Crumby has, for many years, watched Le Tour de France on TV. But only this year has Crumby finally realized what must be obvious to everyone else on the planet; that Le Tour is a tour, not a race. How did the obvious elude Crumby until now? Don’t know. Ces’t incomprehensible.
Well. Maybe those old English faggots serving as tour broadcasters convinced Crumby, Le Tour is a race. After all, according to Phil, this or that rider occasionally fixes to attack, and rarely the attacker, through his effort or more probably circumstance, gets ahead of some other rider. Or , a rider may similarly fix to get in a breakaway. Yes. Excitement! Attacks and breakaways move riders forward and maybe ahead of the inert majority, usually temporarily, but sometimes all the way to the end of the stage (daily race). So, on any stage (daily race), a tiny minority of the riders, may actually try to win the stage (race) by attacking or getting in a breakaway. Typically the number who so try is less than 10% of the participants. Way less.
Yet how many of those that attack or break away on a stage are out to win the whole tour (race). Hardly any, ever. Like there are maybe four or five potential winners out of 198. And of those four or five, two or three are fiddle-farting themselves, fixing to win only in their own minds. This leaves like one or maybe two of the participants really fixing to try and win the tour (race). Of those one or two, neither is likely to win a stage during an attack or breakaway. Tres confusing! But only if you think the tour is a race.
By the way, those one or two, including the probable, eventual winner, typically, actually trained for Le Tour as if they might have to race. The balance of the participants “trained” for a tour. Does anyone know how far to the feeding station?
Yes. A tour. A tour designed and officiated by the French Chamber of Commerce. And how better to show off all that France has to offer than to parade an army of bicyclists through every potholed Dogpatch in the country. That’s why the flat stages are so long. They need to visit each far flung hamlet at least once. Cause those visits are good for the economy.
Thanks be to the great length of the stages, many riders are felled by accidents along the way. Yes. As the poorly trained or untrained cyclists pedal on and on, the tedium or weariness produces inattention. The inattention produces spectacular wrecks. Like 20 cyclists are pedaling along abreast. Suddenly the road narrows. The outer riders crash into the bar ditches. The following riders, lemming like, crash into the already fallen. Mercy!
Karl the Tracker Druid has a tour doctor among his clients. And that particular tour doctor told Karl that his medical speciality is the removal of le handlebar from le anus. Which points to the other main cause of the wrecks besides boredom and tedium. Traffic congestion. Yes congestion. Many of the French roads selected for the tour are not only too long, but also not up to the huge, sudden increase in bicycle traffic the tour demands. It’s handlebar to asshole out there.
Given the too narrow roads, one might assume that the riders would spread out, front to rear, to compensate. Especially since most of the riders could care less what time they ultimately wind up with anyway. But no. They inevitably bunch up tight as wet panties. It is as if they want to wreck. Anything to alleviate the boredom.
Goodness! Crumby just heard that Frank Schleck has tested positive for a diuretic. (a non-proscribed diuretic?) Frank has left the race, the latest of 43 quitters that will not reach Paris. Or not on a bicycle anyway. Frank may have to ride to Paris in a police car. Sad, because Frank and Crumby share many similar opinions regarding Le Tour and its boring yet dangerous flat stages. But maybe Frank can continue to share his opinions in some other venue. Hope so.
Oh man! Crumby just had a terrible thought, indeed. What if somebody from the tour got pissed at Frank for like bad mouthing the tour? Then that tour representative, to get back at Frank, slipped some Exlax into Frank’s chocolate milk. How bad would that be?
Good luck Frank. The Druids are with you.
Well. Maybe the mountain stage tomorrow will be less boring . Like maybe someone will attack or escape in a break away. And as a result, maybe the top ten standings will actually change.
Nah. Never happen.
