The Terminal Consumer

We have all espied them. Even worse terminal consumers than us. Fatties, hogging it up in their great vehicles. Driving along, guzzling gas in air conditioned comfort, chatting on their cell phones, with their mouths full, for Goddess sakes. Usually, the rear bumper features a Jesus Christ emblem, pitifully comparing themselves to that allegedly skinny or wormy ascetic. Mercy!

But should we feel superior? Well, maybe just a little bit. Crumby means, like, after all. There is a matter of degree to consider. But on the other hand.

Actually, Crumby pedaled over to the HEB on Brodie yesterday morning. Crumby’s goal was the acquisition of some delicious Krispy Crackers, the finest of all the saltines available on the so-called free market. Now first of all, heading over to that particular HEB on a bicycle is perilous for an average elderly old man like Crumby. But not much more perilous than heading over in a great vehicle or regular car. Yes. Mercy. It’s a perilous journey or trip. But the City of Austin, for reasons unknown, made that journey way safer recently. How so? A crew of concrete men installed wheel chair ramps on the sidewalk/driveway junctions just south of the Williamson Always Dry Creek crossing. Merciful Heavens! What a great civic improvement that was for the average cyclist in these parts.

Anyway, there Crumby went, cycling over to the HEB, his mouth watering, anticipating those delicious Krispy crackers he was fixing to purchase. Crumby figured to purchase three boxes, easily manageable in the bike basket. But once inside the actual HEB, checking out the cracker aisle, Crumby noted that the regular Krsispy Cracker slot was entirely void of any crackers. Meantime, right below the regular Krispy Cracker slot or shelf space, there was shelf space for whole wheat Krispy Crackers. Ugh! What kind of a sick f*** eats whole wheat saltines?

Therefore, the upshot is, Crumby rode all that way on a bicycle just to buy some crackers. But there were no proper crackers. Only whole wheat pervert crackers. Sick and disgusting.

Forlornly and wearily, Crumby pedaled on back to the CB. No crackers. Thought Crumby. And where is the corn on the cob? And what about the avocados? Where are the delicious Mexican avocados? And where’s the dang corn on the cob? Mercy!

Mercy Me and Me Oh My! Ant Baffles!

Goodness! It certainly has been awhile since the venue got an update. That’s because the computer’s hard drive underwent a nervous breakdown. With no hard drive, the computer would not work. With no computer, the internet would not work. With no internet, the venue, RGVECB, would not work.

While the computer was gone, Crumby sometimes found himself alone in the laboratory, staring sadly at the monitor. Sometimes, Crumby would think out loud to himself, how come the monitor’s off? Then Crumby would remember that the computer was gone to the nervous hospital to get a new hard drive installed. Mercy!

Holy Moley! Hard drive prices have sure come down over the last seven years. Crumby purchased a new, 500 GB at Best Buy for $49. How about that?

Everyone talks about the weather. And modern humans do something about the weather too. That’s right. We make it hotter.

This summer is going down as the hottest summer ever documented for these parts. Poetic justice since the collective average denizens of these parts are also about the worst gluttons ever documented. It’s good that they are suffering from the heat and paucity of rainfall. It’s the revenge of the WG and the death of nature.

Achtung dumbkopfs! Drought Alarm Level II. Fire Danger High.

Yes. For months we have been at Alarm Level II. Which means we are only supposed to water once a week with restricted hours on watering day. Course it’s impossible to water enough given those limitations. Thus, the options are, let your plants go dormant or maybe die, or cheat. Many cheat. And why not? All the highland lakes but two are brim full of water. That’s right. Brim full.

What are we saving all that water for? Easy that, new development. Long time residents conserve water so that new immigrants can splurge.

So what’s Drought Alarm Level III. That’s when we quit watering entirely, pour kerosene on the yard and set it on fire.

Meantime though, Crumby has got to keep the birds fed. Turns out though, the various ants, but acrobat ants in particular, took over the dang hummingbird feeders. Those ants swarmed those feeders.

Obviously Crumby needed to do something about the millions of voracious acrobat ants swarming the feeders. First, Crumby tried Vaseline Petroleum Jelly. That’s right. Crumby greased the wires on which the feeders were hung with the jelly which might otherwise have been applied to Crumby’s a-hole. Yet it was a waste of good jelly because the ants traipsed right through with never a bye yer leave. Dang!

Then Crumby decided he needed to try ant baffles. I shall baffle those ants. Crumby thought. But none of the various stores in these parts vended ant baffles. Therefore, Crumby decided on DIY ant baffles.

Here’s Crumby’s ant baffle in operation. It’s the bottom of a Tecate beer can. Crumby cut off the bottom of the can, then crimped the top of the cutoff portion all round, and folded the margin down. That way nobody will cut themselves on the sharp beer can. Safety first!

Crumby drilled a hole in the bottom of the baffle to be. He used a very small drill bit so the wire, when pushed through the hole would be nice and tight. To increase the surface area for glue. Crumby taped the bottom of the baffle over the drilled hole with gorilla tape. Crumby forced the wire through the hole and the tape. Finally Crumby applied a liberal amount of Gorilla Glue.

The ant baffles were allowed to sit over night so the glue would set up. Next day. Voila! Ant baffles.

You have to fill the ant baffles with water or maybe gasoline kerosene. Then they operate like a moat to keep the ants away from the feeder. Course you need to hang the baffle above the feeder. Not below the feeder. Crumby has also designed beer can ant baffles that can go on horizontal wires yet operate on similar principles.

Oh! Vincent Jerome did OK, finishing far from last en le tour.

Oh! Are those that believe in social democracy about ready to feel like armed self defense might be a good idea after all?

Vincent Jerome - A Profile in Courage

Vincent Jerome just completed 12 stages of Le Tour en la lanterne rouge. And if he could have slacked off a little today, he would have made it 13. But alas, while his French teammate held on to the maillot journe, Monsieur Vincent failed to keep up his end. So now he is next to last. Maybe though, the guy Monsieur Vincent beat will withdraw before the race tomrrow. Maybe!

In any event, Monsieur Vincent moved up four places today after four cyclists quit. But then he also had to out pace one additional participant, thus spoiling his last place streak. Oh well.

French In Charge, Fore and Aft

The French continue to totally dominate the Tour de France. That's correct. As of this minute a Frenchman is in first. A Frenchman is also in last. Yet it is the last place Frenchman, Vincent Jerome, that continues to amaze. That's because Monsieur Jerome has finished last on 12 successive stages. But at the same time he has also moved up in postion from 198 to his current rank, 175. How about that!

Crumby on Le Tour

Etre La Lanterne Rouge

Merci! It's a great day for the French, that some call Frogs. Oui!

What has happened? Well. Today, French bicycle riders finished first and last in Le Tour de France. The same French riders also finished first and last yesterday. So clearly, pre-montane, the French are totally dominating both ends of Le Tour. Bon!

Oui. Why should we care? Well. Crumby feels like he may have had a French great grandmother on his father's side. Also, unlike many of his ignorant or savage compatriots, Crumby has no problems with French fries. Mmm. Magnifique!

That's why Crumby is particularly pleased with the results of Le Tour so far. However, we need to skip over the surreal antics of the first place finisher to focus on the last place finisher, Vincent Jerome.

Many may know Vincent Jerome as Jerome Vincent. That's because he could just as easily be named Jerome Vincent. Who would know? But actually, the name of the man at the tail end of Le Tour is Jerome Vincent. I mean Vincent Jerome.

How did he get there?

Well. Vincent Jerome crashed on the first day of Le Tour and never fully recovered from the spooking that terrible crash gave him. So he has been situated in last place, at the end of every stage, 1-11, hence. Incroyable!

However. Despite finishing last on every stage, Vincent Jerome has actually moved up from 198 at the end of Stage 1 to 177 at the end of Stage 11. That's a not to be sniggered at improvement of 21 positions or slots in probably the most important bicycle race happening this year.

So bon voyage Jerome Vincent. I mean Vincent Jerome. You have the 110% support of the Druids in these parts.

Crumby Ovate reporting on Le Tour.

Unintended Consequences

Red has never, no matter what, ever, let us feed the birds. Until now. Yes. Now we are feeding the birds. Why did Red relent? Easy that. The growing season in these parts, due to the terrible heat and want of rain, was only a few weeks this year. Consequently, the wretched avians have little to eat. So the normally hard-hearted or penny pinching Red was fixing to feel sorry for the feathered vermin. Yes. Those nasty birds were begging at the back door for handouts much like hoofrats.

Therefore, Crumby was authorized to purchase twain hummingbird feeders, a bag of white sugar, a sunflower seed dispenser, a bag of sunflower seed, a suet feeder and a block of woodpecker suet. Surprisingly, several birds hopped on the various feeders immediately. For example, the hummingbirds were at the feeders within an hour. Cardinals, house finches and titmice have been to the sunflower seed feeder. But to the astonishment of many, the only birds to show interest in the "woodpecker" suet are the white-winged doves.

This dove has managed to actually attach itself to the top of the feeder. No mean feat. Lots of times when fixing to land on the feeder, they miss and fall off. Matter of fact, they always fall off the sunflower feeder (they are too big for the perches), so they probably view success at the suet feeder as compensation for frustration at the sunflower feeder.

Plant Photo with the 8mm Fisheye

Crumby was so hoping that the 8mm fisheye would be good for taking pictures of entire plants. But at first he was disappointed. Then he quit taking plant pictures because the weather got super hot with no rain for months on end. And plants generally lacked that photogenic quality that the average photographer is on the look out for. Or, to put it another way, the plants mostly looked dead.

Yet who is to say Stinky Valley is not beautiful? Here we espy lucerne (the French common name), also known as alfalfa (Medicago sativa), blooming vigorously up against the public school building. The nearby impervious cover (school building) and partial shade may account for this lucerne’s vigor. Yet how did it get here? Nobody knows. But it’s the only lucerne for many miles in any direction.

The pop up flash in combination with the 8mm lends a goofy effect to an already goofy picture. Espy that arm snaking out. That arm needed to fix to hold the lucerne steady in the furiously blowing hot wind that seldom ceases to afflict these miserable parts.

How Pitiful is that?

The males of Xylocopa tabaniformis parkinsoniae are very aggressive bees. They are also good fliers. As good as bee flies maybe. But there are few flower resources to buzz around, protecting from the other bees, flies, birds, people or whatnot. So this morning Crumby espied a male Xylocopa guarding a stop sign. Stop signs are red, aint they. How pitiful is that?

Plenty of Spiders

How many is plenty? Well. Plenty is when you see different spiders rather than the same old spiders. Here’s a newly documented jumping spider for the CB, (Maevia inclemens). Crumby feels like jumping spiders are more photogenic than average arthropods.

There’s no telling how many species of jumping spiders stay at the CB. But there seem to be plenty.