Crumby and the Great Boar
Yepper. The dark and sinister ovate, me, is in good shape. Why, if I wanted to, I could perform three fifties of push ups, right now, eventually.
Perhaps you have heard of Twrch Trwryth, the fierce boar of Britain. The hairs off that particular pig are highly prized. Those hairs have the tensile strength of a #5 Samurai sword, yet are so delicate, the famous artist, Hineyho, uses them to paint gnats’ bottoms. Yepper, I have seen those paintings in the gallery down town. Those gnats’ bottoms are subatomic, yet the detail is meticulous, like detail should be.
The drawback to using Twrch Trwryth hairs for refined art is getting those hairs away from him. He does not like for people to pull his hairs off. A tousand or maybe two tousand famous artists plus some beginners have actually perished while attempting to pull hairs off that particular fierce, yet immortal, pig. No telling what those beginners could have accomplished, if Twrch Trwryth had spared their short, miserable lives.
Yepper. Twrch Trwryth is equipped with great tusks. The tops of those tusks are pearly white. The tips twinkle like stars. Big stars. Close stars. Yet the lower parts of those tusks, near the gums, are yellow. Those tusks measure a great many cubits in length. Then also, Twrch Trwryth is equipped with cloven hooves. Yes. Cloven hooves, we all know what that means. That means a full grown Druid Ovate, such as me, Crumby, could easily stand upright in the clove of one of Twrch Trwryth’s hooves, if I dared. Actually, I do dare. As soon as I get my camera fixed, I am fixing to take a picture of myself standing fully upright in the clove of one of Twrch Trwryth’s hooves. Probably, I shall want that to be the rear left clove. Then, once I am situated inside that canyon-like clove, I shall use the remote squirter to trigger the camera and take my picture.
Yet even so, I dasn’t try to sneak off with a hair or two fer trade. I have ovated over that. If I did that, Twrch Trwryth might sit on me, or even lay down on me and waller around. I have foreseen that possibility. Yikes! No, we don’t what that. That’s because Twrch Trwryth is four times as big as a double wide. He would squash me and never know the difference. Plus, his nasty old weenie might rub on me. Gadzooks and Mercy on Me.!
For those of you culturally deprived ignoramuses that have never espied a pig weenie, I shall now describe for you, the marvelous pig weenie of Twrch Trwryth. It is pink. Sheathed in its sheath, it is sheathed. Yet out in the open it is a marvel to behold. Long it is, yet slender and delicate. How long is it? No one knows. For even King Arthur was scared. Yes, scared out of his wits when his Druids suggested that he should personally measure Twrch Trwryth’s pig weenie. Ha! Those Cymric Druids have a great sense of humor, all righty then.
Many have drowned or smothered from encountering an emission from Twrch Trwryth’s weenie. Yet also, his droppings, are perilous. Yes, they are. One of Badgemagus’s, or maybe it was one of Ray’s cousins, I think it was Dillus the Bearded, maybe, was fooling around out in the front yard. All of a sudden he espied Twrch Trwryth headed his way at a dead run. Pigs can run mighty fast. So Dillus hopped into the house, pronto. But then, Twrch Trwryth took a dump, right in the doorway. Finally, Dillus’ great grand daughter, Ivy, many years later, managed to dig out. That’s how magnificent, yet perilous, one of Twrch Trwryth’s dumps, is. Three of Dillus’s generations perished, trapped in the house by that fourth most famous historical dump of all times. Yet, Ivy the Persistent, dug herself out. How about that! “Yer gonna need an ocean, of calumine lotion.”
So all those examples are just a few indications of how come Twrch Trwryth is perilous. Seek the hairs of Twrch Trwryth at yer own risk, artistes. But not me. I, Crumby Ovate, have resolved upon mine own nose as an adequate substitute. Yes. I shall pluck forth or clip off mine own nose hairs as a substitute for Twrch Trwryth’s hairs . My nose hairs are less perilous. Yet, they are hard, hard to cut. I must seek out shears. Yes, proper, perhaps even magical shears, for to clip off the nose hairs of a dark and sinister ovate, me.
Hold it! My depressed and miserable Sun God Trainee bosom companion is forlorn. Check the gauge, Ray. Check the gauge.
Perhaps you have heard of Twrch Trwryth, the fierce boar of Britain. The hairs off that particular pig are highly prized. Those hairs have the tensile strength of a #5 Samurai sword, yet are so delicate, the famous artist, Hineyho, uses them to paint gnats’ bottoms. Yepper, I have seen those paintings in the gallery down town. Those gnats’ bottoms are subatomic, yet the detail is meticulous, like detail should be.
The drawback to using Twrch Trwryth hairs for refined art is getting those hairs away from him. He does not like for people to pull his hairs off. A tousand or maybe two tousand famous artists plus some beginners have actually perished while attempting to pull hairs off that particular fierce, yet immortal, pig. No telling what those beginners could have accomplished, if Twrch Trwryth had spared their short, miserable lives.
Yepper. Twrch Trwryth is equipped with great tusks. The tops of those tusks are pearly white. The tips twinkle like stars. Big stars. Close stars. Yet the lower parts of those tusks, near the gums, are yellow. Those tusks measure a great many cubits in length. Then also, Twrch Trwryth is equipped with cloven hooves. Yes. Cloven hooves, we all know what that means. That means a full grown Druid Ovate, such as me, Crumby, could easily stand upright in the clove of one of Twrch Trwryth’s hooves, if I dared. Actually, I do dare. As soon as I get my camera fixed, I am fixing to take a picture of myself standing fully upright in the clove of one of Twrch Trwryth’s hooves. Probably, I shall want that to be the rear left clove. Then, once I am situated inside that canyon-like clove, I shall use the remote squirter to trigger the camera and take my picture.
Yet even so, I dasn’t try to sneak off with a hair or two fer trade. I have ovated over that. If I did that, Twrch Trwryth might sit on me, or even lay down on me and waller around. I have foreseen that possibility. Yikes! No, we don’t what that. That’s because Twrch Trwryth is four times as big as a double wide. He would squash me and never know the difference. Plus, his nasty old weenie might rub on me. Gadzooks and Mercy on Me.!
For those of you culturally deprived ignoramuses that have never espied a pig weenie, I shall now describe for you, the marvelous pig weenie of Twrch Trwryth. It is pink. Sheathed in its sheath, it is sheathed. Yet out in the open it is a marvel to behold. Long it is, yet slender and delicate. How long is it? No one knows. For even King Arthur was scared. Yes, scared out of his wits when his Druids suggested that he should personally measure Twrch Trwryth’s pig weenie. Ha! Those Cymric Druids have a great sense of humor, all righty then.
Many have drowned or smothered from encountering an emission from Twrch Trwryth’s weenie. Yet also, his droppings, are perilous. Yes, they are. One of Badgemagus’s, or maybe it was one of Ray’s cousins, I think it was Dillus the Bearded, maybe, was fooling around out in the front yard. All of a sudden he espied Twrch Trwryth headed his way at a dead run. Pigs can run mighty fast. So Dillus hopped into the house, pronto. But then, Twrch Trwryth took a dump, right in the doorway. Finally, Dillus’ great grand daughter, Ivy, many years later, managed to dig out. That’s how magnificent, yet perilous, one of Twrch Trwryth’s dumps, is. Three of Dillus’s generations perished, trapped in the house by that fourth most famous historical dump of all times. Yet, Ivy the Persistent, dug herself out. How about that! “Yer gonna need an ocean, of calumine lotion.”
So all those examples are just a few indications of how come Twrch Trwryth is perilous. Seek the hairs of Twrch Trwryth at yer own risk, artistes. But not me. I, Crumby Ovate, have resolved upon mine own nose as an adequate substitute. Yes. I shall pluck forth or clip off mine own nose hairs as a substitute for Twrch Trwryth’s hairs . My nose hairs are less perilous. Yet, they are hard, hard to cut. I must seek out shears. Yes, proper, perhaps even magical shears, for to clip off the nose hairs of a dark and sinister ovate, me.
Hold it! My depressed and miserable Sun God Trainee bosom companion is forlorn. Check the gauge, Ray. Check the gauge.
posted by ray pistrum at Sunday, November 25, 2007
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