Pope What’s His Name

Millions can’t remember the pope’s name. But that doesn’t matter because there is only one pope at a time. So, given that the pope is almost unique, why does he need a name in the first place?  And if he does need a name, why not Peter, always?

Pope Peter. Personally, Crumby feels like pope is plenty and Pope Peter would be redundant. But what do Druids know? Easy that. Not much when it comes to the inner workings of one of the great anti-pagan institutions of all time. For example, we only recently discovered that the pope’s infallibility only kicks in on church business. That’s why the Mafia has never bothered to kidnap the pope.

Yes. If papal infallibility applied to the future outcome of a ball game or a horse race, almost everyone would need personal access to the pope, just to compete. And the temptation to have the pope all to one’s self, would be too great for many. Mercy!

So the pope has retired and everyone is expecting the selection of another pope. Meantime, is the retired pope infallible? What if, at this very nonce, a cardinal or two is fixing to trick the retired pope into helping them by employing his infallibility for their exclusive benefit? Mercy! Surely everyone can espy that God or some other responsible party needs to have stripped the retired pope of his infallibility, like yesterday.

Yes. Crumby is pretty sure that the retired pope is no longer reliably infallible. But that means, any church business decisions made between now and the selection of a new, infallible pope, are liable to be fallible. Goodness. So that also means all the decisions probably should be put on hold until the new, reliably infallible pope is installed. Then, a new, totally infallible pope can employ his infallibility to quickly and efficiently deal with the potentially important church business documents and whatnot that have piled up on his desk.

Heroic Struggle, Died Unexpectedly

Red has relaxed his Cow Barn media ban allowing Crumby to peruse the obituaries in the fascist daily, Austin American Statesman.  Yes.  And Crumby enjoys the obituaries.  Yet Crumby has noticed that in the obituaries, the quitters may either die unexpectedly, or after a heroic struggle.   Crumby feels like these twain quitter strategies are probably mutually exclusive.  That's because, presumably, an heroic struggle is long on duration and suffering, but the end is generally predictable or inevitable.  Whereas, on the other hand, to die unexpectedly is a gobsmacking out of the blue. 

So there it is.  One may discover a Druid Dichotomy even in the obituary pages of a fascist newspaper.  (Which would you rather, die unexpectedly, or after a heroic struggle?).    Hmm.  Since death, unlike taxes, is inevitable, everyone should be ready  or prepared.   Like the potential quitter should have a will ready to go.  That way, unexpected death, while a bummer for the quitter,  maybe, is less troubling to those lining up to receive his or her stuff.  And what about mortal remains disposal.  The pre-quitter needs to spell that out too.  Then,  with all that done, the quitter who dies unexpectedly is just about trouble free compared to the heroic struggler.

The heroic struggler, of course, has plenty of time for a will and a disposal strategy.  Yet Crumby can easily imagine a heroic struggler who also refuses to do any paperwork, due maybe to an antisocial disposition.  Mercy!  We are now discussing the worst of all possible species of quitter.  Yes.  This particular quitter lingers heroically for like forever;  yet during all that time won't do up a  will or provide documentation for mortal coil disposition.

I don't know if this is any help or not, but Karl overheard Crumby tell Ray that Ray could have Crumby's  Voodoo Doll collection.  Also,  dead Crumby needs to be dumped in a public bar ditch. 

The Big Ass Year

Crumby's Big Ass Year continues.  Yes.  Crumby keeps listing new birds for the year no matter how stupid that is.  Actually, listing new birds for the year would be less stupid if Crumby had done another Big Ass Year previously.   That way he could compare the order the trash birds showed up from Big Ass Year to Big Ass Year. 

Hmm.  Comparing Big Ass Years does sound interesting.  Like this Big Ass Year, the house sparrow is number two at 8:27 AM on January 1.   How will the house sparrow rank during the next Big Ass Year?  Exciting!  What if Crumby journeyed off somewhere on next Big Ass Year,  New Year's Day, just to avoid enumerating or listing a house sparrow?  Tricky!

Here's some documentation for one of the latest members of Class Aves to get listed on this Big Ass Year list.  Look!  It's a sharp-shinned hawk.   Sadly, we have nothing to show the scale,  but take Crumby's word for it, this is a mighty small hawk.  Dern branches!

Crumby feels like sharpies are much less common in these parts than Cooper's hawks.  Except maybe during migragtion when literally maybe 10 sharpies may zip over compared to eight Cooper's, thus almost overwhelming the birding public with their astounding numbers. 

My Goddess, Booblicanism is Confusing

Crumby has been wracking his brain, trying to figure out why the dopey Booblicans in the Senate oppose Hagel.   It's like as everyone knows, the Goofy Old People (GOP), feel like government is an impediment to the rich, so why not render government totally ineffectual.  That's what we do down here in the Booblico duh Tejas.  Like check out our Cancer Prevention Research Institute as an example.  The Cancer Institute is a partnership between private enterprise and the state government.   The state provides the tax money while the private enterprises get the money.  Then,  everyone that doesn't catch cancer, goes home happy.  It's 110% win-win!

So why don't our twain Tejas Booblican senators in the US Senate apply the same kind of disfunctionalality to the Hagel nomination.   Assuming Hagel is a traitor plus incompetent, then Hagel should be the one to lead the Defense Department.  Yes.  A total shill of the Ayatollah should be perfect for making the gov look bad.  So vote for Hagel, you twain Tejas pendechos.  And make the government look really bad!

We'll' Keep the Red Flag Flying Here

As everyone knows,  the preferred politics of most Druids is communism.   And like most  communists, we are apt to apologize for the shortcomings of our globally distributed comrades, busy manufacturing defective products in foreign lands.  For example, these days a modern Druid is far more likely to be found shopping at Harbor Freight ( the proletariats favorite communist outlet store) than at  the park offering mistletoe berries to a republican baby.  Yet, even so, we are not 100% with the comrades in the  Chinese light bulb manufacturing industry. 

Here's another example of a lightbulb of Sino manufacture scaring the Bejesus out of a typical Druid Ovate like Crumby.   Yes.  Sadly, Crumby was utterly unable to predict this.

There Crumby was,  innocently minding his own business when suddenly one of the three light bulbs affixed in the fixture over his noggin actually exploded.  But here's the wierd part.   Though the bulb exploded all righty, the filament is intact and still functioning, emitting plenty of light.  Here'a peekture of that.  Good Goddess protect Crumby from the crazy products of his fellow workers.

Change Big Ass Year to Big Ass Month

Life, really is a pointless exercise in futility. Since Friday last, Crumby has endured a plumbing emergency, a gas leak emergency and a jury duty summons. Yes. Thanks to a stupid propensity for civic duty (voting), Crumby is generally afflicted with usually about two jury duty summons annually.  (No matter what anyone says to the contrary, the responsible parties really do Shanghai jurors from the voting rolls.) 

Well. All this life as the miserable know it caused Crumby’s blood to boil. Literally. Yes. While at the doctor’s office for a physical, Crumby’s blood pressure figured at 150/92. Is that great or what? Plumbing emergency, gas emergency, jury duty, physical, and high blood pressure alert! Still fixing to recover from quadruple bypass surgery! Trying to re-plan the missed Alaska vacation! A medical emergency or death almost certain before that vacation can happen, again! Trip insurance! Who would sell trip insurance to this man? Life as we know it really is a pointless exercise in futility.

Which brings Crumby round to an old hobby Crumby has recently tried to dust off. Birding. Crumby ordered a birding book for Alaska just before life shit all over him. In fact, the thought of Crumby’s new book arriving gave Crumby something to look forward to as he strived at keeping his breathing apparatus or nasal passages above all the normal life shit that threatened to drown him in human shit feces plus toilet water. But then the book arrived and it has proved to be just so much more shit, piss and corruption.

A sample: The best time to espy the figment of someone’s imagination buttbird is February 29. The road is usually impassable but the buttbird habitat can sometimes be reached if you park your rental car in Landslide Gulch, then swim the remaining mile or two. Try to swim fast as you will need to get there early to reserve your spot. Because later, this area will be packed elbow to asshole with sociopahtic, bazooka toting, bear hunters. Be sure to wear bright colors, holler and jump up and down once the hunters start to arrive, or not. Maybe you should wear earth tones and hold still. 

Meanwhile, keep one eye peeled for the imaginary buttbird. You will need to check out the forest, the shrubbery, the grassland and the water features because the buttbird could be anywhere, everywhere, or more likely, nowhere. As an example of how the buttbird could appear anywhere, back during a previous Leap Year a plywood panel blew off a truck going down the highway. The plywood panel soon attracted a passel of buttsnakes. (As everyone knows, the underside of boards is prime snake habitat, especially buttsnakes. T he buttsnakes, in turn, attracted good numbers of buttbirds to the plywood throwdown.  Unfortunately, within a few hours, the plywood, the buttsnakes and the buttbirds were either buried by an earthquake or mugged by spruce bark beetles. So unless another board flies off another truck, you will need to diligently search all the various potential habitats at this general location on February 29 as discussed above.

Remember too. The potential imaginary buttbird habitat may be located on private property. Be sure to respect private property by calling ahead to alert the sociopahtic, heavily armed landowner that you are coming. You don’t want sociopahthic property rights activists to think badly of birders, do you?

Egad!  Begorrah!  Sum beech!

All righty!  Having endured a month of car birding, twiching , listing and chasing, Crumby has decided that a Big Ass Month is plenty of this hobby.   Mercy!