Has anyone besides Crumby noticed that post offices never answer the phone, ever? It's true. And that's how the intrepid old Druid's latest anabasis began.
Crumby is fixing to try and get a passport. That's right. These days are so Sodom-like you need a Gomorrah-style passport to visit Canada or Mexico for Goddess' sakes. Mercy. US = Babylon. Ridiculous.
Theoretically, you can get a passport application started at a post office. So Crumby attempts to call the twain post offices in closest proximity to Stinky Valley. No answer. Then Crumby drives to possibly the closest one. Turns out, according to a postman in authorita, all the post offices in these parts now do passport applications only by appointment. And the appointments start next week. Next week. Which factoid you can only find out by actually visiting a post office. Because they don't answer the phone, ever.
Crumby, didn't want to wait until next week to start his application. Then a postal "worker" explained to Crumby that he could start a passport application at the Travis County Courthouse as an alternative to the post office. This particular postal worker actually had a handout listing the Travis County Courthouse as a place where Crumby could start the ball rolling. But when Crumby arrived at the courthouse, minus $2 worth of quarters for parking, Crumby was told that the only place for mere mortals to do passport applications was on the north side of Austink, specifically at another hall of pseudo-justice located on Airport Boulevard.
Fuck this, Crumby hollered. I'm not going. Fuck it. I am not driving way over there. Fuck it, you Babylonian Sodomites and usurious bastards from Hades.
However, on the way home, going down South Lamar, Crumby recalled that there was a petit-bourgeois outfit situated on Bannister Lane that might be able to help an old and weary traveler that hadn't even gone anywhere yet do a passport application.. So Crumby detoured toward what he hoped that location might be. Mercy.
More on this matter, anon.
OK. The passport application company Crumby recalled reading about is located on Bannister Lane, not far north of Ben White. But that's all Crumby can remember. Not the address, not the phone number, not the name of the outfit. Nothing. Nevertheless, Crumby figures he can find it.
I can use Druidic powers as a last resort if I need to, maybe.
Already on the first building Crumby reconned, he had to use up most of his Druidic powers figuring out there was no passport application company at that particular location. So then he was practically out of powers when he began investigating a cluster of four office buildings next door. That's why it took Crumby so long to locate the passport application office in the fourth building he visited. He was almost out of Druidic powers. Yet four has always been magic for the Crumby Ovate.
At last Crumby's perseverance began to pay off. All he needed was professional help. Anon, Crumby discovered from a professional, that his alleged birth certificate was just that, and he would need an actual birth certificate. Once he got that, the passport application ball could start rolling. Luckily, everything else needed for the application, including the passport photo, $16, was in order. And Crumby knew, from his Druidic powers which were coming back on line, that the birth certificate he had back at the CB was genuine.
Day two.
Crumby arrived at the passport application professional help office about 9:15 am, birth certificate in tow. By 9:48 am, Crumby was on his way back to the miserable Travis County courthouse toting an envelope with all his passport application information all neatly stowed and summed up. The only thing that made Crumby nervous is that he was afraid the people at the courthouse would remember him from the temper tantrum he threw yesterday. But apparently temper tantrums are not that rare at the courthouse, a house of Bad Karma.
So handing in the application at the courthouse, which only now handles
expedited applications, as of this last Monday, and getting the packet sworn in, sealed and stamped, was routine. Crumby hardly had to wait long at all. Then it was back to Bannister Lane. If all goes well, Crumby can pick up his passport there in two weeks or less.
Let's see. $75 - professional help (well worth it); $200 -feds: $25 - county; another $1.20 - parking meter. Mercy! Just to get out of Babylon for a few days.
