Ray and CrumbyTeam Up on a Special Movie Review - Braveheart

Movie reviews are one of our specialties. But we don’t do them very often. If we did them often, they would not be so special. This one makes about four. Uh. We may have done this particular movie, twice.

Mel Gibson is what is known as a ham. Many eat ham. But the question arises, do many more eat ham, or do many more, like Crumby’s inner ape, eat bananas? Yet that question may be impossible to answer.

Braveheart the movie, as everyone that has seen it may know, is set in Scotland. At that time, progress was slow as indicated by the blue facial paint. However, the blue facial paint used in the movie, washed off. Dye from woad does not wash off so easily. So much for the most interesting part.

The next most interesting part after the water soluble blue paint, is the freedom opinion. The freedom opinion, eloquently and emotionally expressed in the movie, goes something like: It is better to be oppressed by our own nobles, than be oppressed by English nobles. Furthermore, in the movie that seems obvious, because the Scots nobles do nothing but talk, while the English nobles get to rape all the Scot peasant ladies, chop the Scot peasants up generally, then burn the village.

A great many of the movie Scots, perhaps a tousand or two tousand, are persuaded to rebellion, preferring we guess, getting talked to death over the alternative. Yes. It is better to get talked to death, while you slowly starve, than to have yourself pillaged and burned. But before you can get yourself to that preferable status, you must first, fight the English. So that is what the Scots peasants do in the movie, fight the English while the Scots nobles talk.

Since the freedom opinion in the movie is presented as an emotion, rather than an idea, Crumby and me decided that bananas are the same difference as freedom in the context of Braveheart.

In our version, William Wallace hassles his countrymen thusly: What will you do without bananas? Will you fight?

No. We will run. And eat hagus.

Yes. You will run. And you will eat hagus. And dying in your beds, many years from now, what would you give for just one taste, just one taste, of a banana smoothie.

The actual history of those times in those parts is poorly reflected in the movie, Braveheart. What was actually going on historically was the Ark Druid had sailed or maybe rowed into Edinburgh harbor bringing the gift of bananas to the Scots.

All the Scots assembled at Edinburgh to receive their free bananas.

OK, proclaimed the Ark Druid. Line up, nobles first. Everyone shall receive a free taste of these delicious bananas. Then after most of you have gotten a free taste, I shall explain to everyone how to take care of the banana trees I have brought you. Once I have explained all that, you shall be qualified to take care of these banana trees even in this cold climate. Then every one of you shall enjoy delicious bananas from now on.

Anon, the Ark Druid, having successfully introduced bananas to the Scots and vice versa, rowed or sailed off, leaving the Scots to squabble over the disposition of the banana trees.

Yet times in those parts were evil times. To the south, King Edward heard tell that the Scots had received a shipment of banana trees. It is not fair, King Edward hollered. How come those Scots got bananas? Where are my bananas? Yes, we have no bananas!

So King Edward eventually sent his whole minion army north to rustle the bananas. Thus we come full circle in our movie review of Braveheart.

Full Circle!!!!

Here’s an example of why bananas are so important. What would this bumblebee flower beetle (Euphoria inda) do, without bananas?


Electropictoid credit: C.H.T. Ovate