magnus second visit to the magnetic Dolmen is thus: One of Twrch Trwyth’s jobs is to strike terror into the hearts of mere mortals. To accomplish all that, Twrch Trwyth wanders about the countryside, afflicting the people. Sometimes he east up all the people’s corn or peanuts. Sometimes he eats a few of the people’s cows. Sometimes he roots up a domicile or two and eats the people.

Responding to the depredations, the people call upon the King to come and chase Twrch Trwyth off. Yes. The people send a representative to the King. My Lord, I represent the people of Child Molester Village. The great pig, Twrch Trwyth is fixing to afflict us, maybe. You must save us from that pig. Surely, if you save us not, we shall all perish.

If the king is a good king, at that very nonce, he assembles his better knights and sends them off to counter the depredations of Twrch Trwyth. If he is a great king, he leads his better knights into battle, personally, emulating King Arthur. Or, as it so happens, if the king is neither good nor great, that sorry excuse for a king informs the representative of Child Molester Village as follows: You are a mere peasant. Correct me if I am wrong, at your peril, but since you are a mere peasant, inhabiting you own bucolic village, should not you show some initiative in terms of local control or state’s right or somewhat other along those lines. In short, peasant, you need to settle up with that mere pig, locally. This is not a federal issue. Next!

Forlornly, the representative from Child Molester Village departs from the relative safety of the White Palace. What shall I tell everybody at home now? Boo-hoo. I have totally failed as a representative. But it is not my fault. I did the best I could. But what shall I tell my people? I need to make up something positive to tell my people.

Yes. The representative begins to think seriously about what positive lies he can tell the people. Anon, the representative is so seriously immersed in positive thoughts and solutions that the representative does not notice the great pig, big as four double wides. Yes. The representative of Child Molester Village is thinking so hard and so positively that the cries arising from the White Palace, the bugles blaring, the alarm bells clanging, go ignored.

Whuff! Smack- Smack!.

Jeez Louise!, Twrch Trwyth. You shouldn’t eat people up so close to the White Palace. You will have the Kinglet down on you, or us, by association.

Fret not, Magnus. I am a card carrying member of PETP, Pigs Eating Tasty People. Besides one of my jobs is, strike fear into the mere mortal persons. So what for that Kinglet! Do you see him out and about, serving and protecting anyone? Course not. Whuff.

Nevertheless, Twrch, all that racket over yonder is making me nervous. I think we should go somewhere else. Like maybe we could go visit my Dolmen. That’s it. Let’s go visit my Dolmen.

All righty then, Magnus. That’s a good idea. I feel like your Dolmen may be part and parcel of your destiny. So we shall go visit that Dolmen. But first I feel an urge upon me. That urge is to squeal to high heaven. Cover your ears, Magnus.

Magnus wisely covers his ears as the mighty Twrch Trwyth squeals to high heaven. The squeal to high heaven that Twrch Trwyth emits is of such a high frequency that the bells and bugles, clanging and bugling over at the White Palace, and constructed from materials obtained through a no-bid contract, vibrate so violently that they all burst asunder. After that squeal, you could hear a pin drop in those parts, if you could hear anything. That squeal made history.

Off they go, the twain companions. They head off in the general direction of Magnus’s Dolmen and the adjacent Child Molester Village, where Magnus’s destiny may await.