Crumby Meets Trwch Trwyth

I have been born again, to the Goddess. Generally speaking, this time of year I fear for my life. If I feel well enough to fear for my life. Sometimes I feel so bad, I don’t fear for my life. I don’t care. Yet here I am, maximally fired up. Fierce, yet dark and sinister. Old Math ap Mathonwy, knew no more than me. Even Bran the Blessed is a twinkie next to me. Ha!

Yet I have a tiny problem, sort of. My nose hairs have outstripped the rest of me for amazing-ness. Yes they have. Those nose hairs have undergone a metamorphosis slightly in advance of the rest of me. First, they are growing super fast. Second, they are the most marvelous potential woolen fabric or utensil, ever.

Out they have shot from my nostrils, fierce, great bristles. There they go down into my mustache. What shall I do if they intertwine with my mustache? Many shall say, look at Crumby. His nose hairs are pulling his lip up. Soon his lip shall be a cowl upon his head, just like Gwefyl ap Gwastad’s lip is, when he is sad. Yes, it is the nature of nose hairs to intertwine with mustaches, then tug upward. I don’t know why that is.

Those nose hairs have the strength of many. They are nearly impossible to cut. Sharp pointed they are too. So they would make excellent spears for the tiny. In fact, those nose hairs have trade potential. Yep. A subatomic tribe of aborigines has already contacted me. They wish to purchase as many nose hairs as I can provide. They are fixing to use my nose hairs as spears, but only in self-defense. I shall be rich. Rich, beyond my wildest dreams.

But first I have to figure out how to cut my nose hairs. I have tried my red pocket knife, scissors, clippers, lasers, acetylene torches, hand snips, shears, electric razors and Rayetta’s depilatory cream. Nothing works. Mercy!

Er, Twrch Trwyth keeps a comb and shears, between his ears. Those shears are famous for trims of the dark and sinister. Just ask Ysbaddaen, Chief Giant.

Why would a huge, savage pig have a comb and shears between his ears? How did they get there? All righty then. Enough speculation and guesswork. Speculation and guesswork are for sissies. I shall confront the mighty Twrch Trwyth. Maybe he will let me borrow his shears.

He’s a mighty big pig, oh a mighty big pig, yes a mighty big pig is he. Because Twrch Trwyth is so big, he is easy to find. Twrch Trwyth, it is I, the dark and sinister Crumby Ovate. Look! I have a nice treat for you. Would you like a treat?

What treat, Crumby Ovate?

Only the globe’s largest carrot.

Mmmm. Yes. I love carrots.

Here you go.

Oink. Slurp. Smack. Snort. Mmmm. That carrot was delicious, Crumby Ovate.

Glad you liked it. May I borrow your shears, Twrch Trwyth?

What for?

For these nose hairs.

You wish to shear your nose hairs?

Definitely.

OK.

Uh. I am too short to reach those shears.

Well so you are. Here then. I shall lower my snout down to your level. Then you may climb on up my snout.

Thanks Twrch Trwyth. Whoa! It’s still pretty far up there, yonder, betwixt your ears. Perhaps, if you could tilt your head back, I would, aided by gravity, yet constrained by friction, slide on down to the general vicinity of those shears.

All righty then. Here you go.

Uh oh. Yikes! Here I am. OK, Trwch Trwyth. You may assume a normal posture. I am at the shears. Thanks Twrch Trwyth.

You are welcome, Crumby Ovate.

Aha. These shears are perfect. These shears are clipping my nose hairs off expertly. Anon, I shall have them all clipped. There now.

What are you fixing to do with your nose hairs now that they are all clipped, Crumby Ovate?

These particular nose hairs are fixing to save some subatomic aborigines from extinction, Twrch Trwyth. Once they get my nose hair shipment, they shall have nought to fear.

Hmmm. So you vend your nose hairs?

Yepper. Yet they are a bargain.

Crumby Ovate, did you know that many try to steal my hairs? Not just my nose hairs either, all my hairs. I must be constantly alert for hair rustlers.

I have indeed heard tell of that phenomena, Twrch Trwyth. Shame on those hair rustlers.

Well, it is annoying. Plus, I burn up lots of my food energy just protecting myself from hair rustlers.

That’s terrible Twrch Trwyth. A mighty pig such as yourself should not have to put up with that kind of shenanigan. You should get to enjoy your food, digest at a leisurely pace, then take a carefree nap, fret free from potential hair rustlers.

That’s what I surmise too, Crumby. Yet what can I do?

Hire me, Twrch Trwyth. I shall protect you from the hair rustlers.