Red slides by

All righty then. Today's additional transients are so fer, Empidonax traillii, Vireo philadelphicus and Troglodytes aedon. There may be an additional Empidonax out yonder. Bill and Vladamir need to figure out which one it is after they fix my breakfast.

Red evades the Wicker Man, fer the nonce

All righty then. So fer today the wild canaries er Icteria virens, Vermivora ruficapilla, and Vireo solitarius. And the wild fringillids are Ammodrammus savannarum, Melospiza lincolnii and Spizella pallida.

Bill! Ye and Vladamir keep lookin' after ye fix my breakfast. Er. Check the rain guage, too.

Er. Dang it. I need to write Nancy. Arkdruid, could ye translate, fer me.

All righty then, Red. Yer good to go.

Nancy, Druidess and Euhemeristic Goddess of Practical Jokes
The Joke Factory

Dear Nancy,

Ray called. Ray says he likes it where he is. Ray says the moon goddess is treating him very well. The upshot is, Ray eschews rescue. So you may want to spell Rayetta that Ray may be uncooperative and prone to disagreeableness on the subtopic of his rescue.

Yers fer the nonce,

Red

Red Ears, Senior Ovate and Proprietor
Red's Good Vs. Evil Cow Barn

Red aint sincerely dead yet

Today, it be all drizzly. Ye know what that means maybe fer this season? Wild canaries. Three kinds of em I espied this mornin'; Dendroica fusca, Dendroica petechia and Geothlypis trichas. I got Bill and Vladimir out lookin' fer more and they're to come get me if they espy more wild canaries. Ye can never espy sufficient wild canaries these days.

Later


Answer the dang phone, Ray-mone!


Later


Who was it?

Ray!

Later

Ray-mone, answer the dang phone agin. If its Ray, holler at me.

Monsieur Rouge.

All righty then. I'm comin'. Hello. Is that ye Ray? Naw, Crumby and Hope and Rayetta have gone off to rescue ye. There over to Nancy's last I heard. Ye don't wish to be rescued? Well dern it Ray. That's too bad. There comin' to get ye. But ye may have awhile fer it took em a whole day to cover the 60 miles to Nancy's. Yepper. They got into a fuss. Naw Ray. I caint make em come home. They be het up. Dang it Ray. Ye got no business runnin' off with a dern moon goddess. She does! Whoa! Be that as it may, Ray, yer just gonna have to explain all that to yer sister. Plus, Hope is a might put out with ye. Well, I speculate, given their rate of progress so fer, ye got maybe a week to prepare yerself. All righty then. Bye.

Red survives a trip to the cemetery

I reckon ye know whut a cemetery be, maybe. It be whar a great many of the quitters get put. So today I went on out to commune with the quitters.

Ye can go out to the cemetery and inquire of the quitters, "Why'd ye quit?" all ye want. But I don't take no stock in quitters, generally.

What I was interested in was giant rain lilies. Look at em all. Ray-mone took the picture. These are about done with flowerin', since they be pink, an indcation of old age in these particular flowers. They were mostly white yesterday though, indicatin' a short but merry flower life. Cooperia drummondii is the latest scientific name fer this one, maybe. The bulbs are often as big around as a silver dollar. If ye espy closely, ye will see some Andropogon gerardii, also.

Red's lalaed off

Ark Druid, I need ye to translate this here,fer me.

All righty then, Red. Your good to go.

Ahem. The president of the United States, plus all his ministers are a bunch of criminals. So departation proceedings should begin immediately for the one third of the people who "support", (whatever that means), this president and his criminal ministers. Their property should also be confiscated immediately. This is what I, Red Ears, think should happen as an alternative to the Wicker Man getting everyone.

Hark, the sky has been pollution blue all day. So anon, through the smog, I shall gaze elsewhere, hopefully from point to point expeditiously.

_____

Red. Do you really think deportation and confiscation of all their property is the answer to the liar and glutton problem.

Noper. Arkdruid. I think they ought to get much worse. Because they are traitors, as well as liars and gluttons.

____

Actually. No. I won't gaze elsewhere, er not very far anyway, fer the clouds have slunk in. So if you happen to live in a country where the head of the government selectively chooses what laws to enforce and what laws to abide by, and interprets the law with a view to his personal and class interests exclusively, what kind of a government would you spell that country had?

Tomorrow, I'm going to the cemetery to visit with some sincerely dead mother lalaers, but mainly to get Ray-mone to take some pictures. Then we shall see.
____

Red! It's clearin' off again.

Can ye see the North star, Bill?

Nope.

Well stay out there til ye may espy it. Then come get me. And watch out fer the spiders.

Red, rocks on

Vladamir ye,and Bill go polar bear the GEM. Fer Ogma is slinking off and I hanker fer the Eskimo Nebulung fer my nightly. All righty then. Y’all sabby. Well go on now. And watch out fer spiders. There’s a great many poisonous spiders out yonder.

Fer the nonce I must mostly labor as much as a score of mere mortals. Ray-mone. Go pull up some rescue grass. Ray-mone. Whar be ye? Whoa! Stop that appearin’ suddenly. Dang it! Did ye hear me, go pull up some rescue grass. Naw it aint that dark yet. Now ye go find some. And bring it to me to look at when ye get it. All righty then. Dern foreigners.

But lookee here then. It’s a dang letter, frum Ray.

____

Red,

I am having a real nice time on my adventure and I bet ye are too. The quest part was successful and I got to enjoy sexual intercourse. I’ll spell all about that when I come visit sometime, maybe. But listen up Red. This is important. Ye know that ol’ fart Upyeraholes? Right. Well, I cain’t figure out if he’s alive er dead and me and him got unfinished business, one way er t’other. But I need time to figure out if he's alive er dead by myself, cause if I don't figure it out by myself, I won't get to be a sun god, prob'ly. It shouldn’t take long fer em to dig em up. The whole dang guvment is fixin’ to dig em up at the locale where he was last espied. So once they got em dug up, I can waltz up to em to see if he’s alive er dead. And if he’s alive I got business with em. But if he’s dead I got other stuff to do. Right!. But Red, I need to do all this solo er I won’t be the dang hero. Right! So then there’s Olwen. And she’s been on me about her daddy, Upeyeraholes. And she got this idea frum somewhere that a Druid could hep her find her daddy, dead er alive. So now she wants me to use my Druid powers to find her daddy. But I forgot how to do a dang buzzard transmigration. Right. Yer following along here. Right! Dang! Gotta go.

Yer pal,

Ray
____

That dern Ray. Whut’s he up to?

Red persists, despite everything

Yepper. I may have cured myself of cussin’ and fussin’ with the TV demons. Tonight I commenced to watch one of my shows and a Republican Congressperson from Tenessee was on, a Marsha Blackburn was what they identified her as. But as soon as that particular ignorant and vulgar Whore of Babylon happened to mention that the oil prices are high these days due to the “environmental extremists at the EPA and OSHA,” I just turned off the TV and left that particular ignorant and vulgar Whore of Babylon alone. So I’m cured maybe.

We got a Roosian stayin’ here now, to help Bill with the chores. I thought maybe a Roosian might come in handy with the Roosian telscopery, but I caint communicate with this particular Roosian on a elevated level. He mumbles. He could maybe translate the telsescopery manuals, fer me, but Bill lost those. Ye caint get good hep these days.

Alas, I have heard no more from the questers fer Ray. Vladamir tried to tell me whut he knew, but Vladamir mumbles.

Ray-mone put this here up. It’s one of the different onions that grows here at the CB.

Red's still hard at it, er whatever

Here's a spell from Nancy.
_____


Mr. Red Ears
Proprietor
Red's Good vs. Evil Cow Barn


Dearest Red,

Just a note to let ye know that Rayetta, Hope and Crumby have arrived safe and sound at the Joke Factory, and the monkey, Lomo I think ye may spell it, should be here anon. Apparently the sixty mile trip over was something of a challenge for them, crammed together in the great vehicle at close quarters and there may have been some quarreling and excessive drug use. But they made it over OK and Carl the Tracker Druid has found Lomo in Arkansas. Carl and Lomo are on the way to the Joke Factory as I write. If you want to hear something really funny, check out the Arkansas Highway Patrol short wave radio channel. But everything is hunky dory and tomorrow we are off to rescue Ray from the moon goddess. I am going along to oversee the younger Druids. Besides, I have some business of my own that happily coincides with the quest to rescue Ray.

Surpisingly, I am quite taken with the Crumby Ovate and regret, sort of, all those years I refused to allow his accession to the Druidry. Crumby, I agree now, is not an actual idiot, but merely an apparent idiot. That's an important difference Red. Ye trained him well.

Red, I know that ye have been torturing Bill the Practical Nurse and making him do the work of three or maybe four hired hands. That's not fair, and Bill is very sorry he threatened to give ye an enema. So to take some of the pressure off Bill, I am sending over Druid Vladamir to help look after ye. Druid Vladamir, due to his thick accent and mumbling is very hard to interpret so ye twain should get along. Please don't torture Vladamir any more than he deserves.

All righty then. I see that Carl is back with yer monkey so we are fixing to have lots to do to get ready.

Yers everlastingly,

Nancy

Druidess Nancy
Goddess of Practical Jokes
The Joke Factory
_____

Hmmph.

I probably need to read this here over agin. She don't say if the great vehicle got there er not. What was Lomo doin' in Arkansas? Arkansas aint on the way to the Joke Factory. Hmmph. Hold it. Here be a P.S

P.S.

Oh yes. Red, to set yer mind at ease, Lomo became very exicted when he heard about a banana vending opportunity in southeastern Arkansas maybe, so he went on up to check that out, maybe, and may have gotten lost. But he's back now and so's the great vehicle. Don't fret about the great vehicle. Druid Rex has a side-line business, Five-Fingered Auto Parts and Oklahoma Credit Cards, and Rex can get parts for the great vehicle at surpisingly low discount rates, Praise the Goddess.
_____

Dern it. Whut's that dern Nancy spellin' on about here?

Bill ye need to get a spare room ready fer this Druid Vladamir that may arrive anon.

Ray-mone, where ere ye Ray-mone? There ye be. Here now load up this here little wonder picture. It be Salvia farinacea.

Whut else? Er, they left the telescopery with me all right and a bunch of it was broke so instead of gettin' to get drunk and cuss out the TV demons I had to do telescopery fix em up on a dang German equatorial mount. The dern thang went catty wampus on me til I figured out the Roosian methodology of puttin' a tiny dang screw Roosian screw on top an even tinier dang Roosian screw both of em situated inside tiny holes in a dang revolvin' cylinder. We're talkin' tiny, like unto fractinal millmeters. So that took awhile fer me to fix it and even a greater while, fer me to fix to fix it, fer Bill had lost my magical wrench set. Then Bill lost the grease too.

Whut's that part of that dern gizmo spelled? Er, yepper, the slow mo control gizmo on the declination axis. Ye need that fer sure. Er. I still need to polar bear the dang thing and set up the settin'circles er whutever.

Red Keeps On, Keepin' On

Last night, instead of gettin' drunk and fussin' with the TV demons, I had Bill set up the telescopery, fer me. Then I telscoped hither and yon 'til the moon rose up. They have all run off and left me, but they left all the telescopery. Now I need to get Bill to go over yonder and shoot out them dern lights. The dern light demons interfere with the nebulosity. I never could espy Pluto, put that down to the light demons, maybe. But there was good deal star-wise that interested me. Be that as it may, I need a nap.

Red is in Charge, fer the nonce, exclusively

Last night it rained a good bit on the CB. So now fer the month of "I am a Wind-Dispered Fornicator and the CB Tree is Carya ilinoiensis and Quercus Virginiana" the rain total is up to 1.35 tics. That's good. But the wind also kicked up, and as usual afficted the self-pruning cultivar pecan trees in the pecan tree orchard. In these sefl-pruning pecan trees a Dendroica scalarus had chose up to excavate a hole.

But when I went out this morning the hole was on the ground with its limb that it had been excavated in, with it, as here depicted, and the poor little woodpecker was hollering mournfully up in the tree for her/his lost home which was on the ground as here depicted. I looked around fer baby woodpeckers, but there wern't any so that's the sunny side. Also on the sunny side up is that the Wicker Man got some evil doers recently which is good, but not enough of em yet by a long shot. The Goddess has spared me fer the nonce. Praise the Goddess and protect, me.

The Wicker Man may be fixing to get the worst of the generic republicans anon and really barbecue em up so that they suffer a lot and are tenderized. I sure wish he would. That would be good, too. I hate to think they might escape off with all the loot. They need to suffer fer all their lies and gluttony. But Goddess protect, me.

Red's all alone, practically, fer awhile

So we got .35 tics fer today and that gets us up to .65 tics fer the month, so fer. Meantime it's hot and gettin' hotter. The liars and gluttons, lie and gluttonize. The Wicker Man stalks the land. Goddess protect, me. Did ye know that the stems of Verbena xutha are hollow?

So here I am, all alone, with no company except for Raymone and Bill the Practical Nurse. So I decide to watch TV. And the program on the TV is Hard Ball and the TV show has attacted/assembled all these knuckleheads somewhere outside of the studio. So then someone goes out to interview the knuckleheads.

The Wicker Man will get all those knuckleheads, anon, and all the liars associated with that TV program. Praise be to the Goddess. Goddess protect, me.

Red Takes Over, fer a spell

Say there Arkdruid. Could ye translate this into standard English, fer me.

Certainly Red, that's for the best, maybe.

Hi. This is Red Ears of Red's Good vs. Evil Cow Barn (RGVECB) where most of the help has run off from the Cow Barn to have adventures.* But adventures are private affairs, so the younger Druids have decided not to expose any more of the private details of their adventures. And they won't expose those details of those adventures any more in this venue, for the nonce, or ever, maybe. I, Red, approve of their decision, for it takes me back to the times of my earliest iterations when we memorized this and that, but didn't spell much out, ever. Also, there's the problem of the Druid mysteries getting subsumed into the mainstream vulgarity if the younger Druids spell out all the details of their adventures. We can't have that. So I, Red as proprietor of RGVECB need to figure out what to do with all of the ones that may survive their adventures and turn back up at the CB, looking for work. That may take awhile.

As for me, Red, with the Arkdruid here to translate, I will continue for a spell, maybe, to document the Wicker Man. He's here. I've seen him.


*The best I could translate. - The Arkdruid.

Ray's Thought for the Day - Ray and Olwen Part 2-10

Ray's disguise hat.

It took awhile, but with the original triplet of the retinue, Chitlin , Rumpler and Sleeza, plus Rover, on task, the letting phase preliminary to getting the place cleaned up was making good progress. The retinue, plus Rover, got on the phone with their pals who happened to have dump trucks or cranes and said, we have an unprecedented situation over here at the Castle of Justice so we are cutting through all the red tape. Yes, if you can potentially show up with your dump truck or your crane, or do some paper work that indicates you showed up with the equipment, you will receive a contract. And Rover had a very clever story for his pals when they inquired about how much the contract was worth.
_____

This sucker goes into a car dealership to buy a new car.

And the car salesman says, What kind of a car do you want?

And the sucker says, I want a red car and a I don’t care how much I have to pay for it.
_____

Well pal, I’m that sucker. Let’s go play golf.

So pretty soon thousands or maybe millions of minions and a big contractor or two descended on the Castle of Justice with dump trucks, cranes, bull dozers, directional drilling equipment, fumigators and the like and progress was good considering how unprecedented was the disaster. The unanswered question on everyone’s mind though was “Where’s Upyeraholes, Chief Justice?” Days passed even in addition to those that had already passed and then the days passed and there was more progress, but nothing conclusive, and nothing conclusive pertaining to the question that was on everyone’s mind formerly, days past.

Ray and Olwen, both cleverly disguised, hat, scarf and sunglasses, dropped by the Castle of Justice, to check up on all the progress. Ray had disguised the Crown Vic too, and the Crown Vic looked just like a red 57 Chevy Bel Air when they cruised the Castle of Justice so there was no likelihood of the true identities of Ray, Olwen, Crown Vic, being revealed. But alas, even the keenly interested Ray and Olwen could ascertain no more than anyone else could.

Anon, you guessed it, Ray and Olwen were enjoying sexual intercourse, gynecandrous-ly, in the back seat of the apparent 57 Chevy Bel Air. Olwen, in the throes of her passion, chanced to look up and out the rear view window. Olwen was also keeping track of any birds that flew over the car. “Oh my Goddess, oh my Goddess, oh my Goddess, oh my Goddess, oh my Goddess, Coragyps atratus, Oh my Goddess. Umh, Ray yer so sweet. Ray, do ye remember those Druids you were tellin’ me about the other day. The ones ye may have habitated with in a past iteration or at some other time and place perchance. Do ye recall that, sugar?”......... Ray.......... Wake up sugar.”

Er, Druids, yepper. Snark. Whut?

Are those the same kind of Druids that do transmigrations?

Yepper.

Did you learn how to do transmigrations, sugar?

Yepper.

If I really, really, really, really wanted you to, could you do a transmigration?

Noper.

Why not?

I fergot how.

Hmmm.

It was a long time ago, Olwen darlin’, er some other iteration er time er place. And I caint remember. A feller caint be expected to remember ever’ little thang. Besides, a presumptive ray like me, don’t require all those Druid tricks.

So, ye are a presumptive ray these days now Ray. Then perhaps ye may as well penetrate the stygian darkness of the castle innards down on B-665 and shed some light on the present disposition of daddy, Ray. And get off me. Yer too hot.

All righty then. But I’m tellin’ ye Olwen darlin’, sweet thang, I fergot. Then too, I may not be of sufficient magnitude to penetrate fully the stygian darkness until a little more progress has been made by all the equipment.

Hmmm. Ray. You mentioned a Crumby once. Is Crumby a Druid?

Yepper.

Can Crumby do transmigrations?

Yepper.

Hmmm.

Ray's Thought for the Day - Ray and Olwen 2-9

Hmmm. Well now. I see that you have returned, Hope. For I do espy your lovely little face and your pretty smile and those big innocent eyes. But let me see now, you have queried directly so I shall answer,directly. Where is the great vehicle? Easy that: Perhaps it recently sped off, with the ever alert Lomo at the wheel, and all our gear stowed safely inside. And then there’s, Why is Crumby throwing a temper tantrum? Easy that: I can only imagine why Crumby is throwing a temper tantrum. But perhaps Crumby’s temper tantrum is somehow related to the status of the great vehicle, attended by the ever alert Lomo, and securely locked, so that Crumby found that Crumby could not dispose himself into the great vehicle upon Crumby’s return from Crumby’s botanical emergency. And then too, the fire ants may enter in. But you, Hope, wouldn’t know anything about all that, would you, Hope sweetie?

Noper. Shouldn’t you do something about Crumby, Lovely Druidess Rayetta?

No, Hope. I shouldn’t. Crumby will wear himself out, anon. Also, anon, I shall see about someone’s inexhaustible One of These prescription.

Boo-hoo-hoo. It’s not my fault Rayetta. Boo-hoo-hoo.

Yes Hope, it is, your fault. Now stop bawling. I have to think. Stop it this minute.

Snuffle.

Stop it......... That’s better.

So while Hope sat on the back slope and pouted and Crumby raged about the highway right-of-way smiting exotic fauna and flora, the Lovely Druidess Rayetta, thought. But anon, the Lovely Druidess Rayetta gave up on thought and meditated. And to meditate efficaciously, the LDR covered up one lovely eye with one shapely hand and the other lovely eye grew big as a lovely saucer. And the LDR hooked one pretty foot behind the other shapely leg and posed thus for a spell. But then after awhile she switched all that over relying on bilateral symmetry to accomplish all that and posed the other way. And then after awhile the LDR switched back again. And at last the Crumby Ovate wore himself out. But Hope continued to pout. But still, posed the Lovely Druidess Rayetta on the other pretty foot..

Ever, Ogma the Fickle Sunface has abandoned the Druidry at night. So Nancy, the Goddess of Practical Jokes had the lights on as she drove expeditiously along in the customized bread delivery truck that plied the hinterlands in search of suckers, I mean customers, that required Nancy’s jokes to cheer them up. Beside Nancy, the Goddess of Practical Jokes, sat Sugar Plum, and Sweetie Pie was riding shotgun. Sugar Plum and Sweetie Pie are little Tabby Labbers, Druidess trainees that is, orphans in fact, (just like Rayetta and Ray had once been orphans), that Nancy clasped to her ample bosoms to both rear and train up at the Joke Factory. Both Sugar Plum and Sweetie Pie showed great promise and both were intently scanning the right-of way as they chattered happily together and at Nancy.

Dang, it sure is dark out yonder, Sweetie Pie. It sure be that, Sugar Plum, dark. I reckon the moon’ll be up anon though Sugar Plum and then we can see out better. That’s right Sweetie Pie, I also figure the moon'll be up anon. Nancy. Me, Sugar Plum together with Sweetie Pie here, riding shotgun here, both figure the moon’ll be up anon, reckon. Say, wudn’t that Aint Rayetta posed back yonder on the side of the road, Sweetie Pie. Yepper, it sure did appear to be Aint Rayetta posed back yonder, Sugar Plum.

Then the customized bread delivery truck with Nancy the Goddess of Practical Jokes at the wheel undertook a mighty U-turn that was ever after considered the greatest of the three greatest U-turns ever espied in those parts. Anon, the bread truck fetched up in the vicinity of the Lovely Druidess Rayetta. And Rayetta was embarked upon the greatest of the three greatest meditative poses ever espied in those parts. So this event was fairly historic and,in the course of time, the Texas Historical Commission would put up a marker commemorating these twain greatest evers.

Need a lift, Rayetta honey? hollered out Nancy.

Yep, I do. hollered back the Lovely Druidess Rayetta.

Ye Rayetta and ye Hope may sit up front with me. While Crumby may sit in back with Sugar Plum and Sweetie Pie. Where’s the monkey?

Ahem. No. Hope the Poutie Mouthed shall also sit in the back with Crumby, Sweetie Pie and Sugar Plum. And Lomo is sped off, so Lomo doesn’t need a ride.

All righty then. Everyone get on in and rearranged. I’ll bet ye are wore out, and hungry and thirsty and aggravated. But we can fix all that up at the Joke Factory.

So they all got on in and rearranged just as Nancy, as amended by Rayetta, foretold. And the Lovely Druidess Rayetta and Hope Remains and the Crumby Ovate all anticipated getting all fixed up at the Joke Factory, maybe.

Off they went.

So where’s Ray? Sugar Plum wanted to know and so did Sweetie Pie. So where’s Lomo? Sweetie Pie wanted to know and likewise Sugarplum. Sugar Plum and Sweetie Pie had many questions. But with Sugar Plum and Sweetie Pie, questions were a rhetorical exercise. Because as part of their training, they made up answers regardless, predicated by, “Easy that.” For example, when Hope burst into tears in response to the most proximal question above, referencing Ray, Sugar Plum and Sweetie Pie responded rhetorically. Easy that, Sweetie Pie. I hear tell Ray run off with a moon goddess. Yep, that be whut I heard too Sugar Plum. And ye know whut else I heard frum old Nelson? No whut? Nelson says once a boy gets some moon goddess he don’t ever go back. He did? Reckon whut Nelson meant by that? Dang! Does that mean Ray aint never comin back? I reckon it must. Dang!

Boo-hoo-hoo, boo-hoo-hoo.

But the Crumby Ovate, worn out by his long temper tantrum, and unable to endure any more suffering, and blessed by the Goddess for some obscure purpose, conked out. Then Crumby dreamed about ants. All the little ants had tiny Lomo heads. But some of the ants also had tiny Ray heads. Perhaps the ones with Ray heads were about as many as the ones with Lomo heads, or even a few more. Then there were also some ants with Bill the Practical Nurse heads. At any rate, Crumby was aggravated by all those ants for some reason. So in his dream, Crumby smote the dream ants just as Crumby smote all those other ants. Only of course, the Ray and Lomo and Practical Nurse Bill ants cried out and begged for mercy which pleased Crumby even more than the smiting. But then all the little Ray ants merged into one big Ray ant, and that particular Ray ant rose into the heavens where it skipped about mocking Crumby. Anon though, Crumby awoke to a good shaking as if the bread truck was doing a roll over, but it was only Nancy making a hard left on to the grounds of the Joke Factory.

Yay! We’re home. Squealed Sugar Plum and Sweetie Pie. Wake up Crumby. We’re here, Crumby. And indeed they were.

Red Takes Over, fer awhile

Red's Weather Synopis

The dern liars and gluttons have got their wish. The Wicker Man is headed this way lickety-split. All righty then. Goddess protect, me.

Ray's Thought for the Day - Ray and Olwen Part 2-8

Ray liked the nightlife, literally and metaphorically. To Ray, the starry sky whirling about his noggin seemed analogous to a disco floor that Ray recalled vaguely from an alternative iteration, perhaps . “Yepper, this is too cool. I can see all the cool stuff from up here. Olwen darlin’, this is too cool. Say Olwen. I got this bosom companion, Crumby, that is the Crumby Ovate. Anyhow, Crumby is earthbound, generally, and must rely on telescopery to get around in these parts. Do ye think we could fetch Crumby along on one of yer nightly rounds, anon, maybe?”

No Ray. I’m sorry sugar. There’s only room fer twain at a time. But if ye should like to sleep in, some starry night, then perhaps Crumby would like to come along in yer stead.

Er. Would ye be wearin’ that see through negligee if Crumby was along?

Certainly sugar. This beautiful, sheer, see through negligee is my work outfit.

Er. Er. Yepper. This is too cool. I can see all the cool stuff from up here.
_____

But at the White House or White Palace or whatever, the Kinglet received an improtant phone call from Ray’s retinue.

Kinglet, is that you Kinglet? Who’s this? This is Secretary Sleeza and you better go get the Kinglet. Stop that simpering. Stop it. Now go get the Kinglet.

Who was that person simpering on the other end of the line, Sleeza?

That was the Kinglet’s theoretical and metaphorical First Lady, Chitlin. I sent her to go get the Kinglet. The Kinglet is in the comfort station.

Kinglet. O h Kinglet, dear. You have a phone call.

Heh, heh. Now I’ll just wipe this up. Heh-heh. Who’s it frum?

That rather dark-complections girl, Secretary Sleeza. She sounded very excited. So I forgive her how rude she was to me, because I know they are excitable by nature, and I have already asked Jesus to help Sleeza with how rude she is.

All righty then, my theoretical and metaphorical First Lady. That’s ornate. But I need to finish some business up in the comfort station so bring me the phone. It’s over on the desk, the one with the extra long cord. Here, I’ll crack the door so you can stick it in here.

Can I come in and talk on the phone too?

No.

Secretary Sleeza, is that you Secretary Sleeza? Chitlin and Rumpler is nearby too, you say? And ya’ll have a remainder report for me. Could you hold on a minute? Heh-heh. I got to wipe somethin’ up. There now. No, there’s some more. There now. Secretary Sleeza, What’s on your mind, Secretary Sleeza?

So Secretary Sleeza informed the Kinglet of all that had transpired that she needed to remind, or remained, the Kinglet about. But this took awhile because Chitlin and Rumpler kept trying to grab the phone away from Sleeza. Chiltlin and Rumpler both wanted to remained the Kinglet too.

But at last the Kinglet was made to remainder that Ray was riding around on a bus, the Castle of Justice needed to be cleaned up and that the full power and implemendacities of the government needed to be employed to clean the place up. And yes, the Kinglet needed to send Rover, over.

After all the remainders, Sleeza, to be polite, inquired of the Kinglet, Did you enjoy your helicopter ride, Kinglet?

Yep, I did, Secretary Sleeza. I always enjoy a good helicopter ride. Now I got some other business to attend to here so, bye. Click.
_____

Rover was getting to go. But first, before Rover got to go, Rover got to take a leak. So that’s what Rover did. Take a leak. Next day, bright and early, the Media Liberal, was all over the scene of the unprecedented disaster at the Castle of Justice. But the Media Liberal had to compete with the other aroma for attention. Nevertheless, the Media Liberal, was in the general vicinity of the Castle of Justice reporting that whatever had happened, maybe, was unprecedented. Moreover, someone needed to be held accountable for the tardy response to the unprecedented disaster that had apparently killed off thousands, or maybe millions, of minions and justice seekers, mostly lawyers. And what had become of Upyeraholes, Chief Justice? That was the question on everyone’s mind. But now, because Media Liberal was on the job, the place would get cleaned up and everyone would soon find out what had happened to Upyeraholes, Chief Justice, maybe.

Red Takes Over, fer awhile

All righty then, Ray-mone. Right after Practical Nurse Bill gets us fed, I want ye to go out and fix to take pictures of all the rest of the botanical little wonders fornicatin’ at the CB fer “I be a Wind-Dispersed Fornicator and the CB Tree is Carya illinoiensis and Quercus virginica, month. Now Ray-mone, spare yerself fer the artistic components of this chore and have Bill do all the heavy er onerous parts like totin’ the tripod er movin’ the poison ivy out of the way of the camera. Er, there are a great many different fornicators out there right now so this chore may take awhile before ye get good pictures of all of em. All righty then.

Oui-oui.

Ray's Thought for the Day - Ray and Olwen Part 2-7

Yes, I enjoyed sexual intercourse, Ray. Go fetch in the walkie-talkie.

All righty then, Olwen darlin’.

Put yer Levis on first.

All righty then, Olwen darlin’.

Ray forsook the relative safety of their little room at the nice tourist court and went outside. Straight off, Ogma, the fickle friend of the Druidry, liked to blinded Ray. But once Ray’s eyes adjusted he was just able to espy the Crown Vic parked on the lawn, handy. “Where’s the dang trunk.” But Ray’s eyes adjusted some more anon, so Ray soon figured out where the trunk was. But when Ray opened the trunk, he couldn’t see inside. “I caint see the walkie-talkie.” “ Olwen dear, the walkie-talkie seems to have disappeared.” Ray hollered. “ Noper, never mind, there it is.”

Ray was fixing to fetch in the walkie-talkie, back to the relative safety of the little room, when, improperly accoutered for his adventure in nature, Ray stepped bare-footed on some sticker burs (Cenchrus incertus), a common graminoid of parking area lawns. “Dang, ow, dern these dang sticker burs.”

Whut’s the matter, Ray sugar?

The sticker burs have got me darlin’. Toss out the penny loafers.

Olwen hunted around for Ray’s penny loafers.

I can only find one of ‘em, honey bunch.

Well toss that un on out, darlin’.

All righty then.

Olwen went to the door to toss Ray a penny loafer, but just like Ogma had been with Ray, Ogma was fickle with Olwen.

Where are ye sugar, I caint see ye?

I’m right here.

Where?

Right here.

Oh my gosh. There you are.

And there Ray was, bathed in Ogma’s light, shirtless, shoeless, sock less, accoutered only in his Levis, striking the immemorial meditative pose of the Druids, a hand covering one eye and the other eye swelled up to the size of a saucer, one foot up and hooked behind the other big leg. Except for the walkie-talkie, that particular meditative pose would have gone down as one of the three greatest meditative poses ever espied in those parts. But even with the walkie-talkie, it made the top ten.

Ray sweetie pie, ye need to pull yer pants up. Yer butt cracks showin’. And with this helpful advice off her ample bosoms, Olwen White Track tossed Ray his penny loafer.

It took Ray a minute or two to get organized and back into the relative safety of the little room. Plus, Ray required some assistance with sticker bur extraction and some comforting before he calmed down enough to enjoy sexual intercourse. But then, Ray’s role in the plan for cleaning up the place, having been successfully concluded, Olwen White Track got on the walkie-talkie to put the rest of the plan into action.

It is a well-known fact that moon goddesses have a great affinity for the speech of all the birds except those birds that don’t talk. And in this regard, Olwen White Track was no exception to the general facts regarding moon goddesses. Olwen could talk just like any bird she wanted to talk like, any time she had a mind to. That’s why Olwen wanted Ray to fetch in the walkie-talkie. Olwen wanted to talk like a particular bird on the walkie-talkie.

Ray sugar, could ye make me a drink. Bourbon on the rocks. No honey, more bourbon. This could take awhile. Now how does this gizmo work. There we go. Thank ye sugar. Yer so sweet.

This is the Kinglet callin’ the retinue. Report in retinue. This is the Kinglet, callin’ the retinue. Report in retinue. This the Kinglet, callin’ the retinue. Report in retinue. This is....

Is that you, Sleeza. Heh, heh. It is. Where’s Rumpler and Chitlin? Well get em on the walkie-talkie too. What’s that Chitlin? Did ye say, what Kinglet? I need to remind ye Chitlin that there aint but one Kinglet at a nonce, and I’m it, heh-heh.

Is that ye Rumpler? I opine ye have yer underwear on. Heh-heh. That’s good, Rumpler. Ye shall have to model that particular pair fer me some time. Whut am I doin’ here, Sleeza? I’m the Kinglet, so I’m flyin’ around over here in a helicopter, but I caint see nothin’ much so I’m flyin’ back to the White House here in a little while.

Well, I’m just checkin up on ye to see how Ray’s doin’. Has he had sexual intercourse with Olwen yet? Ye don’t know? All ye know is he’s ridin’ around on a bus?

Dern it. Sleeza call me on the phone when I get back to the White House and tell me all this agin’ in case I ferget. Meantime, ye need to put the full implementations of the guvment at work to clean up the Castle of Justice.

How do I know it needs cleanin’ up? I just flew over it and I could smell it from the helicopter. So when ye call me up on the phone in a little while, ye need to remind me that I told ye to startup the full implemendacities of the guvment to clean up the place.

No, I don’t know whut happened to old Upyraholes, but it smelled like he might be dead. Now can ye three of the retinue remember to do all that, or do I need to send Rover over?

Yep, Rumpler. But ye may need to remind me when ye call me on the phone in a couple of hours at the White House that I may need to send Rover, over.

Anything else unprecedented I need to know about?


Ye did Sleeza. Well I bet ye look real ornate in it. Heh, heh. Well I got to go now back to the White House and ye all be sure to call me up and explain all this agin. 10/4. 10/4. 10/4. This is the Kinglet flying, off. This is the Kinglet, flying off. This is the Kinglet, flying off......Chooka-chooka- chooka. Click.

Whoa! Olwen darlin’, that last part sounded just like a helicopter. I dang near ducked fer fear of a helicopter gettin’ me. Ye sure are smart Olwen.

Yepper, I am what I am. Honey, could ye freshen this up and then maybe ye could give me a nice inner thigh massage ere we depart upon my nightly rounds?

All righty then.

Ray's Thought for the Day - Ray and Olwen Part 2-6

Goodness gracious! Rayetta! Crumby! Apparently you are not used to One of These and all those One of These has greatly diminished your normal skills and abilities. And poor Lomo has conked out. But I, Hope Remains, have not forgotten that it is my wayward boyfriend Ray that we seek, and that Nancy, the Goddess of Practical Jokes is to aid and abet us upon our quest to recover Ray. Rayetta, have you forgotten that Ray is your only brother, maybe? And Crumby, have you forgotten that Ray is your bosom companion and Sedge Buster for Goddess’ Sake. What about Sedge Buster?
_____

Crumby, is that a Spiranthes over there on the backslope?

Where?

Over there on the backslope on top, where that cow has its head stuck in the fence.

Yikes! It may be Rayetta. We better go check it out.

Yepper. We better. That may be an evil cow.
_____

But what about Ray?

Hope cried out futilely, too late. Rayetta and Crumby both espied the makings of a potential botanical emergency that they were fixing to deal with. Rayetta and Crumby were focused in, all righty then, on extricating themselves from the great vehicle so they could climb up the back slope and determine if a potentially evil cow was fixing to eat up a potential Spiranthes orchid and nothing or nobody on this globe or any other globe anywhere, ever, would deter the Lovely Druidess Rayetta and the Crumby Ovate from that destiny. They departed.

Goodness, oh my goodness. Lomo. Wake up Lomo. Lomo, please wake up. Lo-mo.

Hope was desperate to rouse Lomo because botanical expeditions generally take awhile and Hope could not bear the thought of Ray off in the clutches of that Olwen person, moon goddess. So Hope surmised that if she could but rouse the slumbering Lomo, the aroused Lomo could be prevailed upon to drive off, leaving Crumby and Rayetta to their botanical expedition. Then Hope saw herself rescuing Ray from that moon goddess person, and returning to the CB, with Ray at her side, all adoring and worshipful on account of his rescue. Then once they were safe, back at the CB, Hope would call the Department of Public Safety, or maybe the Game Wardens, and report Crumby and Rayetta missing. Hope, you may see, renders any scenario possible.

However, first Hope had to rouse Lomo, and hollering at Lomo and poking him wasn’t getting the job done. So Hope decided if she could somehow drag Lomo off the driver’s seat and put him somewhere else, she could drive off in the big vehicle and rescue Ray by herself. So Hope climbed over into the front seat and began to lift and tug on the inert Lomo so that she could raise him into an upright position, unbuckle his seat belt and push Lomo out the door. But Hope couldn’t get a good grip on Lomo because Crumby’s bandana had fallen out of Lomo’s mouth and Lomo had drool all over his head and shoulders. Slick drool.

“Yuck! Lomo’s all icky. And he’s heavy too. Oh my goodness, whatever shall I do now.”

Hope was determined though and Hope had hope. So she pulled out her magic utility knife and sawed through the harness that retained Lomo and kept Lomo in compliance with RGVECB and state mandated safety regulations. Then Hope climbed down out of the great vehicle, shut her passenger side door and went around to Lomo’s side. This time Hope saw herself reluctantly grabbing onto Lomo’s belt loop in the vicinity of the distal reaches of Lomo’s butt crack and hauling his big lala right on out the door. But lo and behold, Lomo’s door was locked.

“Goodness gracious sakes alive. Why’s this door locked? Goodness. Well then, I’ll just march around to my door and get back in and open Lomo’s door from the inside.”

Anon though, Hope learned that her door was locked too and even all the other doors also including the back door to the cargo area, were all locked. And the keys were, of course, in the ignition because that’s where they were when the great vehicle ebbed momentum to this safe spot and stopped. And keys don’t go off on their own, usually.

“Swell. This is so hunky-dory.” commented Hope, resorting to irony.

Hope then espied a fire ant (Solenopsis invicta) mound so she kicked that and watched the ants for awhile. Then Hope sat on the rear bumper for awhile. Then Hope pounded on the driver side window for awhile and hollered at Lomo. Then Hope sat on the front bumper for awhile and as she sat on the front bumper, after awhile, she espied Crumby and Rayetta off in the distance.

“Great.” Hope resorted to irony. Then Hope pounded on the window and hollered at Lomo some more. Then Hope lost hope and went off to a clump of bushes up on the backslope to perform an ablution. “Great.” Then her ablution completed, Hope envisioned herself taking a little nap, curled up under the bushes, and at last, Hope’s hope came true.

Eventually, the Lovely Druidess Rayetta and the Crumby Ovate, ascertained to their mutual satisfactions, a rare occurrence indeed, that the Spiranthes was not potential and neither was the cow, evil. On the other hand, additional botanical emergencies could be lurking in these parts so Crumby and Rayetta decided to check those other potential ones out too. But anon, Ogma began to fail them, because Ogma Sunface has ever been a fickle friend to the Druidry. And Crumby foretold, “I caint see a dern thang Rayetta. We better get on back to the great vehicle.” And Rayetta commented, “Yes Crumby, we should for I intuit that somewhat may be amiss at the great vehicle.” And then Crumby ovated for a minute and much alarm came to Crumby and Crumby increased his pace to a good pace and Rayetta, perceiving that Crumby was urgent, kept pace.

Lo the twain of them arrived at the great vehicle and Rayetta tried the front door and Crumby tried the back door but the doors were locked. So Crumby and Rayetta pounded on the windows and hollered at Lomo, the Sound Sleeper. Then Crumby and Rayetta noted that Hope was gone.

“Hope is gone” exclaimed Rayetta.

“Dang it. I’ll break the dang window. Where’s me a good sized rock?” exclaimed Crumby, the man of action, his rage about to come upon him. “Dang it. Where’d these fire ants come from?” exclaimed Crumby also, his rage seriously coming upon him.

And Rayetta exclaimed, “Where’s my cell phone?” But the cell phone was on the front seat next to the head of the slumbering Lomo all beset with drool. “Hope has abandoned us.” sighed Rayetta.

But just when Crumby had got most of the fire ants out of his pants and was launching himself at the great vehicle and also bearing a great rock to smite upon the rear window of the vehicle, Lomo at last awoke from his nap because Lomo dreamed he was drowning and Lomo sat bolt upright in his driver’s side seat within the great vehicle. “Look Crumby, Lomo has roused himself” hollered Rayetta. But too late to save the rear window, for Crumby smote the rear window so that it shattered asunder or actually just bowed in and cracked stem to stern. “Take that ye dang window” cried out Crumby triumphantly. But then perceiving that he might need to hit the window yet another lick, Crumby cast about to retrieve the big rock he had bounced off the window. Crumby thought to finish the window off with the big rock and put the window out of its misery.

“Lomo under attack” hollered out Lomo, logically. Lomo started the great vehicle up and drove off expeditiously to rescue Ray. But not before Crumby got in a second lick and busted the rear window clean out. “Ha! Ye dang window!” yelled Crumby furiously at the departing great vehicle.

But Lomo sped off. Gradually, as Lomo drove, drove, drove, a troubling thought came to Lomo.

“Lovely Druidess Rayetta be aggravated with Lomo. Lomo not stop in safe spot.”

Crumby busted that dang window out all alrighty then but his rage was still upon Crumby and Crumby was hoppin’ mad so Crumby afflicted the fire ants much like the fire ants had lately afflicted Crumby and Crumby smote hundreds of the fire ants and as Crumby smote the fire ants he taunted the fire ants “Bite me will ye, ye little pismire lalas, la-la, la-la, la-la, etc.”

But Rayetta began work on a mental list, both to enumerate the various facets of the current situation and to comfort herself. Rayetta, even in the worst of situations found comfort in the certitude of a good list. So Rayetta began to enumerate out loud, the facets, and each facet Rayetta assigned to one of the digits of her shapely left hand. And Rayetta tapped each of the digits, in its turn, on her left hand with all the fingers and the thumb of her shapely right hand, each time she applied a facet, for emphasis.

Let’s see, thumb - the gear is gone. Tap.

Let’s see, pointer finger - the great vehicle is gone. Tap.

Let’s see, fool finger - Lomo is gone. Tap.

Let’s see leech finger - Crumby is gone, berserk. Tap.

Let’s see ear finger - Hope is gone. Tap.
_____

No, I’m not, Rayetta. I’m right here. Where’s the great vehicle? Why’s Crumby throwing a tantrum?
_____

Ray's Thought for the Day - Ray and Olwen Part 2-5

But the questing party, disembarked from the Cow Barn to rescue Ray, was making good progress, and the quartet, which had first begun as a trio, now added the fine bass-baritone of Lomo (Rayetta relented and Lomo got a handful of One of These, too) and the quartet roared along and the great vehicle rocked to the rhythm of “Yer gonna look like a monkey when ye grow old.”*

Off the Druids went, lickety-split to rescue Ray in full four part harmony. “They go wild simply wild over me, I’m referin’ to the bed bugs and the fleas, oh they murmur in my sleep and disturb my slumber deep, they go wild simply wild over me” and “Here come Peter Cottontail, hoppin’ down the bunny trail, hippity hoppity easter on its wa-ay”. But anon, the fine bass-baritone lapsed from the chorus and the mighty momentum of the great vehicle ebbed and the great vehicle rolled to a full stop eventually at a safe spot. Then, following a rousing rendition of “Please don’t fersake me oh my Goddess”, but before “Swine Wranglers in the Sky”, Lomo spelled,

Lovely Druidess Rayetta, Lomo don’t know where he’s going.

What?

Lovely Druidess Rayetta, Lomo, don’t know where he’s going.

Hmmmm. Hope, Crumby, do either of you know where we’re going?

To rescue Ray! The twain of them, both Hope and Crumby, chorused up helpfully.

All righty then. But which way is Ray? Hmmm. I know. Crumby, you’re the Junior Ovate of the CB. And it is the job of an Ovate to foresee. Right. So all you have to do, Crumby, is foresee where we are going.

Er. All righty then. I’ll need to concentrate fer a minute.

La-de, la-de, hmmm. La-de-da. Okie Dokie Crumby, your minute’s up.

Er. I ferget. Are we going after Ray, er Nancy?

That’s a good question Crumby. Let’s see, there’s Ray to consider, but also something about Nancy. Hmmm.

Goodness gracious sakes alive, Rayetta, we’re going after Ray. Crumby, find Ray. A moon goddess has captured Ray. Boo-hoo-hoo.

There, there Hope. Yer just havin’ a bad trip. But please don’t cry so. Fer a lady’s tears much compromise my ovatin’ skills. Perhaps ye better have another One of These. And get me two.

All righty then Crumby, snuffle. If you foresee that one or two of One of These, might help. Here you go...... Rayetta, do you want another One of These?

Hmmm. Perhaps. Let me just get turned around here anon. There. That’s better. Yes, I see the one I want. I want that little blue one, Hope.

Here you go, Rayetta. Lomo, do you want some more One of These? Lomo. Lomo. Lo-mo.

Hmmm. Lomo appears to be conked out, Hope. So Lomo doesn’t get any. Hope sweetie, can you reach the tissues?

Goodness gracious, I don’t see any tissues. Crumby do you see any tissues anywhere?

Er. Let me concentrate. Yepper. Yepper. Yepper. It’s coming to me now. Yepper. Lomo fergot to pack the tissues.

That’s very funny Crumby. But Lomo has flopped over on the seat up here and he’s drooling. So I need some tissues. But since someone forgot to pack the tissues, there aren’t any tissues. So now I need a bandana. But I can’t reach Lomo’s bandana without fooling around in his nether regions. And I’m not going to use my bandana. And I’m sure Hope feels the same way about her bandana. So now I require your bandana, Crumby.

Whut do ye want my bandana fer, Rayetta?

Crumby, I am a lady much in distress that requires a bandana to relieve her distress. So toss me your bandana.

Well, why didn’t ye say that in the first place, Rayetta?

Crumby!

Er, all righty then. Here ‘tis.

Good. Now I can just stuff this in Lomo’s mouth. There, that’s better. Gross. Anyway, Crumby have you foreseen anything yet?

About whut, Rayetta?
_____

The cuddle doves or cuddle bunnies or whatever, Ray and Olwen, meantime, had weathered their twain first lovers’ fuss. So, naturally, they enjoyed post first fuss sexual intercourse in the back seat of the Crown Vic. (You know yourself, maybe, how good post first fuss sexual intercourse can supposedly be). But Ray and Olwen had lots to do if they were going to get Ray’s retinue to clean up Upyeraholes‘ Chamber and vicinity on B-665 down in the sphincter-like business end of the Castle of Justice as Olwen planned. Off they went in the back seat of the Crown Vic and then to a drive in restaurant that featured, car hops. Both of them, Ray and Olwen that is, had worked up great appetites. (Oatmeal and pancakes are delicious, but those particular food items don’t stick to your ribs, long). Ray ordered a family pack for himself and a large strawberry malt and a side order of rings. Olwen ordered that too, except she got a large chocolate malt and a side salad. Ummm. Everything was delicious.

Once Olwen and Ray slaked their great appetites for that nonce, and slurped up the last of the malts, Olwen began to discourse on her plan at Ray.

Ray sugar, could ye cease eye-ballin’ the car hops and pay attention to me, fer the nonce.

I wasn’t eye-ballin’ the car hops Olwen honey sweetie. I was just observin’ how hard they all work and how pretty and efficient they all are, sugar lamb.

Even so, Ray. Ye need to pay attention to me, Ray. Now Ray. Look at me, Ray.

Olwen helped Ray look at her by grabbing his right ear which stuck out handily, then his left ear, which also stuck out handily, and by then giving Ray an involuntary rubber neck in her direction.

There. That’s better.

Goodness Olwen. I have never seen ye looking lovelier. Perhaps we could hop in....

No Ray. We shall discuss my plan now.

But Ray stared vapidly at Olwen and rubbed his ears.

The plan to clean up the castle so we can see if daddy is still alive, Ray, so that ye can settle up with daddy if he is sill kickin’, Ray, do ye remember that plan, Ray, or perhaps ye would like now to clean up the place yerself as ye promised, boo-hoo-hoo.

There, there Olwen. Don’t cry. I’ll pay attention. Lookee here Olwen. I’m all ears. And Ray gave his sore ears a mighty wiggle to show that he was paying attention.

All righty then, Ray. Now here’s whut we shall do. Do ye still have that walkie-talkie?

Yepper. It’s in the trunk.

Good. So here’s what we shall do.

And Olwen White Track laid out her plan for getting the place cleaned up. Ray said it all sounded reasonable to him and Ray all righty then-ed in all the right places so that Olwen was at last convinced that Ray was paying attention and would remember enough of the plan to carry through with Ray’s parts in the plan, once the plan was put into action. Anon, the reasonably well-satisfied, Olwen, with Ray in tow, fixed to depart on Olwen’s nightly rounds and Ray waved goodbye to the pretty and efficient car hops and got a smart pinch for that. Later and eventually the weary cuddle doves or cuddle bunnies or whatever, alit back at their little room and their little bed at the tourist court where the twain of them slept peacefully upon the Bosom of the Goddess as Ogma spread a fired up dawn. But not before they enjoyed sexual intercourse.

Red Takes Over. fer awhile

How did ye spell ye liked yer aigs agin, Ray-mone? Avec whut? Whoa! All righty then. Oh, Practical Nurse, Bill the Garcon. Ye have not prepared my aigs nor Ray-mones aigs properly. So take these here aigs ye fixed up improperly out to the pigs, and then fix us up aigs like we informed ye to fix us up in the first place. But wait up fer the nonce, Practical Nurse Bill, fer ye fergot to curtsy and oui-oui. Also ye need to refer to yer boss properly as Monsieur Rouge. There now. Oui-oui. Har, har. Ray-mone, this here play-actin’ like we be frogs at breakfast be lotsa fun, har, har.

But now I got to work on this here calendar fer the nonce. Fer hark! Time has swept Monsieur Rouge along anon to right here and stuck me with this chore. Lemme see, I be whut? I be whut? I be whut? Er. I be whut? I be whut? I be whut? Er. I be whut? I be whut? I be whut? Er. Hark! Hyer’s Practical Nurse Bill back agin. Say there Practical Nurse Bill, how did them pigs enjoy their aigs? They did. Har, har, them dern pigs. But lemme see. I be whut? I be whut? I be whut? Er. I be whut? I be whut? I be whut? Er. I be whut? I be whut? I be whut? Hark, Practical Nurse Bill, them new aigs look plenty delicious. Don’t them new aigs look delicious, Ray-mone? Set them aigs right on down here fer me and Ray-mone, Practical Nurse Bill.

Aaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaaa-chooo.

Dang it, Practical Nurse Bill, yer spreadin’ snoofer germs a full cubit in ever’ direction. Go on out back and feed them aigs to the pigs, likewise. Er. Er. Er. Reckon whut’s ailin’ Bill? Er. Er. Er.

Hark! Got ‘er. Hyer ‘tis. Fer the month of the days of the Julian fer April 15-May 12, I be a Wind-Dispersed Fornicator and the CB Tree is Carya illinoiensis and Quercus virginiana.

Har, har. I got to spell this 'un to Ray, if’n he ever gets back hyer, dern Ray’s hide.

Ray's Thought for the Day - Ray and Olwen Part 2-4

As Red noted, a fractional component of the CB Druidry did depart, at last. This is the manner of that departure:

Hmmmm. The gear is fairly well sorted. But Lomo, you need to move that particular gear into the cargo area. And Crumby you need to move that gear to the fourth bench seat where you Crumby are going to be seated. Won’t that be nice Crumby? You and that gear will have a whole seat all to yourself way in the back.

But Rayetta, I want to sit closer to the front so I can see better and do plant community ecology while we go along.

No Crumby, you don’t. That theory relies excessively upon a potential safety topic environmental hazard issue and is the same reason you don’t get to drive. Now go sit in the back and talk to yourself quietly, or as quietly as you can manage.

All righty then, Rayetta. But I aint ridin’ back there the whole time. I wanna see out.

Perhaps Crumby, if you’re fairly quiet and don’t annoy me excessively, you can move up to third seat eventually, maybe. Now then. Hope you shall sit in the second seat, Lomo shall drive and I shall ride shotgun.

But Rayetta. Goodness gracious sakes alive, I must be the first to espy Ray so I should sit up front with Lomo.

No Hope. You shouldn’t. For being the first to espy Ray is the duty of Ray’s family, and that is me. Besides, I get car sick if I have to sit in the back. So everyone get in their places and put their seat belts on, and away we shall go.

Away they went. But the CB Druidry had not gone far before Hope the Extra Alert spotted someone she knew heading in the opposite direction.

Goodness. There goes Bill the Practical Nurse from the Joke Factory. I wonder what he’s doing in these parts. Yoohoo, Bill. What are you doing in these parts?

But Bill, the Practical Nurse didn’t hear Hope very well, so Bill just grinned and waved back and kept going.

Away they continued. But after a while Rayetta looked upon Lomo and Lomo’s great brow ridge sticking out and Rayetta decided she had some advice for Lomo. “Now Lomo, I have some very important paper work for the nonce so I won’t be keeping track of where you are going. So if you are not sure where you are going, stop the vehicle right then in a safe place and spell, “Lovely Druidess Rayetta, Lomo don’t know where he’s going,” and I will interrupt my very important paper work and help you. Do you understand, Lomo?”

Yepper, Lomo understand.

Good.

Away they continued on the quest to save Ray. And for awhile they had a quiet pleasant trip. But anon a terrible groan emanated from the general direction of the fourth seat and the terrible groan rose in volume and urgency until Hope could stand it no longer.

Goodness gracious Crumby. What is the matter with you?

It’s Red. Somethin’ terrible has happened to Red. Turn around. We got to go hep Red.
_____

There is a little known fact, so little known, that this particular fact almost rises to the level of a Druidic mystery, but not quite that high. So we may discuss this little known fact, openly, after all. Remember, Crumby was a difficult student and it took Crumby a few years longer than average to matriculate to the Druidry and learn how to be an Ovate. Over all those years, spanning two decades and more, Red was Crumby’s constant companion and teacher. That is why it sometimes appears these days that Red and Crumby share the same thoughts and ideals and even use the same grammar lots of the time and often seem to share a common vocabulary. Or another spelling of this same difference would be that Crumby and Red spent so much time together that they gradually became more and more alike. But the relationship goes even deeper and more sinewy. Over many moons, this kind of really intense Druidic relationship of a teacher like Red and a student like Crumby can get so involved and tedious that they begin to feel for each other, literally. So if one of these twain felt a really rousing emotion, the other would feel it too. An example, once when Crumby felt a terrible agonizing affliction, like when the time the Goddess smote Crumby with a lawnmower because she was aggravated with Crumby’s slow, indeterminate progress and back-sliding, Red felt that lawnmower smack into himself too, as if Red was Crumby and Red was the one not making any progress. So that’s what was happening now. Practical Nurse Bill had just explained to Red, “If you don’t behave yourself and stop that cussing and hollering, I’m going to have to give you a nice enema. “ So Red let out a groan of despair, from having his newly won freedoms snatched away before he had hardly any chance to enjoy them or even have a single solitary Dolmen Stout. So Crumby, also feeling all that angst and sense of loss, groaned along with Red.
_____

Lomo! Don’t you dare turn the vehicle around. Crumby! Hush up. As I, the LDR predicted and took appropriate counter spells against, Red was fixing to backslide into those twain wickedness-es and wastes of time, wine bibbery and TV demon baiting. So I arranged with Nancy, the Goddess of Practical Jokes to send Bill over to look after Red while we were off on our quest to rescue Ray. It’s as simple as that. Do you understand, Crumby?

It aint fair, Rayetta. He’s gonna give Red a enema.

No he’s not Crumby. Bill’s only threatening to give Red an enema. That’s not the same difference.

I aint convinced. But I’ll let it lie fer the nonce, fer Red seems to have calmed down a mite. But I swan, if Bill gives Red an undesired enema, then Bill’s got the Crumby Ovate to deal with.

Hmmm............Hmmm........ Lomo could you pull over and stop the vehicle in a safe location. I need to get out and make a private cell phone call.

Yepper. Lomo stop in safe spot.

Thank you Lomo. Practical Nurse Bill is that you? - Raymone. - Go get Practical Nurse Bill. Jeez Louise. - La-de-da. - Well take your time! - Hmmmmm. - Practical Nurse Bill? - Yes. This is the Lovely Druidess Rayetta. - Yes, yes, I’m hunky-dory. - But listen up. You are not to do anything, repeat anything, to Red to rile him up. - Irrelevant, Practical Nurse Bill. You urgently need to keep Red calm and happy at all times. - I don’t care what he’s up too, you keep him calm and happy or I shall have the Crumby Ovate to deal with and he’s right here in the back seat of the same vehicle with me. - That’s tough Nurse Bill. You better keep Red calm and happy or you will have the LDR and the Crumby Ovate to deal with.- Stop that sniveling. - Stop it.- There, that’s better. And remember, Practical Nurse Bill, if Red get’s riled up, I’ll know it instantaneously, almost, and I’ll have to come back to the Cow Barn and then you will have both Crumby and me to deal with in addition to Red. - Do you understand? - All righty then. - Yes, he can have some Dolmens. - Just try to keep him away from the TV. - Good Goddess man, I don’t know, you’re the Goddess lala nurse. - Just do it. - Bye. The Lovely Drudiess Rayetta then sighed forlornly. Jeez Louise. I should probably make Crumby walk back to the CB. But then there’s no telling what would happen to Practical Nurse Bill. Oh well.

So then Rayetta climbed back up into the front seat of the big vehicle. But.as Rayetta was climbing up and in and was temporarily faced backwards in the general direction of Hope and Crumby further back, Rayetta chanced to espy the happy, even enthusiastic countenance of Hope, and Hope’s bright eyes.

Hope dear, you wouldn’t by any chance have One of These, would you?

Why yes Rayetta, I have an inexhaustible supply?

Hmmm. Then give me two, and give Crumby four. No. You don’t get any Lomo. You’re driving. There now. That’s better. Now I shall buckle up and away we go.

Away they went. Pretty soon all the Druids except Lomo decided to have a sing-a-long and then the quest to rescue Ray proceeded along merrily, indeed. And these particular Druids were all good singers and enthusiastic.

“Ye know I love ye baby, but don’t ye think that maybe
the way ye talk down to me, sends a chill right through me
white trash. Don’t call me that!”*

And Crumby got to move up into the third seat.
_____

Olwen and Ray were having a swell time too, sight-seeing. For Olwen, like Ray had an affinity with the Crown Vic and all Olwen had to do was visualize a sight and pretty soon the Crown Vic would drive right up on the lawn of that visualized sight. But it was getting late and Ray and Olwen had promised to go see Upyeraholes, Olwen’s daddy. So after enjoying sexual intercourse, off they headed to the Castle. This time, unlike last time, the gate was wide open so they drove on in and parked on the lawn in the neighborhood of where Ray parked the last time.

Out the twain of them hopped, both Olwen and Ray, from the relative safety of the Crown Vic and off they hopped through the familiar labyrinth hallways right in the general direction of the tell-tale signs of the elevator that eventually fetched down on B-665.

Sure is quiet in these parts.

Preternaturally quiet.

Sure smells musty.

Preternaturally musty.

Look, there’s our heart.

Let’s enjoy sexual intercourse.

All righty then.

Whoa! This place is a mess.

Goodness. What has daddy been up to?

Jeez Louise.

Mercy.

Sure is purrt in these parts.

Ray, could I borrow your, bandana, please?

Yep. I’ll hold my breath.

So Ray and Olwen proceeded a very, very, very short distance in the general direction of Upyeraholes, Chief Justice. But anon, Ray and Olwen had similar thoughts regarding the relative attributes of penny loafers and gold lamee‘ high-heeled sandals versus galoshes.

Ray sugar, this is too icky, baby.

Yer right Olwen darlin’. We are liable to ruin our shoes.

So Ray and Olwen backed off. But Ray hollered out as loud as he could. “Me and Olwen have come back to see ye, like we promised, daddy rabbit. But it’s too icky down here. So we’re backin’ off. But we’ll see ye anon, maybe.”

Ray and Olwen didn’t know if Upyeraholes heard them or not, for it was a very great distance from the elevator to Upyeraholes throne, but they had to get the heck out of there right then so that’s what they did do.

“Whew.” “Whew.” This time they didn’t enjoy sexual intercourse in the elevator, but hopped it mighty quick to the Crown Vic where they took turns snorting the combo fuzzy dice and car deodorizer and rubbing it on one another.

Whut are we gonna do now, Olwen?

Daddy may be dead Ray. It sure smelled like he is.

Yeah but, whut are we gonna do now, Olwen?

We got to get the place cleaned up, Ray.

Well don’t look at me.

Well don’t look at me, neither.

Whut are gonna do now, Olwen?

Ray, dang it, stop sayin’ that?

Whut Olwen?

That!

Whut?

Boo-hoo-hoo.

There, there Olwen. Don’t cry. Whut are ye cryin’ fer Olwen? Let’s enjoy sexual intercourse.

No Ray. Not until we get the place cleaned up.

Well, don’t look at me.

Boo-hoo-hoo.

Er. All righty then Olwen dear, sweetie pie, honey. sugar, darlin’. I’ll get the place cleaned up, maybe.

You will, snuffle?

Yepper.

Good. Then I have a plan. We’ll get the retinue to clean up the place.

All righty then. You sure are smart Olwen.

Red Takes Over, fer awhile

There they all go at last. Great Goddess. Maybe I can get some peace fer a spell. I can watch all the TV news I want. And guzzle up all the Dolmens I want. And holler at the TV as much as I want. And get drunk. And holler at the demons on the TV. Raymone, get yer sissy French lala in here fer....... Hold it. The Arkdruid must be takin’ a break er somethin’. Shitfire and firefucker, fer sure, I can cuss all I want too. Raymone, get yer sissy French ass in here pronto, and no, see yer pay, neither.

Que'st cous sez, monsieur Rouge?

Huh? Anyhow. Show me how to load this gizmo up. I got to perform the chores fer the bunch that’s run off, fer the nonce. Then I can get drunk and holler at the demons in peace.

Oui, monsieur Rouge.

There now. There it be somewheres. That’s Sisyrhinchium pruinosum in case ye don’t know it er don’t recognize it. Blue-eyed grass some of the ignorant and vulgar, may name it. There’s lots of it here at the Cow Barn these days. Fer Crumby stole some a while back and we have been growin’ those originals up, and encouragin’ them to fornicate, and they have fornicated some, but nothin’ like to compare with Ray, by all accounts.

All righty then. Whut other shitfire and firefucker fersaken chores have I got? Here’s one Hope left me. “Goodness gracious Red. You know what I forgot, because I have been so worried about Ray, off in the clutches of that Olwen person? I forgot that we require a new calendar month. So please Red. Cover for me and come up with a new calendar month so it will be all ready when I return with Ray.

Hur-rumpff. So ye fergot, did ye. Well now, ye nasty little busybody goody two-shoes know-it-all optimist. Ye never fergot to monitor Red’s TV watchin’ did ye. Nosirree. Ye’d monitor away. Then ye’d snivel at me, Red, it’s time to go to bed now. Red ye only get that one Dolmen, now. Red, stop that hollerin’ now. Hu-rumpff. All righty then, I’ll think up a tree, fer ye mebbe. Right after I get drunk and holler at the demons on TV, mebbe.

Dern! Here be another un. Whut’s this un want. Uh, oh. It be frum Nancy.

_____

Mr. Red Ears
Proprietor and Senior Ovate
Red’s Good Vs. Evil Cow Barn (RGVECB)

Dearest Red,

The Lovely Druidess Rayetta (LDR) has communicated to me, Nancy, the Goddess of Practical Jokes (GPJ), that Ray has run off with a moon goddess. I was very surprised to hear such news, considering both Ray and the relatively high standards of moon goddesses. But Rayetta is a credible source. So I have agreed to assist Rayetta with sorting out the antics of the run-a-way fornicator, Ray. Rayetta also informed me that Hope Remains shall be in the company, questing for Ray, and that the company would also include the idiot, Crumby Ovate, and, if I remember correctly, also a monkey.

The departure of this fractional component of the RGVECB would leave you under-monitored, Red. And we can’t have that. So I have dispatched Nurse Bill over to look after you. Nurse Bill should be arriving at the Cow Barn, anon.

Yours Truly,

Nancy
_____

Yikes! Triplicate firefuckers and stick my dick in the electric fan! Raymone! Bar the doors and keep quiet. Nobody’s home.

Monsieur Rouge. Oh! Monsieur Rouge. You have a visitor.

Ray's Thought for the Day - Ray and Olwen Part 2-3

When Ray finally woke up to his old, semi-fired-up self, way late that afternoon, he looked around and espied Olwen White Track performing some of her famous naked stretching exercises. So then Olwen and Ray enjoyed sexual intercourse. After they enjoyed sexual intercourse they went into the comfort station most handy to their little room and did some ablutions. Then they went off to find a 24/7 breakfast place which wasn’t easy in those days, but the Crown Vic knew right where to go. Olwen got to drive, drive, drive. “Ray, sugar, this is the neatest car, and you already have a steering wheel knob with me on it. Isn’t that sweet of you.” At the 24/7 breakfast place, Ray had a huge big bowl of oatmeal with lots of raisins and apricot jam and a little sweet milk. Olwen had pancakes with butter and maple syrup and the extra large orange juice. Mmmm. Everything was delicious. Over supper, Ray and Olwen made small talk.

“Ray are ye goin’ to hurt daddy real bad fer cheatin’?.”

“Easy that, yepper. I am, maybe.”

“Ray, are ye goin to hurt daddy real bad, fer yer cousins windin’ up in the swine chow and Joe havin’ to stay in the laundry hamper?”

“Easy that, yepper, I am, maybe.”

“Ray, are ye gonna get payback fer yer real momma?”

“Easy that, yepper I am, maybe.”

“Ray, do ye know whut happened to yer retinue?”

“Er, the dang retinue. I clean fergot about the dang retinue. Wait fer the nonce. They have a trackin’ device on me and are liable to intrude on us, anon.”

“Noper, they won’t either.”

“They won’t?”

“Noper. That particular tracking device aint on the Crown Vic. It’s on the bus that perambulates rhythmically between town and Upyeraholes Castle.”

“Dern! Ye sure are smart Olwen. Let’s go enjoy sexual intercourse in the back seat of the Crown Vic before we head out to Upyeraholes’ Castle.”

“All righty then.”

So the twain of them, both Olwen White Track and Ray did all that, again. But in between those activities, both the enjoyment of sexual intercourse and heading out to the castle, Olwen drove Ray around. For Ray was new to this general neighborhood and needed to see some sights. So Olwen showed Ray some sights.
_____

Meantime, back at the good old CB, a fractional component of the CB Druidry was fixing to go rescue Ray:

Are ye ready yet, Rayetta?

In a minute, Crumby.

All righty then. I’ll just wait here a minute. Did ye hear that Lomo? We need to wait here a minute fer Rayetta to get ready. Lookee. Here comes Hope. Are ye ready yet, Hope?

Yepper. Goodness gracious sakes alive. Is Rayetta still not ready? Crumby, holler out at Rayetta to hurry up. Rayetta finds you Crumby, most annoying, and such hollering shall put a bur under her saddle and thus expedite her progress.

Er. All righty then. Are ye ready yet, Rayetta?

Crumby! I said ............, just a minute.

All righty then. Did everyone hear that? Rayetta, said just a minute.

Goodness gracious sakes alive. Crumby, holler at Rayetta another time.

Er, er. All righty then. Are ye ready yet, Rayetta?

Crumby! Stop rushing me. I said............., just a minute.

Goodness gracious sakes alive. Crumby. Holler at Rayetta again. Holler that everyone else is ready.

Er, er, er. Maybe that’s not such a good idea, Hope, maybe.

Crumby, do you miss your bosom companion, Ray, or not?

Er, I miss Ray, somewhat sorely, but, but, but, maybe I ought not holler at Rayetta a fourth time, maybe. Fourth times er problematic, fer me.
_____

Perhaps, from the above, the discerning among you may discern the cruel dialectic that afflicts Crumby every moment he’s awake, and even intrudes into his quality time upon My Ample Bosoms, the Bosoms of the Goddess. But at the nonce, I shall goose Rayetta and spare Crumby. There. That’s better.

Arianrhod

I put the Caer, in Caer Arianrhod
So Ye Better Get Right, with the Goddess
_____

Hello boys. Hello Hope. Is everyone ready?

Yeppers.

Well, there has been a change of plans. Instead of taking two of the CB vehicles we shall take one big one. And instead of you twain, Hope and Crumby, going to find Ray, and I, the LDR going to visit Nancy, we shall all go to the Joke Factory and pick Nancy up on the way to find Ray. Nancy wants to go with us to find Ray. And Lomo, you are going along because you are easier to boss around than Crumby. All righty then. Does everyone understand all that?

Yeppers.

Hmmmm. Now let’s see. Lomo, take Crumby and the twain of you, load all the gear up in a big vehicle, expeditiously. Be sure to leave lotsa room for Nancy too. Nancy may have lotsa gear. And while you, Lomo and Crumby, are loading all the gear up expeditiously in a big vehicle so there will be plenty of room for Nancy, Hope and I shall have some coffee. Does everyone understand all that?

Yeppers.

Needless to say, so powerful was the LDR’s foretelling that all that came to fruition, anon, expeditiously.

Ray and Olwen Part 2-2

Ray snoozed happily on, or in near proximity to, the Ample Bosoms of the Goddess, unaware that a fractional component of the CB Druidry was, at that very moment, fixing to come save him. And Olwen cuddled up next to Ray. But at the Castle of Justice there was no such peace and contentment. For way down yonder in the stygian Chambers of the giant Upyeraholes, Chief Justice, Upyeraholes was annoyed to the point of extreme aggravations and vexations. And Upyeraholes did holler out his aggravations and vexations so that the entire Castle of Justice shook from the impacts of being assaulted by the sound waves toting those aggravations and vexations along through the air. Yea verily, all the minions and justice seekers in the castle heard the terrible hollering of Upyeraholes and also many of those in the neighborhood of the castle heard him too. But Upyeraholes wasn’t just hollering to be hollering like some do. Upyeraholes was hollering: 1) I been robbed and assaulted. 2) Anybody that comes down here and heps me will get a nice reward like an extra holiday, maybe, or some justice or some free loot. 3) But any of ye that don’t hep, shall live to regret it.

A great many of the minions or justice seekers hearkened to Upyeraholes’ hollering. For it was rumored that no peckers had been lost for a good while and that the slobber flood on the lower floors had generally receded. So some of the minions or justice seekers eventually fetched up in the general vicinity of the elevator that went down to B-665, and the fiercest or greediest or boldest or whatever, of all the minions or justice seekers shouldered their ways on board first. But the rest of them had to wait for the elevator to come back up.

The first bunch alit on B-665, debarked off the elevator and then herded along for awhile. Just like Ray and his retinue had also herded along previously. The first bunch off the elevator approached Upyeraholes just like Ray and his retinue did. But these in this bunch were the most adjectival of all the minions or justice seekers who were about the castle at that time and they were well organized and had thought to write down all their names and a list of stuff they would like done for themselves next to each name and they already had a plan to present the list to Upyeraholes so he could read about who was helping him and what each of the helpers wanted for their help.

But Upyeraholes, as you know, couldn’t look at the list. “Raise up mine eyelids,” hollered out Upyeraholes. Then the first herd of minions or justice seekers went about searching the Chamber and round about that vicinity for spare rigging that might be employed to raise Upyeraholes' eyelids up, so Upyeraholes could read their list.

Along came a second herd of minions or justice seekers even bigger in number than the first. Some of them had thought to write down their names and what they wanted in return for their help. But most of them had forgot to do that and were trying to borrow items to write on or with. “Find me that juvenile delinquent, Ray the vermin swine chow,” hollered out Upyeraholes. Then the second herd of minions or justice seekers went about searching the Chamber and round about for that juvenile delinquent, Ray the vermin swine chow. Some of them also searched for a pencil or paper.

Along came a third herd off the elevator, the biggest herd of all. This particular herd included lots of stragglers and strays and they were all just herding along to see what they could get and hardly any of them had even thought about a list. But some of them thought about a list once they began to mix in with the previous arrivals. At this third herd Upyeraholes hollered out, “Ye bunch get out the brooms and mops and tidy up. Er, some of ye may help the first bunch er the second bunch, but don’t bunch up.”

And yet more minions or justice seekers arrived so Upyeraholes soon had all the help he could get. Upyeraholes cheered up. For anon, with all the help available, Upyeralholes just knew that his eyelids would be raised expeditiously to happy sights of Ray. And Upyeraholes gloated on the many happy sights of Ray: Ray, Dying the Triple Death, Ray, Burned at the Stake, Ray, with a Red Hot Poker up his Lalahole, Ray, Skinned Alive, Ray, Ground Up in the Swine Chow, Tiny little chunks of Ray in the swine skitters and all the little tiny chunks begging and pleading, please don’t eat me again, please, please. (By the way, it is well known that swine sometimes eat their own skitters. But Gandhi drank his own lalajuice). So delighted was Upyeraholes with all these happy sights of Ray, especially the ultimate one, that Upyeraholes smiled with bemusement. Then Upyeraholes chortled with delight. Then Upyeraholes giggled with anticipation. Then Upyeraholes rocked with laughter. Then Upyeraholes roared with mirth. Then Upyeraholes lost control of both his major excretory exit holes simultaneously.

One may only imagine the colors, consistencies, aromas and volumes characterizing all that followed. However, if one thinks lemon cupcakes with cream centers, oily salted peanuts and icy cold RC soda water, all approaching inexhaustible quantities, one’s imagination gets a boost.

“Run for your lives!” “Save me Jesus.” “Praise be to Allah.” “Dad gum it,” These are examples of the assorted futile cries that rose to high heaven a long way off. For anon, none of the minions or justice seekers that had come down in the elevator to succor Upyeraholes was spared. In fact, they all drowned or smothered or got gassed.

“Oopsy daisy” allowed Upyeraholes, once he was all done.

But then Upyeraholes realized what he had done to himself and how quiet it was round about. “Whut am I gonna do now?” queried Upyeraholes of himself in a weak moment. But Upyeraholes soon shook himself free of the ennui and some of the shoowee and hollered out: 1) I been robbed and assaulted. 2) Anybody that comes down here and heps me will get a nice reward like an extra holiday, maybe, or some justice or some free loot. 3) But any of ye that don’t hep, shall live to regret it.

However, the remaining minions and justice seekers at the Castle of Justice ran and hid themselves or some went home. Upyeraholes was abandoned, all alone in the stygian, but partly red-lit darkness of his Chamber down on B-665.

We are Fixing to do Something about Ray

“All righty then. I’m ready. No. Wait a minute. Got to wash my hands first. All righty then. I’m ready. Is everyone else ready?”

Crumby finished up his personal ablutions in the boy’s comfort station at the CB in preparation for the upcoming quest to bring Ray home. Crumby wanted his bosom companion back, to help out with Sedge Buster. “It aint fair!” continued Crumby, addressing his remarks to everyone and no one in particular. “Where’s Hope? Where’s Rayetta? Reckon, they’re ready, yet? Where’s my spectacles? There they are. Perhaps I should have another delicious cup of coffee before I round everyone up. Yepper, maybe so, but maybe not. Where’s my Grizzly?”

Crumby had this gift. That wherever Crumby was, everyone, and no one in particular, could discover what was on Crumby’s mind, just by listening.

Hope Remains was ready indeed or nearly so. For where there is Hope, despair can not abide forever, maybe. “There now, a little of this and a little of that and one of these and I shall be quite presentable and all ready to go and rescue Ray from the clutches of that Olwen person.”

Hope, as one might suspect, kept a stash of controlled substances of the cosmetic and other categories, handy, just in case. One of these, distributed free with most of the practical jokes vended by Nancy, the Goddess of Practical Jokes, for the purpose of promoting the practical joke vending business, hopped Hope up. Best of all, Hope, as a personal friend and former student of Nancy’s, didn’t have to buy the jokes to get free samples. See! There’s always hope.

Rayetta, however, was not ready yet. Rayetta was rushing around fixing to get ready and Rayetta was grouchy.

“Are ye ready yet, Rayetta?”

“Jeez Louise. No Crumby. I’m not ready yet. And, its your fault I’m not ready yet. Go find Lomo and bring him back here in a little while. I’ll be ready to see you again, and Lomo in, let’s see, half an hour, maybe.”

“All righty then. I’ll go find Lomo. Why’s it my fault? Why’s Rayetta want Lomo? Where’s that dang Lomo? Ha! I know. I shall assemble a group photograph of all the different Eleocharis achenes together, once Ray gets back here to hep me.” foretold Crumby to everyone and no one in particular. But then, espying Lomo nearby, Crumby’s monologue focused. “Hey Lomo. Get on down from there Lomo. The LDR desires the presence of the both of us, anon.”

Ray's Thought for the Day -Ray and Olwen Part 2-1

The key components of Ray’s dismissed retinue, the triplets, Chitlin, Rumpler and Sleeza all had done business within Upyeraholes’ Castle of Justice, so they all had contacts within the Halls of Justice they could contact, and these contacts helped the triplets do business, or recreate, or have lunch, or shop, or whatever, when they visited the Castle of Justice. So when Ray cut them loose they headed for one of their favorite hangouts, the Pro Club at the golf course where they all had contacts plus their own lockers and the facilities also contained showers where they might wash off the slobber that had recently slobbered onto their persons. Chiltin, Rumpler and Sleeza were unhappy about the slobber because that much slobber actually getting on them was unprecedented. “The Kinglet shall be leaked information regarding my suffering on this quest due to the slobber and how hard I have had to work to keep track of that juvenile delinquent, Ray,” Rumpler threatened. “Well! I may leak some information to the Kinglet myself. Whoever heard of a secretary sent out on a quest only to be slobbered over? It’s disgusting!” partially agreed Sleeza, supporting Rumpler tactically, but not necessarily strategically. But Chitlin only whistled, “bob-white, bob-white, bob-white,” as he strode, or perhaps waddled, the labyrinth hallways.

Anon, the triplets and associated minions arrived in the vicinity of the shops that vended everything under the sun or moon. Chitlin and Rumpler and Sleeza were then kept very busy for a time as they ordered this or that minion into this or that shop to fetch this or that artifact or phenomena that might serve their several needs on the way to the Pro Shop, and that they could perhaps utilize after they arrived at the Pro Shop, and eventually expense as theoretical tax write offs, but actually the artifacts and phenomena were more like net profits. Surprisingly, not Chitlin, not Rumpler and not even Sleeza delegated a minion into the shop vending “The Herbaceous Legumes of Kansas”, which pamphlet Ray, you may recall, had so coveted while on his trip to the Crown Vic to get his sack lunch sack and also his inspirational knob.

But you will be comforted to know that Ray, the juvenile delinquent, did lift a copy of the pamphlet “The Herbaceous Legumes of Kansas” after he enjoyed sexual intercourse with Olwen on the elevator, but before he enjoyed sexual intercourse with Olwen in the back seat of the Crown Vic. Olwen checked out the pamphlet on the way to the tourist court. By way of critique, Olwen told Ray “It’s pretty good, honey lamb, but probably not all inclusive.”

On strode the significant triplets of Ray’s dismissed retinue and by the time they reached the environs of the Pro Club, the minions trailing in their wake were much encumbered with this or that artifact or phenomena. But soon the minions were unencumbered as they stowed all the loot into one or another of the triplets’ lockers. The minions wanted to get cleaned up too, but they couldn’t because they were all on duty and they were minions. And minions just have to put up with the slobber and splattered brains and other stuff that may stick on them in these situations. However, Chitlin and Rumpler and especially Sleeza showered off and tidied themselves up. After they got showered off and tidied up, Chitlin and Rumpler and Sleeza, all went to have a nice meal at the Pro Club Restaurant. Anon, (Chiltin enjoyed three fifties of hunt-able quail. Rumpler wore brand new stripedy underwear on his old noggin as he dined, for none in those parts dared enforce the no hats at supper rule on one so mighty as Rumpler. Sleeza had something fishy.) after a delicious meal, all of the triplet felt lots better. But even so, some twain of the triplet, Rumpler and Ssleeza, began to argue about what still potentially pertained of the responsibility the Kinglet had delegated to them, to whit, to help Ray.

Chitlin, on the other hand, you may recall, was a seriously unwilling participant on the quest. Chitlin disliked taking orders from inferiors like the Kinglet. Moreover, Chitlin would have never been found ever, at one of his undisclosed locations, and he would never have participated on the quest ever, except as Ray suspected, Chiltin thought he might sneak around Olwen and get a peek or two. But that was the only reason Chitlin was on the quest. So Chitlin had no comment.

But Rumpler and Sleeza made up for Chitlin. Rumpler thought that they should play a round of golf, then go find a tourist court to spend the night. But Sleeza wanted to play tennis and then go to a nice tourist court. So the great debate raged for a while, but finally they decided that Rumpler would go play golf and Sleeza would go play tennis and Chitlin decided he’d go to an undisclosed location, but they would all meet up later on the lawn where the air conditioned limousines were parked and then go find a nice tourist court where they might comfortably spend the night. After all, in the unlikely event that Ray escaped the Big Hand the Law, and the Long Arm of the Law and Upyeraholes, well, didn’t do you know what to Ray, then they could always find Ray, or the Crown Vic anyway, with Rumpler’s tracking device. So the triplets all went their separate ways and they felt swell after their meeting, frank discussion and consensus on tactics and strategy. And all that they predicted would happen, in terms of their personal recreational activities and personal lodgings for that night, did happen. So it is an exaggeration to claim, as some do, that the triplets were wrong about everything.

But then, because the Crown Vic remained inert for a couple of days maybe, while Ray was engaged in winning Olwen so he might enjoy sexual intercourse with Olwen, the triplets discovered they had plenty of time for networking with their contacts and even for some recreational activities. Rumpler and Sleeza though, also dutifully leaked information to the Kinglet. “Ray was greeted with flowers and kisses by Upyeraholes.” “Upyeraholes was so glad to see Ray, he gave Ray a bath.” “Ray is within a lalahair of having sexual intercourse.” “Ray will have sexual intercourse, anon.” “Ray is about to have sexual intercourse, any minute.” Ray is determined to have sexual intercourse, eventually.” "We have a secret plan that will assure Ray gets to have sexual intercourse fairly soon.”

Chitlin, however sent but one terse line to his inferior, the Kinglet. “I am working secretly at an undisclosed location.” But even as Chitlin penned this terse note Chitlin surmised, “I should shoot Ray and shoot Upyeraholes and then I could have all Upyeraholes stuff, and all Ray’s stuff, and, slurp, Olwen White Track as well.

The Kinglet leaked back to the triplets. “Do you need Rover? If you want, I can send Rover over”.

Sleeza and Rumpler leaked back. “No Kinglet. You keep Rover. You need Rover.”

But Chitlin didn’t leak back. So the Kinglet assumed Chitlin didn’t need Rover, either. So Rover didn’t get to go.

Sedge Buster Part 3 Eleocharis Lesson 1 (Revised)

Ow! Stop arm froggin' me Rayetta.

Crumby! I told you not to call Olwen a strumpet. Now I mean it. Stop referencing an important moon goddess as a strumpet. And if you do it again I'm gonna really hurt you. Understand?

Yepper.

All righty then. Let's get these nasty little things labeled. Good grief. These are ridiculously tiny. Crumby, don't you have some bigger ones for the first picture?

Noper. This is the default one.

The default one?

Yepper.

Hmmmm.

Owwww. Whut did ye do that fer, Rayetta?

Because Crumby, I was waiting for you to elaborate on the spell, default one, and then, when no elaboration was forthcoming, I became exasperated.

I thought you knew what I meant.

No you didn't.

Yes I did.

No you didn't.

Yes I did.

No you didn't.

Yes I did.

Okie Dokie. There now all those parts are labeled. Now Crumby, explain to everyone what you meant by "the default one".

Easy that Rayetta, the default one is Eleocharis whateverensis.

Hmmmm. And?

It's all the ones ye may collect, but ye cain't figure out from the keys what they may be, fer sure, so ye call 'em E. whateverensis and everyone is generally happy then.

So Crumby. The very first lesson, of Sedge Buster Part 3 Eleocharis covers Eleocharis whateverensis?

Yepper.

Jeez Louise, Crumby. You are such an idiot. Up until now this very moment I thought Ray was a bigger idiot than you, but now I'm not so sure. Why start with one you don't know what is?

Easy that Rayetta, it's the default one.

Hmmm. Well, whatever. All righty then Crumby. Go sit over there out of the way next to the microscopery while a real sedge buster takes over. I, the LDR shall finish this one up myself.

First though, I have to load it up here somewhere. Ha. There it is. Hmmm. Crumby, can you espy in the microscope how many style branches are attached to the baby achene?

Er, maybe.

Well, how many?

Two Rayetta. No. Wait a minute. It has three, maybe.

Crumby!

Er, three, but one of them may have broke off?

Crumby! You are really lalaing me off!

I caint hep it, Rayetta.

Hmmm. All righty then. If you can't help it we'll finish this one, (Eleocharis whateverensis), up, anon.

The (Revised) Part

All righty then. Rayetta, I have a new picture here somewhere.

Let's see. Hmmmm. So it looks like two style tips, or stigmas or style ends of stimgatic tips or whatever. Right Crumby.

Correct Rayetta. That's what I sum too as well, two.

How many baby achenes on this specimen did you count style ends on Crumby?

Er, a few, maybe.

How many is a few Crumby, precisely?

This one.

Go back and count some more Crumby, for style tips is an important key character and that is why we are taking all the trouble to look at the baby achenes, to count style tips to see if we have two versus three.

But they're little and hard to get out their scales without breaking off the styles.

That's right Crumby. But the styles are deciduous from the mature achenes. So if you want to count style ends, you have to do it when the achenes are babies. That's just the way things are, and hard or not, you, Crumby Ovate have to count them. Also, here's a tip for you sedge busters out there. Make sure when you collect an eleocharis that you have both mature and baby achenes on the speicmen. Otherwise it may wind up identified as E. whateverensis.