Crumby has been riding a bicycle in these parts for a year now, lately. And it gets scarier every day. Goodness!
Austink, where Crumby rides along, home base of what's his name, is listed among the 50 most cycling friendly cities according to a bicycle magazine at the doctor’s office. To qualify for the top 50, no cyclist got double tapped by a motorist in Austink the month the Bike Friendly City issue was getting laid out by the editors. Either that or the Chamber of Commerce bribed the magazine’s editor, or more likely, its ownership.
Well. In all fairness, the bicyclist does get a few breaks in the “weird” city. There are sometimes bike lanes. There are sometimes sidewalks. But the best and safest place to ride your bicycle, Crumby has discovered, is, continuous left turn lanes. There are sometimes continuous left turn lanes. You may know about those third lanes situated between the other two lanes where an average motorist can go to make a left turn. Luckily for the cyclist, those left turn lanes are generally empty. Away the cyclist goes, making swift progress in the continuous left turn lane while the motorists zoom along in their own lanes, uninhibited by you, the average slow moving cyclist or target.
Course the trouble is, continuous left turn lanes, bike lanes and sidewalks are not laid out so the average cyclist can go everywhere on them. No. But there are also parking lots. Those parking lots may come in handy too. So the goal is, to plan routes that you may pedal along in bike lanes, sidewalks, continuous left turn lanes and parking lots.
But alas, you may have to pedal down a regular street sometime or other. That’s why quiet residential streets are important. You need those to. But beware. A quiet residential street may not have any witnesses to a double tap.
OK. You have planned a route to the grocery store or liquor store that is all bike lane, sidewalk, continuous left turn lane and quiet residential street. Trouble is, there are intersections on busy streets to cross. You may have to actually stop your bicycle’s progress. You may have to, gasp, brake.
Crumby personally feels like he is most vulnerable on his bicycle when he is stopped. That’s because Crumby feels like, leaning akimbo ( because Crumby is too short for his foot to actually reach the ground on his inert bike stuck at the intersection) that all the surrounding motorists hate him. How does Crumby know they hate him? Well. They yell and holler crude remarks at Crumby. They throw litter at him. They splash him by racing through adjacent puddles after it’s rained. They blow horns and whistle at poor Crumby. Yes. Such a bike friendly spot this is, Crumby always reminds himself.
So never pedal to intersections with lights, ever. There is a reason those intersections have lights. The lights are there to regulate the progress of many angry motorists in great vehicles, made still angrier from getting stopped by the light. Yes. There those angry motorists are, stopped by the light, impatiently waiting for the light to change. Then along you come, pedaling, wobbling unsteadily amid the exhaust fumes, fixing to fit yourself between a great vehicle and the curb. All the drivers are watching you, hating you, wondering if you and your bicycle will somehow keep them from getting through the light once it finally turns green. Mercy!
In these parts, Austink, the bicycle haters are so confident in their hatred of bicyclists, they send hate mail to the Austink Falangist Daily, the local Nazi rag. Yes. Before Crumby gave up on the news, he used to read some of the Letters to the Nazi Editor. There they were, unabashed bicycle haters, spewing their venom in black and white.
They use the roads but don’t pay taxes. They slow down traffic. They don’t abide by the same traffic rules as cars. They get what they deserve (double tapped).
Mercy!
OK. Here’s what Crumby has learned he can do. Do plan brakeless trips. That’s right. Every time you go for a ride, you should hit your brake(s)a maximum of twice. Once when you get to your destination (liquor store) and once when you get back home. That sums to twain brakes a trip. Note. Ideally you should reduce brake usage to zero. Zero is your goal.
When pedaling on sidewalks or hike and bike trails employ a horn or bell to move the pedestrians out of your path. Like Crumby has a bell which he rings when pedestrians get in the way. Don’t worry. They’ll move if you ring or honk soon enough. And once they move, you won’t have to employ your brakes.
Do run stop signs. We have already discussed how you do avoid lights. But stop signs can be almost as bad. So time yourself and always run those stop signs. Always!
Uh! OK. You may have to stop at a stop sign sometime. But you have already planned your route. So if you must stop, make sure you are likely situated on a seldom used street with no angry American Nazi or Christian motorists lined up behind you. Goodness!
Do you know why the average American Nazis or Christians hate bicycles? Maybe not. The reasons are few, and so semi-complex, that we, Ray and me, can not go into them on such short notice. But at some future date in time or space we may assay to answer the terrible question,
Do you know why the average American Nazis or Christians hate bicycles?
So there Crumby was, fixing to fix his delicious, primarily canned supper dish, Crumby’s Canavecbeau, when he espied this spider in the sink. If you discover these particular spiders in these parts, they are liable to be in the sink. Don’t know why. Apparently, they do spit venom. But normally these spiders only spit at prey items, not Druid cooks. 
