Dasypus novemcinctus

Dasypus novemcinctus, better known as the Hoover hog, was among Crumby's earliest introductions to exotic nature.  That's because, long ago, according to Crumby's now suspect recollection of ancient events,  and based partly on hearsay, the local Montgomery Ward store donated a cage full of monkeys (probably Macaque mulattto) to the city. Then a semi-responsible party within the city decided to supplement the caged monkeys with Hoover hogs, thus effectively doubling the entertainment value of the attraction.  So there,  in that particular city park, within a big metal cage, stayed monkeys, probably macaques, and Hoover hogs, together.   Few, if any, may recall how long the cage housed both.  Certain it is that the insectivorous Hoover hogs could not have long survived on the citrus and vegetables that may have comprised the bulk of the monkey chow.  Nor could the Hoover hogs have much appreciated the blandishments or antics of their associated primates. But maybe, for a time, the hogs gleaned insects attracted to uneaten herbage or monkey dung. Course, they would have had to compete with the monkeys for those, too.  Mercy!

Anyway, this Hoover hog dwells in happier circumstance, maybe, tunneling a sandy terrace along the dammed Colorado.

Wood Scales

Having had the regular scales off and back on his defective Outdoorsman several times, until at this nonce they may be a little loose, left unglued, Crumby decided to see how hard it would be to make some wood scales from scratch.  Crumby had some Juniperus ashei, (that the ignorant majority in these parts call cedar), limbs he sawed up for the scratch.  Pictured is the first attempt at the Ashe juniper scales.

OK.  Crumby decided that he would employ only sak tools for the process of fabrication.  But then Crumby grew impatient with rounding the ends off with the teeny files and useless saws.  So Crumby used his grinder for that.  But for everything else, Crumby used sak tools.  For example, the cutout for the corkscrew was done with the very chisel featured.  

Aggravatingly, that particular chisel is the only sak chisel in Crumby's collection.  It lives on a Champion Plus that is mint except for the chisel.  Dang it!

By the way, the Victorinox chisel is the most dangerous sak tool Crumby has ever used.  Why?  Because when an average wood worker like Crumby chisels with it, it wants to fold up.  And when it folds up,  fingers or what not may be caught as the chisel levers itself.  Mercy!  Also, the temptation, when operating the chisel, to beat on the back of the knife with a jeweler's hammer is gut-wrenching.

Alas, these scales are not serviceable.  Because, in attempting to flatten the surfaces that attach to the liners Crumby whittled too much off the sides.  Therefore, these scales are too little.  Plus, Crumby never could get the scales sufficiently flat to attach properly by whittling.  He needs to employ a plane.  Or better yet,  start out with paneling so the dern wood is flat to begin with.   For Goddess sakes!  Except where is Crumby fixing to find any Ashe juniper paneling?  Especially since all the dumbasses call Ashe juniper, cedar.

Crumby still feels like, even with all the perils and pointless difficulties,  wood scales fabricated entirely with sak tools is a worthwhile project, consistent with hobby type behavior.  So he may try, try again.  Note:  That presumptive scale on the left includes the layer just under the bark which on junipers, Crumby feels like,  is a nice color pattern.

Another interesting fact Crumby has discovered is that of all Crumby's saks, his home-made Passenger gets the most pocket time.  And the only reason  the Passenger gets to go, is because of its name, Passenger. Which is crazy.   Any knife that gets to go is a passenger.  Yet only one of those knives has the proper name, Passenger. It's like psychological.

Birth of a Nation (Gross)

Like there's Ray, ensconced en la commode, securely locked up in the Boy's Comfort Station, when suddenly everyone at the Cow Barn hears this excited cry,  Birth of a Nation,  again and again. But then, after a few moment's silence, we all hear a flush.  And sadly, Ray's nation is on its way to the Platt Ponds;  the raw material fer Dillo Dirt.

But all joking aside, Karl the Tracker Druid told Ray, and Ray told Crumby, that one of the arts of being a great tracker is shitting out 3-d maps. Like Karl once shit out a perfect 3-d map of the US, minus the Republic of Texas, but including the Alaska Welfare State and the Hawaiian Island chain with a tiny pin flag in the shit, indicating where Karl would locate the principal subject of his current investigation.  And many wonder why Karl ingests tiny pin flags.

Turns out, the hardened rapist Karl was tracking had fled to the Wyoming Welfare State. And a solitary particular tiny pin flag indicated the precise real-time domicile of that criminal element, just outside Casper.  Goodness!  Karl had to go to Casper.  Mercy!  What the petit-bourgeois will do to survive as a class!

Crumby's Wenger 85s

Here is Crumby's modest collection of  85mm Wengers.  From left to right they are:  Tradesman, Matterhorn, Monarch, Champ, Minathor and Mountain Bike.  Also, from left to right, they pretty much get fatter.  These six contain plenty of goofy miniature tools, but hardly scratch the surface of Wenger tool variety.  Mercy!  Where is the Shortix diamond column cutter, the laser, the shotgun choke tool, the cigar cutter, the golf club cleaner, the Swiss Army rifle site adjustment tool;  for Goddess' sakes?

Yet despite the low diversity of tools represented, these are the Wenger knives with tools the culturally backward Ovate might expect to employ at some task ever, maybe.  Whereas, the non-represented might languish in a drawer forever and a day, even if those could be had at any price.   Goodness!

Euphagus carolinus or rusty blackbird

For several days now, rusty blackbirds have been reported from the Platt ponds.  But Crumby was too busy monitoring his sak collection to go see them.  However, yesterday Crumby decided he was fairly caught up on his collection.  Crumby headed east, a journey fraught with perils.

Crumby finally arrived.  After giving Ray's name to the gate guard, Crumby began a systematic search of the premises for the illusive Euphagus.   Many hours passed with nary a bird, seen or heard.  Simultaneously, Crumby realized he had left his rape whistle at the Cow Barn.  Wow is me.  The rapists shall get me fer sure. Crumby feared.

Yet no rapists appeared.  Crumby searched on.  More hours passed.

After many hours, his belly shrunk with hunger, his mouth bone dry, his weary actual bones aching with the rheumatiz, finally, with all that, and potential rapists lurking everywhere, Crumby managed to espy a blackbird foraging in the muck.  Then there were more.  Then more. Then still more.  All righty then.  Goodness!  There must be four and twenty blackbirds.

Wenger Madness

Any pretense of sak collecting morals, ethics or what not is gone from these parts.  That's because Crumby blew a big junk of his Social Security on twain, brand spanking new, Wengers.  Yes.  Fearing that the Wenger knife brand was fixing to disappear forever, Crumby went on a collecting binge.

The knife on top of Crumby's favorite exercise pants is the Wenger Ranger 151.  You may know the doggerel:

I want to be a chair borne ranger,
I want to live a life of anger.

Well.  The Wenger Ranger 151 is just the type knife many a chair borne ranger might imagine carrying into combat, perhaps against the elderly, or unarmed women and children.  Actually, however, its probable best application is weeding.  Folded up, the Ranger 151 is 130 mm, yet weighs only 92 g.     Note the partly serrated blade.  Crumby would rather have had the non-serrated version, Ranger 51.  But confusion, inattention to detail,  and the low price of this particular model on EBAY account for its presence at the CB.

The other sak featured below the Ranger 151 is the Wenger Minathor, also known as the Wenger Micro Tool Chest.  Minathor, according to the Sakwiki site, is short for mini atelier du horologer.  These  are words in the French language.  Crumby's great grandmother was French.

Ever since Crumby first started fixing to fix watches, Crumby has desired a Minathor. Even though, the Minathor is maybe not the most cost effective watch repair tool out there.  Yes.  The Minathor is fairly expensive, and of dubious, comparative utility.  But Crumby found the depicted on sale for just a short hair over a hundred dollars.  He couldn't pass on that. No sir!

Crumby's Minathor is slightly wider than his very fat Wenger Champ, about 28mm, on account of the Evogrip scales. It is lighter though, 137 vs 164g.  The weight reduction is due to the fairy light Bergeon watch tools in a plastic holder.  Note.  At this nonce, Crumby's version has four empty tool slots in the Bergeon tool holder. Crumby has little motivation for adding the $25 Bergeon Complement Set.  Instead, Crumby is fixing to add a couple of larger pin punches (1.5 and 2.0 mm).  Only the 2.0 mm Phillips from the Complement Set is of much interest to the watch repairing Ovate.

Anyway.  For the nonce, Crumby needs to settle back and enjoy his sak collection, rather than expanding it anymore. Mercy!  Praise the Goddess,  Old Lady Roosevelt for Social Security.

Downton Abbey - a Druid Perspective

Well.  If the average dumbass figured that British imperial society between the world wars was the epitome of  what ought to be, then that theory was challenged last night.  Goodness!   Maybe the friendliest and best lady on the show got raped.  Goodness!  Mercy!

Personally,  Crumby and Ray have booked airline tickets to England.  We are fixing to beat the crap out of valet buttface before we butt**** his nasty ass, then slit his throat with a Wenger Ranger 51.  Thus, saving Master Bates the trouble.  Jeez Louise!

Yes.  There is a danger in showing sophisticated English TV to mongrel Americano audiences.  Who knows how we shall respond?

However, Ray and Crumby do enjoy sufficient smarts to realize Downton Abbey is TV, not reality.  So we did not actually book airline tickets for England.  But we shall also quit the TV show, Downton Abbey.  We were tired of that Irish panty waste, anyway.

So how could the episode  that lost us be improved upon so that Ray and Crumby might continue as viewers?  Easy that.   Anna could have blown her Wenger Matterhorn rape whistle, thus alerting everyone in the neighborhood.  But prior to the whistle-blowing scene, all the scenes featuring a flirtatious (she got what she deserved) Anna would need to be edited out.  Then to, all prior scenes featuring a super worried Master Bates, would also need to be correspondingly, edited out.

Ah.  But many may object that Downton Abbey predates the Wenger whistle tool.  Therefore, Anna could not have possessed a Matterhorn, Signal, Urban Survivor or any of the other whistle bearing multi-tools or combo-implements that are now available in new, or used (ugh) condition to the whistle-blowing public.  But like what if Dr. Who visited Downton Abbey and gave Anna a Wenger whistle?  What about that possibility?

Anna desperately,  as a last resort, to save her honor, or what's left of her honor, blows the whistle tool on the Wenger Matterhorn, given her in secret by Dr. Who.  The ear piercing shriek of the whistle freezes Mr. Green with his pants down.  Immediately, the kitchen staff comes to the rescue.   Mr. Green is pinioned to the floor.  Mrs.  Patmore sodomizes Mr. Green to death with her rolling pin.  Afterwards, worn out from her exertions, Mrs. Patmore pants wheezily to Daisy,  Daisy take this rolling pin and give it a good washing.

Meantime, Lord Grantham is fixing to get to the bottom of  how Anna got the Wenger.  Lord Grantham, of course, wants the Wenger for himself.  But Lady Grantham knows her Lord too well.  And Lady Grantham plots with Mary to allow Anna to keep the whistle.

Meantime,  Carson orders Master Bates and Barrow to tote Green's corpse out to the front lawn.  A smirking Barrow refuses to help, citing wounds suffered  in the Great War that preclude heavy lifting.  But then Molesley happens along.  So Carson orders Molesley to help Master Bates tote Green out to the lawn.

Meantime,  Carson informs Lord Gillingham that his valet, Green, has been accidentally sodomized to death by a rolling pin that rolled over from an unspecified neighboring estate, thus clearing Mrs. Patmore of evil doing.

Meantime,  Lord Gillingham demands that Lord Grantham share Master Bates since he has lost his own valet. That's three strikes against Lord Gillingham; he's engaged, he employs evildoers, and he is grasping.

Meantime, Lady Mary, smitten by Lord Gillingham, and unaware that he employs evil doers, inexplicably plots to steal Lady Edith's goofy, card shark boyfriend.  Mercy!

Hobby Rules under Terminal Consumerism

Right off, Crumby should restate that one of his sak collecting rules is/was, that he would collect knives for tools (tool-centric collecting).  Then another rule is/was, he would collect only used knives.  So what does Crumby do under Terminal Consumerism?  He purchases brand new saks, and one of those saks, the Foxy, was purchased like almost totally for the cool scales featuring a red fox on an ecotone background.  Sadly, that Crumby would so easily flaunt some of his major collecting rules, emphasizes the power Terminal Consumerism holds over many of our lives, including the life of the Ovate we are now discussing.

Here is the rule smashing Foxy in company with a similarly sized Microlight Pocket Tool Chest.  A Republic of Texas farthing is included for scale.   Mercy!  That particular farthing was actually minted in the depths of Hell by the Demon Mammon, himself.  Assuming demons are sexual beings?

Yes.  Living, dwelling or staying in a terminal consumer society, witnessing the final twitch of monopoly capitalism before it devolves into barbarism can certainly goof up your hobby rules. It's like the temptations are too many.  Therefore,  Crumby is considering an easing of the rules.  Or maybe easing is the wrong term. Maybe Crumby is considering a simplification of the rules.  Like maybe from now on, Crumby shall impulse purchase any sak that strikes his fancy.

EBAY and the Average Like Person

Like Crumby is maybe the quintessential average male person.  He is not average in every dimension or regard.   But average in sum.  So Crumby figures that his experiences purchasing saks on EBAY must pretty much reflect the average experience.

OK.  Crumby has purchased used, 19 Vics and 5 Wengers off EBAY.  That's 24 used knives.  Goodness.  Why would anybody but a collector need that many pocket knives?  Duh!

So, of all those 24 knives, four of them were not as described.  Yes.  And Crumby has black-listed the vendors of those knives except one.  The one is excepted because one knife out of a lot of six was defective.  Plus, the vendor didn't exactly specify that all the knives were pre-madonnas.

Course all black-listed means is, Crumby shall never purchase from those particular vendors again.  Because, they lied about their product.  And Crumby can not abide a liar, twice.

There is no such thing as a reason.  Only excuses. Crumby's 8th grade pe coach.

Go figure.  One in six EBAY used knives is liable to disappoint.

The Wenger Rape Whistle Arrives at Last. Mercy!

Crumby's rape whistle is finally here.  It barely beat his second lifetime social security checks arrival.  How close is that?   Well.  Never mind.  Better late than never. Mercy!

Say Crumby.  Isn't your Social Security check, direct deposit?

Course it it is, Ray. 

Well.   Why then the general panic over the the rape whistle's arrival  coinciding with the arrival of the second Social Security check?

Easy that Ray.  It 's because senor,  I mean senior citizens in the Repooblick de Tejas  may be especially vulnerable to criminals swiping our social security via armed robbery.  Which is why we may need to blow our rape whistles before we get blown away by heavily armed, criminal Booblicks after our SS.  Goodness!  Mercy!  Then,once we blow our whistles, maybe the Tejas Rangers shall discover our miserable corpses, absent the SS checks, and figure out which culprits took our money.  For heaven's sake.

Notice how Crumby ignores Ray 's question, Isn't your social security check, direct deposit?

While all that may be troubling, consider other potential trouble. Like the documentation provided by the newly moribund Wenger company.  See!   The box has a Matterhorn label.  Which is good. Because the current version of the Wenger knife containing the rape whistle is deemed Matterhorn.  But check out the Tools and Features documentation on Various Wenger Swiss Army Knives that came in the box.  Do you espy a rape whistle?  Nope.  No rape whistle.  There  are plenty of tools.  But not one of them is a whistle, or rape whistle.  No.  

Well.  There is apparently less security in /Swiss capitalism than there is even in Social Security.